Nearly six-year-old struggling with meltdowns and hearing no, any advice?

[andy2026]

Hi all, name changed. Any advice appreciated.
Dear wife and I have two kids , daughter aged 10 and our son who’s almost 6.
We are struggling with our son’s behaviour, it’s really draining and making us feel a bit run down.
I honestly thought that challenging behaviour would have passed by almost 6 but I am worried he’s getting worse with age.

Hell be fine and be minute then will have a meltdown the next. It’s mainly when he wants something and we say no. A supermarket is a classic example. He say can he have one toy, we will say no and that’s it - he’ll have a tantrum. We went shopping as a family of four last week. As soon as we got in Tesco he asked for a toy- when we said no he kicked off. I actually took him out the shop and left DW and DD there until they had finished.

Another classic one we often have is when he plays with our next door neighbour who’s a similar age. The little boy next door will knock for our son , or our son will knock for him. They’ll play in each other’s gardens but it’s always us that’s ends the play time. The neighbours parents generally let their boy play without a time limit. But we know our son has a limit, and gets over tired. But it’s usually us that calls time on playtime so we look like the bad guys.

As kids do , they sometimes fall out and we get the usual he did this or he did that.

DS will say things like he hates us, we’re the worse , I’m not talking to you. It makes us feel so sad.

He isn’t always like this - he can be loving and nice to be around . His behaviour at school is fine and no problems there , atleast from what we’ve been told. His reports says his behaviour is fine.

But it’s the meltdowns, the tantrums , that’s really draining. Can the demanding things be a compulsive disorder or form of ADHD?

Our daughter had her moments when she was a toddler but was an angel compared to him. I don’t remember her kicking off about anything past the age of four.

I know there’s the counting 123 method but that only really works if we’re home. Can’t really be done in supermarkets or out in public.

He basically hates the word no.I will also add that my wife’s dad died recently and she hasn’t really grieved yet. The loss of her dad on top of our son’s behaviour is a lot for her. I’m trying to be supportive but it’s tough. I’m working full time and trying to do what I can.

DW is seeing a doctor soon about trying to get some counselling but in the mean time does anyone have any advice?

Morning Routine:

1. Wake-Up Activities
2. Deep pressure activities like snug hugs or using a weighted blanket to provide calming sensory input.
3. Brushing with a sensory brush to help regulate tactile sensitivity.
4. Jumping on a mini trampoline or doing animal walks (like bear crawls) to stimulate proprioceptive input.
5. Breakfast Time:
6. Encourage chewing crunchy foods (like toast or apple slices) to provide oral sensory input.
7. Offer a variety of textures (smooth yogurt, crunchy cereal) to help desensitize oral sensitivities.
8. School Day:
9. Provide a fidget toy or stress ball for discreet sensory input during seated tasks.
10. Allow short movement breaks between tasks, such as stretching or a few minutes of jumping jacks.
11. Provide a packed lunch with a variety of textures and flavors to support oral motor skills and sensory exploration.
12. Encourage your child to try the swings or spinning equipment during recess to provide vestibular input.

Afternoon Routine:

1. Homework Time:
2. Use a weighted lap pad or cushion to help maintain focus during seated activities.
3. Provide breaks for jumping, swinging, or other gross motor activities to regulate energy levels.
4. Wind-Down Activities:
5. Create a calm sensory corner with soft lighting and comforting textures for relaxation.
6. Use calming music or nature sounds to facilitate relaxation before bedtime.

Evening Routine:

1. Dinner Time:
2. Continue to offer a variety of textures and flavors to support sensory exploration and dietary variety.
3. Encourage family meals to promote social interaction and comfort.
4. Bedtime Rituals:
5. Establish a consistent bedtime routine involving calming activities such as gentle massage, quiet reading, or deep breathing exercises.
6. Use a weighted blanket or cozy pajamas to provide deep pressure input for relaxation and better sleep.

