DS saw phone internet history

[Aarrggghhhh]

Stupid stupid stupid and now I don't know the right thing to say.

Last night DS(14) borrowed my phone to look something up online (his phone goes off between 8 and 8). Very occasionally I watch porn on my phone, but always use private browsing. Yesterday morning was one such occasion but clearly I hadn't remembered about private browsing as when he started typing the address into Google it came up with a porn site in the autofill thing.

DS basically laughed and said 'Mum! Have you been watching porn??' and in that flustered moment I told him to just get on with doing what he needed to do. It wasn't mentioned again. But now he is in school and I have some time I wonder whether I handled it right or need to bring it up again.

I have always warned him of dodgy stuff online and steered him away from it. I rarely use it myself and am not proud of my occasional lapses but I worry he will see me as a hypocrite or now think that it's fine. It's not fine.

I feel like he has caught me smoking or something. I don't smoke but I guess if he had caught me smoking I could say that sometimes I do but that doesn't stop it being bad or unhealthy? But then how would he view a parent doing a bad and unhealthy thing?

His Dad isn't in our lives, if anyone wonders. Just him and me.

Agree wholeheartedly with this. Good advice!

He won't tell his mates, there's no fear of that. I heard my parents shagging when I was about the same age and there is zero chance I'd have strolled into school the next day and told everyone.

I'd leave it where it is now, there are a series of incidents where your kids realise you're fallible and this is just one of those.

Have you actually bothered to read the replies before making this comment?

The entire porn industry takes advantage of people's urges, and whilst in the cold light of day I accept that it's grim I also know that there are times when it doesn't seem quite so grim. Then ten minutes later having done the thing that the entire industry is set up to facilitate, it seems grim again. But clearly I am not the only person feeling like this or there would be no industry! There must be a lot of hypocrites out there, and I am one I admit.

I don't think though that my hypocrisy renders me incapable of talking to my son about it if that was a wise thing to do. Back to my smoking example - I can understand that smoking is bad and that I probably shouldn't do it whilst simultaneously understanding that some people do, and that some smokers even tell me how bad smoking is! But clearly smoking isn't as embarrassing a thing to talk about. Porn wasn't in the abstract, but now it is and I would rather not talk to my son about my consumption of it.

He laughed. Nothing more needs to be said about it.

I think the allegations of hypocrisy aren't entirely fair, to be honest. You're an adult. He's a child. The problem with young teenagers looking at porn is that they don't have the same real-life experience or discernment to know the difference between porn and reality, and also tend to lack the critical thinking/ability to spot red flags in terms of how the material they're watching might have been produced. So yes, it's not a good idea for a 14-year-old with zero experience of adult relationships to be watching videos of adults having sex, for very obvious reasons. Those reasons don't apply to you, as you're a grown adult woman.

It doesn't make you a hypocrite any more than, eg, refusing him the same alcohol that you drink, or not letting him watch an 18-rated horror film you've seen would make you a hypocrite. Things that are OK for adults are not necessarily OK for a children, and most people accept that for other things.

Blimey that’s another level for your son 😳🙈

Read some still wanted to say what I said.

Don’t mention it again to your son unless he raises it.

But if you’re feeling embarrassed and gross about being found out, maybe this is a time to decide to stop participating in this industry.

Lucky he takes my word for most things and doesn't over think it. I certainly learnt to disable notifications for WhatsApp after that.

You are a hypocrite. You can't tell him not to watch women being abused now.

Oh god please PLEASE whatever you do, don't discuss it with him.

He laughed, it's no big deal to him. Don't make it into one. The last thing he wants to talk about is how you "sort yourself out".

And don't beat yourself up for failing on some kind of moral crusade. It's not hypocritical for an adult to be concerned about the effects of porn on a young teenage boy.

It depends on your relationship I guess.

I think if you explain it as you have explained it to us, it should be fine, as long as he has a reasonable amount of emotional intelligence and can comprehend that someone might disapprove of something and yet occasionally feel tempted by it......

This.

Maybe feeling so bad about him knowing you watch porn, OP, is a sign that you should kick the habit. Additionally, how can you expect him, a teenage boy, to have self control, if you can't even exercise it?

As to what to do about this situation...unfortunately bringing it up again and lying will only make you look more guilty, so unless you want to be super uncomfortably honest, and explain that sometimes people slip up and do something they know is negative when they understand they shouldn't, it's best just to leave it.

Wow now he thinks it’s ok to watch porn. Which it’s not btw. So damaging in so many ways.

Additionally: the incognito tab is there for a REASON.

I look up studies on rather unsavoury subjects from time to time, such as stats regarding VAWG, and I always use incognito because I don't want my kids seeing "rates of sex abuse in x situation" popping up. Use the bloody incognito if nothing else.

I’d bet my house that the majority of people using porn don’t care about what goes on in that industry. They’re aren’t a whole load of hypocrites. Stop trying to make yourself feel better. Most people don’t actually care about wellbeing on that sort of scale, most men consuming porn really don’t care what goes on in the industry.

You say you care, but you consume the product. It’s pretty disgusting actually. Have you ever worked with trafficking victims? I have. Porn is a huge reason for trafficking. Maybe if you did some work around that, you wouldn’t be tempted.

Sorry, but it’s a terrible industry ripe either exploration, abuse and illegal activity and most often harms women. There is no excuse for watching it if you care about any of that.

Some people do not care and will watch it. But if you’re pretending to care, whilst using it then you’re worse than them.

Sorry OP but this is beyond grim. It's nothing like smoking- that's abusing your own body, not getting off on watching someone else being abused.

I doubt that he will bring it up and I think the chances of him telling anyone are zero. I don't think that you should bring it up but you will need to talk to him about porn more in general (it's not a one and done conversation) so best to think about what you would say if he brings it up then. Best answer (if true) would be that you no longer watch it.

He will have already seen porn, and now knows you watch it too, so he is unlikely to listen to your warnings about not watching it, as obviously for you it’s fine.

the issue you have is if you bring it up it seems like your guilty, where as if you "forget" then it seems like you covered yourself

and opera with vpn on the browser active,

No way would I lie about it, kids would have know straight away and that makes it look 100 x worse than it really is.
Simple convo, no biggie 'I was just curious, but I don't really agree with how women are treated in porn because of expolitation of a lot of them.' and follow on from there if needed.
Remember mums and dads don't have sex as far as their kids are concerned because that is sooo gross. Babies arrive by Stork Delivery Services, bit like Royal Mail but more reliable.

the other option is the whole @Aarrggghhhh eg yes of Couse i watch it regular even when cooking dinner, etc then say do you honestly think i have time for that misogynist troupe etc all said in a serious but sarcastic way.

like if i was an gchq asset and someone said gottca your gchq, then id be like stop the press you got me, sorta thing

Awkward, but not a big drama. Don't mention it again, unless he does. We all find out secrets about our loved ones, including ones that make us cringe.

If he mentions it I would say it was a false link and it just popped up (so to speak) no need to admit to watching porn to a child and normalise it. Be very careful with porn sites there are a lot of hackers use them to get to your personal information or send ransomware attacks, people tend not to report for obvious reasons.

You should see what my DH got when he was looking for historic train info, I think it was about Puffing Billy or something similar he didn't get at all what he was looking for.

Tbf, I recently discovered that my teenage kids don't hear me and their father having sex (thank god!) but the younger teen wanted to know if we 'did it' at all – and said with great sincerity 'aw, good for you guys!' when we reluctantly admitted that as we aren't infirm or dead, we are in fact still having sex.

So you never know with teenagers these days. I would've died rather than ask my mother if she had sex, haha.