Literally heart broken

[Bubbles9]

Hello, my heart is breaking. Literally feel like the world has swallowed me whole. I am a single mum to two girls, 15 and 9. Different fathers. My oldest daughter I bought up on my own since she was 6 months. Her father sent me an email to end our marriage after 7 years. He packed up our home and moved my daughter and I to a hotel room. I returned after a weekend looking after my mum and the locks were changed. It literally broke me. He then said don’t contact me and went off sailing around the world for eight years. He had ptsd at the time. Gradually I pulled myself together and built a life for my daughter and I. Now my daughter is 15, and over the last few years I have supported them to reconnect and they see each other once a month as he lives 200 miles away. My daughter is amazing, she rides, plays the harp, is straight A. She spends her time at the stables, riding or with her friends. She has a little job one evening at the stables. Over the last 18 months she has been quite tricky as she seeks independence. I only have a few boundaries like keeping yourself safe, being reasonable and to try and tell the truth. But anytime I say no or not yet, she gets very angry. It’s been hard as she says it’s my job to drive her around and my job to pick up after her etc. a week ago she fell off the horse and injured her hand. Fracture clinic splinted it and said no riding or sports. Days later she told me she was riding and I said it wasn’t possible gently and explained why. She was extremely angry. A few days later, she had a hospital appointment about an hour away, I thought her father might like to take her. He was really delighted. All seemed normal the night before, she was happy on the sofa chatting away. Later that day I ask how they are, her father text me back to say she has moved to live with him 200 miles and can I send all her things. It was so traumatic. My daughter had turned her phone off. I agreed for her to have some space and stay with him, but asked for him to slow things down. I asked him to support our daughter to work through her feelings before she walks out on all the things that have been so important to her; her friends, school, home, sister, the horse, her dog, her job, the countryside etc. I have spoken with the school and asked for her place to remain open as she works through her feelings. I have said if after her counselling course she wants to go then I will support the transition. Her sister and I are devastated. I feel like she has gone forever. I can’t believe my ex did this again. I feel like a complete idiot. My heart is broken. I have a court order to protect her schooling, but I cannot keep her somewhere she does not wish to be, so I feel I should support her. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can’t take a breath,

There is a court order. It's really shitty to blame OP for promoting contact when she clearly had no choice.

Says somebody who has no idea what they're talking about. Studies have shown time and time again that in the absence of serious abuse, contact with both parents is in the child's best interests.

What a nasty post to someone who is clearly suffering.

Her communications are not open daughter has cut all contact I ask Police for welfare checks regularly as part of my work and they always comply

I regularly ask police for welfare checks for children who are literally on child protection plans and they usually decline. What you're saying is just not accurate.

Ime he has laid the blame of him being so absent at your door...
She will in time see the real him. How long do you think he can keep up the facade?
My exh took ds out of the school education system. Nobody called me.

Because he had told secondary school I WAS DEAD.

Is had no education for nearly 2 years.

Then it dawned on him he needed one. And an actual parent. And so he came back. Passed gcse 's with 14 weeks of 2 year's worth of work packed in.
He is now 25 and an outstanding man.
Thankfully his df passed away a few years ago.

No I’m not stupid. Good luck stopping a 15 year old leaving.
Can you watch them 24/7 ?

call police then dad gets done for kidnapping. genius

I’d wait till Saturday afternoon, when it is likely that she will be bored and lonely, and send her some pictures of her horse and her dog.

I don’t suppose there’s anything in the calendar planned with friends this summer. I’d text something like “it’s Isabel’s sleepover on Saturday. Would you like me to pick you up for it?”

Plus I’d take her sister away for a nice weekend somewhere and invite her to come etc etc.

Basically, just try to encourage her to come back to yours as much as possible.

simultaneously, unless dad is very wealthy, I would restrict his access to her stuff so he has to buy all new stuff for his house.

I’d give it a few days let this new reality sink in. Maybe even a couple of weeks. And then say if she intends to go through with this and all her things are packed up ready to collect then the horse will have to go.

I’d be completely cool about it, keep communication low key and chatty. Tell her that the rest of her belongings will be ready for her father to collect whenever she wants them.
The less desperate you appear the less appealing being with her father will be.
She wants tears, anguish and wringing of hands to vindicate her feelings and decisions. Remove that and she’ll realise what she’s missing.

Dad won't be done for kidnapping.

You’ve set reasonable boundaries as recommended by medical professionals and your ex has seized an opportunity. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Thank you all. Even the comments that come with different view points. It’s been a really long day. It’s not that I’m a walk over, or have no backbone. It hurts so much because of the journey I have led with her. We have endured a lot of loss, with my mum, father and brother dying. Bringing her up on my own. We also had a lot of joys too. It hurts so much, because I love her so much. I will not drag it through the courts, I think I would be successful but she would be angry and resentful. It is also important for her to get to know her father, the good and the bad. To learn where she comes from. Her little sister is really missing her and even our dog is looking for her. I am shattered but starting to feel clearer about the way ahead. There are a few extra things that I did not know that have also appeared, and overall her well-being and happiness remains my priority. I do know her father loves her. I will try and trust in some of that. I am meeting with the school, counsellor etc and keeping everything open. The school have seen her today and she was happy there. I honestly feel realistic options are limited, so I will try my best to navigate it all. I am trying my best.

Don’t give up hope my lovely, you are her mum and that counts for so much x
I have been there, with my lovely dd in her teens.
She is now 21 and we are closer than ever x
Stay strong, she will see the light xxx

what have her predicted grade 9s got to do with owt? 🙄

I guess it shows the effort and commitment she put into her life and studies as snap shot in time.

What’s she going to do when a school won’t take her as she’s half way through with different exam boards etc?

Where is she planning on going if her dad gets sent away on exercise?

I wouldn't. She might say your harrassing her.
At 15 I am sure she can choose where she wants to live.

Leave her to it.
I wouldn't be messaging her every day either.
She knows it all - like all teenagers. She knows everything single thing that has ever existed and she won't be told.

Let her find out the hard way.
Living with a feckless dad who does not know her at all, no friends, no routine.

Use this time to do nice things for you and the other child.
You may have a bit more spare money, now that you don't have her keep to pay out for. He can take care of that.

Could you both take a cheeky break abroad or something?
You should use this time to look after you.

She'll be back to you before Michelmas so use this time wisely.

I know what I'm taking about. I'm talking about encouraging and facilitating closeness with horrible men and making excuses for their shortcomings. I think women should just step back and let these men work on their relationships with their children by themselves (if they can be bothered). Some men are perfectly capable of doing this.

This sounds so hard OP. Teens thus age can be quite stubborn and self righteous. All you can do right now is let her know that you love her (send a SMS) and that you are there for her when she needs you.
And she will need you. She just doesn't know it right now. Assuming you trust Dad enough to keep her safe, then I wouls say don't worry about school. It's the last week of term. Tell them she is likely to be back September which is a long way away. It sounss like Dad is already discovering it is not that easy to switch schools etc