Note: This sen

Organising activities to try
Wall pushes with hands and feet
Jumping on a trampoline
Popcorn jumps (jumping from a squat position and then landing back in a squat position)
Wheelbarrow walking
Crawling through tunnels
Obstacle course
Putting up/down chairs
Sitting on “move and sit” therapy ball during classroom activities
Passing the weighted balls
Scooter board on belly and bottom (wall push-offs) 10+ reps
Resistance Bands

Calming Activities

WHAT ARE CALMING ACTIVITIES?
Calming activities are helpful for children that are very active and that do not settle easily. Calming activities will help you relax children that are overstimulated. The best times to use calming activities are as follows:
After, before, or during a highly stimulating social event
When your child is running around or very restless
Before bedtime
Before or after school/pre-school
Before or after any event that causes anxiety
Before or after a learning activity

Calming activities to try
Rocking slowly over a ball on their stomach
Turning off the lights in a room or creating a dark space in a tent
Swinging in a circular motion with the child facing an adult (do not spin this is a different type of sensory input)
Wrap the child up in a heavy blanket
Calming relaxation music (e.g. yoga or meditation music)
Deep pressure squeezes (start soft and ask the child’s permission)
Laying on the floor while an adult rolls a ball over top giving some deep pressure. (not over their head)
Use of body sock/lycra material to wrap the child in.
Light touch/hard touch (depending on the child) – have the child brush a feather over their arms, or squeeze their arms with their hands for deep pressure.
Brushing over arms, back, legs and head
Using two fingers on both sides of the spine to give form downward strokes 3-5 times. (do not put pressure on the spine)
Hand fidgets (such a play dough and Thera-putty)
Gentle massage on head, feet arms and back (you can use creams or oils to help reduce friction)

Common Challenges For Children With Autism At The Park
The park is one place where children typically enjoy their freedom and thrive, which can be a nice relief for many parents. Although, for parents of children with autism, this can be a stressful situation for many reasons.

• Children with autism may not have the social skills to play with other children and they may not interact in ways that are socially appropriate.
• Some children might have the tendency to run or wander away (elope).
• Other children may have difficulties with transitions and therefore, leaving the park is always a struggle for the parent of a child with autism, more so than that of a parent of a typically developing child.

Nevertheless, there are some strategies for parents of children with autism to practice to help relieve some of these stressors and make the park a more enjoyable experience for everyone. How Parents Can Prepare Children With Autism For The Park The key to going to the park is to plan and prepare ahead of time. Give lots of warnings to help minimize the meltdowns. Predictability allows the child to feel more secure. When they feel uncomfortable and out of control is when the meltdown is triggered. Tips On How To Prepare:

• Let the child have a say. Ask them what they would like to try first at the park.
• Share the schedule. Let them know what to expect. If transitions are difficult, let your child know from the time of arrival how much time he or she will have at the park. Have a visual countdown (e.g., boxes that are crossed off every 5 minutes) until it is time to leave. If your child prefers electronics and timers, start a timer on a phone or electronic device instead.
• Stick to the schedule. Prepare to leave. Have an exit strategy. Provide reminders when time is almost up, so your child is not “surprised” when it is time to transition. When time is up, it helps to have something positive that your child can look forward to after the park (e.g., frozen yogurt, pick up brother, dinner, or treat in the car).
• Start small. Try not to overload them by having them try everything at the park. Take one thing like the swings and show them how you use the swing.
• Bring identification. If your child tends to wander or run away you might want to consider having identification. You might tell yourself that you will be close by, but it is always better to be safe than sorry.
• Facilitate the play. Consider sparking interest in your child for other people, activities, toys, and conversations by pointing these out in his or her environment: “Wow, those kids are going down the slide really fast, that looks fun!” or “That boy has a really cool race car, maybe you can ask to see it?” These are minimally intrusive ways to promote engagement with surrounding people, objects, and activities.
• Prepare a To-Go bag with calming tools.
• Sunglasses
• A wide-brimmed hat
• Fidget toys
• Stuffed toy
• Chewing gum
• Weighted blanket
• Bottled water and healthy snacks

With repeated exposure and positive interactions with people and activities at the park, your child’s positive engagement at the park may be reinforced over time. In other words, it may get stronger, and more frequent, and trips to the park can turn into something he looks forward to.

Ten meltdown prevention strategies

1. Give fair warning

Research and experience tells us that knowing what to expect helps children with autism cope with potentially stressful situations. This means resisting the understandable temptation to try to sneak a quick shopping trip into your son’s day. Whenever possible, I strongly recommend letting him know ahead of time where he is going and what he can expect.

1. Take a virtual tour

You and your son may be able to take a virtual tour of the store on the store’s website. If that’s not available, consider visiting the store on your own to take pictures and/or a cell-phone video. This approach is particularly useful for preparing your child to accompany you to a new store. Sit down and look at the pictures and/or watch the video together so your son can become familiar with the new environment. You might even take a virtual drive to the store using Google Maps.

