Changing schools without saying goodbye… too traumatic?

[Birds83]

I have three children, two who are thriving and very happy in a wonderful London prep school in a lovely inner London neighbourhood which we love. We have a close sense of community which is important as we have no family here. With the introduction of VAT and a couple of hiccups in my husbands business we can no longer sustain the school fees which are cripppling us (there are no holidays, no birthday parties, we’ve moved to a small Maisonette etc). We are on the long waiting list for the local church school as the local state is not great. My husband has found us a house near Haslemere and we can change to a school there that is much more affordable. Should we do this over the summer (my kids haven’t had a chance to say goodbye to their current school) or do at half term? Will it be traumatic moving somewhere completely new where we no no one and it’s a totally different way of life. My DS is seven and going into year 3 and DD 5 and into year 1. Any advice on handling the move or if someone has regretted it?

Will the spaces still be available if you wait?
It wont be traumatic.

Im presuming fiancially it wont make a difference due to notice periods for the school fees.

Why not move to an area where there are good free schools? That would be an even more cost effective move.
Whats your notice period at the current school? Surely there will be a terms fees or similar to pay?

Any sudden disruption is best avoided if possible. However moving education venue and saying goodbyes can be achieved separately.

You should be prepared for them to be upset, and respond appropriately.

But is this wholesale change the right one for your whole family?

Surely if you've experienced not being able to afford private and having to move them you should avoid doing the same again by sending them to a state school?

Move to an area with good state schools. There’s so many primary ones especially if you’re looking at faith schools. It’s mad to carry on paying if you can’t afford it.

If there are spaces readily available in a new school, how do you know it will be financially viable in a few months time?

Agree with others- move to an area with great state schools - for kids with parents invested in their education (as you clearly are so probably read with them, practice spellings etc.) secondary is more important than primary.

To have moved to a smaller house to pay prep school fees in the first place is mental.

I moved primary school at 10 and don’t really remember it to be honest although my mum tells me I was very sad at the time!

This would be the best time to move whilst they’re still young enough to bed in somewhere else but surely you should be looking for areas with good state schools if you’re making a move anyway? I don’t know Haslemere but check out the state schools. You can always go private for secondary, arguably where it makes the most difference, if your financial position changes.

Haslemere and the surrounding areas have good-excellent state schools, so surely you could look to those too?

Your children are very young and you're already struggling to afford to pay for a private school. I would absolutely move them but to an area with good state school. That way they don't inevitably have to move a to a third school due to you again struggling to afford fees, which I'm assuming will even with the cheaper school be more overall when all 3 of them are at school.

I’d be far more concerned about the lack of community. We don’t have one; and it’s hard. Thankfully my children don’t know any different, so any questions about it are theoretical… that won’t be the case for yours as they are both older and have memories and direct experience of having a lovely neighbourhood that you’re integrated into.

We live in a lovely place that was very highly recommended with really good schools, but everyone is constantly busy working to afford it, and there’s no sense of community at all. Everyone very much keeps themselves to themselves.

Are there good state primaries near you? What are the state primaries like in Haslemere?

Are you planning to use private education for all 3DC until 18?
Can you afford it?
If you can't, prioritise private secondary not primary.
If you can't afford private, prioritise moving to areas with decent secondary schools.

In regards to your question, moving your DC at these ages is fine. My eldest went to 3 different primary schools due to house moves. He settled in very well. I would probably move them at the beginning of term. Why would you draw out the process just to say goodbye? DC tend to move on pretty quickly

Seriously though @Birds83 , can you afford private education? It doesn't sound like you can.

I moved my kids when they were 7. I think the prep you do for the new place is more important for them than the saying goodbye to the old. But I think going at the start of the year is far preferable to moving at half term.

When we went, the school had notice. Their class teachers had the other kids make big cards for them and all the kids signed them. A couple of friends gave them presents. It was all very sweet and made that initial point of leaving feel a bit special to them. They felt valued and that they would be missed.

However, with hind sight I wish we'd "lost" the cards en route to our new place. I think they made it harder for the kids to settle into their new school. Every time there was a blip they would pull the cards out and reminisce about all their great friends from their first school.

