How should I handle my eight year old having a phone at mine?

[Trapthespark]

I'm a Dad of an 8 year old boy, but I guess this situation could go both ways.

My sons mum is incredibly anxious and I'm struggling to manage it in relation to parenting. She is now due to go abroad for the first time since our son was born and has requested that my son (8) has his mobile phone at my house while she's away in case he wants to call her.

I have previously stated that he is not to have a phone in my house. n my view he's too young. I don't want him getting used to having one, and I want him to learn that if he wants to call someone when he's with me he needs to ask permission. It's not that I'd refuse, it's about setting boundaries up for him in the future.

I have explained to my sons mum that if he wishes to call her or anyone else then he just needs to ask. I am told by her that he won't do that, that he's afraid I'll get annoyed, that he wants to be reassured he can call without asking, that he needs his phone like a 'security blanket' etc

I have never denied my son using a phone to make a call, always listened to his requests and yes I've sometimes said it's not appropriate at that exact time (sitting down to dinner perhaps) but have simply explained he can do it later.

As far as I can see, all the anxiety is coming from her and she is projecting her anxieties onto him. The way she describes him when he's with her is the complete opposite to how he presents with me.

I feel this whole thing is being over-complicated, but more than that it's very much a case of 'my house, my rules' and it's crucial that my son grows up to respect that so that he will be respectful to other authorities he will meet (employers, emergency services, teachers etc)

Any advice on how to handle this?

What boundaries for the future are you setting that requires you policing his calls?

Would a non-smart phone work? Or is she proposing a smart phone?

Would it make her feel better if there was a scheduled time to call each day? On your phone or a landline if you still have one! Is your DS actually anxious, or is his mum just saying he is?

I take 8 year olds away with Brownies and they don't phone home. If he regularly spends time with you, I can't see why he needs his own phone.

@BoredZelda
I would assume the op is referring to boundaries around the use of social media etc rather than phone calls.

Use stars app on a tablet

Also, we are not a “my house my rules” kind of place, but my daughter still manages to respect the “other authorities”. In fact, it’s because she pushes boundaries in our home that she is now very capable of understanding where her, and other people’s boundaries are and how to challenge authority when necessary in an appropriate way. She does so with knowledge and not fear.

The child is 8 and OP is the parents, parents should be policing basically everything about in a child’s life at this age.

Those are easy to restrict without refusing access to his phone calls.

No parent should be policing an 8 year old’s calls with another parent.

Clearly said he doesn’t refuse phone calls… so where is the idea of policing coming from

No 8 year old should be allowed completely unvetted access to a mobile phone.
Its completely normal for a child of that age to let the parent caring for them know before doing certain things.

From our perspective with my highly abusive ex who has already started talking about DS having a phone (who also put trackers on my vehicles and spyware on my phone.) DS will not be having access to a phone until highschool.

Considering she is presumably the primary carer and it's unusual for him to be away from her for this duration. (As obviously that's not the case for us so I would just be saying no. ) I would have a scheduled call time. Every other day or on set days when you don't intend to have plans. Set time. You get the phone out and he calls her. They talk for 30 minutes. Phone goes off.

I don't think an 8yo should have free access to a phone for any reason. In our house ex would massively abuse it and it would cause alot of upset for DS and would intrude on our family life greatly. I would get complaints that he didn't reply fast enough while we had dinner or while we were out. He would be requesting pictures of us and what were doing and our house.

But then if she respects his time with you and isn't abusive then that may not be necessary, I only know from our unique experience with a highly abusive and controlling ex who isn't even allowed near me or to know my address.

The idea of an 8 yo having a phone ‘as a security blanket’ is really worrying. YANBU OP.

I think you just need to tell them both that you won’t restrict phone calls between them (within obvious reason, eg you’re not going to be facilitating calls when you’re driving!).

She's anxious about leaving her baby. You don't need to go full on "My house rules", let him bring his phone without too much advance discussion, and then you look after it and let him have as you deem appropriate, and put on very strong parental controls. She needs to know they can contact each other, that's all. That doesn't mean unfettered access to his phone whenever he wants. There is nothing to be gained from being confrontational about this.

