Advice on demanding stepdaughter

[TheNoisyLemonSquid]

I promised I tried to keep this brief 🙈 just looking for some advice or words of encouragement in regard to my DSD.

Me and my partner have been together nearly 4 years, my DSD is 8 & a half, I don’t have kids myself and she is an only child. She is with us 2/3 nights a week and every other weekend (my partner works every other weekend & different shifts through the week. I am mon- fri, so we don’t have much time as a couple.)

Over the last year or so she has become extremely demanding and attention seeking to the point I’m really struggling with her when she’s with us.
When she is here, she doesn’t play in her room or by herself, she will sit with us, come into the kitchen and hover whilst we’re cooking, stand next to us when we’re chatting etc. She has to be the loudest in the room and will fill every silence, interrupting to get her point across and will even come and stand inbetween us (back to me) to take over the conversation.
She’s becoming increasingly protective and jealous(?) of her dad and our relationship where we can’t have any time together without her being present, can’t sit next to each other without her forcing her way inbetween or even having a laugh or a private joke without her wanting to know the joke or conversation.
She wants him present still for bathing and needs taking to bed/ tucking in every night - I know all children are different with this, but what is the norm for 8.5?

I’m very conscious of the role I’ve stepped into and try to involve her as much I can, book special trips for us all, pantos at Christmas, days out and I buy her surprises or new clothes often, plus I do encourage my partner to have time the two of them (which due to our minimal time together, he wants us to all spend time together). I am really really trying!

It seems to be getting worse though… someone please tell me this is a phase and it gets better?! Any advice on how to cope / get through these days?

She sounds like a normal 8.5 year old. I have a 16 year old step daughter who has been in my life for 12 years, even at 16 she doesn’t sit in her room alone she’s downstairs with us chatting etc.
Maybe being a step mum isn’t for you, no shame in that it’s not for everyone.
It also sounds like your step daughter would benefit from one on one time with her dad and he should be doing that.

Very normal for her age tbh.

She doesn’t sound demanding. She just sounds like an average 8 year old.

More 1:1 time with dad.

Poor kid. She needs her Dad’s attention when it’s her time with him. The fact that your work schedule doesn’t allow you much couple time is irrelevant - you’re the grown up here and you need to
put her needs first.

Very normal behaviour. Dd did the same around the same age.

She is testing her relationships with you all. Testing the permanence of the situation and making sure she knows she always has a place.

How much time does she get with just her dad? Dd is nearly 13 and still does similar when she feels like her and I have not had enough 121 time. It might be worth scheduling some time for her and dad with out you about. See if that helps ease her anxiety.

Its called being parents.

Your time together is when she is with her mum, when she is with you and her dad she wants to be with him. That's normal.

Mine have neve grown out of it, if they are home and don't have a friend round then they want to be involved in family life. And I love it.

I wouldn't have been a SM, though, and I certainly couldn't have done it before having my own kids as I wouldn't have understood.

You've got a DP problem not a DSD problem. (plus I do encourage my partner to have time the two of them (which due to our minimal time together, he wants us to all spend time together). )

... book special trips for us all, pantos at Christmas, days out and I buy her surprises or new clothes often, ... You don't need to do any of that.

I'd walk away.

Well, my nine year old loves to be downstairs and involved, is involved with making meals and so on and I would expect it to continue for a fair while. The next, more sullen/withdrawn, stage isn’t one to hope for! It does sound as if you’re almost jealous of this girl for being around and taking up time and attention you feel should be on you and your romantic partnership and that needs to be addressed. Maybe do more things yourself and leave them to have one on one time more, even if it’s just that you have a nice long hot bath with a book or do an hour of yoga. They can do the washing/drying up together whilst you relax, etc.

book special trips for us all, pantos at Christmas, days out and I buy her surprises or new clothes often,- don't do any of that. She has two parents, it's their job to parent her, pay for, and arrange stuff for her.

A woman moving in with a man who already has a kid seems incredibly unenjoyable. Do you own your own property?
Why not live separately and enjoy dating without the drudgery?

Very normal and not even slightly demanding. Why on earth would she be at her dad's to be playing in her bedroom? Of course she wants to be with her dad

OP seriously. Your DP’s daughter behaviour is completely normal. You sound jealous and possibly possessive.

