Literally heart broken

[Bubbles9]

Hello, my heart is breaking. Literally feel like the world has swallowed me whole. I am a single mum to two girls, 15 and 9. Different fathers. My oldest daughter I bought up on my own since she was 6 months. Her father sent me an email to end our marriage after 7 years. He packed up our home and moved my daughter and I to a hotel room. I returned after a weekend looking after my mum and the locks were changed. It literally broke me. He then said don’t contact me and went off sailing around the world for eight years. He had ptsd at the time. Gradually I pulled myself together and built a life for my daughter and I. Now my daughter is 15, and over the last few years I have supported them to reconnect and they see each other once a month as he lives 200 miles away. My daughter is amazing, she rides, plays the harp, is straight A. She spends her time at the stables, riding or with her friends. She has a little job one evening at the stables. Over the last 18 months she has been quite tricky as she seeks independence. I only have a few boundaries like keeping yourself safe, being reasonable and to try and tell the truth. But anytime I say no or not yet, she gets very angry. It’s been hard as she says it’s my job to drive her around and my job to pick up after her etc. a week ago she fell off the horse and injured her hand. Fracture clinic splinted it and said no riding or sports. Days later she told me she was riding and I said it wasn’t possible gently and explained why. She was extremely angry. A few days later, she had a hospital appointment about an hour away, I thought her father might like to take her. He was really delighted. All seemed normal the night before, she was happy on the sofa chatting away. Later that day I ask how they are, her father text me back to say she has moved to live with him 200 miles and can I send all her things. It was so traumatic. My daughter had turned her phone off. I agreed for her to have some space and stay with him, but asked for him to slow things down. I asked him to support our daughter to work through her feelings before she walks out on all the things that have been so important to her; her friends, school, home, sister, the horse, her dog, her job, the countryside etc. I have spoken with the school and asked for her place to remain open as she works through her feelings. I have said if after her counselling course she wants to go then I will support the transition. Her sister and I are devastated. I feel like she has gone forever. I can’t believe my ex did this again. I feel like a complete idiot. My heart is broken. I have a court order to protect her schooling, but I cannot keep her somewhere she does not wish to be, so I feel I should support her. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can’t take a breath,

Have you actually spoken to her? If you haven’t and all contact has been through her dad I would tell her dad I need to speak to her otherwise I will be contacting the police to request a welfare check to ensure she is safe and does want to be there.

I also wouldn’t be sending anything. If he wants her there he can either provide what she needs or he can come and get her stuff.

Sadly all you probably can do is be calm and not make her feel you’re against her. She’s almost definitely going to end up back with you again once the novelty has worn off.

Apologies if I have missed this but what are her School doing? From a safeguarding point of view they also have a responsibility to report her as a child missing in education, and to find some way of doing a welfare check – this may involve contacting the Police or Social care wherever she has moved to. I would definitely ask for their support as well.

This sounds so awful for you OP. If you've not heard from her personally you definitely need to make sure she's actually on board with this and he hasn't taken her phone off her and decided it all and she's going along with it or worse, being held against her will. Is he still in the army? Call his boss/commanding officer/higher up and make sure he's not lying through his teeth.

Ironically on the day he was suppose to be taking her to her hospital appointment he took her to her school! And basically almost got permission from them to take her out of school for a week. Despite a court order and him not being the primary carer. The school didn’t call me. Told him to call me which he didn’t. Shocking. She is going. Back to school tomorrow and Wednesday for the day. I feel so broken. Having nightmares if I sleep. Just so said.

Tell her no. This is ridiculous, you can't support this.

Unfortunately I think you have to let her be with her dad for the moment- no court will force her to come home. I’d suggest keeping in regularly contact with DD, meeting up and letting her know your door is always open - but shifting responsibility for all your daughters life and drudge jobs to the resident parent (as he did to you when she lived with you) So everything over to him - arranging and taking to medical appointments, school runs, washing, cooking, cleaning, driving her around, buying what she needs … he’ll soon get sick of it, and your DD will get sick of him being a shit parent and Disney dad.

wishing you all the best, you sound lovely.

You need to be proactive here he has breached a court order you have half parental responsibility so she can't just leave. It is very unusual for a teenager to leave without their clothes etc. Talk to your Childrens services Early Help Team. A welfare check is necessary. Don't send her things she needs to return with him and discuss her future with you.

How would you stop her ?

Children's services won't do a welfare check.

I meant to say ask Police to do a welfare check but childrens services front door team could give OP advice

I think when you have separated parents you can almost expect that there will be a time when the child up sticks and moves to the other parents in a grass in always greener situation.

Really, this has happened at a a relatively good time. She’s still a child and she’s at school so they will be involved but it’s July in year ten so she’s not missing crucial content. She might be missing some nice things though and she won’t be seeing her friends. Nor will she be making lovely summer holiday plans with them.

I would be outwardly calm. Communicate with the school. Make an appointment with them. If he doesn’t bring her back to finish the term then breezily and positively text your dd about normal stuff like the dog or how you saw her friend Lucy in tesco.

This is not the worst thing that can happen. She’s with her dad but she’s not going to be there making friends because she’s not at school so what is she going to do day after day with just an old man for company!

I wonder where she thinks the horse is going to live.

Police won't do a welfare check either. Children's services will just advise her to keep communication open and try to persuade them both that she needs to return.

