Why are my children such hard work together?

[isthisaplum]

They have thrown all the cushions off the sofas and onto the floor. Not a massive big deal; I can put them back (although it’s a pain) but they would never do that if just one of them was here. Together they do the stupidest stuff which inevitably involves some sort of mess or argument.

I used to wonder why parents dressed the summer holidays; I know now. Does anyone else find this?

No because my children are well behaved and they would be picking the cushions up if they had ever done that (they haven't).

The other side of the “destroying the sofa to build a den” is that they are playing together. If you just had one, they would want you to be playing with them, or doing something else with them. I can remember when my twins were little, they actually told me, “Mummy, you can go and do your jobs: we’re playing our game.” They’re still very close.

@sesquipedalian sometimes, but sometimes it’s just endless conflict and drama. I would say alone they are very well behaved but together aren’t always, much as I don’t really want to dignify that first answer with a response!

Mine can be more work together. Not always. They are 8 & 13, so beyond this stage now. But it very much is down to the whims and moods of my teen. Some days she likes playing doting big sister and teaching him things and doing things for him. Some days she is not in the mood and they will turn absolutely everything into a viscous battle. I think unfortunately this is what siblings are like.

Thankfully, with one of mine being old enough to stay home alone or take herself to do things with friends independently, we do split them up a lot. I’ll take one and Dh will take the other. We have the flexibility in the school holidays to do that. We even sometimes take them on holiday separately, which because of their different ages, works really well and means they eat get a lot of 1 to 1 time each of us.

Good for you 🙄

You need to teach your children to tidy up after themselves. I know it’s an awful lot of work and consistency to do that, but you are creating a rod for your own back if you don’t. You are also not doing them any favours. Parenting is hard work. But it’s a lot of reward too. And things worth doing usually are hard work.

Them playing together can bring challenges but it also means they don’t need you as a constant playmate.

Swings and roundabouts.

It isn’t really crime of the century tbf. It has regularly occurred to me though that they do things together / to one another that they wouldn’t dream of doing alone or to another child.

Thanks.

kids one moment jenny stop teasing your brother next moment stop covering your brother in stickers and then the toddlers back on the windowsill naked

very typical in families

@peaceatnight they physically can’t get the cushions back on. They are those huge sofa cushions that completely cover the sofa (not sure I’m explaining it well!) Actually with my eldest tidying is an ongoing battle; the younger one isn’t too bad. But if they can’t do something then they can’t, so it’s pointless making them IYSWIM.

Sounds like they’re browbeaten into not having any fun 🤷‍♀️

How sad that someone thinks t's something to be proud of that their young children were so restricted they knew to never even try to do something like that. Building forts or playing floor is lava with sofa cushions is such a typical and normal childhood activity.

I feel you though OP. My boys are 6 and 8 and my 8yo has ADHD so they play together really nicely but there is a mismatch in energy so my older one can find it really hard to let my 6yo have a break, and thats when they get naughty and a bit destructive.

We break things up with outdoor time, sensory play, jobs and screentime.

Haha sure. They are older now and very much fun, independent, confident, contributing members of society. I have no concerns that giving them boundaries about how they treat each other, me and their home has harmed them. So many parents let their children beat each other up, trash the house, speak disrespectfully to their parents that its no wonder they lack care and consideration when they are older. See the litter louts thread or the domestic violence rates. It starts in young childhood, being taught not to beat someone up because you dont like what they said.

Mine are young adults now but they were a nightmare for taking cushions off sofas when they were little. It was exhausting. They were lots more trouble when together and used to squabble a lot. Now they all get on so well and hang out a lot and they are polite and mostly delightful.

It’s tricky enough dealing with it all when they’re little without feeling like it means you’re failing as a parent. It sounds really normal and like they’re building solid relationships with each other. Still tedious to deal with

I think mine are challenging in different ways (and I think all children can be, it isn’t that they aren’t well behaved, but all kids can be dicks to put it very bluntly! I have one that plays quite calmly alone but prone to whingeing and melodramatics and one who is rather wild but generally fine as long as he gets a lot of time outdoors. Together they often seem to trigger the worst in one another!

I reqs deeper than that though. My children certainly did play forts and build dens. But if their mother is dreading the summer holidays, it must be substantially more. Trashing the house/ fighting with siblings and having fun playing aren't the same thing! You can have one without the other!

Mine used to bicker, endlessly. It used to drive me nuts. They’re a girl & boy with 23 months between them. Now they are adults they are great! Hang in there, as long as they aren’t violent with it, as they say, this too shall pass!

@Nickyknackered i think I’m dreading it because it’s hard managing two children with different needs and different interests and at different stages. This is actually the first summer I’ve had them both at home together - DS left nursery at the end of last July but DD continued going for a couple of days a week in August so I got some one to one time with DS, and it broke the week up a bit. Two children is also more expensive of course although I acknowledge I didn’t mention finances in my OP.

I don’t know if we have different definitions of trashing the house. I would say trashing the house and mean, things like cushions on the floor, toys strewn around, a general mess. I am actually trying really hard to train DS in particular to tidy up but a lot of the time it’s more work than just tidying it myself is and I don’t have infinite time to spend on it so I have to have a bit of a balance. I don’t mean breaking things or destroying things (intentionally anyway …)

Ideally I’d be able to engineer a break from one another by having them in their rooms with calm activities but it never seems to work, DD won’t stay in on her own and then DS just keeps coming in to us.

But you did invite critical responses with a critical first response; this is what tends to happen.

Absolutely and I dont mind that.

Everyone have different baseline levels of what they call messy/ arguing / misbehaving/ whatever.

I am also a childminder and very organised in how I structure our day.

Every morning we go out, even if its to the park, feed the ducks, play in a friends garden, to the garden centre to buy seeds to plant, whatever! Bigger trips if and when you can afford. I've just got the newspapers and collected free Natuonal Trust entry vouchers.

Home for lunch/ naps and playing in the afternoon. I set up activites with their input and they play with what they want.

Everyone tidies with a song on the Alexa before lunch and before dinner.

Make your own broad routine and make house rules (only around 5) together. Keep consistent is the key.

How odd.

I would like to share this photo of you!! I was only in the kitchen and thought they were playing nicely. Then I came back to this! 😂 I can laugh now but at the time I was so frustrated and it took so long to put them all back.

Sorry meant to say “share this photo WITH you”. This is only half the room too! Other half also ‘tiled’ with books

We have a routine but childcare is very different to home, even a home based setting. It has to be; by its very nature.

@Janefx40 ah but you’re a household with loads of books so you’ve given them a huge advantage there for a start

There's just no point in trying to make the OP feel alienated or inadequate for really normal parental feelings! It's very common and my neighbours (we are the only young family on the street, everyone else has adult children or grandchildren) and everyone has joked about how it's 6 weeks of no peace etc. It's not some sort of failure on the OPs part, what is even the point of commenting apart from to make her feel bad, if you have grown up children it's not like you are in the same boat.

OP I get you, I am in an acting up role at work that ends over the summer and don't have the opportunity to take my normal chunk of annual leave over the summer so I will be working over the duration from home 😬 My biggest tip is to divide and conquer with structured time to come together. We will set up Mario Kart when we start to hear someone whining or get one of them to help in the kitchen while one hoovers. If they start chasing eachother around I will get the Lego out, etc. We still have plenty of bickering as we are far from perfect but with planning its doable. Good luck!!

I was actually chatting to another mum about this this morning. It is a thing, as much as siblings can be a source of support and company for one another they can also be a source of conflict.