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Original poster

Nearly six-year-old struggling with meltdowns and hearing no, any advice?

63 replies

andy2026 · 01/08/2026 22:28

Hi all, name changed. Any advice appreciated.
Dear wife and I have two kids , daughter aged 10 and our son who’s almost 6.
We are struggling with our son’s behaviour, it’s really draining and making us feel a bit run down.
I honestly thought that challenging behaviour would have passed by almost 6 but I am worried he’s getting worse with age.

Hell be fine and be minute then will have a meltdown the next. It’s mainly when he wants something and we say no. A supermarket is a classic example. He say can he have one toy, we will say no and that’s it - he’ll have a tantrum. We went shopping as a family of four last week. As soon as we got in Tesco he asked for a toy- when we said no he kicked off. I actually took him out the shop and left DW and DD there until they had finished.

Another classic one we often have is when he plays with our next door neighbour who’s a similar age. The little boy next door will knock for our son , or our son will knock for him. They’ll play in each other’s gardens but it’s always us that’s ends the play time. The neighbours parents generally let their boy play without a time limit. But we know our son has a limit, and gets over tired. But it’s usually us that calls time on playtime so we look like the bad guys.

As kids do , they sometimes fall out and we get the usual he did this or he did that.

DS will say things like he hates us, we’re the worse , I’m not talking to you. It makes us feel so sad.

He isn’t always like this - he can be loving and nice to be around . His behaviour at school is fine and no problems there , atleast from what we’ve been told. His reports says his behaviour is fine.

But it’s the meltdowns, the tantrums , that’s really draining. Can the demanding things be a compulsive disorder or form of ADHD?

Our daughter had her moments when she was a toddler but was an angel compared to him. I don’t remember her kicking off about anything past the age of four.

I know there’s the counting 123 method but that only really works if we’re home. Can’t really be done in supermarkets or out in public.

He basically hates the word no.I will also add that my wife’s dad died recently and she hasn’t really grieved yet. The loss of her dad on top of our son’s behaviour is a lot for her. I’m trying to be supportive but it’s tough. I’m working full time and trying to do what I can.

DW is seeing a doctor soon about trying to get some counselling but in the mean time does anyone have any advice?

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Original poster
andy2026 · 12/09/2026 17:51

BertieBotts · 12/09/2026 17:00

My point is just try something.

Don't spend ages on the internet reading about PDA and worrying about what happens when your child is an adult, that is more than twice his life away.

You know what is in front of you, you have sought professional advice (GP) who has recommended a course. Try the course - it might help, it might not. If it does help, then brilliant. If it does not help, or does not help enough, then there might be more suggestions linked at the end of the course or recommended by the course leader (if it's a Zoom type one rather than self-led) or they may have further advice/recommendations to try, or you can go back to the GP with this new information (that the approach in XYZ course did not help) and see what they say to do next.

If you have to wait for the course and can't access it right now, then look back at a book/resource which has helped you before and again try the suggestion(s) there. If you have never needed any kind of book or resource before then indeed follow some of the suggestions on the thread, or pick a starting point and look that up.

Your posts are coming across a little bit like "I've tried nothing and am all out of ideas!" I apologise if that is a bit blunt of me to say so. But anyway - lots of ideas here - IME ideas recommended by a professional generally (not always) tend to be of better quality than ideas found at random on the internet, but the vast majority of parenting advice that exists and doesn't stand out as obviously terrible is unlikely to cause harm. Pick something/anything, try it for a reasonable period of time, see what happens.

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Thank you so much

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Original poster
andy2026 · 12/09/2026 17:52

concertinacornflake · 12/09/2026 17:05

Did you say his grandfather has recently died and his mum is finding things tough? That's quite a lot for a young child, it could be a bit scary for him.

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He barely knew his grandad , my DWs dad. He hasn’t mentioned him, I don’t think there’s any connection there with his behaviour.

