How do others manage housework with a clingy five month old?

[proteinballs]

I guess this is a bit of a rant, but always keen for advice or others hearing from others who may be in the same boat.

My OH asked me this evening why I have no time for anything productive (other than catching up on housework) and why I struggle to keep on top of the housework in general. It wasn't an argument or anything, just a question.

We have a beautiful gorgeous 5mo boy, who is very time consuming. He doesn't like lying down, currently teething, and if 40% of the day is made up of naps, the rest of the day he requires being held constantly. He is a very cuddly baby, needs lots of physical stimulation. My OH works all day, and when he's home he is doing building work on the house - he is constantly busy and I don't expect him to do any more as he is stretched as he is.

We always start the day at 6am. During the day, I will prioritise his waking windows with playing and activities. When he's sleeping, I will do as many chores as possible. We usually have 4 x 40 min naps a day, I'm lucky if it goes beyond that in time or frequency.

I keep on top of dishes, clean/fold clothes, try and keep a tidy house in general. I'm slack at hoovering, but almost can't be arsed when a lot of the building work ends up inside the house (e.g., concrete, insulation bits, screws and shit that shouldn't be coming in to the house in general). I always cook dinner, have to entertain the baby while cooking which is difficult when he wants to be held, clean up afterwards, get him ready for bed by 7/8pm. By the time he's asleep I have all of an hour "me time" before I go to bed, which consists of more tidying. The little man still wakes through the night, sometimes worse because of teething. I'm tired, and chronically sleep deprived. Furthermore, the little man is EBF snacker, so I feed him on demand and that means every 2-3 hours, if more sometimes.

I explain to my OH I don't have a lot of free time to myself, which I am currently struggling with. My mental health is good, but I do need some time off. The OH thinks most people can cope with the baby:housework balance, I don't think that's the case. I'm not pissed or angry at the OH for asking this or pointing anything out, I just want him to understand that I am doing the best to make sure our lil guy is the happiest lil man possible, housework and general life takes a backseat for him.

Anyone got tips on how to be a domestic goddess and entertain a velcro baby?

Do I just need to bin my OH for being oblivious to how tiring having a clingy baby can be?

No, not really, because they arent able to find time to do other basic things and often can't really afford to outsource anything. I think we've lost a sensible balance when it comes to parenting and still performing basic acts of daily living.

Oh I'm not worried about him being fussy! I believe I have a cuddly baby because I'm a very affectionate person too, he just completes me.

Also can't stand being in the house all the time. My general rule is one major housework job/multiple small jobs a day if possible, and I go out for meet ups or walks. I refuse to look at the same four walls and I don't think that's healthy for the lil guy either, and he loves a forest walk.

You dont have to ignore him. There is nuance between finishing a task while your baby fusses briefly, and ignoring your baby's screams when they can't even see you.

I did the best I could, which wasn’t much. Food, laundry, dishes got done. Until my lovely in laws had the kids for the day once a week so I could blitz the house.
I wasn’t good at doing bits of cleaning here and there if I got a gap.

There probably is a balance I haven't quite got the hang of yet - but usually I do my housework with me in his views, I chat and dance around him to keep stimulus up, and will let him fuss a bit when I finish a task, but that's it. He never reaches the point of full cry/tears etc. it is always just whining that gets worse

Leave the baby with DH for a whole day and then he’ll see how much he gets done! Bet he’ll barely have time to even shower himself , honestly you keep doing what you’re doing it sounds like baby is so well loved and that’s what will pay off in the long run! An emotionally regulated and loved baby

My life changed when I could put my DD in a jumperoo, I did this at 5 months, she needed a little cushion under her feet as wasn’t tall enough but worked wonders. Obviously I put it in whatever room I was going to be in, never left her unattended but that was the first time in 5 months I could do anything without her screaming

Ask him to take over looking after the baby and getting all the housework done for a day - without having a crying baby. He does realise that babies want their cuddles and interaction and that's a really important job? Far more important than washing his laundry or whatever he wants you to do. Perhaps he should pay for a cleaner or take on more himself.

Hahahha I have a hen do to go to, so he will need to look after him soon, I might even turn my phone off for true peace 😂 thank you though. I like to think this means he will be very emotionally regulated!

The housework will always be there, and it sounds like you’re keeping on top of it to me! Enjoy this precious time with your lovely son.

DH can take a Saturday off building so you can have some you time.

No, you baby is 'clingy and fussy' because you and your other half haven't made any effort to teach them that they're perfectly safe in a bouncer a few metres away from you.

Your baby is distressed precisely because they feel unsafe away from you when there is no actual danger.

Other people's babies are calmer because on some level (probably subconscious) they have taught their babies that they are safe.

I'd honestly get to grips with this idea, as if you make a fuss over minor issues eg run over like the world is ending if they take a tumble, you will end up with a fearful and insecure child.

Chill. You're doing a great job but let your baby learn that they're safe. It's the biggest favour you can do them

You’re on maternity leave. Your full time job is caring for baby. His full time job is his paid work. The household tasks are 50/50.

