DP disagrees with comment about "granddad"

[Cluelessfirstimer]

One DS - 4. About to go to school in September.
DPs Dad sadly passed away when he was a teen.
My dad - split up with my mum when I was a teenager, remarried and chose not to speak to me or my siblings since. We didnt do anything wrong (as far as I know) he just got a new life and moved on i guess.
My sister tried for years, tried to introduce him to his grand kids. 0 interest.

Doesnt bother me - he was a fucking useless dad who instilled fear into all of us and I was glad when he left. He made my mums life miserable.

Anyway, DP has been asking about where his granddad is and his name (think other kids have mentioned theirs at nursery) he has grandma's.

I struggled to know what to say and trying to explain to a 4 year old all this isnt right so I said his grandads were both in heaven and not here anymore.

DP disagrees with this approach and said I should tell him his other granddads name.

Why?! To set him up for disappointment for someone who has no interest in ever meeting him?

Was i wrong? How should I have approached this?

That’s tricky and I foresee two issues

firstly, your child is going to keep asking questions so are you going to create a false narrative?

Secondly, that may have been quite hurtful to your partner lumping both grandads in the heaven bucket when he is the only one to have lost his dad. I know you did in a way too but he isn’t dead and the comparison may sting

DF's dad is called John and he's in heaven now.
My dad is called Mike, he wasn't very nice so we don't see people who aren't nice.

Job done, move on to something else.

I think it's not a great idea because one day DS will discover the truth. And what if he asks more about how and when he died?
Far better to do as PP said and say that you dont see Grandad Mike any more

Don’t lie to him, it will come back and bite you later. One grandad is in heaven and the other one wasn’t a very nice man so you don’t see him
anymore. Keep it simple, answer his questions at a level he can understand. It’ll probably be enough for him.

Mine asked about "grandads around 5 or 6 , i just said I didn't know where he was as he didn't live with granny, dh said something similar about his dad, i don't know why you said he was dead, you might need to change that if he asks again, or tell him the truth when he is a bit older.

It juat sort of came out and I didnt really think about what I was saying.
I then thought its fine because he will never meet him anyway

But looking back maybe not the best approach.

Ill leave it for now and perhaps tackle it differently if it ever comes up again /when hes a little older..

Yes if he asks again you can reframe it, he might just not talk about it again.

I can see why your DP is upset, he’s lost a beloved parent and you haven’t, it sort of feels like minimising his grief.

I think estrangement is actually harder to deal with than death.

If you say grandad isn’t nice and we don’t see nice people - then the next time you do something he doesn’t consider nice he will throw it back at you. Or if he does something and you say it wasn’t very nice he might worry you’ll stop seeing him too. Kids have a habit of taking something in, mulling over it and then jumping to conclusions!!

Double post

I’d tell him the truth. I don’t see how lying ‘protects’ him from anything. Just say your parents divorced when you were X age and you no longer see him. End of.

When he asks again I would say that grandad (your dad) just lives far away. And that DH dad is in Heaven. He may not remember the first conversation, you can just say you misunderstood, if he mentions it.

I have always found it best to be honest with children , in an age appropriate way so if he brings it up again just say that one grandad has sadly died and daddy is very sad about that and that your dad wasn’t a very nice person and you and grandma prefer not to speak to him . Then tell him how lucky he is to have such lovely granny’s / auntys / etc as applicable .

I would be really honest, I'd say, you know what DC, I just made a mistake and I want to put it right. I said that both grandads were in heaven, and that's not true. I thought it would be easier than explaining, as it's a bit difficult for me to talk about, but, I want to tell you the truth because that's what feels right. One grandad is in heaven that is true, and the other one, my dad, is called Dave. I haven't seen him for a long time, and you haven't met him, because he has made some choices that make that difficult. Do you have any questions?

Lead by example.

You can't say he's dead when he isn't. Say we just don't see him any more. As he wasn't very nice to us.

If it was me I would of said grandad lives really far away and is really busy

Tell him again and correct the lie. Don't wait until he is 'older'.

I’ve never lied to my kids about family things. My Dad was selfish, did drugs and had a lot of affairs. However he was also loving and great fun so I had a relationship of sorts with him. We loved each other and I was pleased to see him but I wouldn’t have relied on him for anything and and I didn’t much respect him. My kids knew the full story too. We all used to have a great time together and laugh but my kids were aware of what he was like.
My husbands Dad was a very nasty man and he was a bully especially to his wife but in his family things are hushed up and not talked about. Even after his death my husbands family can’t talk about what an awful person he was. I don’t get involved at all and I think they should do what ever suits them but it’s interesting to see how different they are.

I'm with your DH. This doesn't fall into the category of a "white" lie and it will almost certainly come back to bite you. Your son will ask again at some point, probably when he's older and less naive. You will then have to double down on a serious lie. And what if, just what if your father does "come back from the dead". You've also minimised your husband's experience of losing his dad as a teenager. I can understand your confused emotions, especially on the spot, but this will have to be revisited sooner rather than later.

I think that's a terrible idea. He will find out you lied ti him at some point. Just be honest.

Grandad x died and we don't see grandad y as he is t very nice and we only see nice people

Saying your Dad is dead when he isn't is hugely disrespectful to your DH and his loss.

You shouldn’t lie and tell him he’s dead. That will get found eventually and you will have destroyed trust.

you just go age appropriate. Tell him his name and am you don’t see him anymore.

You told him his grandad is dead when he's not?? What were you thinking! You need to remedy this asap. It's ok to tell him that his other grandad lives a long way away and you don't see each other, that will do for now, but lying is mad.

I agree that estrangement is tricky as "not a nice person" is so arbitrary, especially to small kids. "His name was John but he moved away a long time ago and we don't know where he is ".
OP are you likely to even find out when he passes away?

I expect we will find out one way or another yes. Will i go to the funeral? No. I have no good memories of that man.

His wife is a horrible piece of work. She "invited" us to their wedding years ago but purposely sent the invites AFTER the wedding (postage stamp dates proved that) Then told everyone his kids "didnt even bother to show up" she paints this picture to everyone else that we dont bother with him but any effort to try from my sister has been ignored or his last message to her about 2 years ago when she asked if he wanted to meet up was "im busy" just that.. that was it.

Ive never cared to try to contact him. I have a wonferful life without the need for him to be in it.

It is, youre so right. To me, he is dead. Hes made it clear he wants nothing to do with his children. Maybe thats why I said it.

I think for now ill leave it and re approach if he asks anything again... I can see it wasnt the best thing to say but feels more complicated than just hes not a nice person...