Evenings with a three-month-old feel chaotic when my husband gets home

[Eggplant19]

Baby is 3 months old and whilst we’re in somewhat of a routine … it’s just absolute chaos when my husband comes through the door. It’s eat (baby will very recently lie contrntky awake in his bassinet whilst we eat) but sometimes we have to take it in turns to eat whilst babe is held. Then it’s clean up the kitchen (usually me which I’m happy to because husband holds the baby as he’s been at work all day. Then I jump in shower, then we BOTH bathe him, then I breastfeed to sleep. But often it’s a combination of rocking and breastfeeding which can take up to 90 mins for him to settle sometimes.

my husband usually helps with the rocking and then passes him to feed but recently he’s been doing a 20 min workout with the weights… and I’m just a bit… jealous maybe? I’m glad he is. He says I can go on a 20 min run whilst he holds the baby but realistically I just don’t see how it’s possible when we’re trying to fit everything else in! I’ve read that babies need an earlier bedtime but at the mo he’s not going to bed until 10pm (he has 4 naps a day)

added to the fact he only co-sleeps because he’s not easy to transfer at all I just feel like evenings are completely bonkers! The only option is to maybe literally move closer to husbands work so he doesn’t come home at 7:00 but even then it might only cut it by half an hour….

is this normal and just apart of parenthood? Maybe it’s just the life adjustment

Sorry you had such a rubbish partner but 'men are shit' is a complete generalisation.....my.DH cooks the family tea every night!

Doing bath time together is a bit…unnecessary. It’s good to have an extra pair of hands but can’t you clean him while you’re in the bath with him (if this is how you want to do it)? Or just hold him in there or get a bath rest for him.

You getting in the bath with the baby while DH wipes the baby is madness. Get a baby bath seat , we had one of these it's soft and flexible and holds the baby in a reclined position, he then baths while you clean up or vice versa. I had a velcro baby who needed rocking to sleep so get how time consuming it is but it will pass

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I think both that this sounds super normal and also like you could rethink it a bit. Try something else for your baby to hang out in while you both eat. Your husband can clean up the kitchen while holding the baby and you can go on a walk. Bath time can be much, much easier and less frequent. It’s going to be chaotic and exhausting, but there are a few things you’re doing that just make it much harder on yourselves.

It shouldn’t take both of you to feed him - good time for him to get his workout in, you can have yours during bath time for example. Or just take the baby with you and go on a walk while he tidies the house and cleans up after dinner. Whatever would be the nicest thing for you after a long day.

This. Bath isn’t a 2 person job. Take your 20 mins & go for a walk.

Why do you both bathe him? That’s pointless.

What time is baby's last nap? Could this one be dropped to aim for an earlier bedtime?

Sounds entirely normal? I can't see any chaos there. Why on earth would you move house?? 10pm is normal bedtime at that age, we only moved to earlier bedtime once mine went in her own room about 7 months. If you do later bedtime, it'll be quicker and won't need endless rocking etc.
Baby doesn't need a bath every night, and you don't need to both do it. Take turns to do something for yourselves each evening, even if only 30 mins.

Yes we could do this! At the mo I hold baby in the bath whilst I’m in it and husband cotton wools and wipes him… probably unnecessary

Or even better, he can clean up while you at least have a sit down in the bath with the baby!

*Although he will probably do a crap job of it to get out of doing it…

We live a 10 min walk from DH's office so he'd be home by 5pm every evening and that made a big difference to our quality of life, but not sure it would be worth it to gain an extra 30 mins.

I'd say the 20 mins of exercise is a minimum for fitness and mental health so I'd insist on carving that time for both of you (although we always managed to do it either during a break in working day or after baby went to sleep, so didn't leave the other one solo parenting).

Personally we tended to do joint bathtimes at that age, but it was a less about it being a chore and more about sitting together with the baby and chatting with each other and playing with the baby, it helped us bond together.

“Breastfeeding is wonderful but it is also very demanding on the mother . At this stage I did mixed feeding , expressed so father could give a bottle and topped up with a little formula if necessary”

This is what makes breastfeeding seem complicated and demanding. Expressing and giving a bottle make extra work for mum, so whilst many people suggest it to ‘give mum a break’, in reality it does the opposite, and the faff of pumping, potential nipple confusion from a bottle (and formula top ups) can be the cause of all kinds of issues from poor latch to low supply.