He has a daughter. She is his priority - not you.

When she is here, she doesn’t play in her room or by herself, she will sit with us, come into the kitchen and hover whilst we’re cooking, stand next to us when we’re chatting etc.

That's perfectly normal. Most children don't sit alone in another room, as you'd like.

Is your partner using you for childcare? Could that be why you resent his daughter?

Sounds very normal, my 8 year old is the same. She will go to play on her own for a bit but half an hour max usually before she comes and checks in.

I think your DSD needs more 1:1 time with her dad, on his weekends he should take her at least on one of the days to do something just the 2 of them. You presumably have evenings together when she's not there and every other weekend to spend time as a couple. If you were her mum then you would have a lot less time alone as a couple so this is something you should both come to terms with as a blended family if it is something you really want. If it isn't that's fine, but she should always come first to him.

Of course an 8 year old wants to be in the living room or kitchen with you! She's not going to just tuck herself away in her bedroom to give you couple time.

And sorry, but trying to exclude an 8 year old from your 'private jokes' or conversations just sounds odd and rude 🤔

My 8 year old mainly baths or showers alone now but I still wash her hair, and definitely read her a story and tuck her in. She's 8 not 18!

Sounds perfectly normal to me. She's an only child, when she's with her dad, she wants his attention. Most children that age don't play alone in their rooms, they want to be with family in the communal areas.

Being a parent means not much alone time unless they're asleep (and yes you have to do bath and bedtime routines), and always having a child wanting to sit next to you, or help you cook, or get involved in your conversations.
And children are loud and expensive and can chat non stop from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to bed.

Not everyone wants to be a parent, and it's fine if you don't, but don't become a step mum in that case.

Try and think of it as attachment seeking rather than attention seeking. she is doing what kids do to feel safe and connected..

Honestly, this is life as a stepmom. I’ve dated two men who have had kids and it’s not for me! I like to be the priority and fair play to the men who have been good dads, albeit both spoiling their kids and me not having a say in how they parent. If you’re annoyed at the setup, I’d leave and date a man without kids because it probably won’t get any better. I’m now with a man who doesn’t have kids and honestly it is great!

The child doesn't want to spend all the time with her father and his father's partner.
She needs and wants one-to-one time with her father.

That's normal for a child whose parents have separated.

Is there anything changing at mums house? I only ask as we had this when mums partner arrived on the scene and I think she felt insecure and it translated to us.
Nothing wrong with telling her that you’re in a conversation and to wait/telling her it is an adult conversation

It’s teenagers who often spend hours in their room alone. Your partner should know this because he’s a parent ffs

You are expecting far too much from an 8 year old who sounds completely normal. She is feeling insecure about her position in her dad’s life and needs love and reassurance. She visits his house to see him - not be sent away so he can have couple time. How does your partner not know what 8 year olds are like?

Totally normal to want company while bathing - hair washing properly is difficult, especially if her hair is long and/or thick. Plus she’ll naturally have FOMO about what dad and you are doing downstairs lol. Tucking into bed is normal until at least secondary school too- it sounds pretty cruel that her dad is pushing her to behave much older than her years. I would also say that his unreasonable behaviour and expectations are contributing to her insecurity and I wouldn’t be surprised if this delays the day that she’s secure enough to leave you and dad alone.

It could be a phase, and it may get better. But the behaviour needs to be managed.

Her dad needs to spend one-on-one time with her.

He needs to manage conversations, so that she doesn't interrupt adult conversations, doesn't body-block you in three-way conversations, and doesn't shout over people. (This is basic manners anyway.)

If he is sitting next to you on the couch, he doesn't let her just push her way in, but addresses the behaviour.

Does your DH see her behaviour as a problem? If not, you've got a DH problem.

Don't EVER let her demand that you be relegated to the back seat of tje car dobshe sits up front with him. And google the term "mini wife", so you know what you could be up against.

Been there, got through it, good luck!
Typo edit

Why should she have to stay in her room? She’s a little child and it’s her home too.

I am usually pro step mom, at least compared to mumsnet, but you need to give your head a massive wobble. She is a perfectly normal child who wants to be engaged with her father and you. Totally normal! Desirable even as its how children grow up to be able to hold conversations, share, cook, and enjoy family life.