Is it rude to refuse sweets offered at the school gates?

[Strawbewwy]

Just looking for a bit of a vent and hopefully some sensible advice as I am conflicted on this.

I really try to feed my children as healthily as possible. My eldest genuinely enjoys fruit, vegetables and meals containing these. If offered say, fruit or a biscuit, would lean towards the biscuit most of the time but would probably want both. The youngest is a lot fussier but we're doing the best we can.

What I am struggling with is outside influence. The eldest has started school now and it is things like other mums at the end of the school day offering out lollipops, ice creams, bags of sweets. This isn't for an occasion, a birthday, a party, a play date, but just a regular occurrence. I understand that some children do have an after school snack (although mine can usually wait until dinner as we eat fairly early), but what I don't agree with is it all being junk food. It is also generous that they bring enough for everyone and offer it out but it does put me in an awkward position. I don't want to seem ungrateful or rude but also don't want to say yes the majority of the time.

I know a lot of people will say what is the problem, it's a little treat etc but it is the frequency for me and also I'd rather when it is a treat, it wasn't at the school gates and instead after dinner in the summer we might go for an evening trip to the park followed by an ice cream or whatever.

Is it rude to say no? Do I just need to unclench? But what about their overall health including dental? Will the other parents think badly of me? It is difficult for my child who gets disappointed when I say no, especially as it isn't consistent.

Any suggestions?

@RedStripeLeaf Because dc have allergies and it’s a naff idea. It’s also not what the other parents want and it’s pointless.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner My baking tends to go pretty quickly when offered around. But sure, it's a pity if some kids have allergies and aren't able to enjoy it. It's also a pity if a child feels like they're missing out if they're watching their friends rush to junky crap like ants to bait.

If you don't want to be saying no daily, for various reasons to do with the other mums feelings and your kids feelings

Could you tell your son he can have a treat after school one day a week, of his choice, but when he's had his treat that's it until next week

Possibly using a physical token, so he understands it better at this age, show him you are putting it in your bag on Monday morning, and then whatever day he takes a treat, put it on the shelf when you get home until Monday morning when it goes back in your bag

If you still have it when you get home on Friday then he gets to get a treat over the weekend, so he doesn't feel he will miss out if he doesn't use it earlier in the week and nobody brings anything later in the week

I wouldn't be saying things to him like you don't want him having treats every day because then his teeth will go bad, because that just screams of something the child is going to repeat to other kids in school 🙈 and then you really will be in the other parents bad books!

@RedStripeLeaf I only baked for pta events. Never ever for dc at the school gate and I never saw this. So why is this happening? Where on earth are you? Yes schools do care about healthy dc and teeth. You seem to have a strange set of, dare I say, uneducated parents. Dentists would be horrified.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner It appears you have made erroneous inferences and incorrectly synthesized disparate information from my first suggestion and subsequent response.

Healthy eating policy at school? Parents brought ice lollies to school to be handed out at break. Enough for the entire school - yes hundreds. (Lollies are 13p at Lidl x 500 - so £65). It’s a leafy school £65 would be fine for many parents. Then kids are encouraged to sell sweets at Enterprise fete next week. Pizza reward days if they get housepoints. Popcorn with films last day of term. School disco has sweets for sale and no cap on spends - I know as I’ve volunteered and i was shocked when kids spent a fiver on those 20p refresher bars etc. Sweets handed out at birthdays on the gate (that’s 30 times a year - almost once per week assuming a 39 week academic year). UPF is used at a reward and treat and it’s not just a one off.

Personally I’m not sure I agree with it. I try and limit sweeteners/upf to one meal a day. I am sure I am not the only one. The ice lollies are a lovely gesture but had I have known I would have changed the contents of their lunch box accordingly. Parents didn’t get told it was just assumed every child could have one. We were made aware when a thank you email went out at the end of the week. It happened daily during the heat wave - a variety of parents took them in.

It’s about habits for me, I don’t want them to think sweets and UPF are an every meal/day item. Eat them ofc but eat them knowing it’s junk.

I agree it’s a battle when every party etc is nuggets and cakes (that last a month in a plastic box at the supermarket).

I would decline the sweets. I’m sure many parents accept ‘for later’ (I do wonder if some bin them at home as the children forget).

Edited - And I’m not being PFB as I have more than one. In fact due to the volume of junk I’m worse as they have approached secondary.

Why do they do it? Mums sucking up or wanting to be liked?..my twisted wonder of todays parents.
I dont think its rude to say no...maybe say we dont eat sweets

I don't think it's rude to say no (somewhat agree with pp that it's rude for parents to be offering sweets to other kids in that situation).

And if it's virtually every day I hope you and a bunch of other parents are making it clear it's a not welcome.