1. Practice and build tolerance

When you feel your child is ready to make an actual trip to the store, I suggest starting with a short trip and small purchase. Reward any degree of success with praise and perhaps a small prize or favorite activity. As you sense your child is getting more comfortable with the short trips, gradually increase the length of time that the two of you are in the store. At this point, try to incorporate these trips into a regular routine – but always with fair warning – so your child can learn to expect them. Repetition is important. And occasional reversals are likely. So don’t give up!

1. Prepare a schedule

Many children – and adults – on the autism spectrum greatly benefit from having a clear schedule for the day ahead. Visual schedules are particularly helpful, and the Autism Speaks visual supports guide can help you make one. Learn more about visual supports and download the Autism Speaks ATN/AIR-P Visual Supports Tool Kit. A morning review of the day’s activities can help your child gain a sense of where he’s going and what he’ll be doing. So on the morning of a shopping trip – or even the night before – sit down with your child as you add a shopping trip to the schedule. Or invite him to add it at the specified time. It can help to schedule one of your child’s favorite activities following the shopping trip and together enter it on the day’s schedule. This can be as simple as time to play with a favorite toy or game with you.

1. Remember: Rest is best

It can greatly increase your son’s chances of success if you make sure he’s well rested before the outing. In fact, the same goes for you! Being tired tends to shorten everyone’s tolerance.

1. Identify triggers

You know your child best. Are there certain sights, sounds or situations that tend to produce to a meltdown? You might try visiting the store without your son with an eye for such triggers. For some people with autism, fluorescent lighting is a trigger. Others are bothered by the loud hum of air conditioners or the blare of clerks calling to each other over the intercom.

1. Provide personalized “armor”

Identifying triggers enables you to provide personalized support. For example, if loud sounds provoke anxiety in your son, he might be helped by headphones. If overhead lighting is a problem, he might be willing to wear sunglasses or a baseball cap. Many parents find these strategies make a world of difference for their kids.

1. Getting ready to shop

Before leaving the house, consider prompting your son with a finer breakdown of what you’re going to do on this shopping trip. For instance:

• We will drive to the store.
• We will park in the lot.
• We will walk into the store.
• We will find the items we want.
• We will pay for them at the register.
• We will walk back to the car.
• We will drive home.
• And we will play a game of Uno.

If, like many people with autism, your child responds best to visual information, try making a personalized story with pictures about the above steps. Autism Speaks has partnered with the University of Washington READI Lab to provide a series of personalized story templates that include going to the store.

1. Have a signal

Make sure there’s a way for your child to communicate to you when he begins to feel overwhelmed. We know that children who have autism vary widely in their ability to communicate. So one child might be able to simply say “I need a break.” Another might need to learn a sign – such as hands over ears. Picture communication systems are yet another option. (See the Autism Speaks visual supports guide mentioned above.) Even if you child can’t reliably communicate when he’s getting overwhelmed, there are often behavioral cues that you can learn to recognize in time to leave the store or otherwise provide support before the meltdown. 10. Bring “cool down” items Despite all the best plans, meltdowns happen. You can ease the crisis by bringing an object or activity that you know will soothe. This could be a favorite toy or blanket. It could be a special little song. All these strategies have the same goal: To provide optimal conditions for your child when taking him into an overly stimulating environment. By preparing ahead of time, you can increase the chances that the shopping trip – or any outing – will be more tolerable for your child and entire family.

I think he needs a firm hand, unfortunately. Tantrumming because he doesn’t get his way is deeply unpleasant behaviour and you need to nip it in the bud.

I would speak with him very firmly then ignore the tantrum. “If you don’t stop that now you’ll be getting no toys for the foreseeable future, never mind not getting this one.” He needs to understand that you are not impressed by his spoiled behaviour and it won’t wash with you. “Getting upset will not change my mind.” Both parents need to be consistent.

Saying he hates you is clearly not acceptable and you need to tell him that. Don’t appear upset, that’s kids. He needs to see he doesn’t have any power over you. “Don’t you talk to me/your mother like that. That isn’t nice.In this family we speak nicely to one another.”

That all said, is it definitely the “no” or can it be simply that the supermarket is overwhelming him? If so I’d simply avoid taking him shopping until this stage passes. Usual advice about good diet and early enough bedtime so not getting overtired as well.

PDA may well be part of it - with our daughter we had to offer choices rather than make demands and give good warning. We have always insisted on manners and pulled her up when she falls short though, it’s so important to do this before they are teenagers when they really can be difficult.

