Literally heart broken

[Bubbles9]

Hello, my heart is breaking. Literally feel like the world has swallowed me whole. I am a single mum to two girls, 15 and 9. Different fathers. My oldest daughter I bought up on my own since she was 6 months. Her father sent me an email to end our marriage after 7 years. He packed up our home and moved my daughter and I to a hotel room. I returned after a weekend looking after my mum and the locks were changed. It literally broke me. He then said don’t contact me and went off sailing around the world for eight years. He had ptsd at the time. Gradually I pulled myself together and built a life for my daughter and I. Now my daughter is 15, and over the last few years I have supported them to reconnect and they see each other once a month as he lives 200 miles away. My daughter is amazing, she rides, plays the harp, is straight A. She spends her time at the stables, riding or with her friends. She has a little job one evening at the stables. Over the last 18 months she has been quite tricky as she seeks independence. I only have a few boundaries like keeping yourself safe, being reasonable and to try and tell the truth. But anytime I say no or not yet, she gets very angry. It’s been hard as she says it’s my job to drive her around and my job to pick up after her etc. a week ago she fell off the horse and injured her hand. Fracture clinic splinted it and said no riding or sports. Days later she told me she was riding and I said it wasn’t possible gently and explained why. She was extremely angry. A few days later, she had a hospital appointment about an hour away, I thought her father might like to take her. He was really delighted. All seemed normal the night before, she was happy on the sofa chatting away. Later that day I ask how they are, her father text me back to say she has moved to live with him 200 miles and can I send all her things. It was so traumatic. My daughter had turned her phone off. I agreed for her to have some space and stay with him, but asked for him to slow things down. I asked him to support our daughter to work through her feelings before she walks out on all the things that have been so important to her; her friends, school, home, sister, the horse, her dog, her job, the countryside etc. I have spoken with the school and asked for her place to remain open as she works through her feelings. I have said if after her counselling course she wants to go then I will support the transition. Her sister and I are devastated. I feel like she has gone forever. I can’t believe my ex did this again. I feel like a complete idiot. My heart is broken. I have a court order to protect her schooling, but I cannot keep her somewhere she does not wish to be, so I feel I should support her. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can’t take a breath,

No you don’t need to support her wishes on this. She’s 15 years old and has left home to move in with a parent she has a limited relationship with and who’s known to be flaky with no education plan.

shes a child, you’re the adult you need to go to court and get a residence order or whatever it’s called and tell her she can’t just leave home.

Well that’s going to royally fuck her GCSEs. What’s his plan for her education?

Oh my goodness you poor love. You sound like you've been an amazing mum, truly.
Some of this is completely normal adolescent selfishness. Try very hard not to take it personally. She doesn't know her dad, how could she, so she'll have all sorts of romantic notions about life with him. And he's got no idea how to be a parent.

I know it feels like it but this is not a rejection of you, it's foolishness and immaturity.
Hang in there and don't lose a sense of what a good parent and good person you are.
Big hugs.

At 15 the court will surely say she’s old enough to decide. I wouldn’t force her home it will damage your relationship beyond repair. Sorry I think you have to let her find out for herself.

Have you managed to speak to her at all, OP, or is her phone still off?

At 14 my ds decided to live at the Rule Free home. Drink, drugs, under age sex .no boundaries..
A year later he can back. Full time. Didn't see his df for a long time.

I didn't send his stuff or any money etc.

Bide your time op ime.

You can and should ask the police to do a welfare check. He is a virtual stranger and he isn't supporting you contacting dd to check she is fine. Tell them you have a court order etc.

Does she even have a place at school near her dad’s?
Maybe she could have a summer with dad getting to know him, while she can’t ride and her fracture heals, it might stop her being frustrated at home.
i think they should come and get some things she needs maybe? Or you could send some clothes up but not all?
Send some nice messages to her phone, she might turn it on and peek even if doesn’t contact you for a bit?
you are still home base and you, sister, dog, friends etc are still here.
she might think differently in a few weeks and not want to go to a brand new school up there.
i would be insisting he returns her if there is no concrete plan lined up for her to attend school and hopefully she might have calmed down a bit by then and cheered up as her hand heals. I’m sure she will start to miss you all a lot xxx

It’s all Disney dad at the moment until the novelty wears off.
Make it clear that she is welcome to come e home at any time but don’t try to force it.
She will be utterly bored in the summer holidays. It doesn’t matter that she is missing the last few days of the summer term -I’ll bet she’ll be back long before the start of the next term.

