DP disagrees with comment about "granddad"

[Cluelessfirstimer]

One DS - 4. About to go to school in September.
DPs Dad sadly passed away when he was a teen.
My dad - split up with my mum when I was a teenager, remarried and chose not to speak to me or my siblings since. We didnt do anything wrong (as far as I know) he just got a new life and moved on i guess.
My sister tried for years, tried to introduce him to his grand kids. 0 interest.

Doesnt bother me - he was a fucking useless dad who instilled fear into all of us and I was glad when he left. He made my mums life miserable.

Anyway, DP has been asking about where his granddad is and his name (think other kids have mentioned theirs at nursery) he has grandma's.

I struggled to know what to say and trying to explain to a 4 year old all this isnt right so I said his grandads were both in heaven and not here anymore.

DP disagrees with this approach and said I should tell him his other granddads name.

Why?! To set him up for disappointment for someone who has no interest in ever meeting him?

Was i wrong? How should I have approached this?

I agree with your decision OP.

I told my dc that my dad didn't want to be a dad or have any family except his secon wife, and isn't a nice person, and made sure they never thought it was any way their fault.

He's dead now thank goodness, and can't hurt anyone anymore. They don't know the extent of his abuse and I don't think they need to.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

I get that OP. It’s not easy

young kids are egocentric though. If you say he didn’t want a relationship with you he may fret that one of his parents may decide the same for example. So I can see how just saying he’s dead is easier

but I also think it’s important your DP talk about his dad and happy memories so there is going to end up being a point where your lack of relationship with your dad will become highlighted - be he alive or dead.

obviously once kids grow up it’s easier

It's a lie that needs a lot of maintenance. When did he die? How did he die? What about other family members thinking he is alive? Just be honest and tell him he caught you by surprise and you didn't know what to say, but he has not kept in touch. You can elaborate that he's an arsehole when age appropriate.

This is my Mastermind subject! I have been an adoptive parent for 16 years so explaining terrible things to small children is a daily reality. I also have a father who is a violent bully and who walked out when I was a baby - and who now lives down the road.

Generally, I think:
-don't lie

• use age appropriate language
• accept that some things can't be sugar coated (eg your dad is in prison because he did horrible things to people)
• don't make your child force the issue through direct questions. If they're hinting at it, they want to know but have picked up that its taboo.

I'm trying to remember how I explained to my kids about my dad. I wouldnt say "He's a bad man so we don't see him" because that invites so much curiosity. I said something like, "He didnt really want to be a dad and so I didnt grow up seeing him. Luckily, I had my mum who loved me very much".

All you have to do is say something like
"You know you asked me the other day about your Grandads? Well what I said was a bit simple. Dad's Dad Peter died, but although my Dad Dave is still alive I haven't seen him in years and we don't talk".

Please don't just leave it and expect him to ask again. Go back and correct it asap. If he has taken in what you said and you leave it a year or 3 or 5 'until he is old enough' it may be seen like a big deceit.

I used to tell my DCs I didn't have a dad, and they didn't really ever ask why.

OP, I can understand your DH being upset that you said your DF had died when he hadn’t. I don’t think it’s the right thing, either, to say that your father “wasn’t a very nice man” - just tell your DC the truth: that he’s moved away and you don’t see him any more. (And I agree with a PP, that you should correct what you said.). My DM’s parents were divorced (very much more unusual when I was young) and I simply accepted that my mother’s father lived “somewhere else” and that we didn’t see him. Your DC won’t make a big deal out of it if you don’t.

It’s fine to tell him about both grandads, but say that one wasn’t very kind and we aren’t close to him. Dh and I both lost our dads when we were teenagers. Our dc know they aren’t alive anymore. Meanwhile, my mum is very much alive, but not in our lives. They know she’s alive and did some awful things and didn’t make things right after her terrible behaviour and that’s why we don’t see her. It’s fine. No big deal. I also had a grandad we didn’t see growing up and I didn’t give it a second thought.