Hi. I would second looking at PDA. It is basically a panic response to direct demands. PDA can start to become more of an issue around age 6 as the demands on the child increase - it can fly under the radar when a child is younger and can do roughly the things they like.

It is very possible to not display the demand avoidant behaviours at school. There is a small group of PDA kids who basically keep their heads down at school. My daughter was like this. She never actually did any work but she caused no problems.

Also, you can have demand avoidance as part of other issues - full blown PDA is autistic spectrum and often is accompanied by role playing, not liking characters in costumes, obsessive play which is repetitive.....

I would suggest you get hold of the book The Explosive Child by Ross Green as a starting point. In the meantime try to offer options instead of making a demand and see how that goes.

And importantly plan ahead eg we ar going to a shop and you can look but this time we are not going to buy- do you understand? Allow a pause and ask the child to repeat what you said or you set clear expectations

Do have a look at the PDASociety org uk site as they have useful parenting guides. My two children required different parenting the youngest was very challenging we had to reduce lots of demands and stimulations and offer choices to give a feeling of control to the child when really both choices gave us the outcome we needed.
Lots of time given for transitions between activities or demands.
Trigger stagging is a good analogy to think about, as the child can cope with lots and lots of sensory overwhelming things but once in safe home space the coke bottle effect explodes because your the safe space. Hence may behave well at school but just can’t contain it any longer then minute they are safe so you get the “bad behaviour”. If you can get school on board then build in sensory breaks, or extra quiet time so they are not so overwhelmed when they get home.

Was also going to recommend the Explosive child book but can see someone else has. Worth a read.

Hi OP, your boy sounds exactly mine was at the same age. Mine was more extreme really. He is NT and just extremely headstrong (not saying that I’d necessarily rule out neurodiversity, but that wasn’t the case for our son).

In our case, I think he just wasn’t developmentally ready to be able to cope when we said no to something- his reaction was more similar to what you’d expect from a toddler. So some of it was simply holding on until he’d matured. He’s now nearly 8 and just sort of shrugs and says ok when we say no to something. If you’d seen him a year ago, the change is absolutely enormous. He’s just grown up in every regard and now has the coping skills he needs to resist the urge to kick off.

There are some things we did that I think got us there quicker though. First, we made sure that bad behaviour or tantrums NEVER got the result he wanted.

I also picked being able to take no for an answer as a behaviour i really wanted to target and actively taught it. We had a points system where points corresponded to money. Accept a ‘no’ graciously and you get x number of points, plus mummy and daddy will be extremely proud of you. Keep it up, and after a while you WILL have enough money for a toy. I had to teach him what ‘good’ behaviour when someone says no looks like. As in, I explained that it’s fine to say you’re sad/disappointed, it’s also fine to (politely and calmly) try to change my mind, but if the answer is still no, that’s my final answer. That might feel very disappointing. If you feel disappointed, a hug might help, and it can also help to remember that you’ve earned some points to get a toy soon.

I think it also helps to pre-warn them that buying a toy/sweets/whatever is off the table before you get in the shop, and if the situation where you have to say no arises, present it as a choice. ‘You have two choices here. You can scream and shout, and you will go to time out when we get home (or whatever your consequence is). Or, you can stay calm, and you will get points to save up for your toy. But buying a toy today is not going to happen. Which is the better choice for you?’ And then HUGE praise when the right choice is made.

I think my son couldn’t imagine reacting in any other way than the way he’d always reacted, so it hadn’t occurred to him that there might be another way that would work out better for him. He needed that spelling out. It took a while of consistently working on it to get there!

Sorry just reading back. Again, sounds very similar to my son at the same age. Would it work to maybe just pick one thing to focus on and really support him in building coping strategies in that area? It might make it less overwhelming and would make it easier for him to understand what his ‘target’ is.

when you say no do you ever change your mind? Like post tantrum does he get the toy? Or do you always remain consistent.

With the neighbour child I would give him a specific time in advance. Like 5pm your home for dinner and that’s the end of play. If it never changes there’s less to get upset about (and the next door neighbour will understand your rules too!)

I think at that age they are pushing their weight around to try and see how much they can get out of that behaviour. When they realise that they don’t get to control the boundaries, and they never move, they eventually accept that and the battles get less. But with a strong willed child it can be hell to go through first to get to that point!