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Original poster
andy2026 · 12/09/2026 17:55

Noras · 08/09/2026 19:23

Ten meltdown prevention strategies

  1. Give fair warning
Research and experience tells us that knowing what to expect helps children with autism cope with potentially stressful situations. This means resisting the understandable temptation to try to sneak a quick shopping trip into your son’s day. Whenever possible, I strongly recommend letting him know ahead of time where he is going and what he can expect.
  1. Take a virtual tour
You and your son may be able to take a virtual tour of the store on the store’s website. If that’s not available, consider visiting the store on your own to take pictures and/or a cell-phone video. This approach is particularly useful for preparing your child to accompany you to a new store. Sit down and look at the pictures and/or watch the video together so your son can become familiar with the new environment. You might even take a virtual drive to the store using Google Maps.
  1. Practice and build tolerance
When you feel your child is ready to make an actual trip to the store, I suggest starting with a short trip and small purchase. Reward any degree of success with praise and perhaps a small prize or favorite activity. As you sense your child is getting more comfortable with the short trips, gradually increase the length of time that the two of you are in the store. At this point, try to incorporate these trips into a regular routine – but always with fair warning – so your child can learn to expect them. Repetition is important. And occasional reversals are likely. So don’t give up!
  1. Prepare a schedule
Many children – and adults – on the autism spectrum greatly benefit from having a clear schedule for the day ahead. Visual schedules are particularly helpful, and the Autism Speaks visual supports guide can help you make one. Learn more about visual supports and download the Autism Speaks ATN/AIR-P Visual Supports Tool Kit. A morning review of the day’s activities can help your child gain a sense of where he’s going and what he’ll be doing. So on the morning of a shopping trip – or even the night before – sit down with your child as you add a shopping trip to the schedule. Or invite him to add it at the specified time. It can help to schedule one of your child’s favorite activities following the shopping trip and together enter it on the day’s schedule. This can be as simple as time to play with a favorite toy or game with you.
  1. Remember: Rest is best
It can greatly increase your son’s chances of success if you make sure he’s well rested before the outing. In fact, the same goes for you! Being tired tends to shorten everyone’s tolerance.
  1. Identify triggers
You know your child best. Are there certain sights, sounds or situations that tend to produce to a meltdown? You might try visiting the store without your son with an eye for such triggers. For some people with autism, fluorescent lighting is a trigger. Others are bothered by the loud hum of air conditioners or the blare of clerks calling to each other over the intercom.
  1. Provide personalized “armor”
Identifying triggers enables you to provide personalized support. For example, if loud sounds provoke anxiety in your son, he might be helped by headphones. If overhead lighting is a problem, he might be willing to wear sunglasses or a baseball cap. Many parents find these strategies make a world of difference for their kids.
  1. Getting ready to shop
Before leaving the house, consider prompting your son with a finer breakdown of what you’re going to do on this shopping trip. For instance:
  • We will drive to the store.
  • We will park in the lot.
  • We will walk into the store.
  • We will find the items we want.
  • We will pay for them at the register.
  • We will walk back to the car.
  • We will drive home.
  • And we will play a game of Uno.
If, like many people with autism, your child responds best to visual information, try making a personalized story with pictures about the above steps. Autism Speaks has partnered with the University of Washington READI Lab to provide a series of personalized story templates that include going to the store.
  1. Have a signal
Make sure there’s a way for your child to communicate to you when he begins to feel overwhelmed. We know that children who have autism vary widely in their ability to communicate. So one child might be able to simply say “I need a break.” Another might need to learn a sign – such as hands over ears. Picture communication systems are yet another option. (See the Autism Speaks visual supports guide mentioned above.) Even if you child can’t reliably communicate when he’s getting overwhelmed, there are often behavioral cues that you can learn to recognize in time to leave the store or otherwise provide support before the meltdown. 10. Bring “cool down” items Despite all the best plans, meltdowns happen. You can ease the crisis by bringing an object or activity that you know will soothe. This could be a favorite toy or blanket. It could be a special little song. All these strategies have the same goal: To provide optimal conditions for your child when taking him into an overly stimulating environment. By preparing ahead of time, you can increase the chances that the shopping trip – or any outing – will be more tolerable for your child and entire family.

I just wanted to thank you for all your posts

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Noras · 12/09/2026 17:57

Frankly even if he is ND and you got a diagnosis all you will get is the type of advice that is available on line. There is no magic wand. So on that basis perhaps read the available advice on say PDA and say SPD and try the strategies. They work both for ND and NT kids.

Also assess is this a tantrum or a melt down. Melt downs really have specific meanings as I have posted. They are really scary to the child concerned when they come out of it. The usual triggers are things like too much noise, too much heat or too much touch etc

concertinacornflake · 12/09/2026 17:59

andy2026 · 12/09/2026 17:52

He barely knew his grandad , my DWs dad. He hasn’t mentioned him, I don’t think there’s any connection there with his behaviour.

