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I dislike my daughter

129 replies

BlackEyeSun · 24/06/2008 12:58

My daughter is 9 and I'm ashamed and saddened to admit that I dislike her. She is so much like my husband and his family and nothing at all like me. She's nasty, a bully, ignorent etc

It all started right from when she was a baby really, I tried to bring her up not to be a brat but DH and his family gave her EVERYTHING she wanted when she wanted it. On her first christmas FIL had to make two trips in the car to bring all the presents that they had bought her and this went on for the first few years until things got more expensive and even then they were spending about £500 each on her.

When she was 4 she demanded that she have her ears pierced. I said no, MIL took her out whilst I was at work and had them done.

When she started nursery she used to snatch things off all the other kids and wouldn't share anything and when the teachers tried to talk to her she would say things like "Who do you think you are talking to?" etc. I would always have to face the teachers who thought it was my fault.

I had to work full time once she started school so DH and his mother used to take it turns to take her to school and they encouraged her to look down her nose at other kids clothes ("look at that girl sweetheart, her shoes are nowhere near as lovely as yours") and DD started wondering around the playground asking kids why they couldn't afford nice clothes like her. MIL used to laugh and encourage her. When she was in year two (about 7 years old) one of the parents called DD a "snooty little sod" and MIL went to town on her in the middle of the playground and DD said to the woman "keep your trap shut about me in future" and then about 4 parents went into the school to complain and we had a letter home saying her attitude towards other people was a cause for concern.

Anyway the same kind of thing has continued through the years, in year 3 two parents went in to complain that DD was wrecking their DC's packed lunches by pouring drinks all over their food. Turns out DD had wanted what they had, they said no and MIL said (as a joke, apparantly) "pour your drink over their food then see how much nicer theirs is compared to yours".

At christmas last year half of the parents told their kids not to send her a card as one boy had and DD strolled out of school laughing at his writting and shouting "my god, a 2 year old would have better writing that this, is he thick?" and MIL laughed at her and agreed that her writing was so much better.

She's 9 now and I just don't like her , she annoys me, she struts about as if she owns everything, she talks awful to me, like I'm thick and below her and if ever I say no she ignores me and gets what she wants off MIL or DH. Neither of them listen to me.

A few weeks ago everyone in the class made a cardboard model and DD strolled out of school and shouted "you should have seen John's attempt, it was the worst of them all" and the mother of "john" told MIL that she was sick to death of DD thinking she was superiour and if it carried on she would make (another) complaint to the school, after a mouthful of abuse from MIL the woman turned to her son and said "smack her in the face next time she says anything to you, its the only way the little bitch will learn" .

Has anyone ever had to deal with disliking their own child? will it ever get better? Will she always be like this?

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themildmanneredjanitor · 24/06/2008 13:40

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Twelvelegs · 24/06/2008 13:42

Get hold of yourself, your DH sounds like a wanker who has probably never had any respect for you and has taught dd to be the same, what a selfish and short sighted twat. Nothing more self indulgent than a parent who spoils a child thinking only of the next five minutes, this is not parenting this is funtime. Doesn't he realise that your dd will have no friends and will find the bully that's bigger when she gets to secondary. Also when she becomes an adult
and she can't get everything her life will feel empty.
(Morloth I love Dr Phil!!!)

gscrym · 24/06/2008 13:42

If this continues till high school then there's every chance that she's going to come up against someone who won't just walk away but will give her a hiding.

Could you talk to your work and see if you could re-arrange hours to suit school? Also, tell DH to get off his lazy arse and get a job. He'll probably tell his mummy you've upset him but he should be doing more to support you, not her.

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Buda · 24/06/2008 13:42

Unfortunately you have let it go for far too long. Your MIL brought up your DH to presumably have the same attitudes and they have both played a part in influencing your DD.

I am not sure there is a solution at this stage. Your DD is old enough to make her feelings very much felt. Do you have any other children?

BlackEyeSun · 24/06/2008 13:43

This is not my first post, I have name-changed.

OP posts:
MadBadandDangeroustoKnow · 24/06/2008 13:43

You say your DH doesn't work. Do you mean he can't work (through illness, disability or whatever) or that he could work but chooses not to? That in itself could be an issue. Could he get some sort of job which would allow you to reduce your working hours and do the school run?

As others have said, you are being bullied. Could your GP refer you for some counselling or coaching, so that you feel more confident about standing your ground with DH and MIL?

more · 24/06/2008 13:48

Can I just ask what you contemplate as being your options here?

BlackEyeSun · 24/06/2008 13:51

I really don't know. People say leave but DD would not come with me, even if I forced her DH would have the courts on to me to apply for residency.

I have considered changing her schools so she can start again but the problems will follow her.

I have considered moving out myself and hoping DD will come to me when her world crashed down around her when she starts secondary school but I know I can't do that.

Part of me has even wished one of the bullied victims at school would hit her to give her a short, sharp lesson in how to treat people but then I feel awful for thinking like that.

OP posts:
cory · 24/06/2008 13:51

She sounds a very unhappy little girl.

hunkermunker · 24/06/2008 13:53

You need professional help - assertiveness training for yourself, maybe and some sort of parenting course.

Can you ask your DH whether he's proud of your daughter and if he thinks her life will be easy and pleasant if she continues to behave like this? I suspect he's probably proud of her, because she's "tough" or somesuch bravado bullshit, but he won't be able to give you an affirmative answer for the second question.

And surely your MIL can have a boating accident or something?

Morloth · 24/06/2008 13:54

Leave and INSIST that she comes with you, you are the mother. Fight a custody battle if you have to but you HAVE. GOT. TO. TRY.