I would add that as a parent of both neurodivergent and neurotypical children, boundaries are just as important with neurodivergent children. They might look a bit different, and definitely pick your battles. No means no, but they can skip the broccoli. That kind of thing. Not everything is neurodivergence, it could be of course if the behaviour is more extreme and goes on for longer, and there are other traits. But it could also be about your son learning to accept limits and to manage his emotional regulation, which can be a hard thing for anyone to learn, especially a child.

He’s currently upstairs just shouting and and screaming and telling us to go away for no reason. I literally don’t now or handle him..

Aw I'm sorry. What happened beforehand?

Ive just got home from a night shift .He refused to get dressed, fought us every step and now saying he doesn’t want to go to school . Me and DW at wits end , it’s actually effecting our mental health now.
Why is he so angry , there’s no reason for it ..

OP have you read any of the (lengthy) responses where people have described how they’ve managed with identical behaviour? You haven’t responded to any of the carefully thought out suggestions people have taken the time to post and instead you’re just posting short panic posts.

There is not “no reason for it”.

ALL behaviour is communication. Therefore there WILL be a reason for it. Whether or not you like it is not the point. It’s your job to find out and support. Is he getting enough presence from you both? Enough fully focussed time spent with him? Does he get one on one time with each of you? A lovely calm bedtime with cuddles and story?

Only you both can get to the bottom of this and just throwing your hands in the air and dismissing his moods as irrational is not helpful to him.

When is the parenting class starting that the doctor recommended?

They are online courses that run at specific dates. I don’t have much failure that they will work but will give it a go.

I have read the posts and tried to respond to some of them. I’ve also done a week of night shifts, where I have no access to my personal phone. My spare time has been limited due to work.
Today for example , was meant to be a nice morning. DW is taking him to an adventure park for a friends party.
Instead he was asked numerous times to get dressed. He didn’t . I had to dress him and brush his teeth by force almost.
Even though he knows he’s going somewhere fun. We asked him ten times to put his shoes on , I even explained that if he didn’t put his shoes on it wasn’t possible to go out to his friend party. We had to force his shoes on whilst he resisted.

He just won’t listen to simple instructions, we’ve tried been gentle and assertive. Nothing seems to work.

I haven’t slept since yesterday as I just got home from work.

This is classic PDA behaviour. You need to offer options eg "these shoes or these ones" rather than "put your shoes on now". Some of us have been there and understand- look at PDA and learn how to use the parenting strategies.

If it is PDA does this get worse with age ? How do they deal with this with adults ?

My point is just try something.

Don't spend ages on the internet reading about PDA and worrying about what happens when your child is an adult, that is more than twice his life away.

You know what is in front of you, you have sought professional advice (GP) who has recommended a course. Try the course - it might help, it might not. If it does help, then brilliant. If it does not help, or does not help enough, then there might be more suggestions linked at the end of the course or recommended by the course leader (if it's a Zoom type one rather than self-led) or they may have further advice/recommendations to try, or you can go back to the GP with this new information (that the approach in XYZ course did not help) and see what they say to do next.

If you have to wait for the course and can't access it right now, then look back at a book/resource which has helped you before and again try the suggestion(s) there. If you have never needed any kind of book or resource before then indeed follow some of the suggestions on the thread, or pick a starting point and look that up.

Your posts are coming across a little bit like "I've tried nothing and am all out of ideas!" I apologise if that is a bit blunt of me to say so. But anyway - lots of ideas here - IME ideas recommended by a professional generally (not always) tend to be of better quality than ideas found at random on the internet, but the vast majority of parenting advice that exists and doesn't stand out as obviously terrible is unlikely to cause harm. Pick something/anything, try it for a reasonable period of time, see what happens.

Did you say his grandfather has recently died and his mum is finding things tough? That's quite a lot for a young child, it could be a bit scary for him.

The first thing is to get hold of your own temper. You can't complain that your child doesn't regulate his emotions if he sees that you don't.
The second thing is to active avoid confrontation - that doesn't mean giving into his demands/refusals but, as several other posters have suggested, offering limited choices. "Blue shoes or red shoes today?" A free choice is completely overwhelming. If an outing is planned for the next day, talk him through it at bedtime, so that he understands what will happen.
Have a choice of toothbrush/paste available let him choose which to use for toothbrushing. Physically wrestling him I to submission will just heightened everyone's emotions and you want to avoid that. Have you tried having a visual timetable? You could put one I the bathroom, showing the bath, a towel, toothbrushing, pyjamas or whatever routine suits your family. Then you are not placing a demand on the child " the timetable says now we ........".
There are lots of good ideas upthread which will work if you use them consistently.