Show quote history

Does he know he died? It can make kids scared other people will die. Plus when a parent is upset kids react to this. He's very young still.

All the other advice on the thread is still useful whether there's extra emotional cause or not.

Original poster
andy2026 · 12/09/2026 18:02

Verbena91 · 08/09/2026 18:00

My son is 6 (Year2) and sounds exactly like yours. Literally everything you’ve described he does down to the rudeness and hitting etc plus meltdowns. I have a few tips which may help. I think for us it’s normal as he’s our first child so we never experienced anything else. He’s always been a stubborn bossy funny whirlwind and exhausting to look after. I do look at parents with compliant little girls sometimes and think wow that looks like a breeze! But I’m told they are more challenging in teenage years so it’s swings and roundabouts. Anyway you’ve been lucky with her and now you’re experiencing a totally different child. Please stop comparing them as they are different people! We get the child we need to teach us - he is just different from your daughter. Please stop saying there is something wrong with him. It will filter down to him and be extremely damaging. I feel he already feels compared to her and it’s probably not helping his mood.

Anyway what I’ve learnt for what it’s worth…

Routine really supports my son accompanied by clear reiterated expectations to avoid meltdowns. At x time we do this, at bedtime we read two books and sing a song then lights out etc etc. I would NEVER take my son to a toy shop / supermarket by the way! It’s asking for trouble!

But, I also have to be flexible and adaptable- as the adult it’s my job to do this when he finds it hard. Yes of course certain boundaries must be rock solid (no violence / hitting etc, and we have routines) but be prepared to adapt and pick your battles - does it really matter if my son wears his football shirt to bed instead of his pyjamas for example? No.

Before any transition, doing something, going out, coming home, set out timings and repeat repeat. When saying “times up, it is home time” always follow with a choice. Eg it’s time to finish playing with neighbour and come inside now, do you want 20 minutes of cartoons or a game before bath? Then a softly spoken well done buddy, or thank you when he complies - every single time.

Eating - mine does this too having eaten everything until he was 3. It’s a control thing. You have to navigate and not make a big deal, as hard and as frustrating as it is. What I do is, always serve one “safe” food with each meal, eg bread, pasta - something I know he’ll eat. Then serve up 1 new or unfamiliar thing with each meal also. Serve all meals family style on large plates where everyone can help themselves. Allow him to select what he chooses and do not react positively or negatively. Remain neutral about food. If he chooses not to eat what’s on offer just say ok. If he’s still hungry he is offered wheatabix, and nothing more. Make that clear but in a calm unemotional way. I’ve been doing this for 2 years and we areonly now making progress but we are progressing. There are now a much wider range of foods I can give him knowing he’ll eat.

Hitting, major rudeness- simply calmly and neutrally repeat “I cannot allow you to hit me” or j cannot allow you to speak to me in that way”. Speak fhis CALMLY. Do NOT allow yourself to get differed by his rudeness- he is the child and he is struggling to regulate.
If he hits move away but stay in the space. On the other hand recognise small wins and say “what a lovely please that was” or whatever.

keep reprimands to a minimum simple one words or simple sentence and avoid lectures- they don’t work and will only escalate things. Move on and discuss behaviour at bedtime when he’s calm and you can cuddle.

Try to ensure you find a bit of time each day to give him your FULL attention. Put your phone in another room and play a game. Listen to him and let him lead.

Do accept your son’s strengths and personality rather than wishing he was like his sister. She is compliant and perhaps will be one of life’s followers- there’s a place for that but he is not the same. He is desperate to control which maybe means he’ll be a leader!

Find opportunities for him to manage something. Eg feeding a pet, looking after a plant, saving pocket money - whatever works. Find space for LOTS of physical exercise and outdoor activities away from screens. Keep doing this.

i found the book “Raising boys” really helpful and enlightening.

Thanks good advice

OP posts:
Arran2024 · 12/09/2026 18:13

andy2026 · 12/09/2026 15:12

If it is PDA does this get worse with age ? How do they deal with this with adults ?

They can avoid most demands as an adult because they can choose themselves what they eat, what they wear etc. The life of a child is utterly at the mercy of the adults around them telling them to do this, do that. It gets worse from about year 1 onwards.

