Is it rude to refuse sweets offered at the school gates?

[Strawbewwy]

Just looking for a bit of a vent and hopefully some sensible advice as I am conflicted on this.

I really try to feed my children as healthily as possible. My eldest genuinely enjoys fruit, vegetables and meals containing these. If offered say, fruit or a biscuit, would lean towards the biscuit most of the time but would probably want both. The youngest is a lot fussier but we're doing the best we can.

What I am struggling with is outside influence. The eldest has started school now and it is things like other mums at the end of the school day offering out lollipops, ice creams, bags of sweets. This isn't for an occasion, a birthday, a party, a play date, but just a regular occurrence. I understand that some children do have an after school snack (although mine can usually wait until dinner as we eat fairly early), but what I don't agree with is it all being junk food. It is also generous that they bring enough for everyone and offer it out but it does put me in an awkward position. I don't want to seem ungrateful or rude but also don't want to say yes the majority of the time.

I know a lot of people will say what is the problem, it's a little treat etc but it is the frequency for me and also I'd rather when it is a treat, it wasn't at the school gates and instead after dinner in the summer we might go for an evening trip to the park followed by an ice cream or whatever.

Is it rude to say no? Do I just need to unclench? But what about their overall health including dental? Will the other parents think badly of me? It is difficult for my child who gets disappointed when I say no, especially as it isn't consistent.

Any suggestions?

"Round here we share" is exactly the reason why it's weird. You say you want to "share" your food (your own choice). Two seconds later you've made it into a norm and people that don't want to share their snacks or have snacks offered are foreign.

I think it’s totally weird giving out sweets! Allergies, food restrictions (most gummy sweets have pork derived gelatin), who knows what. I would have no issue saying a breezy ‘no thank you’ with a smile and then move on. That’s not rude
at all.

Whether you agree with them or not, those people handing out sweets are coming from
a place of kindness, so you can get off your high horse upon which you'd never offer a kid anything but a piece of fruit.

if you don't want any, just politely decline. My son doesn't like sweets, so just a simple 'he doesn't like them but thanks for offering though' does the trick if this ever happens at our school for kids birthdays or something.

if they were offering to others and not you, you would be offended. Be thankful you have some seemingly nice people in the parent group and get a grip.

It's competitive kindness and a type of pick-me parenting.

"Isn't so and so so good s/he handed out ice lollies today!"

Other parents then need to start thinking about how can they up their game and make sure they're not branded the-one-who-never-brings-treats-for-kids-that-arent-theirs.

Stop being weird. Stop bringing food to school gates to make other people like you.

Yes, it is really hard but as others have said, best to accept graciously and keep the snacks for later, then take in some of your own one day.
My kids are teens now. We had “Saturday sweet day”’to limit sweets to once a week, but honestly, you don’t have complete control once they go to school and friends’ houses and the odd bag of sweets after school won’t kill them or rot all their teeth. Just be strict about toothbrushing.

I agree. It would be a smiley ‘no thanks’ from me too.

I’m no Puritan but actually complained about this when mothers gave ‘birthday’ sweets for the nursery staff to hand out. I felt that the nursery should be promoting healthy eating and not having their staff hand out sugary treats on the parents’ behalf. Kids have far too many sweets and junk and I didn’t want it just to become an automatic daily thing that I had no control over. The nursery took no notice and carried on the practice but they did leave my dd out of it. I didn’t mind and I don’t think she did either.

It really depends where you live. We used to live in leafy Bucks, no one ever shared anything (nor would they help you if needed.) Now we live in the Midlands - sweets are brought in for the whole class for birthdays, Christmas, Easter, because a mum got her degree. Also if I ever need a hand eg with a school run someone is always happy to help. There’s still a proper community, not just a collection of people from all over the country trying to out-compete each other. It’s just lovely.

It’s not rude if you politely say no

As someone who doesn’t have a very healthy relationship with food I think it’s good to teach children that it’s not rude to say no.

People have given a number of reasons, allergies being one, and trying to keep sugary food to a minimum, as another. Yes, of course it's good to share, but not just randomly handing out stuff at the school gate. If parents do say no, then there is a chance they've then got wound up kids to calm down. All so random distributer of sweets gets to feel good.

That has never ever happened at our school in seven years across two classes! How very odd.

I don't think one necessarily leads to the other. You can be willing to help people out ( I often do) and still not give out sweets in the playground.
If sweets are given out as often as you say, both in class and at the gate, on top of endless parties etc, it's not surprising that we have a generation of kids that won't eat proper food. And they never get the chance to avoid falling into sugae addiction.

I don’t think it is rude to refuse sweets. Someone started doing it. Someone else joined in to be liked by the person doing it. It all sounds far too cliquey.
Just say ‘no thanks’. And don’t worry about it.
Do you really mind what they think?

I don’t know if it’s offensive to ask this but do you have an eating disorder/disordered eating?

I think that you will create a situation where your child is marked as different to the other children possibly leading to bullying etc.

But maybe have a word with the school and ask if they could put a general message out about snacks at the school gate. Seems a bit over the top but its clearly causing you an issue

You can find community in all parts of the country.

Still think "sweets were brought in.... because a mum got her degree" is weird af. That's not even celebrating the kid, it's about the parent. And I think you can celebrate Christmas and Easter through activities rather than through eating sweets.

The OP was talking about sweets at the gates, which means it could be daily... and no specific occasion. So yes it's competitive kindness... at its worst! Dentists everywhere will agree with me!!

Let me get this right.

1. Parents bring sweets to gates for no reason.
2. Parents hand out sweets to kids that are not theirs.
3. Those kids cannot refuse this fake kindness because if they do they might get bullied and marked as different.

Isn't that offensive?

No way. Dc don’t need to eat sweets to avoid bullying.

I’d give them the choice of the sweets now OR dessert/ park treat later. Then hold your ground! More tricky if you have 2 kids and they choose to do different things obviously.

No school I’ve had experience of would ever allow this, for myriad reasons. Treats handed out by staff members to mark a birthday WITH permission, yes. What you describe, no.

In what way could a school “not allow” something that happens after school pick up?

We don’t have this even, there’s a pledge they sign up to. Looking it up it’s the sugar smart campaign.

Many schools ask parents to back up their healthy eating policy. Clearly handing out sweets means the school hasn’t been able to bring parents along with this, assuming they have such a policy. If the sweets are being handed out in the playground the school could say it is not in accordance with their policy, and ask parents not to do it. In the street, virtually impossible.

Im bemused by parents doing this and they obviously don’t care much about teeth either - so I’d be more than happy to make an excuse and say no thanks. Maybe accept occasionally but don’t join in. It’s very unnecessary and just take fruit as you already do. My dc liked cheese and biscuits!

Parents would be reminded it’s policy not to do this on school grounds or near them, and asked politely to refrain from doing it. Via the app, newsletters, in person etc. Obviously you could get someone being a dick about it and thinking they have the right to do it because it’s not against the law, but if it’s frowned upon the idea usually hits home and also parents feel more comfortable declining, as they are supported by the school.

This reminds me of the schools featured in Jamie's School Dinners where the Mums were pushing fast food through the playground bars for their poor starving darlings.

How about making some less processed flapjacks / other quick and easy tray bakes and offering them round?