Looking for some objective advice because I’m feeling really stuck.
My son’s dad and I split up while I was pregnant, so my son has never known us as a couple. He has always lived with me. He also lives with his half sister and my partner, who has been in his life since he was 1.
His dad has always had him every other weekend from Friday after school until Sunday around 6pm.
Around 10 months ago his dad met his girlfriend, who has a daughter the same age as my son (both 7). About 6 months ago he moved in with her.
Immediately after that, the problems started.
My son began complaining about the sleeping arrangements. He now shares a room with the girlfriend’s daughter but doesn’t have a proper bed - he sleeps on one of those fold-out children’s sofa beds on the floor. He regularly says it’s uncomfortable. He was also upset because some of his belongings from his dad’s old house (a desk and chair) had apparently been sold online.
For context, his dad and I have very little contact beyond arranging handovers. Everything is civil, but he’s not involved with school, doesn’t call between visits, and generally isn’t involved outside of his contact time.
According to his dad, when my son is there there’s constant conflict. He’s said my son has put his girlfriend’s and her daughter’s toothbrushes down the toilet twice, is rude, disruptive and difficult to manage.
When he comes home, we see a huge change too. He’s much harder to manage, far more emotional and dysregulated, and school have commented over the years that Mondays after a weekend at his dad’s are noticeably difficult. By Wednesday he generally settles back down again. But it’s worsened a lot since the move in.
A couple of weeks ago things came to a head. This wasn’t actually the first time his dad had brought him home early because they weren’t getting on, but this time he turned up on the Sunday morning, clearly frustrated, and told me he “can’t do it anymore” and that it’s ruining his life. (For context, he sees him four days a month.)
The arrangement has now changed to every other Saturday from 10am until 5pm instead of overnight weekends.
I had actually suggested increasing contact or trying shorter, more frequent visits to help strengthen their relationship before things reached this point, but his dad wasn’t keen on that idea.
To make matters worse, my son had been told he was going on a weekend away with them, but was later uninvited. He knew he was supposed to be going and has been really upset about it.
Today I casually mentioned that he’s seeing his dad tomorrow and there was immediate resistance. He became upset and repeatedly said he doesn’t want to go. He’s also started saying that it’s never just him and his dad anymore - it’s always the girlfriend and her daughter, and he misses having time with just his dad. His behaviour since I told him this has been a bit tricky too.
I’m really torn.
I don’t want to undermine his relationship with his dad or make decisions based purely on a 7-year-old saying he doesn’t want to go somewhere. Equally, I don’t want him to feel like I’m forcing him to go somewhere he feels unhappy or unwanted.
Where do I stand? How would you handle this? Has anyone dealt with something similar? How do I help?