Literally heart broken

[Bubbles9]

Hello, my heart is breaking. Literally feel like the world has swallowed me whole. I am a single mum to two girls, 15 and 9. Different fathers. My oldest daughter I bought up on my own since she was 6 months. Her father sent me an email to end our marriage after 7 years. He packed up our home and moved my daughter and I to a hotel room. I returned after a weekend looking after my mum and the locks were changed. It literally broke me. He then said don’t contact me and went off sailing around the world for eight years. He had ptsd at the time. Gradually I pulled myself together and built a life for my daughter and I. Now my daughter is 15, and over the last few years I have supported them to reconnect and they see each other once a month as he lives 200 miles away. My daughter is amazing, she rides, plays the harp, is straight A. She spends her time at the stables, riding or with her friends. She has a little job one evening at the stables. Over the last 18 months she has been quite tricky as she seeks independence. I only have a few boundaries like keeping yourself safe, being reasonable and to try and tell the truth. But anytime I say no or not yet, she gets very angry. It’s been hard as she says it’s my job to drive her around and my job to pick up after her etc. a week ago she fell off the horse and injured her hand. Fracture clinic splinted it and said no riding or sports. Days later she told me she was riding and I said it wasn’t possible gently and explained why. She was extremely angry. A few days later, she had a hospital appointment about an hour away, I thought her father might like to take her. He was really delighted. All seemed normal the night before, she was happy on the sofa chatting away. Later that day I ask how they are, her father text me back to say she has moved to live with him 200 miles and can I send all her things. It was so traumatic. My daughter had turned her phone off. I agreed for her to have some space and stay with him, but asked for him to slow things down. I asked him to support our daughter to work through her feelings before she walks out on all the things that have been so important to her; her friends, school, home, sister, the horse, her dog, her job, the countryside etc. I have spoken with the school and asked for her place to remain open as she works through her feelings. I have said if after her counselling course she wants to go then I will support the transition. Her sister and I are devastated. I feel like she has gone forever. I can’t believe my ex did this again. I feel like a complete idiot. My heart is broken. I have a court order to protect her schooling, but I cannot keep her somewhere she does not wish to be, so I feel I should support her. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can’t take a breath,

Thank you, gosh cried again! Just to know I am vaguely not going insane. It really helps. Thank you, so, so much. I will do the welfare check and be patient. Thank you

I’m really sorry, op, I am going through a very similar thing with my just turned 16 year old DD.

Dad not interested for the last couple of years, suddenly back on the scene just as she’s testing boundaries.

My DD had awful issues with school anxiety, home schooled for 2 years just got an EHCP in place for her to go to vocational college, pt timetable.

Put some boundaries in around behaviour (basically saying no to her) and she’s buggered off to live with him. He buys her whatever she wants. Alcohol for sleepovers with her friends etc.

He’s now derailed her college plan and she’s applied to 6th form. She’ll catch the bus apparently which is 45 minutes so she’ll be doing 11 hour days which I know she won’t cope with, but hey, he knows best!!

Im Just waiting for the inevitable burn out and dropping out of sixth form where upon I’m sure she’ll become my problem again.

what is it with these men and their spiteful ways? Its like this is his way of proving he’s the best parent - indulging her and never saying no.

its been 3 months in my case and the novelty hasn’t worn off so do prepare for the worst if you can.

Everyone suggesting going to court - this is pointless. She's 15. No court will force her to live with her mum if she doesn't want to.

Yes, I don’t know why people are saying that? Especially the one or two posters having a go at the op for being a mug and ‘allowing’ him to do this to her. At 15 she cannot be physically picked up and forced into the ops possession? It’s been years since she was at an age where the courts would intervene. He’s not abducted her and she’s ’voted with her feet’ as they say. Even if the op magically did get this court order, it’s completely unenforceable. She can’t get arrested for refusing to go to her mums, and there will be no legal repercussions for her dad refusing to kick her out of his house?
Sorry you’re going through this op, but you’re kind of at her mercy here. It’s hope she comes to her senses. What does she imagine will happen to her horse if she’s not here anymore? Surely you’ll have to sell it if she’s refusing to come home?

I'm so sorry OP, it's an awful situation for you to be in. I think you have to play the long game here. She thinks that living with dad will be all fun and no rules but it's unlikely that a selfish man who has always put himself first is going to change. She will learn the hard way and I'm pretty sure she will be back. The novelty will wear off and she will miss you, her sister, her home and her friends. Stay calm and give it time. Tell your ex he can come and get her stuff if he chooses or he will have to buy her replacements. Tell her you love her and she will always have a home with you.

Whether you can force her to come home or not, you are running the risk that by being too passive she thinks you don’t want her home.

Fifteen year olds are contrary as fuck, and if you don’t make every effort to get her back, she will eventually turn it round onto you and say you were “happy she’d gone” or something equally ridiculous.

There was a very similar post here within the past week or so but I think her daughter had been gone for longer. If you can find that there might be some good advice there too? I had a look but can’t find it unfortunately.

