How should I handle my eight year old having a phone at mine?

[Trapthespark]

I'm a Dad of an 8 year old boy, but I guess this situation could go both ways.

My sons mum is incredibly anxious and I'm struggling to manage it in relation to parenting. She is now due to go abroad for the first time since our son was born and has requested that my son (8) has his mobile phone at my house while she's away in case he wants to call her.

I have previously stated that he is not to have a phone in my house. n my view he's too young. I don't want him getting used to having one, and I want him to learn that if he wants to call someone when he's with me he needs to ask permission. It's not that I'd refuse, it's about setting boundaries up for him in the future.

I have explained to my sons mum that if he wishes to call her or anyone else then he just needs to ask. I am told by her that he won't do that, that he's afraid I'll get annoyed, that he wants to be reassured he can call without asking, that he needs his phone like a 'security blanket' etc

I have never denied my son using a phone to make a call, always listened to his requests and yes I've sometimes said it's not appropriate at that exact time (sitting down to dinner perhaps) but have simply explained he can do it later.

As far as I can see, all the anxiety is coming from her and she is projecting her anxieties onto him. The way she describes him when he's with her is the complete opposite to how he presents with me.

I feel this whole thing is being over-complicated, but more than that it's very much a case of 'my house, my rules' and it's crucial that my son grows up to respect that so that he will be respectful to other authorities he will meet (employers, emergency services, teachers etc)

Any advice on how to handle this?

Phone issue aside, I’m not going to go into this blindly trusting your word. I’ve known too many women coerced and belittled by their exes, and had their valid issues dismissed as anxiety.
Unfortunately your posts are ringing too many bells here.

Phone issue : have a time where he has the phone and can ring her whenever during that time without having to ask you. If he wants to ring outside of that time he should ask - but you should not be annoyed if/when he does.

No 8 yr old should have unrestricted access to a phone.

I would guess that no one on this thread was allowed unrestricted access to their home phone as an 8 yo child.

I wouldn’t argue with his mum about it in advance.

I’d take the phone when he arrives and put it in designated spot in a public room for safe keeping, eg mantelpiece or kitchen counter. Your DS can then have the comfort of knowing where it is, and you can have the comfort of knowing when he’s using it.

I’d agree your house your rules, but I’d also avoid an unnecessary battle in advance.

Yep

I don’t think any eight year old should have a mobile phone and your son’s mother is being ridiculous. Youve offered that he can use your phone when he wants to and I don’t think you should do any more than that. If the child and/or his mother are that anxious, then she shouldn’t be going away without him.

You need to be firm but polite on this. Don't over explain and grey rock if necessary.

"I am not comfortable with X having his own phone. I am happy to facilitate a daily phone call on my phone. Would you like to discuss a mutually convenient time for this?"

I may be being cynical but I'd be suspicious her motivation is using it to track location when he's with you.

If you agree for him to bring it, I'd make sure it stayed at home when you go out. I'd also want to keep hold of it and give it to him if he gets a call or message, or if he asks to contact her.

It's unsafe for an 8yo to have unrestricted access to the internet, and entirely reasonable to not allow it.

True. There are always 3 sides to the story. However I’m very confident in a number of Social Service reports and a lengthy court case that I’m not belittling or coercing my ex.

He is 8. I wouldn’t allow him to go to the park or beach without asking me. He wouldn’t play on his iPad or watch TV without asking, or ask for a snack. So I’m not sure it should be any different for him asking to call his mum on my phone. I have never been annoyed or restricted a call. In fact I have always welcomed his mum into our home despite there being 100 reasons not to.

I have spent many years defending gaslighting. Please refrain from making assumptions.

I would refuse a smart phone. Buy a dumb brick phone that you keep at yours and she has the number so she can call or text anytime, but she doesn’t have access to put any trackers on.

He can bring his phone. I would not put it on unless he requests he can make a call. I would keep in one place the whole time. Perhaps if it is not fully charged then he can only use it when plugged in however,
i wpuld refuse for it to leave the house, as expect she will be tracking where you take him.

does the court order state she has to know where he is 24/7 by a tracking device? I doubt it,

No 8yo needs a mobile phone. They're likely to lose it when out and about. Neither my 8yo or 10yo have a phone. They use a digital watch to tell time if going out to the local park as it's attached to their wrist. Cost a few pounds from Amazon . They need to be back by x time.

I think you're using the correct approach OP. He should come to you and use your own mobile to contact his mother with. You can allow ten minutes of call time or agree beforehand how long etc.

He may well be nervous of asking you if he can call his mum. My nieces feel the same when they are with their dad. Their father doesn’t realise how he makes them feel as he says they can call her, but they can pick up on small things that make them know he would rather they didn’t call their mum. They feel very awkward and uncomfortable and prefer having their own phone to call her.

If she can’t cope with being away from her child because she is too anxious that he needs a phone so they can be in potentially constant contact with each other, honestly a childfree holiday is not for her. She needs to stay home rather than put her issues onto her child.

I have travelled abroad loads on my own, as far away as Australia, Hong Kong and the US. I’ve never felt the need to leave mine with a phone. I have an 8 year old. He is fine to ask to speak to me if he needs to. No way would I want him to have access to a phone. What if he rang and I had no signal and he got upset? What if he does call at 11pm upset? Is she going to hop on a plane home?

I think this sets a terrible precedent that one parent (you) aren’t to be trusted. Either you are and she is comfortable going on holiday. Or you aren’t and she needs to stay home and keep your child safe. It doesn’t work both ways and isn’t healthy for an 8 year old.

No it doesn't. Social Services make it very clear that when the child is with each parent then the other parent doesn't interfere unless there are genuine concerns

And do your daughters discuss how they feel with their Dad. You say he doesn't realise so perhaps he's never had the chance to either check his reactions or reassure them there isn't an issue

I completely agree. I travel alot for work abroad (when it's her time with him) and I always give hotel details, locations, time zones and I call by prior arrangement to her phone / send pictures etc. Yet this is the first time she has ever gone away and all I get to know is that she's going to Sweden. She's even told me I don't need to know where she is. So it's very much double-standards which is likely leading me to dig my heels in a bit more