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Original poster

Is it rude to refuse sweets offered at the school gates?

101 replies

Strawbewwy · 03/07/2026 11:57

Just looking for a bit of a vent and hopefully some sensible advice as I am conflicted on this.

I really try to feed my children as healthily as possible. My eldest genuinely enjoys fruit, vegetables and meals containing these. If offered say, fruit or a biscuit, would lean towards the biscuit most of the time but would probably want both. The youngest is a lot fussier but we're doing the best we can.

What I am struggling with is outside influence. The eldest has started school now and it is things like other mums at the end of the school day offering out lollipops, ice creams, bags of sweets. This isn't for an occasion, a birthday, a party, a play date, but just a regular occurrence. I understand that some children do have an after school snack (although mine can usually wait until dinner as we eat fairly early), but what I don't agree with is it all being junk food. It is also generous that they bring enough for everyone and offer it out but it does put me in an awkward position. I don't want to seem ungrateful or rude but also don't want to say yes the majority of the time.

I know a lot of people will say what is the problem, it's a little treat etc but it is the frequency for me and also I'd rather when it is a treat, it wasn't at the school gates and instead after dinner in the summer we might go for an evening trip to the park followed by an ice cream or whatever.

Is it rude to say no? Do I just need to unclench? But what about their overall health including dental? Will the other parents think badly of me? It is difficult for my child who gets disappointed when I say no, especially as it isn't consistent.

Any suggestions?

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Lacksplease · 03/07/2026 12:04

Yes it is rude.
Take the sweets, say they can't have them now but thank you and then bring some healthier snacks for allll the kids. Eg share out a bag of oranges etc.
That way you arnt being rude and you are joining in and contributing with what you would prefer the kids eat.

If you have to say no then offer your kids something immediately you would prefer they eat.
Precious first born springs to mind.
As your kids grow up you have less control over them. You need to prepare for that.

TY78910 · 03/07/2026 12:05

It’s not rude to say no but I can imagine it’s awkward to tell your child no.

I don’t really understand people that hand them out though. In my DC school parents just give what they want to their kid alone and other kids don’t bat an eyelid because it’s not for them. That I don’t have an issue with.

MrsMist · 03/07/2026 12:07

I think it's bonkers to be handing sweets out to other people's children. Rude, in fact. Why would anyone do that?

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Original poster
Strawbewwy · 03/07/2026 12:07

Fair comment about the PFB, although it has been a whole family shift to less processed foods in the last year or so.

I once tried offering out fruit and was looked at like a weirdo, I don't want to be THAT mum lol. Feel like it is a lot more simple if we all just do our own thing so there's no pressure on anyone, but also I do understand the generosity side to it!

OP posts:
MrsMist · 03/07/2026 12:08

Lacksplease · 03/07/2026 12:04

Yes it is rude.
Take the sweets, say they can't have them now but thank you and then bring some healthier snacks for allll the kids. Eg share out a bag of oranges etc.
That way you arnt being rude and you are joining in and contributing with what you would prefer the kids eat.

If you have to say no then offer your kids something immediately you would prefer they eat.
Precious first born springs to mind.
As your kids grow up you have less control over them. You need to prepare for that.

Why though? Do you do it? Can you explain?

MrsMist · 03/07/2026 12:09

Strawbewwy · 03/07/2026 12:07

Fair comment about the PFB, although it has been a whole family shift to less processed foods in the last year or so.

I once tried offering out fruit and was looked at like a weirdo, I don't want to be THAT mum lol. Feel like it is a lot more simple if we all just do our own thing so there's no pressure on anyone, but also I do understand the generosity side to it!

Exactly!

This has made me froth and cluch my pearls 😂

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 03/07/2026 12:10

You have mothers at the school gates handing out 30 ice creams ? wow !

don't they melt.

minipie · 03/07/2026 12:11

I’d be bothered by this too OP. Once every so often fine but every day just no. Feed your own child crap if you want to but please don’t offer it to mine and make me be the mean mum for saying no.

I’d say thanks but she will be having something sweet later so don’t want to overdo it.

Original poster
Strawbewwy · 03/07/2026 12:12

MrsMist · 03/07/2026 12:07

I think it's bonkers to be handing sweets out to other people's children. Rude, in fact. Why would anyone do that?

Thanks I also obviously find it a bit odd, but didn't know if I was being ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawbewwy · 03/07/2026 12:12

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 03/07/2026 12:10

You have mothers at the school gates handing out 30 ice creams ? wow !

don't they melt.

Haha that would be a lot! No just enough for close friends.

OP posts:
SNESRainbowRoad · 03/07/2026 12:13

No DS has severe issues arising from hypocalcaemia so I tell the kids sorry we can’t eat those, you can have a snack at home, and walk past as quickly as possible. It gets easier as the kids get used to it. I don’t care if other parents think I’m joyless, I’d rather my kid had all his own teeth.

Original poster
Strawbewwy · 03/07/2026 12:14

minipie · 03/07/2026 12:11

I’d be bothered by this too OP. Once every so often fine but every day just no. Feed your own child crap if you want to but please don’t offer it to mine and make me be the mean mum for saying no.