I guess cause she is 9 the courts would have to take her preferences into account but you would be able to have her all to yourself for a couple of days each week presumably.

By standing up for yourself (and her!) you are also showing her that you are NOT a doormat to be treated so poorly.

hunkermunker · 24/06/2008 13:55

Have you spent time with her, by herself?

I'd be tempted to take her away for a week, just the two of you. Not as a treat, more an opportunity to get her away from the influences of your MIL and H.

If you left your H, how would he support himself if he doesn't work? Why doesn't he work? He sounds nutless.

stuckinthecorner · 24/06/2008 13:55

I feel so sorry for you - I agree with the other posters, you have to have the courage to sort this out now or in 5 years time your child will be the bully of the school we all hated, and once hormones get involved....If you dont feel your Dh and MIL will listen to you could you approach the school quietly and ask if THEY could raise it as an issue (keeping your initiation of the meeting a secret?)I`m sure school could invite Dh and MIL along as they are carers too, (and dd if you think that appropriate) and then set out a behaviour contract that dd has to follow. That would give you somewhere to start from both at school and at home.
I also think you need to talk to dh - the way he has behaved at clubs is Bullying and thuggish- no wonder your dd is behaving as she is.

Keep your chin up, I suspect this might get a whole lot worse before it gets better. Keep sight of the long term...hopefully you will end up with a lovely daughter who you can love and respect and be proud of.

smallwhitecat · 24/06/2008 13:55

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hunkermunker · 24/06/2008 13:58

SWC, that was my thought - he doesn't work, so you're working to support him and your DD and he's just undermining you?

Has he ever worked?

cory · 24/06/2008 13:59

BlackEyeSun on Tue 24-Jun-08 13:51:19
'I really don't know. People say leave but DD would not come with me, even if I forced her DH would have the courts on to me to apply for residency.'

Why do you think the courts would necessarily give him residency? Because you have to work? Won't your dh have to work if you leave him? And if he is unable to work (e.g. living off benefits)- why would a judge necessarily think that was better than a working Mum? The world is full of working Mums.

There is something in your relationship with your dh that is deeply worrying. He is not only abusing her by bringing her up this way; his undermining of you is abuse too.

Do you think your dd feels reassured when she sees the relationship between you and dh? And do you think this is a good role model for her future? Remember women tend to marry their fathers and put up with the treatment their mothers put up with.

more · 24/06/2008 13:59

I don't think that any of the children standing up to her would resolve how she feels about the world. It would have to come from your husband and his mother.

Have you considered the option of quitting work and being there for her. Being the one taking her to school, being the one that collects her, taking her in to any school meetings where her unacceptable behaviour is being discussed, take her to the school psychiatrist, just basically constantly being there, even when with her granny. Start saying no to her and mean it.

Most importantly you need to accept that she is not going to change overnight, especially if she is kept in contact with her father (which I suppose can't be helped) and her granny (which can be dramatically reduced). You also need to accept that this is going to be really hard work.

You don't have to work. You can survive without your income, it will be hard, but it will also, just maybe, help your husband realise that he can't buy her everything your little girl wants.

LavendersBlueDillyDilly · 24/06/2008 13:59

Move out. Fight for residency, and failing that live very close by and demand as much contact as possible.

Ask to go part time at work, demonstrate that you are going to be there for her, make your DH contribute to cost of her upbringing.

When you have your time with her alone, work on building your relationsip, build her respect for you and gradually demonstrate and teach her different values, your values, so that she experienes another way of being, and so that her life is not completly blighted by the influence of the warped values of your MIL.

I know this is drastic, and I make it sound easy, which it won't be, but your post describes such a dreadful situation that in my opinion drastic action needs to be taken.

I don't mean to be harsh, but you have allowed this situation to devlop and continue, and it is now time for you to take some action and address it. You may feel you have no chices,but you do. They are hard coices but they need to be taken.

margoandjerry · 24/06/2008 14:01

Can I be tough here? Feel free to skip what's below if the answer is "no".

Your post is about how you hate your daughter and yet the problem is clearly with your MIL and DH. By extension I think the problem is yours. I know that's harsh but if you are not actively behaving as a mother, protecting her from bad influences and ensuring that your home life is, if not perfect, then at least reasonably healthy, then the fault lies at least partly with you.

Whether you leave or not, your inability to deal with these relatives and live up to your role as her mother is what's shouting at me from your posts. It's also the only thing you have potential control of.

In answer to your original question, no it won't get better. Unless you decide to fight for her and fight for your family. I don't mean fight for custody, I mean fight for what you know is right. Fight for the right environment for her.

If other posters are right and you are being bullied by them then you need to get some help asap.

Sorry if I have missed this but do you not have family yourself whose support you could enlist?

margoandjerry · 24/06/2008 14:02

xpost with lavender but agree with her.

LullyOfShallot · 24/06/2008 14:02

hunker
at boating incident

edam · 24/06/2008 14:03

Bloody hell, Blackeye, your dh and MIL sound like poisonous gits.

I think Custy's right and stuck and smallwhitecat have made some very good points - go down to the school on your own and talk to the teachers about some steps to help dd start behaving. And explain to them it would be better if it appears to come from the school, not you.

hunkermunker · 24/06/2008 14:03

Agree with Margo.

She's your daughter - and you're allowing this to happen.

More, not always as simple as "quit work" - people have to pay bills, eat, etc - how would that work?

Tortington · 24/06/2008 14:04

Do you drive?

this needs some planning me thinks

i am not in your situation but if i were i could imagine myself packing the car.

saving some money secretly

and going to a local authority far away - turning up at their council offices and telling them you are suffereing from emotional abuse.

take it from there

yorkshirepudding · 24/06/2008 14:05

Message withdrawn