DS saw phone internet history

[Aarrggghhhh]

Stupid stupid stupid and now I don't know the right thing to say.

Last night DS(14) borrowed my phone to look something up online (his phone goes off between 8 and 8). Very occasionally I watch porn on my phone, but always use private browsing. Yesterday morning was one such occasion but clearly I hadn't remembered about private browsing as when he started typing the address into Google it came up with a porn site in the autofill thing.

DS basically laughed and said 'Mum! Have you been watching porn??' and in that flustered moment I told him to just get on with doing what he needed to do. It wasn't mentioned again. But now he is in school and I have some time I wonder whether I handled it right or need to bring it up again.

I have always warned him of dodgy stuff online and steered him away from it. I rarely use it myself and am not proud of my occasional lapses but I worry he will see me as a hypocrite or now think that it's fine. It's not fine.

I feel like he has caught me smoking or something. I don't smoke but I guess if he had caught me smoking I could say that sometimes I do but that doesn't stop it being bad or unhealthy? But then how would he view a parent doing a bad and unhealthy thing?

His Dad isn't in our lives, if anyone wonders. Just him and me.

thats why i always say to people if you do use porn then the only two sites i recommend are prn hub and you prn

Massive +1.

Do people often ask you to recommend porn sites? Can't say I've ever been asked and I've been asked some weird stuff.

of course they dont,sherlock, its only when they already admit to using it during different conversations etc that i offer those two suggestions.

let me guess the next ive never had conversations where thats come up. well sherlock people do talk about different topics etc

God no - don't say anything to him. I doubt that he'll pursue the topic either, it's not the sort of in-depth chat you want to have with your mum at that age. Consider the conversation this morning as being all that had to be said.

In fact the OP handled it pretty well. Didn't lie, didn't magnify. Enough said.

Exactly.

If you're being honest about how grim you think it is, and you understand how it exploits everyone involved, then why are you looking? Can you not stop? Is there no other interest in your life that is more compelling?

Agree.

@Aarrggghhhh

Well, I can guarantee it that he's going to tell his mates.

I get that the porn industry as a whole is a really bad thing and so much of porn is just nasty and violent, centring on the male point of view. So much of that involves acts that are unrealistic or border on 'unnatural' or something most women would say "Oh hell NO" to. If that's what's on your phone I understand your concern. And I might be tempted to think about whether a discussion of porn not only being exploitative, but also unrealistic and/or not giving much consideration to the female in the scene. I think a lot of young men are being given unfortunate ideas of what is 'pleasing' to the majority of women based on porn.

I'm old and have no oestrogen left so I don't bother with porn in any form. But when I was younger (pre internet) I read 'bodice ripper porn'. It was more female 'oriented' I guess you could say, dealing with 'lovemaking' more than 'fucking IYSWIM. And of course, the woman was always brought to orgasm by her wonderfully tender and 'talented' lover. If one of my sons had told me then he'd 'perused' one of my books I would have been embarrassed (but hoped he learnt something lol), but I would have been horrified if it was the male centred porn around these days.

To tell the truth, both my sons teased me in later years about having taken a gander at my books during their teens. At their ages (both in their 30s) it just made me laugh.

This could be a wonderful opportunity op. Firstly I think you need to decide what you're going to do going forward personally. The reason you feel shame and embarrassment is because its not behaviour that aligns with what you're saying you want your personal integrity to include. Sit down and decide are you someone that supports pornography or not? If not are you going to put in place a system that holds you to your beliefs.

I understand you feel embarrassed but you have the opportunity to model some real life integrity to your son. Some absolutely wonderful stuff you could now model in real time to him. No human is perfect but we have choices.

I help boys and men with pornography addiction (there is occasionally girls and women but predominantly its boys and men) ages start from 9 years old upwards. The one thing they all feel is isolation and shame. That stops them from speaking to those that love them and want to help them. I'm not suggesting there is any addiction going on here.

By not bringing this very real life topic back up you potentially shut that door way for him to in the future. By offering up a very real ,I feel embarrassed I feel shame but I'm going to reach out anyway. I'm going to sit in my uncomfortable feelings and be vunerable. I'm going to reflect on my behaviour and discuss it.

That is incredible role modelling there. Those skills are what make a healthy and safe person. Do you want your son to grow up with integrity? To be able to reflect on his own behaviours right or wrong sit in the uncomfortable and if they dont align with his integrity then enact change?

My husband and I talk openly about pornography drugs all sorts to our children. It's comes from a place of learning the hard way about some issues. No judgement, no " just do as I say" that is far more impactful for them. As a pp also has said.

Even if you was to conclude yes I am someone who occasionally watches pornography but I'm open and aware of the real negatives. I'm going to be open to monitoring if this is a benefit to me and how I feel in the longer term. Being able to tell you son he is free to make up his mind how he feels about it and that too can change. Is still a wonderful opportunity for open clear communication rather then pretending nothing happened.

Nah - just leave it.

To be honest I would not say anything. He's fourteen he knows it exist . He possibly thinks you are being a bit hypocrite but he probably just thinks it's funny. it's not as if you were the star of the film or he saw anything just the address. you are an adult. He's a child One rule for you and one rule for him hypocritical or not.
Like you say, he laughed, he might have had a laugh with his mates at school about it or he might be mortified and not say anything. I don't think it's going cause him any long lasting trauma.

To be blunt, it's cos sometimes I feel horny and the urge causes cognitive dissonance. I don't think it's a question of my ability to stop, since I rarely do it at all.

You don’t need porn to deal with those feelings. You’re likely watching someone being abused.

You can deal with being horny without porn.

But maybe get a boyfriend if you can’t manage it alone.

Get a boyfriend? Jeez.

Anyway, this isn't a thread about the pros and cons of my porn viewing, it's about how to manage the issue with my son. What I do myself personally going forward is another issue.

what if its a mainstream actress eg nina hartley ?

toys wise id say they can take the edge off too

Talk about kicking someone when they're down.

“Of course not don’t be silly. Now, what was it you wanted help with” would have been enough.

I would just forget about it. It's unlikely that he'll bring it up again .

His reaction shows what a brilliant relationship you have with him, that he’s so comfortable to tease you about it is great!

I would be honest with him, you’ve rightly warned him off it as he’s too young to fully understand what it is or appreciate what is real and what isn’t. You’re an adult and can make the decision for yourself.

Don't worry, he won't talk about it with his mates. At this age, teenagers are embarrassed about having parents at all, discussing his mother's suspected porn use would be the epitome of cringe. You can always tell him you clicked on a dodgy link by mistake and use it as a lesson to be wary of dodgy links.

Maybe because women don't often end up as rapists after regularly binging on porn? They just get themselves off and go to sleep? Whereas for many men it's a catalyst for very problematic or even criminal behaviour? What do you think?

Yet the comments on any thread about porn claim that all women in the industry are being abused and trafficked (I'm not sure how true that is), so surely the women that watch it are in the wrong as well?