Give her time OP. She will eventually start to miss home and want to come back, and it will be harder for her if you have been ordering or begging her to come back. Say you understand she wants some time at her dads and meanwhile you will look after her dog and horse. Say her dad and she can come and collect some stuff if they want but don't offer to send it, just tell her you would rather keep her belongings for whenever she is ready to come home.

How awful for you op.

I live under threat of this kind of things, it's awful. I'm wishing the next few years away tbh.

Kids have got no idea what they are doing/how hurtful they can be. I hope she cringes when she looks back.

Keep your cool/dignity. It's definitely better for her to be with you for at least her last year of gcses. Your ex is an appalling person encouraging her to do this - and trying to be the great saviour - after he fucked off for years!

Stay strong. Xx

Honestly, if she did live with him then she’d realise he’s not as great as he seems and will want to come home.

I would not force her to come home, else like an abusive relationship, it will only push her further towards him.

For now, compromise that she can spend the entire summer down there with him and every other school holiday but that she must return to yours to go to school until they can find a suitable place to attend there.

Explain to your ex that (assuming she’ll start year 11 in September), that she only has a few months left and half of those will be school holidays anyway.
So it is much better that she stays with him during the holidays but finishes school and then goes to college in his area.

This is a child who has needed and longed for her dad for many years and is holding on to him whilst she still can.
He is probably perfect in her eyes at the minute.
I would put my foot fine about her education but otherwise act supportive, telling her that you and her friends etc will miss her but that you support her and will also have room for her if she ever changes her mind.

How is her fracture being managed? Has her care been transferred? Document all this OP

Document for what?

You'll have to leave her go.
She'll probably be back to live with you within a year - when the novelty wears off.

She's an angry kid throwing a tantrum and he's showing how irresponsible he is and how little he actually cares about her.
Say she needs to finish her school year. Then she can spend the summer at his. Then she does the last school year and she can go to college at his if she wants. But she's also loved and wanted at home.

I went to live with my dad when I was her age. Lasted 4 months then didn't speak to him for a year.

Sorry you are going through this. Teenagers can be awful to deal with they really can. I've had a similar situation, it's awful and as a previous posters said I'm wishing these years away sometimes, well most of the time actually.
Disgusting that these men use the kids to get back at women.

Overwhelmed by all the thoughtful responses. Thank you, and touched by how many are currently in a similar situation, I am so so tired - literally days of nightmare. Just to say I think there were some great ideas, thank you. I plan to go to a joint meeting at the school tomorrow. In a way it could do her some good to face the reality of her father this summer. He is a military officer. So when the honeymoon is over she may be awakened to parenting reality, I just hope she can be sensible and return to finish her GCSEs. I have written to the counsellor with the update of events. Managed to get her father to agree to bring her back to school this term. These are some small wins. The rest will become clear in the next few weeks. I can’t keep giving up inside. I need to get myself together and put energy and love into her little sister who is so sad. The horse and hound I will love and look after. Bedroom keep the same. And I will send her a little life update every few days. Hand out of splint in the next couple of weeks. Thank you all, really touched. Thank you xx

Also to everyone in a similar situation, thank you for your stories and support. I really hope all our families are reunited xx

OP I would speak to the school and see if her tutor or head of year can speak to her about the importance of finishing her education etc.

You have to tread very carefully as she’s at the age where you can’t do anything right but the sun shines out of his ass.

She’ll soon wake up, especially if he’s a military officer and probably won’t be allowed to have a lie in etc.

Keep telling her how much you love her, miss her and always have room for her but that you will support her with any decision as long as it doesn’t affect her education.

Reiterate gently that after her gcse year she can certainly move.
Move now she may need to start year 10 again and will be a year behind

Yes, BUT, given the background context and the fact she is so clearly better off finishing her last year if school/can't get a new place anyway and that her whole life/animals etc are with mum, the Judge might talk some sense into the dad.

Even when an Order has been made though, it's very hard to enforce these thongs, even with older children.

Sounds like you are on it OP. Things are different this time round, your ex is still being selfish and irresponsible towards you both but this time you can hold your ground and have confidence. Your daughter sounds like a clever and well rounded person and that is down to you parenting her all these years without help from him.
She will come back and even though she is not showing it at the moment she will know deep down she has a mum who is doing a great job, that she can count on xx

Thinking of you OP this must be so hard. I think you are handling it very well.

one thing I think is important is to make it so your dd can back down from her plan without loss of face. easier said than done.

I agree

The fact that your ex has ridden roughshod over two court orders, has taken her away in such an underhand manner, and clearly has no idea about her schooling shows how completely unsuitable he is to take on residence.

Your DD is being a typical teen and punishing you for trying to protect her and her injury. He is thinking of himself, not her, and she will learn soon enough where her best interests lie. It's a classic case of the grass being greener.

It will need an absolutely massive amount of calmness and Zen on your part, but try and stick to the bare facts and I'm sure it will all turn out right in the end.

For the future when her daughter wants to understand what happened ...and perhaps asks why her DM did or didn't allow it