Am I wrong to feel dismissed over my partner's childcare decisions?

[Missymanc]

I Have been with my partner for 3 years and he has a 6 yr old who he co-shares. We live together in my house with my 15 year old son. My stepsons mum doesn’t seem interested at times in having her child so we pick up most weekends, any doctors appointments, football practice during the week and for weeks when she goes on holiday or needs a break. I feel like my OH never gives me a say in this though and I’m just told about it when the plans have already been made. Am I wrong for feeling annoyed or dismissed? I always get accused of not wanting him around, but when we originally got together it was close to their breakup and she denied him access to his child for months. I don’t want to seem like the wicked stepmom but at the same time, I have already raised my son and am happy building my career now that I can.

But they are both their respective sons. Does she have to check with him every day that her son is ok to be there? If OP has allowed it to become his home then she’s allowed it to become his son’s by default. I’m sure OP and her son would come as a package deal should it be the other way round. She owns the house, yes, but she has allowed it to become equally his home. You wouldn’t check with a landlord before having guests over would you?

I can see it from both sides really and honestly don't think this relationship will work. You want different things. He wants to raise his son and you're done with childcare and want to focus on your career. Both perfectly good and fine in their own right but as a couple it will just cause conflict, as you're seeing already.

Do you like his son? Is it just that you don't want to feel pushed aside so he can have time with him while you're hoping to focus on the relationship/your career?

putting all the he should she should aside…is this life fun for you? I can’t think of anything worse than spending my free time with someone else’s 6 year old. Especially if I had a 15 year old so am experiencing the freedom of moving along a career, hobbies and dating for fun again. I would ask him to move back out to wherever he was before, and then go back to dating him like you must have at the start. I would then spend the time he has with his child doing the things I like to do. If he doesn’t want to do that, then he’s just using you for your house so you’d be well rid anyway.

So the problem is the living arrangements not that Dad puts his young son first.

So your son can live with you but sod his son? Just end it, it’s not going to work clearly.

Why live together, can't you have a relationship living apart and meet for dates when he doesn't have his son.

Do you ask your partner every day if it’s OK for your son to live with you?

I think once you live together you don't have to keep asking if it's OK if your child comes over. It's just assumed it's OK as it's a shared home.

OP, I think you shouldn't have moved in together. You are at different life stages, you have no interest in raising another child, you are not getting what you want out of this. Get him to move out and you can go back to dating instead, the current arrangement will just cause resentment.

This.

He quickly moved into your child's home after his previous relationship failed.

Why not stop housing him, and just date him? No kids involved, no drudgery- win/win.

He’s got a 6 year old - he’s going to be doing a lot more active parenting for the coming years than you need to do with a 15 year old.

you need to accept that or go

If you live with someone who has a young child, you need to accept your home is now that child’s home too for the next 10-15 years.

If you are not up for that then be honest with him that your life is at a different stage and consider living separately.

Otherwise you are just going to make each other miserable and damage that child (they will sense they are not wanted however well you think you hide it).

He’s a Dad, and he’s being a Dad. Why does the Mum have to be the parent who picks it all up except on one weeknight and every other weekend? If he hadn’t split he would live f/t with his child.

It would not be reasonable to expect you to alter your schedule or compromise your work fir childcare but unfortunately unless you can accommodate his parenting as part of your life he probably isn’t the partner for you.

As you say, you’ve done your stint of bringing up a younger child. He hasn’t, yet.

ETA in 3 years yours may be off to Uni. Whilst you will still have another 9 years with Dss at home. Think about that.

If you didn’t want a child around you shouldn’t have moved a man into your house that has a child.

they don’t ‘co share’ him, he’s not a toy that can just be picked up when it’s convenient to you. They coparent him.

if you really think she’s not arsed to have her child there, and this young child is in a house where his mum wants to push him off and not be around him a lot, and he’s being jostled between houses you should feel very sorry for the child and glad your dp is stepping in to help the child feel loved and wanted

This is not childcare - it's having his own child.
His child should be welcome on his home whenever, dad should not be asking your permission. The poor kid. He sounds like a good parent.
If you're not be expected to take care of him, why does he need to ask you?

You’ve had the opportunity to raise your son and spend time with him. It sounds like your DP is grabbing every opportunity to do the same with his son. If you don’t want that you should never have got together. You’re entitled to feel the way you do but I’d consider calling it a day if you don’t want his son to be his priority.

He sounds like a good dad

I don’t want to seem like the wicked stepmom but at the same time, I have already raised my son and am happy building my career now that I can

Totally fair and reasonable for you to feel this way.

But I would suggest that this is not the relationship for you. His son is only 6, he'll be pretty full-on for years to come.

i think what you’re saying OP is that it would nice to at least be consulted. Yes it’s his son, and he should put him first, but if he’s constantly dropping plans you and him have made because his ex snaps her fingers and demands childcare arrangements change, and your partner just tells you that’s the new plan, without any discussion then quite frankly that’s dismissive and disrespectful to you.

id say to him, ‘going forward can we have a quick check in before agreeing to our plans changing’.

Putting his child gift does not mean he should cut you out of the conversation, especially in your home.

Hang on, the mum "isn't interested in her child" but your dp only has him for "most" weekends and an hour of football training. So the mum does at least 5/7 days! You'd prefer dp cut back to 2/14?

I don’t think you are unreasonable to expect a say in your own life and weekends OP. It sounds like your DP is using you, even if he doesn’t mean to. It’s not a great relationship if you never have any time together and your plans are constantly cancelled without so much as an apology.
I would ask him to move out as you are never being considered in your own home from what you say,

He is with us Friday-Monday then Tues overnight. It’s hard to put it all into a small and not overly complicated paragraph! My dp will then say “oh we’ve got X tonight, as he’s mums going away” I’ve tried to ask him to give me more of a heads up or consider speaking to me beforehand as, yes he a great hands on dad, but I’m still the one doing the food shop, cooking tea, cleaning up, washing clothes/bedding etc. which he doesn’t consider.

I completely get that, maybe I didn’t word it correctly. I say he does most of the taking care of his child by taking him to and from school and activities but I’m still doing everything in the background… washing bedding/clothes, last min food shopping and extra cooking when I suddenly find out we have him an extra few nights, cleaning etc. which he doesn’t think about. am I unreasonable to think things should be discussed in a relationship beforehand?

Your update highlights that he’s not doing the majority of the care, you are doing all of the grunt work and he’s doing the bits he feels are more fun. I can see how that has built resentment.

So you got a dh problem: you say he's a hands on dad but surely that involvs washing clothes/bedding, cooking tea and cleaning up? If dh was a REAL hands on dad I don't think you would begrudge him having his son over more than the planned days because it SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY IMPACT ON YOU. He's a lazy fucker and you are enabling him.

The problem isn’t the childcare, it’s his laziness. You need to step back and force him to look after his own child. His child should of course be welcome any time, but you shouldn’t be the one running around.