Kicked out 19 year old son

[Emilou88]

I feel awful, I have just kicked out my son because of his behaviour. He is 19 and finished education last May and has done nothing since. He lives in his bedroom, gaming all the time, doesnt help around the house, his room is disgusting, the only thing he likes doing is going to his mates once a week. I have been at him a bit about getting a job because it seems hes not trying that hard to find one, but hes adamant he has been. He will instantly blow up when I question it and he can say some vulger things to me, he does have ADHD so I don't know if some of it is down to that but I am at my wits end and last night I just snapped and I said I wanted him out. His little bother was witnessing it all and was nearly crying. I felt extremely uncomfortable and hid the kitchen knives because even though he is not physically abusive, I don't know if he could just snap. I now don't know if I am in the wrong but I have told him before about kicking him out and I felt like I couldn't back down now, or he would see it as an empty threat. He is gonig to the council offices now but I know they may not help him but he has an option to stay at his mates for a bit and I know my parents will let him stay at theres. I feel he needs a wake up call and see how easy he had it here because he seems delusional with his beliefs and I feel a lot of it is from him spending all his time online being brainwashed.

You’ll get people along who say they wouldn’t ever chuck their kid out but yours is now a man showing no signs of adulting so maybe a short sharp shock will make him realise he can’t do nothing , ever .

I hope he doesn't end up on the streets.

She’s clearly said he’s got places he can stay.
He needs to learn , we all have to learn to live with other people, you can’t sit in a room all day gaming and not work.

I don’t blame you. More parents should do this.
I hope it’s the wakeup call he needs.
Give yourself & him a breathing space. Don’t rush to contact him. Leave him be, let him work out his next steps by himself.
Stand back. You’ve set a boundary, so stick to
it.
Making him be resourceful will be the making of him.

Good luck.

(I amicably left home at 16 after my exams finished. Went to work abroad. Came home, joined the forces. Never looked back. Character building stuff!)

Yes he needs to learn

Tough love is often needed at this age as it's too easy to stay at home and treat it like a doss house.

Being abusive is not down to ADHD.

Is he argumentative though? Abusive? I think see where you go from here, he has no job and finding a place to live even with a job is soul destroying for young people nowadays. A young lad from our road is on the streets at months because his mum was teaching him a lesson. She’s not the nicest person at the best of times so I hope something happens for him and he can get on his feet but I absolutely disagree with people doing this unless there’s violence drugs or abuse

Letting him languish wasn’t going to help. Getting a job and getting on with his life is a necessity.

Even though it’s painful, you have done the right thing.

Dossing around doing nothing and being rude to his mother is unacceptable. Well done for taking decisive action. You need to stick to your guns until his lesson is learned and he gets his finger out.

Hopefully it will be the kick up the arse he needs to stop behaving like a child.

It sounds like you made some pretty basic expectations clear - he looks for a job (and I have sympathy if he genuinely can't find anything, but he needs to be honest about what he is doing to try), he keeps his room clean and tidy enough to avoid being a serious health hazard, he treats you like a human and refrains from verbally abusing you. He chose not to comply, so he had to go. This isn't really something you've done to him, it's something he's done to himself. He's not in any immediate danger, so perhaps some time sleeping on people's couches and following THEIR rules will give him another perspective and help him evaluate what his realistic options are. The only thing I'd worry about is whether his grandparents are likely to take him in and let him do as he likes so he ends up taking advantage or and possibly mistreating them too, but that's really their choice.

I am usually on the never chuck dc out camp - but enough is enough! He has to be forced to do something or he never will. He has places to go. I would hold my nerve.

He can come back when he has started working, can contribute and apologises for his behaviour. You are not obliged to tolerate his behaviour and laziness.

I did the same with my daughter at a similar age last year. She was abusive and I wouldn't tolerate it. She lived in a hostel for 6 months and was then housed in a council studio flat. People judge, but that is a them problem.

