Am I wrong to feel dismissed over my partner's childcare decisions?

[Missymanc]

I Have been with my partner for 3 years and he has a 6 yr old who he co-shares. We live together in my house with my 15 year old son. My stepsons mum doesn’t seem interested at times in having her child so we pick up most weekends, any doctors appointments, football practice during the week and for weeks when she goes on holiday or needs a break. I feel like my OH never gives me a say in this though and I’m just told about it when the plans have already been made. Am I wrong for feeling annoyed or dismissed? I always get accused of not wanting him around, but when we originally got together it was close to their breakup and she denied him access to his child for months. I don’t want to seem like the wicked stepmom but at the same time, I have already raised my son and am happy building my career now that I can.

You're asking the wrong question.
Eg
Aibu to expect your dp to cook, clean and clothe his ds himself?
Aibu to get dp to do all the household chores associated with his own child?

A parent looking after their child isn’t up for discussion. It just happens.

If you want him to do more of the shopping/laundry/cleaning etc, then it is fair to discuss that and make sure he’s doing his share.

I hear you @Missymanc, this is the home of you and your son, partner has moved in, surely he should have the courtesy to run extra days by you first.

Does you partner get a say in when your son is with you? Do you involve him in decsusions about who cares for your son?

@Missymanc When you say "building your career", are you currently working? I'm trying to work out why he is thinking it is reasonable to put so much of the childcare on you (which he shouldn't be).

Dh should consult you if you already have plans together or if he wants you to do a lift or childcare.

I dont think it needs a discussion if joining day to day life and dh doing lions share. He has a son, imagine how you would feel if you felt it your son had to schedule time at home.

Another woman who puts a man before kids.

Sadly.

No one should have to ask permission to care for their own child. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and he wanted you to ask his permission before spending time with your own DC?

Just to add my perspective on this. I get how you feel op. I was in a very similar situation for many years. DP lived with me and his much younger son would come to stay from time to time.
in my case DP did everything and didn’t expect anything from me whatsoever. Yet I still felt really disregarded.
I would always express happiness when dss came, but DP perhaps guessed it was quite fake. I would then put myself out shopping and cooking to make sure everything went smoothly. But either DP didn’t notice this or absolutely didn’t care, as I never got any credit or gratitude for any of it.

It is a tricky situation for you. Do you want DP to phone you up and say’can we have my son tonight?’ As you will mainly feel you always need to say yes.

but it probably is sensible to have a big open discussion about it all.