For the 7 year old and maybe the 5 year old, perhaps let the friends they were closest to know and have a little send off - picnic in the park maybe? Take photos of them so that you have that for the first few weeks, but don't bring them out once they start the new school?

What's the local state secondary school like in London?
London secondary schools tend to perform better than the national average.

Do you want to move out of inner London to get more space? Lots of people do this.
A family of 5 in a maisonette sounds quite cramped.

You need to be clear on why you are moving and your priorities is it to get more space, more disposable income, afford private education......

As others have said, you need to find an area that has good state schools. Why are you so focused on private school when it's clearly crippling you financially?

Private Secondary Schools are more expensive than Primary so what would be your long term plan if they stayed at a private school?

Find an area with good state Primary and Secondary and get them on the waiting lists for as many schools as possible that you could realistically get to. Consider the options available for when they move up to Secondary when you make your decisions.

Perhaps hold a little goodbye party for their close friends at some point if they don't return to their current school to say goodbye.

Moving schools is fine. They can always keep in touch with their old friends. We moved when my dd was in Y4 and she’s going into Y9 and still keeps in touch with friends from her old primary that’s now 2 hours away.

Surely though, it’s nearly the 1st of August, you aren’t going to manage to secure a rental even and move by the start of the new term. It will take months to actually buy a house. I wouldn’t be changing schools before I physically had the keys, so it will be plenty of time to say goodbye.

we can change to a school there that is much more affordable.

Unless this is a state school (which is doesnt sound like it is....)

WHAT are you thinking?
You cant afford private.

Haslemere is not going to be a silver bullet

You have 3 children in a "tiny maisonette" unless the sale of that property is generating 3m plus net assets once sold you cant afford private for 14 yrs for 3 children

Find an area with decent state and primary (north london would be an easier place to start than Haslemere)

What everyone else said. Excellent state schools nearby. You’d literally be fools to force a move on kids for more financial hardship - unless your op is worded wrong.

if you haven’t looked though lots of nice state schools are over sub scribed now due to Vat etc. so don’t make any assumptions about getting places

how on earth will you make it happen in 4 wks ?!?

it absolutely won’t be traumatic. Traumatic is used in so many wrong context these days . Yes, they might find it difficult, but they will recover . You can visit their friends you can invite them to visit you. That’s absolutely not trauma.

You need to get your kids out of the private school fast. Have you given notice? The cheaper private is better than current one. Or state will be okay at that age. You've made an error sending them to an expensive prep and need to correct when still young. They'll adjust fine. Financial security is more important than a private school.

Lots of outer London boroughs have very good state schools. Housing is obviously also cheaper.

FWIW, both my DCs went to ‘good’ outer London state schools (primary and secondary). DC1 then got a 1st from Imperial and is now working full time as a scientist. DC2 looks like they will also get a 1st.

I would be worried that this could happen again while you are paying fees. Is there any guarantee it won't? Focus on moving somewhere with decent schools. All schools should be and could be decent- don't get me started on that argument- teacher in a state school- 30 plus years. If they must move organise a get together for those people that are important to them.

Well I agree with everybody else that you should move to state, but to answer your actual question….

At those ages I doubt it will be traumatic at all to leave without saying goodbye to the school.

Arrange a play date with their closest friends, make a big deal of giving their friends a set of pretty envelopes and writing paper and say they can be penpals and you’ll visit them and then just move, it’s fine.

Close friends moved counties very abruptly over the long summer break and their kids of similar ages were fine.

And remember that starting the new school at the beginning of the year will be easier on them than starting after half term when people will be more settled.

You are ruining all of your lives by doing things you can’t afford to do.

You’ve moved house already for financial reasons and now you are doing again but you are going to continue to pay for school. You’ve moved house are going to have to pay for both for a term aren’t you? Unless you have given notice which it doesn’t sound like you have. As well as paying for moving.

Your circumstances have changed, I understand that and there is nothing wrong with moving school but to put them in a situation where you might have to move them again because of your financial situation is a terrible idea. You need to think about their stability.

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you can't afford school fees. Agree with PP, moving is very expensive and if you're going to move it needs to be a well thought out one. You need to live in a way that your budget can reasonably sustain.