You did the right thing. I’m 44 and have a couple of friends with older brothers, who were the same at 19, and guess what? They still are! Unemployed and living in a cesspit of a room at their parents houses. Sleeping all day and gaming all night.

He only goes to his mates once a week? Is he quite socially isolated? Also he can't keep his room clean?

1. How is his mental health?
2. Really, how is his mental health?

My db was like this! Although he strung things out by doing a degree and then had the misfortune to graduate in a recession

My mum didn’t kick him out but there were blazing rows about it and I remember mum being worried sick (she couldn’t really afford to support him).

It’s not easy to get a job, but it’s impossible if you don’t look!

.

Our house rules are in education or in work or at the very least applying for many jobs. When eldest DS couldn't get a job DH took him to sign up at employment agency. He used to game a lot and had ADHD. The agency gave him a temporary job. After 3 weeks the job ended and they found him another job. That one was for 8 weeks. By that time DS had got used to having money and was more motivated to find a job. His next placement was for 13 weeks and after it ended the company (DHL) took him on their books. They were very good to him. He started as a Drivers Mate. After 6 months they put him through his Class 2 HGV training and test. Then he earned more. By now he had developed a good work ethic. Later he did his HGV Class 1 licence and that's what he does now. He likes his job because he goes somewhere different most days. I'd suggest you took him to an employment agency and let them find him work. Once he gets used to the money he will want to work. I know how difficult late teen boys can be especially with ADHD and all the gaming doesn't help.

His mental health won’t improve languishing year after year in his room.

No, it doesn't. That's why it's important to seek proper support if that's the case.

Yes, I was going to suggest an agency job. If you don’t have much experience it’s often difficult to get a permanent job as there are other more attractive candidates, but temp work is a lot easier to get, and is often a foot in the door for a permanent role.

I think this is awful, the amount of people with zero experience of ND SEN thinking this is the right thing to do. He has ADHD FGS, he's emotionally potentially up to 3 years younger than his actual age - would you chuck out a 16 year old? His executive function is probably crap and he doesn't care what his room is like - why not just shut the door and leave it up to him. A messy room really is not a reason to kick your kid out - nor is the fact you've gone too far and don't want to back down.

I really can't see what he's doing that is terrible here at all - do you know how difficult it is to find a job right now? Even if you have a degree? Even if you have years of experience? Even if you're not neurodiverse and struggle with 101 things that others don't? How much support has he had from you or anyone else in finding a job? Who's helping and supporting your kid with SEN here?

MY DS is ND and is doing really well, he has a degree apprenticeship and working hard - that didn't happen without a huge amount of support, encouragement and organisation when he was younger and a huge amount of help with writing CV's, cover letters, practicing interviews etc as he got older.

What have you done to support your son with SEN?

Yep. Failure to launch.

Without being flippant, if they don't launch themselves, someone needs to do it for them. Sometimes it takes a sharp shock with parents forcing it.

Because the alternative is that he'll still be in that bedroom, gaming, at 25 and then 30.

I have done my best for him. I learnt to drive as a single mum on low income, so I could get him out of his primary school because they couldn't deal with his behaviour but he was stuck there until I could drive him to a new school.
I send him job ads, I have helped with his cv, i have driven him to places to hand in his cv and go to work employment events. He applied for the RAF and he bombed the interview because he did not prepare for it at all. They gave him a second chance and with that I printed out important information he needed to know and I wrote interview questions and answers and we would go through them up to 3 times a day and guess what he passed the interview. He has not been able to get through the Medical though because of his ADHD diagnosis.
Me mentioning his room is more down to the fact he doesn't do anything, he can't even do his own washing and yeah I understand it is very hard to find a job but he could be volunteering or doing a course but he is lazy quite frankly.

Even with adhd op shouldn’t live in fear of him snapping and having to hide kitchen knives. He also speaks to her in a bad manor, just as he has adhd doesn’t justify this. Give op a break. I think this will the the wake up call he needs op