Seven-year-old resisting visits to his dad after new living arrangements

[su203456]

Looking for some objective advice because I’m feeling really stuck.

My son’s dad and I split up while I was pregnant, so my son has never known us as a couple. He has always lived with me. He also lives with his half sister and my partner, who has been in his life since he was 1.

His dad has always had him every other weekend from Friday after school until Sunday around 6pm.

Around 10 months ago his dad met his girlfriend, who has a daughter the same age as my son (both 7). About 6 months ago he moved in with her.

Immediately after that, the problems started.

My son began complaining about the sleeping arrangements. He now shares a room with the girlfriend’s daughter but doesn’t have a proper bed - he sleeps on one of those fold-out children’s sofa beds on the floor. He regularly says it’s uncomfortable. He was also upset because some of his belongings from his dad’s old house (a desk and chair) had apparently been sold online.

For context, his dad and I have very little contact beyond arranging handovers. Everything is civil, but he’s not involved with school, doesn’t call between visits, and generally isn’t involved outside of his contact time.

According to his dad, when my son is there there’s constant conflict. He’s said my son has put his girlfriend’s and her daughter’s toothbrushes down the toilet twice, is rude, disruptive and difficult to manage.

When he comes home, we see a huge change too. He’s much harder to manage, far more emotional and dysregulated, and school have commented over the years that Mondays after a weekend at his dad’s are noticeably difficult. By Wednesday he generally settles back down again. But it’s worsened a lot since the move in.

A couple of weeks ago things came to a head. This wasn’t actually the first time his dad had brought him home early because they weren’t getting on, but this time he turned up on the Sunday morning, clearly frustrated, and told me he “can’t do it anymore” and that it’s ruining his life. (For context, he sees him four days a month.)

The arrangement has now changed to every other Saturday from 10am until 5pm instead of overnight weekends.

I had actually suggested increasing contact or trying shorter, more frequent visits to help strengthen their relationship before things reached this point, but his dad wasn’t keen on that idea.

To make matters worse, my son had been told he was going on a weekend away with them, but was later uninvited. He knew he was supposed to be going and has been really upset about it.

Today I casually mentioned that he’s seeing his dad tomorrow and there was immediate resistance. He became upset and repeatedly said he doesn’t want to go. He’s also started saying that it’s never just him and his dad anymore - it’s always the girlfriend and her daughter, and he misses having time with just his dad. His behaviour since I told him this has been a bit tricky too.

I’m really torn.

I don’t want to undermine his relationship with his dad or make decisions based purely on a 7-year-old saying he doesn’t want to go somewhere. Equally, I don’t want him to feel like I’m forcing him to go somewhere he feels unhappy or unwanted.

Where do I stand? How would you handle this? Has anyone dealt with something similar? How do I help?

Stop suggesting increased contact. Listen to your son.

If your son is so dysregulated after visits that school have raised it, if he's very upset and asking not to go, you need to listen to your son.

I’m sorry op but your ex sounds like a shitty father. If he absolutely refuses to see how his 7 yr old son might be struggling with the new set up at home, how he feels replaced and rejected and the importance of addressing that, I wouldn’t be forcing him to go.
At 7, he cannot express his big feelings articulately so he’s acting out and expecting his dad to notice. His dad doesn’t want to notice, because he wants the current set up and that is his priority. Frankly, he’s a selfish twat.
It is certainly not an uncommon situation but it’s shit for the children involved.

I would stop forcing him to go tbh if he hates it that much. Your ex can make the effort to make things right if he can be arsed.

I have a 7 year old and he would be devastated by being treated this way by his father. I wouldn't be making him go, I'd communicate with ex tell him he misses you and wants to spend time with you, he isn't interested in a relationship with your girlfriend and the girl at this point, he doesn't feel secure in the relationship with his father, he feels pushed out, and is now seeing you even less. If dad won't try and make him comfortable I wouldn't be forcing contact. Seems like a shit dad is building 'his new little family' and that doesn't include the needs of his actual son

I wonder if the other child is making comments about sharing their room in their house.
My DD only told me once she was 17 that a big part of why she hated going to her Dad’s as an 8 year old was that his new partner’s DD was allowed to control everything as it was their home. My DD said she just never felt welcome or wanted. There would be lots of sighing and moaning from adults and the other child about how arrangements to collect DD or drop her off were messing with things they wanted to do.
At 8 DD didn’t really have the vocab to fully explain.

I'm with this. As the child forced to go at 6 after dad got a new gf forcing him to go won't help anyone.

Be careful. The dad could argue parental alienation and go for 50/50 or even full custody.

Make sure everything is documented, involve the school and get advice. It doesn't sound like dad wants him around but sometimes that changes quickly and it is about control.

It's heartbreaking and painfully obvious how sad OP's little boy is. The dad's rejection of his son will have lasting and significant consequences for both of them, but it's the boy I feel sorry for. 💔
OP has to stand up for her son and spell it out to her ex that he is damaging the boy.

Explain to ex that son might like regular over nights again when he has his own room.

Please, please don't make your poor little boy spend time with his shitbag of a father. Tell his dad (and I use that term loosely...) that your son doesn't want to come, and you're not prepared to force him. If he is desperate to see his son (which I highly doubt), then he can go to court for access.

He’s acting up because he feels like his dad has replaced him. He doesn’t have a bed at his own home (both parents houses should be his home). And at the first sign of difficulty his dad gave up on him uninvited him from a holiday and will only see home one day a week. I don’t blame your son for how he feels.