I’d say thanks but she will be having something sweet later so don’t want to overdo it.

I go for a mixture of "oh yes alright then thank you" or something along those lines or no thanks we're off to X so they'll be having something there. Just wish I didn't feel the need for the excuse!

OP posts:
WildWindySeascape · 03/07/2026 12:15

The other parents are putting you in a difficult position and it’s pretty inconsiderate of them. I wouldn’t want my kids to have sweets everyday after school either. I would just give them a warm smile and say, ‘no thank you’, and leave it at that.

SirChenjins · 03/07/2026 12:16

Is this happening every day with multiple ice creams (how do they stop them melting?!) and packets of sweets? I would tend to allow the ice cream or a couple of sweets, but the rest would be going home and doled out in small doses.

If it's only once in a while then I would be more relaxed about it.

Winterfallen · 03/07/2026 12:19

I let my kids take one and say thank you but when they ask if they can eat it 'now' I say no, you can have it with dinner if you'd like. If pressed I tell them we don't have sugary food as snacks (they are well aware that's the rule). I try and say all that out of earshot of the other mums, especially the one handing it out because I, too, do not wish to be 'that mum'.

Luckily, I've not had much pushback from the kids and 9 times out of 10 they've forgotten about it by dinnertime anyway.

GisGasGus · 03/07/2026 12:22

Lacksplease · 03/07/2026 12:04

Yes it is rude.
Take the sweets, say they can't have them now but thank you and then bring some healthier snacks for allll the kids. Eg share out a bag of oranges etc.
That way you arnt being rude and you are joining in and contributing with what you would prefer the kids eat.

If you have to say no then offer your kids something immediately you would prefer they eat.
Precious first born springs to mind.
As your kids grow up you have less control over them. You need to prepare for that.

Don't be daft, how can it possibly be rude to decline an offer?

Are you a wet lettuce people pleaser?
What a weird viewpoint

Lacksplease · 03/07/2026 12:23

Sometimes its a cultural thing - at our last school sweets handed to all the kids after school was the norm and it was definitely related to the mix of backgrounds. If you took and then never offered it was considered rude. So you made sure you offered but on your terms and also made sure your own kids didn't always have sweets but sometimes did. At one of our current schools they all go to the playpark once a week - often snack food is all shared. Sometimes its sweeter and sometimes not, again, make sure that there's a mix. At this school I would say I'm one of the most relaxed - my kids often have sweets and I will take biscuits (not sweets very often as I'm aware of others judgement). We have had adults bring tofu to share. I'm sure you can tell how many kids ate it.
I would try not to judge and keep it a mix of no only on a Friday and bring healthy stuff to share too.
Regarding teeth - you can get away with an awful lot if you use a fluoride toothpaste and brush their teeth properly for them twice a day until age 6.

WonderWeeksArentReal · 03/07/2026 12:23

Not a thing at DCs school, but if it's not for birthdays I'd probably say 'no thank you' tbh.

We currently have an ice cream van that keeps parking right outside the school which gives me the rage. Most parents come by car, I certainly don't want ice cream dripped all over the inside of my car or to have to stand around outside school while DC eat a very overpriced ice cream reeeaaaallllllyyyy ssllllooowwwwllllyyyy.

One of the many things I love about the school wraparound care is that using it solves all of the parking issues and school gate bolllocks. The 3 days a week that I can just drive right up to the front door of the school and pop DC straight in the car are well worth the cost.

Ivyweb · 03/07/2026 12:25

We decline food all the time for allergy reasons. We don’t always give it as the reason, just decline politely and move on. It’s not rude.

SeditiousPam · 03/07/2026 12:26

If this were my child there would be a blanket ban on accepting any random sweets / snacks offered by other parents. Where would it end, otherwise? Just think of the damage to their teeth and weight if they felt obliged to take everything offered.

Very much easier for them to give a ‘No, thank you.’ to every single offer.

And no, that isn’t rude at all. It would be very weird and uncomfortable for any parent to take offence at a refusal.

Original poster
Strawbewwy · 03/07/2026 12:30

Thank you for all the replies, it's so helpful to know the differing opinions of others.

OP posts:
SummerCycling · 03/07/2026 12:31

Thank goodness this didn't happen at my DCs' schools. I'd have said no thanks but smiled and said something like 'how kind of you, but no thanks'

Nearly50omg · 03/07/2026 12:40

I agree with you op and what I do is not give a shit what the other parents think!!!
i say no thank you my child only eats crap occasionally it’s not a daily thing and isn’t healthy or advised to give children or anyone shit every day to eat

Nearly50omg · 03/07/2026 12:41

Report to school as well as I’m sure ofstead would have something to say about it! Ridiculous!

BoredZelda · 03/07/2026 12:58

It is not rude to decline an offer. If you are bothered they might think you being unreasonable , of if they offer your kids and you think the kids will take it, just say “we’re just away home for dinner” or something similar. No parent would think that’s unreasonable. Personally I don’t care what other parents think of me so I’d just say “No thanks”

Anyone who suggests you should allow a rando parent to feed your child in order to be considered polite or amenable is batshit crazy.