Thank you so much for your messages. It helps. I feel really really hurt and worried for her. I am the primary carer. There is a court order for her to spend a day a month with him. She has a court order for her school too. So her father has broken both. It’s shocking. She is 15 but as it is a critical year and she has thrived at home here, I think there is a chance the court would make her stay. However, if she wanted to go she would be so unhappy and angry and that cannot be good for her either. I have made her father agree to bring her back to school from tomorrow and finish the term. She is having counselling to work through her feelings. I have said slow down and packed up only the things she needs now. I do think she is angry and if she truly goes through with this it will cost her a huge crash in the future. She loves the smell of the stables and she would be moving to a huge city. She only ever been there three nights. She is half way through her gcse and in-line for all grade 9s. It’s all a lot, I feel if I push and demand she comes back she will pull away harder.

She’ll be back when the novelty wears off. Don’t change her school, keep sending supportive messages and don’t send anything but essentials.

Your approach here is perfect and you've already got good results, with her finishing the school term. You're exactly right that trying to force it will make her dig her heels in.

Her father has started ringing around schools! All have said no due to the gcse year. Half her coursework is complete so it is difficult to switch. She will stay with him for a few weeks and then I will listen to the counsellor. The counsellohas another 10 weeks with her over the summer. So perhaps time for her to really think. She has kept her phone off. I sent two messages, one letting her know I love her and the second asking her to slow down and really consider how different her life would be. I feel so lost. The school would like her to stay.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses, it was like a wave of listening. Thank you for your kindness. I am sorry if I seem weak

She almost certainly will be back, but go through legal channels in the background. In a week or two send her a calm friendly text asking her to consider the losses she will experience if she decides to move permanently. Having to make new friends is a big one at 15.

You need to get the law involved.

You don't seem weak at all.
You seem strong and thoughtful and loving and understandably upset.
Breathe. It's early days in a crisis.

Don't completely blame the ex, your daughter has been a selfish nightmare for a while now. I understand you are bereft, but don't beg and promise anything to get her home. Luckily it's the start of the school holidays soon. She won't be able to see her friends or do her usual stuff while at her dad's.

Leave her long enough to miss you without being pushed. when she says she's coming home make it clear that it is conditional on her behaving herself or she will be blackmailing you forever.

Do whatever you need to, to get her through the GCSE’s. She will come back to you, keep the door open, but don’t be a push over when she returns.

I think you're handling it very well, the only additional advice is to text her at least once a day - keep it light, eg updates on what you and her sister are up to, TV shows you watched together, and tell her that you love her and hope to see her very soon.

This will stop her from trying to convince herself that you don't care. I'm sure she's checking her phone.

I think you’re absolutely right to go softly and not make her feel she’s burned any bridges, OP - as long as you’re fully confident that her father is telling the truth and that this desire to move has come from her. Because at the moment you only seem to have his word for this, and the fact that her phone has remained off is concerning. You already know him to be volatile and abusive. I would want to speak to her directly at some point so you can be happy that she is driving this.

Why are you just accepting all this, as if you have no say in the matter- a husband who wants rid of his family cannot simply move them out- you have rights your daughter has rights, why did you just accept it? You cannot be simply locked out of the marital home, legally- why just lie down and accept it, why not take advice?
Now here you are years down the line just accepting it again, your daughter is 15, legally a child,you have custody- she cannot just move in with her father, and send for her things, put your foot down. Your ex really wants her? great he will have to take it to court ,and your daughter will have to say why she wants to live with a father she barely knows- unlikely to happen, you need to find a backbone for your daughter's sake- this move could ruin her life.

I wouldn’t usually respond on a parenting topic (not being one) but your post made me so sad. You are not weak at all. You sound so strong and you’ve been through so much. I remember being 15 and not behaving well at all towards my poor parents. I can only blame it on the age, hormones, stress etc as that’s not me at all. It all worked out fine but some bumpy times. Good luck OP, sending hugs.

I would bet money that she will come crawling back before the summer is out. What a brat! You have been an excellent mum to her and she is throwing her weight around at the first sign of some reasonable boundaries.

This is the ultimate form of control from her father and it’s devastating for you @Bubbles9. You can’t force your daughter to come home but the police should do a welfare check in case she is being coerced.