It's not rude as long as you say no thank you. You could add, we are having an early tea as a caveat if you like. We didn't experience this at all when mine were in primary.

After school care is your friend:) None of these issues as everyone who collects later usually has a busy life and other priorities than winning “most popular parent” at the school gate.

Pmsl. Ofsted won’t give a toss what happens after school hours

school may say something if on their premises but if outside school gates nothing they can do

@Agniezs Some schools do have healthy eating policies! You are clearly experiencing a school that’s not bothered. Weak head maybe?

I think it's really rude to be handing out food to other children.

We have only had one time when there were potentially going to have sweets on offer. One of the mums messaged she was bringing sweets for after school as it was her daughter's birthday. I had to send a message to say might daughter wouldn't be able to have them because of allergies and another mum messaged to say their child couldn't have them as for their child they are a choking risk. Another messaged to say the school didn't permit it based on healthy eating.

My daughter is used to me saying no, she knows not to approach anyone handing out food without me going first. She looks like she is taking it in her stride and not phased by missing out yet again but then she gets home and she's upset. She doesn't get the same experiences as the other children. It's another way that she is singled out as "other", she has different lunches and snacks to others. She's borderline ARFID as well and goes to lunch 5 minutes before other children and has a staff member sat at her table at lunch. When she's finished school she just wants to get home and be normal in an environment where everything is safe for her. It would really annoy me of a parent then made that transition out of school harder by pointing out yet again that she isn't the same as others.

@Superscientist There’s not much you or anyone can do though when it’s about safety. She has to learn to cope because this won’t change will it? Other dc cannot do other things - it is what it is.

I don’t understand this idea of parents arriving with sweets and food. Healthy eating is educational and schools usually make a big effort to bring parents along with the healthy school policy.

Of course it's not rude to politely decline. As long as you don't start going on about healthy eating.

And that your little poppets are about to eat their supper of a home made spelt pancake with fresh raspberries while sitting at the table at home so you don't want them eating 'junk' on the street. 🤣

Not saying you would say this but some parents can be judgemental about 'snacks' and their supposed quality.

Kindness being called rude. That about sums up our generation of parents.

If I saw someone handing out sweets to kids coming out of school for no apparent reason I would think they were batshit or had some weird ulterior motive.

Thats weird as hell and incredibly inappropriate since you know nothing about anyone's potential allergies or intolerances

It is on thing for children to be eating around her, she is very used to that. It is a completely different thing for a parent to turn up and offer everyone in her class a treat every day of the week.
It is also absolutely unnecessary to be giving sweets out like that. A

Her group of friends do "treat Friday" where they all head to the corner shop together after school on a Friday. There are some sweets she can have. We go she gets what she can have an they all walk home together. It's a shared experience without isolating one child out.

Inclusivity isn't treating everyone the same, it is providing everyone with an equal experience.

I was once in Tesco on a bank holiday and there was a woman with a tin of chocolates giving them to the children as they came. She caught the parents eye as you approached and it you gave her a nod she would bend and offer one. If you didn't she moved away. I shook my head and as I walked past her I said she has a dairy allergy. She tracked me down in the shop a few minutes later with one of each of their dairy free chocolates and asked if any of these were suitable for us.

I really appreciate the way she checked without offering first as it allowed me to sat no and move away without my daughter being aware she was missing out. I was even more appreciative that she wanted her to still be included.

Oh, I’d hate this OP.
Luckily it didn’t happen at our school gate.

DC has allergies and has had one or two anaphylactic reactions in the past so all packaging needs to be very carefully checked. Others may have diabetes, coeliac disease or have religious dietary restrictions etc.

Maybe because DC has allergies I’d be far too hyper-aware of potential problems to hand out sweets randomly. But I admit I’m a bit of a worrier by nature too.

What’s unkind about saying no, thank you? 🤣🤣🤣

Just say No thank you and move on. To be perfectly honest who gives a stuff what they think of you, why would you care and for those saying it is rude to say No, what a load of poppycock!! It isn't rude at all and as lots of people keep parroting, No is a complete sentence. Think people sometimes give too much thought and headspace to what other people think of them. Do what is right for your kids and sod the rest of them.

Thank you- we have Friday as treat day, so we won’t today, but thank you for offering!

Nobody shared snacks at the school gates when mine were in primary, I always brought something healthy and filling with me, as the morning snack at school was usually fruit so burnt off in 5 seconds, and if they were in nursery/reception they hadn't eaten since 11.45. I'd say a polite no thank you, they don't need it.

I've just remembered DS2, then 4, offering his Muslim friend pigs in blankets. Luckily, I jumped in and said his religion didn't allow that, and apologised profusely to his mum.