Oh this sounds horrific for you.

I would, for now, just let her run. Term is very nearly over and she's about to see her 'D'F for what he really is - at the moment she still thinks he's brilliant but the cracks will show soon enough. What is she going to do with her time over summer - she can't ride and I'm sure she's going to worry about her animals that's she's left behind.

I'd be quietly understanding, although that is much easier said than done. Don't condemn, keep communication open. I really hope she'll be back with you before the end of summer,when reality starts to kick in.

I echo what everyone says. Perhaps send a photo of the horse she rides with "Bramble misses you".
I would also suggest that if he or she wants her belongings then it's up to them to collect, not you to send on.

Thank you so much for all your words. I felt so low this morning I ended up in field crying like a strange human. Her father collected a few boxes of her belongings, including riding kit etc. I have left the rest of her bedroom for her. It has made me scared of myself. What if I’m doing something wrong, being a bad mother or person and I don’t know I am doing it. I feel like I do not trust myself. Still having a nightmares, I know it’s not the worse thing. But it is a lot for me.,

All those saying tell her no while well meaning are missing the point. The OP can’t say no, the DD can make her own decision.

OP, the most important thing I did for myself in this situation was to remind myself that this wasn’t a story about me - it was a story about my DD and her Dad.

When a parent disappears and doesn’t ‘choose’ the child it creates a massive attachment/ abandonment wound that the stable parent can never fill.

Whether she’s said so or even been conscious of it or not there will have been a longing for the abandoning parent to choose her, and how he has! (Or seems to have)

Imagine your most disappointing romantic relationship where you just long for the other party to step up and choose you, and they never do. Imagine if they reappeared and swept you off your feet.

Thats the same kind of experience your DD is going through, all of that loss and longing gone in an instant. A huge dopamine high at finally being chosen.

Of course you are just the wallpaper in her life; as you have always been there and never created this addictive high of intermittent reward.

Most important thing is to keep being what you’ve always been - consistent, kind and boundaried.

You’ve got this, you’re an amazing Mum.

I think given there's a court order, the police will go to his address to remove her back to your care, or he surely risks being arrested?!

I had this when my dd was 15, had an argument then moved to her dads.
I sent her a message every day saying I loved her, the door was always open etc, but that was it.
Two weeks later the novelty had worn off, and home she came!
Shes now 21, at university and thriving.
Stay strong OP, all will be well xx

Thank you so much, I will try and pull myself together. I’m so sorry for sharing so much of my pain. It has really helped to hear some of your thoughts. I had not even thought about it being about her father. I just thought it was the few boundaries I put in place to keep her safe. Such wise and kind words. I will try really hard to be patient and calm. I will try and do a few more things for myself. And of course I will love her sister here at home. Animals can stay! I don’t even ride. She will be ok in the end. Thank you so much xx

It’s not about you, my love. Teens will always rebel against boundaries.

Sadly, there’s an abusive man on the other side of this who is exploiting the situation instead of holding the frame and keeping things stable.

Look after you in all of this, I know it’s hard but try to fill gap she’s left with some things for you. The years you built together are still there, you’ll always be her Mum and this won’t last forever xx

So he collected her things. and you haven't actually had any contact with or from her yet? That can't be right, if there's a court order.

I know she's 15 and I think you are taking the right approach but please get some professional legal advice on this to find out what your options are.

he was only granted a day a month for a reason. And it might remind him that there are rule HE should follow, whilst you continue the softly approach with your DD.

If he's taken her riding gear, that looks like she's planning to ride whilst at his (that was probably the bribe) but if medical advice says not, then it seems like that would be a good thing to tell the Welfare check people.

Also she will have an attachment to her own horse.

Sit tight OP, she will be back x

Gosh, how upsetting. I know you've told school, is there anyone there that you could talk with about the situation? I think that could help you, your daughter and the school staff.

It sounds like you've done a fab job of raising your two children. It also sounds like you've set up some really normal and sensible boundaries and routines for your teenager to help her feel and stay safe. It's an age when they do start pushing up against some of these boundaries and rules and they're testing out their independence. It's tricky. But in your case Dad's swept it and opened the gate so she's not been able to bounce back to you as she should have.

I'm assuming he's playing good cop bad cop without your consent or engagement and that you've been painted as the big bad wolf or the evil witch while he's this superhero swooping in to save the day and keep her safe from your interference. But your rules and guidance have come from a place of love and care and responsibility.

Argh. It's so frustrating. How's your youngest feeling about it all?

Are you worried that there's any coercive control involved?

I'd definitely talk with the school, maybe they have a family engagement officer or welfare coordinator who can best be the connection and could signpost you to support.

No. A child arrangements order is a civil order to start with, police won't remove a child from a parent who has breached the order unless (in very rare cases) there is power of arrest attached to it. It's on the other parent to apply to court to have the order enforced. And that applies doubly triply to a 15 year old. Unless OP has genuine reason to believe she's at risk of immediate harm in the father's care, police will not visit.

My god, your ex is a cunt. My ex neighbour has two children by two different mothers (who he never used to see) and one day announced that his 15 year old daughter was moving in with him because her mother wouldn't let her boyfriend stay over. It lasted 6 months and she was back home. Oh and he's sold his house and moved miles away. I understand how heartbroken you must be feeling but it won't last.