Original poster
andy2026 · Yesterday 08:58

I’ve read the above posts which are all helpful. But our son just refuses to brush his teeth in the mornings. I previously forced him to do it which resulted in a meltdown, making taking him to school worse.
We will tell him to do something, and he’ll just not do it and say he doesn’t care. It’s almost like he’s got a teenage attitude in a six year old body.
DW thinks it’s a control thing because he smiles at us whilst we are trying to get him to do something..

When it comes to teeth , getting dressed for school, we’ve tried reward charts, making it a fun game , music ,but absolutely nothing seems to work..

OP posts:
HelpfulHelena · Yesterday 09:12

My ds like this when a little younger, he is not ND.

Say Yes when you can. Why can’t he spend his birthday on toys he likes? If he realises later he wasted it, lesson learned.

Don’t take him near temptation - I stopped taking ds to the supermarket for a year or two! Now when he goes he asks but he accepts no - he’s grown up.

Set expectations before you go out - “this is where we are going today, it is an expensive activity and there’s a souvenir shop so you can have £3.50 to spend in the shop at the END of the day OR you can spend your £4 on an icecream while we are there. You won’t be able to have both.”
He will still kick off, but finding something to buy with a specific amount of money in his wallet helps - he is in control, he makes a choice, you are not saying no, you’re saying “either/or”. And eventually he’ll accept it.

Play LOTS of short turn-taking games and make sure he loses. Feeling horrible and getting over it in a safe environment it’s important. It won’t be nice for you but it WILL help.

Activity. Lots and lots and lots of physical activity. We cycle to school. Ds7 does martial arts (two types), swimming, and had a trampoline and a kids punch bag column. He also often does cycling at weekends. Boys need HOURS of gross motor activity and heart-pumping exercise a week. Get a skipping rope, a football goal, whatever you have space for. More active = more regulated, I think 90% of my son’s irritability vanishes when he’s had a busy day outdoors, or been at a judo class. (Judo is especially good - huge guys teaching him, perfect discipline, very physical and the contact it’s important - they all love the rough and tumble, class is 80% boys).

HelpfulHelena · Yesterday 09:16

Oh I also EXPLAIn, “I’m the boss not you. When you are 18 years old you can be your own boss, but right now I’m your mum and I decide what happens. It’s because I’ve been alive for over 40 years and I’ve learned things you haven’t yet. It’s my job to teach you all the things I have learned and sometimes that means I have to say no to toys and sweets and TV and late bedtimes. It means you will grow up smart and healthy - you want that don’t you? - so I’m asking you to trust me even when it feels bad, I know the best things for you.”

AutumnalThoughts · Yesterday 10:21

On the teeth brushing, I spent quite a lot of time when dd was in primary school sat in front of the bathroom door to prevent escape calmly saying ‘first teeth, then story’ every so often. Literally, I took my own book and sat there being calm and silent and reading until she decided that she didn’t fancy trying to sleep in the bathroom, and would prefer her nice bed.

It did eventually work for evenings. Mornings are harder because of school, so I got it embedded for evenings first and then made it clear that a more exciting breakfast was only available if she did her teeth without a fuss. If I had to spend ages in the bathroom with her, it would be a plain oatcake and milk to drink as she walked to school. I also said I’d tell her teacher why we were late, which looking back was a mistake, as it just made her feel ashamed and she then she got even more stubborn.

It’s still a thing that goes occasionally (she’s ND and when she’s out of routine, basic self care is the first thing to go) but now we work together on how to get her back into routine.

Verbena91 · Yesterday 14:56

We have a second toothbrush downstairs right by the door and I do a quick swizzle before we leave before he has a chance to object really! - it’s not as good as a proper 2-minute brush that we do before bed but I see it as progress.

Oneofeachclub · Today 07:06

You need to speak to your son's school teacher and SENCO. If your son is ND, I suspect he is masking at school which is exhausting. He then comes home and feels safe to let his emotions out. This is very common. You need school to make reasonable adjustments for him so they should carry out some observations to identify the areas he is struggling with. The signs will be there it just needs someone to really see them. Don't let them fob you off with he's fine in school. I can guarantee you he isn't. You need to start researching autism, ADHD and PDA. For me it was a lightbulb moment in understanding my child. You need to reframe your thinking. As someone said upthread he is communicating with you but he doesn't know how to regulate himself. You need to find ways of helping him to do that. You've had some great advice. Good luck!

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