Manage expectations - washing gets done, everyone gets fed, the house is sanitary.

I had a weekly planner in the end on the fridge. I just listed all the jobs and said to DH that’s everything that WE need to do this week. It was a good prompt for both of us without nagging. DH adds things too now.

You’re both in the trenches. It’s rough - everyone is tired and feels hard done by. It’s so much easier to be kinder when you’re getting more sleep!!

The fact you've had to create a strawman to respond to my post just indicates you can't formulate a response to the actual post

When my DS was that age he literally wanted to be held round the clock. Including naps. I did a bit with him in the sling as he refused to go in the bassinet of the pram and wouldn't nap in it, but DH did basically all the cleaning and making of dinner. I had DS almost round the clock night and day (he'd take him while I took the odd shower, maybe do one nappy change during) between ages 3-6 months. DH WFH but has 2 jobs.

From my understanding, and from sources I've read, suggests that responding to a baby's needs actually supports a healthy attachment. I don't necessarily agree with the assumption that a baby's temperament is solely the result of parenting, as all babies have different temperaments. Apparently I was a very fussy baby, and my partner was a highly strung baby - it could well be that it's inherited for all we know! We're following an approach that works for us, and yes he can be fussy, but 90% of the time he is a very bubbly happy little guy.

I totally agree that responding to your baby's needs is the right thing to do.

But does your baby have a need in that moment? Is he hungry, needing a fresh nappy, maybe a snooze? If so then of course respond to him.

However, from what you've said, what your baby actually needs in that moment is to see you maybe a couple of metres away, and then appreciate that his world is not ending as a result.

Secure attachment comes from the knowledge that you have temporarily put him down, but the crucial point is that you return.

It's kind of fun too, mine all loved watching me dance around folding up the washing while sitting in their bouncers/cots etc.

I know that even a minute of your baby crying hits you deep, it does for all of us. Letting them have some time to fiddle with their feet, try to pull themselves up etc (mine started showing interest in this at about that age) is way better for their development.

Also don't underestimate the importance of uninterrupted sleep which it sounds like your baby is not getting. There has been a lot of research into this that is fundamentally flawed. There is a lot of talk of cortisol levels, while missing the point of cortisol. It is a stress hormone, but humans need this to develop their endocrine systems.

You sound like you're doing a great job! Happy baby and staying on top of the daily tasks. What else exactly is your OH/partner expecting?

I refused to use any harsh chemicals around my DS so bigger cleaning tasks just had to wait until weekends when my husband could be with the baby instead.

Ignore @TableTopTree. They’ve clearly never had a clingy baby! Mine was the exact same and eventually I persuaded DH to get a cleaner. Best thing we ever did! If you can afford it then go for it.

Give OH the baby 🍼 🐥

I kept DS in a sling. Asleep, he faced in. Awake, he faced out. Just one baby who is happy in a sling -- you can do anything, go anywhere. That's not to say I spent all my time keeping house at all. By the time they are toddlers it is much harder to keep clean / tidy house so think your OH needs to revise expectations.

Don't show your boyfriend the thread, Mumsnet is to support you, not for him to use as ammunition against you.

Pay someone to clean the house and keep rocking your baby. You're not doing anything wrong.

Is he a great dad tho? I feel like if he was he would understand the reality of a Velcro baby. If he’s working on the house and working out the house likely he doesn’t actually have much idea what it’s like to care for baby for more than a few minutes? That doesn’t make him a bad father but he won’t know his baby and what’s possible to achieve while caring for baby if that’s his reality. I think even a lot of experienced mothers don’t understand the reality of a Velcro baby who won’t be put down to sleep.

get a cleaner/tell him if he cares about house standards it’s his responsibility. Keep kitchen and bathroom clean and keep on top of washing that’s reasonable for you. Don’t iron.

I had a Velcro bf baby and a 1 year old. I can tell you a decent sling/wrap is invaluable. You may have to try a few to find one that works for you. I had one of those massive long fabric stretchy ones, I could be chasing toddler at toddler groups and baby could latch on and off as he wished without anyone seeing.

then I recommend batch cooking and freezing. Never cook a meal with enough for just one meal always double or triple and freeze leftovers.

With my one velcro baby my house was the tidiest it’s ever been as i just carried him round in the sling?

it was when they were toddlers it went to pot as I couldn’t take my eyes off them

hm yeah I definitely wouldn’t put a 5 month old in a bouncer and ignore them whilst doing housework.

But having them in a sling and chitchatting, singing etc whilst putting the hoover round and cooking is fine. Plenty of stimulation to entertain them, at 5mo they don’t need toys and games, people for thousands of years have learned by being strapped to mum and being part of her daily activities

I had a cleaner.
I was selfish enough to let the baby fuss/cry. They swiftly learnt to settle themselves and dd was v v fussy. Cried if a bit of her wasn't touching a bit of me until she was about 3.5.