Dads can do everything except feed, bath, burp, play, rock, contact nap, baby wear whilst vacuuming….. And doing these things builds a strong bond and forms attachment with dad.

At that age the kids were downstairs with us and slept there until we went up. They were used to noise for sleeping during the day and in the evening. Now I never see my soon to be 18 year old & our 10 year old gets his story that he likes with dad at night and then lights out. There comes a time they don’t rely on you much

At that age baby stayed down with us until we went to bed at about 10.
I bathed them in the morning until they were about 6 months old. That was when they went into their own rooms for bedtime, so set up the bedtime routine at that stage.

2 of you to do bath in bonkers. You’ve been with baby all day, he should do it solo while you have a well earned break. The rest of it all very normal with a small baby. I don’t know that I’d call it chaos though. Just plan some easy meals, bonus points if they can be eaten one handed and pass baby back and forth between you as needed.

No ideally we want to keep bedtime when we go to bed at the mo, because he’s a Velcro baby and so putting him down in the cot isn’t an option atm :)

Thanks all - glad it’s totally normal. Chaos might be an exaggeration - I just think I mean in terms of the rest of the day Because at the same time I’m trying to have somewhat of a convo with my husband about his day etc.

I will get something for the bath so it’s easier for one of us to do - we do like the bonding for all of us and it feels safer to hold him cos he’s so heavy but it is causing extra work

Oh that’s interesting! Yes the only reason why doing bath every night because I read about these ‘routines’ but he sleeps with us so maybe don’t need to do yet and can just do bath whenever in the day

I agree, I'd be going for a little walk if you can. I do that now to clear my head for the day, just round the block, and I don't have babies any more.

Evenings are completely bonkers. They don't revert to the way you remember them, or would like them to be, for quite a while. In the Autumn/Winter, when the evenings start to lose the light earlier, you might find that there is a strange half hour (probably longer) where the baby realises bodily cues to feel tired and go to sleep, but fights it because it is earlier than what has happened before. If that comes around, white noise, washing machine, dishwasher noise, pram walk that is semi-background noisy, may be worth trying - I used to have the baby in the pram about 2 metres away from the washer, although it still isn't a quick fix.

If you have 20 minutes, possibly go for a walk, not a run.

Thank you that’s very helpful to know! Oh yes, dreading the shorter days (even before having a baby!)

Oh there’s no conversations at bedtime for quite a while yet! Things change really quickly though - in a few months the baby will be eating food with you and going to bed earlier, a few months after that they might be in their own rooms… it’s constant adjusting. I think the routine should be looked at regularly as survival at 3 months and 6 months and 12 months will be super different.

(And then what’s funny is if you have another they literally have no routine and just slot into all the existing chaos!)

Actually, in the interest of balance, evenings can be really lovely as well as bonkers sometimes! The funniest occasion was when I remember DH doing 'scaredy duck' with a rubber duck. 2 out of 3 were confident swimmers but number 3 didn't like jumping off the edge of the bath so you had to count to 3 (which sounded like Quaack...quaaaaack...QUACK! ) for him to dive in. Both of them would be laughing their heads off and it was a very popular bathtime ritual.

Among other things, you also need to accept your life has fundamentally changed. You will have some quiet evenings when baby starts going to sleep at 7/8pm but that will still only be a couple of hours for you to spend together and will often be taken over by dinner/tidying/work etc. And it's short lived as well, my toddler has gone from 7pm to a 8.30/9pm bedtime now.

I think you are making this harder on yourself. Surely, you must be having very late nights if all this is starting at 7pm when he gets home? At 3 months, mine was nearly asleep at 7pm.

Have baby bathed before he gets home. He spends time with him while you get some time to yourself. Or he bathes him straight away when he gets in while you eat. Then Dh eats and tidies up while you do bedtime. Then it’s like 8:30/9pm and you both have 1.1.5 hours free time and go to bed at 10pm.

Yes but we are using bath time as a ‘bed time queue’ and he only falls asleep on me and then stays asleep next to me in bed so if we did that I wouldn’t be able to have dinner or see my husband at 7pm… although I don’t know how much these ‘cues’ are worth it, I don’t think my parents did any of this with me lol!