Sorry there was no advice in there but I really feel for you in this must be hard to watch. Maybe suggest you go meet them all somewhere instead of the visit. E.g you take son and JUST his dad comes to a soft play or something so dad and son can remember that they can have fun together or something. But it pains me to even suggest that cause you shouldn’t be the one fighting for their relationship I just worry about you not offering time and he takes you to court or something silly

Err, that's the point at which I'd stop making a small child go somewhere.

I can't imagine such a lazy selfish father fighting to see his son.

I think it comes down to how likely you think he is to go to court.

Given everything going on, I couldn’t be happy with this. Can you get your son a smart watch he wears on visits so he’s in control? I am guessing even this minimal contact will fade but the speed of change here is super concerning and I’d want my son to be able to get home if needed.

I would not force my child to go if he does not want to. It is up to his dad to build a strong relationship with him, not for you to force one when his dad is clearly (from what you've said) being obtuse about what it takes to build a strong relationship with a child. They are not malleable toys. And, surprise surprise, you get blamed if things are difficult. How original of your ex!

Try this arrangement for a couple of time and try to encourage his dad to see him weekly for a couple of hours one on one. It does sound to me that there’s an element of jealousy because this new child is getting his dad’s attention, understandable but no excuse for poor behaviour. If there’s no space for a separate room for now they have to share. Could all have been handled better eg larger property to start with but I’m not sure it’s just the room, it’s resistance to change. Do make sure you never speak negatively about him seeing his dad, sound excited about it, they do pick up on things and you don’t want in the future for you to be accused of alienation .

please whatever you do don’t stop contact completely, that happened to my ex when he was like your son (jealous of new baby in his case) and didn’t see his dad for 19 years… the relationship never recovered and when he found out other details, didn’t help with his mum either.

It's far easier for your ex to blame you for your son's difficulties, than it is to admit to himself, that his actions are the cause. Your ex wants to live with his girlfriend, and for him that arrangement is his priority.

Of course your son's issues are all down to the fact your son feels replaced. He's doesn't have his own room, a proper bed or even a drawer to store his clothing. He's being forced to spend his contact time with his Dad, with the girlfriend and her daughter. He wants to spend 1:1 time with his Dad, at this point, he's not interested in the girlfriend or her daughter. Both are strangers to him, and this has all sprung up out of nowhere, as far as your son is concerned.

Your ex is never going to take any responsibility for the situation, he's more than happy to blame you. I would see if you can be referred to some family therapy...the schools pastoral team maybe able to assist with this. Sessions for just your son and some with you too.

Are you able to ask your ex if he can spend some 1:1 time with your son? He might not be agreeable, of course. I would try the approach, like someone else suggested, tonight he can have his favourite tea and you can have a movie night (his choice) with snacks. Make the evening after he sees Dad, as treat night. You do need to tread carefully, document everything, like a diary but factual, because you don't want to be accused by your ex of parental alienation.

I don’t think you can simply say it’s jealousy. The child doesn’t even have his own bed, much less his own space at his dad’s house. Things from his room were got rid of without his consent. He has an unrelated adult and child living with his dad and is being over disciplined.

While separation, and new relationships, are adult decisions so was the decision to have a child. Once separated the onus is on both parents to do all they can to make it as easy for their child as possible. It sounds like the dad has decided he’ll get on with his life and his child will just need to accept it and get on with it, which isn’t fair on the child.

I’d not send my child to a house where they are clearly an afterthought.

This must be an awful situation for you op and I understand why you feel so torn over what to do.

I think if any other adult in your life had a relationship with your son that made him visibly distressed after every encounter you would stop contact immediately. And you need to do the same here even though its his dad. Your son shouldn't have to sacrifice his mental wellbeing so that his dad can do the bare minimum of parenting, in order to look like he's a decent dad. Seven year olds shouldn't be getting distressed twice a month.

Stop the visits and concentrating on giving your son a long six months stretch of feeling safe, wanted and accepted.

I'd suggest your ex takes your DS out on a Saturday on his own for a couple of hours instead. Your son is obviously not rolling with the changes in his Dad's family- it may be no one's fault but it looks as if the logistics don't work- having to share a bedroom on a roll out bed would make anyone feel like a second class citizen, your ex needs to recognise this.

If this can happen this is the best option. Your Ex is really letting his son down here.

it’s another case of a dad thinking with his knob

ie move in with gf and care about her kid more than his “he doesn’t need much stuff it’s all at his mums anyway so just crumbs will do him”

your son deserves better. not slotted into another woman’s lifestyle. who likely hates the disruption “he causes” when i can totally see why dc is unhappy.

this needs unpicking with family therapy. however that takes time and effort and i suspect it’s highly unlikely he will do this as it may affect her if he’s out at certain times etc. “bad timing, we were taking my daughter to ballet then” or whatever.

dc need one on one time with parents. not new gf’s.

id suggest the way forward is to tell your ex it feels to your son like he is just an afterthought slotted into their new life, he has nothing not even a real bed or desk. what he wants is quality time with his dad say every second saturday morning and lunch. just the two of them for literally a couple of hours. it’s not long to take out of his life and if his gf cannot handle him being out for one morning a couple of times a month she should date someone with no dc.

if that short time alone doesnt suit him he can fuck right off.

He just wants his old one to one relationship back. Could you suggest that ex starts off doing this, with a view to gradually reintroducing the new family over time?

If your Ex refuses to consider that he might be making things worse then I wouldn’t force him to go.

Personally I would text Ex and say DS says he wants to skip this week, what do you want to do? See what he says.