DS saw phone internet history

[Aarrggghhhh]

Stupid stupid stupid and now I don't know the right thing to say.

Last night DS(14) borrowed my phone to look something up online (his phone goes off between 8 and 8). Very occasionally I watch porn on my phone, but always use private browsing. Yesterday morning was one such occasion but clearly I hadn't remembered about private browsing as when he started typing the address into Google it came up with a porn site in the autofill thing.

DS basically laughed and said 'Mum! Have you been watching porn??' and in that flustered moment I told him to just get on with doing what he needed to do. It wasn't mentioned again. But now he is in school and I have some time I wonder whether I handled it right or need to bring it up again.

I have always warned him of dodgy stuff online and steered him away from it. I rarely use it myself and am not proud of my occasional lapses but I worry he will see me as a hypocrite or now think that it's fine. It's not fine.

I feel like he has caught me smoking or something. I don't smoke but I guess if he had caught me smoking I could say that sometimes I do but that doesn't stop it being bad or unhealthy? But then how would he view a parent doing a bad and unhealthy thing?

His Dad isn't in our lives, if anyone wonders. Just him and me.

Oh dear.

People watch porn, it’s not a crime and whether we want to accept it or not, at 14 he will know about sex. Personally wouldn’t worry, the more of an issue you make of it, the worse it could become

He knows about sex, and about porn. But my line has always been that it's not a good thing to look at because it's unrealistic and potentially abusive etc.
I guess part of my worry is that he will think me hypocritical (which I am!) and also that he might mention it sniggeringly to his mates. That makes me want to raise it again. But I can see the other side as well.

I would probably have an honest conversation. He’s obviously comfortable enough to talk to you about sex related things (which is hugely important and something I was never able to do with my family). Even if you want to lie and say I hadn’t watched it but your comment caught me off guard and I didn’t respond well and I’m sorry kind of thing. Or if you feel comfortable just have a conversation with him about porn and consent. Chances are he’ll explore it at some point anyway.

I don’t watch it but I would have freaked out too so don’t worry!

He may well mention it to his friends if he thought it was funny and they might tell their parents 🙈 time to leave the country

That's pretty funny.

So desperate to protect children from the internet / phone that you stop him using it, then have to lend him your phone, and he discovers you use it for porn.

It's the intelligence level of the current moral witchhunt all packed into one short story. Save the children.

No advice but I love the fact that his reaction was to laugh 😂

Just say you haven’t and if it’s in your history it must be because of a spam link. People accidentally click on adverts and stuff all they time

You're an absolute delight, aren't you?

If you’re only waist deep in a hole, don’t dig any deeper, just leave it.

He knows you've been looking at porn. He's not stupid and he understands how search engines work. He laughed so that's good. If he mentions it again you will have to be honest about it. Could be a good opportunity to talk about the porn industry, porn addiction etc. Sounds like you have a good relationship.

I’d have a talk about the porn unsure now. Get it out there.

This.

I wouldn't worry too much!

I would discuss it with him. Say that sometimes adults feel curious too and search stuff, but not everything you find is going to be good for you. Sometimes you can look for something and then be lead onto more and more extreme content. I would actually discuss studies that show the damaging effects on young men’s sexual function in their relationships for example and the risk of addiction. Talk openly about the misogyny and exploitation of women and even men int he industry and how people are more than sex objects. I think having full information helps to make an informed decision. I’m a nurse and one thing that made me not want to take pills eg mdma in uni was the fact it could have anything in it- rat poison, all sorts and the thought of that scared me it wasn’t just someone saying “don’t do drugs it’s bad” it was having the full knowledge of why.

I would just leave it. My son looked at my phone as he wanted something from amazon and a group chat from swinging friends popped up, i nearly died especially as the group name, photo and tag name was explicit. I mumbled something about spam.

Well, yes. Obviously it makes you a hypocrite. I always reinforced with all of mine that it was participating in likely abuse, as even the participating women who are pro-personal choice and happy with it, all seem to come out a few decades after saying that in reflection they didn’t realise that it was abuse at the time but do so now with hindsight.

I can’t imagine giving that message to my kids and then being caught out surreptitiously watching it myself! That’s so bad.

Laugh, say yes, there is no shame. Healthy attitudes to sex and relationships are key, and by being honest with him you are showing him it is ok for him to be honest with you.

next time be careful with the browsing history 😆🤣

Haha I know right. And I had to laugh at her comment that she isn’t proud of her lapses…ffs 🤦‍♀️

So he learns you're a hypocrite. It's hardly the end of the world. Most kids have learnt that their parents aren't perfect by that age. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

And I wouldn't worry that he's going to be telling his mates either. It'd be mortifying! No 14 year old boy would ever hand their friends that much ammo for endless jokes about their Mum.

I'd hate to discover my parents had watched porn especially at that age. He might have laughed it off but it might have left him feeling icky. I would have lied (yes I think the occasional lie has its place) and said you were getting spam in your social media inbox (genuinely happened to someone I know who was horrified).

Quit the porn.

True though. Kids have been discovering the hypocrisy of adults forever.

Embarrassing, but he's 14 and besides knowing about sex etc., he's also old enough to realise not everyone practises what they preach. I don't think it's such a big deal tbh - not your finest moment as a parent but nothing to get massively stressed about.

You’re worried he will think you’re a hypocrite.. but you are. So, he’ll literally just going to think something true about you. If you don’t like that then stop being a hypocrite. Maybe stop watching porn, given that you seem to be aware of the level of abuse and trafficking in the industry.
I’ve had that conversation with my kids, difference is that I don’t, and never have, watched porn. I can’t think of anything more grim than sitting googling porn on my phone when my kids are in bed.

You won’t be able to sit there and talk to him about trafficked women and abuse etc again, because you’re consuming the material they produce.

Some people have absolutely no issue with porn, and watch it or don’t watch it but they don’t care and they don’t warn other people about it. But you’re watching it whilst telling your kid that the industry can be really awful. So yeah, he can think you’re a hypocrite because you are one.

Odd isn't it, when someone post about their man watching porn, hes called every name under the sun.

If its a woman watching it, its a laugh np big deal.
Double standards yet again.