OK thanks for the responses. To be clear I am not restricting him calling his Mum, but I am saying he needs to ask me. There is no reason to not use my phone, in fact I have one for work and one for personal use so very reachable. He has a smart phone and she's had trackers on it before, hence why I've banned it on my time. Not only that I don't think he should have any kind of phone at his age. He's never unattended so why have one? The idea that he has it in his room as a 'security blanket' is unfathomable to me.

'My house, my rules' isn't a barrier to his Mum. It's a boundary that my rule is that if he wants to call his Mum then he asks me. My great concern is she says he's afraid to ask me, and doesn't want to talk to me about it. Rather than avoid the situation and just let her have her way I feel that IF there's an issue between my son and I then he needs to learn to discuss these things with me. For the short and longer term

She was very emotionally abusive with control and access for the first 4 years of his life until I had to take her to court. Even then she tried every single trick to control access. Nothing was proven and there were never any issues listed even after social services interventions. She still gets anxious if she finds out I've left my son with his uncle (whom he loves) for an evening. (I think that's called calling on family to babysit?)

Essentially parents whether together or not have different styles but her freaking out about him having to ask to use my phone instead of his own gives me great cause for concern as to how much of her own anxiety she is projecting onto him when he is with her.

I am starting to suspect the motivation behind it is that she can have unlimited and unscheduled access to him rather than calling my phone and asking to speak to him

Don’t go away without ‘her baby’ then

Make a phone storage place where he has to put it so it doesn't sound like it is being taken away but it 'lives' or 'stays' here.

It is worth asking a lawyer about this. This could be part of continued abuse under the guise of concern for her child. Perhaps ask a child psychologist for advice / a statement about this. All research would suggest a child of that age shouldn't have a phone. There could be a compromise suggested by a family lawyer / psychologist that you can offer instead.

Perhaps. I'd rather not get lawyers involved (they're the only ones who win in the end), but perhaps a psychologist could help. I'll reach out to CAMHS and ask for some advice.

Jeez. Whoever said it'd be easy eh?

My 10yo & 8yo each have mobile phones. They are not used for other than emergencies (no landline) or if they go to the park (2 min walk from our house, no main roads to cross) and they take the phone with them.
Also on days out so if they get themselves lost or whatever they have that peace of mind they can phone me.
The phones live in a designated spot in the kitchen and are not used for games etc (they have tablets, with restrictions, for that)
My 8yo technically doesn't need a phone, but when my 10yo was out with friends / family and my 8yo had no way of contacting me in an emergency (I'd popped to the shop & he didn't want to come with me) I realised a 2nd phone was necessary.
My DC know the phones are not theirs - they are mine & I am letting them use them. If they break the conditions I have set around their use then they lose them & the associated privileges (going to the park etc).
No advice, but just an example of the way we use mobile phones in our house.

I think I’d just put the phone away and give it back to your ds in the evening so he can call his mum quickly. Once the call is finished take it away again.

I wouldn’t make a big deal about it.

You say no and stick to it. Unbelievable that she's even given him a phone at that age. I'm pleased to hear the boy has at least one sensible parent.

OP can you get a brick phone that he can use at yours to call his mum with some rules around it.

Not connected to WiFi.
Only to be used downstairs in a family area for calls.
Not to be used before a certain time in a morning or after a certain time in the evening.
No pin or password on it.

If mum is going away abroad and it will be for longer than he's used to then I can see he might like the idea he can call her if he wants.

Overall though I'm with you in that I do not think an 8 year old needs a phone. Especially when you've said he can call mum on yours!

My brother-in-law had a similar issue with his daughter. She was 9 at the time (now 12) and her mum bought her a phone. BIL found it in her school bag and asked why she had it and she got very tearful “it’s so that mummy can call me whenever she needs to in case she’s anxious.”
Sad for BIL’s ex that her anxiety was that bad, but even more sad to push that anxiety on to a child.

They eventually agreed that she could have the phone at BIL’s house, but it would stay in his possession. A child of that age does not need access to a phone, at that age ours knew how to use the landline if they needed to for emergencies only (although they did prank call me while I was at work once. Buggers).

I’m happy for him to call his Mum or Vice Versa on my phone/s. That’s never been in question and never refused. It seems very controlling of her to try and go round my appropriate gate-keeping