Would I be unreasonable asking my partner to decline promotion now? Military & new baby on the way

[PockerMaus]

How would you feel in this situation?

For context.. my partner is 13 years into the military. We have an 11 month old son and are due our second in November 4th. A year before our son was born he moved to a really steady unit that works 9-5 and doesn't deploy. He chose this unit as it meant we had a bit more stability after a rough few years.

He didn't come off the board this year for promotion however he has since been offered a promotion from the reserve list so he hasn't got a choice on where to go. The unit he's been offered is a very busy and active unit and known as being one of the busiest units in terms of exercises & deployments.

He is keen to take the role as it means getting the promotion however I feel really nervous as we are due a new baby. I don't know what it will be like having two young children. I'll be on mat leave for 9 months but then I will return to my job as a firefighter and be on night shifts 2 x a week where he obviously looks after our son. I also worry as we have a good childcare plan where we do about 50% of the nursery pick ups/drop offs each to fit around our schedules.

We have discussed this between us and my partner understands where I'm coming from but I can tell he is still keen to take the role. He's going to find out tomorrow what the upcoming year looks like and how busy/deployable it will be.

Am I unreasonable for not wanting him to promote this time? I said it feels like the wrong time for it and could he not decline this job and then when promotions next come around he will have more choice on where to go.

What would you do in this situation? I do find the army a bit outdated in how it often feels like soldier first family second which doesn't really fit with how the world is these days.

Ah this is so hard OP. I’m not sure there is a right answer. You both have careers, and neither terribly flexible really?

We’ve been in this situation in terms of whether to promote or not, first time around he declined as the posting was too far away, second time thankfully it came about when our kids were older and I was WFH so we did opt for him to promote but he lives out M-F, something I swore we’d never do but ours are teens now and I won’t move them.

I think I would assess what your long term plans are, the fact of the matter is you both have demanding roles, the reality is you’re both going to have to give and take at different points. He needs to understand what the ramifications are if he does turn it down, are there a limit of times? If he does turn it down now, what is the longer term plan?

The promotion might make a difference too, I found the jump form CPL to SGT was actually helpful as it was the first time he was treated like a grown up and given more flexibility.

I think this comes down to your personal situation.

this promotion could be good for you as a family as he will be earning more. How long does he need to be in this role? If you are going to be on mat leave for 9 months, then it’s manageable in short term. But how much longer would you need to put with it before he could move roles?

would the pay increase allow you to pay for overnight childcare? Or drop a day in the short term?

it sounds like the type of role that would give him a lot of experience quickly and so allow better choice next time.

however, you say partner rather than husband? Don’t get me wrong I’m no fan of marriage myself, but I’d be wary of sacrificing your own career for the sake of someone who you aren’t married to. If you split up, his career will have benefited from your sacrifice but you’ll get nothing for it. If you marry, you’ll be entitled to half his pension and assets.

if you’re happy, I’d think about getting married. Simply because it guarantees you’ll benefit from the sacrifices you are making supporting his career. ( you will likely face similar dilemmas in the future). You are already seeing how his military career takes its toll on your choices as a family.

if you are in any way unsure about the relationship- don’t get married and put your own career first.

I don’t want to sound overly negative when it sounds like you’re happy and about to have a baby. But I’d urge all women in your situation to have a clear eyed look at what they want and go for it.

It is hard isn't it 😬 I guess mine doesn't really have any flexibility, but it is stable as in the fact my shifts will never change etc (I do 4 on 4 off).

We're not too sure of the ramifications yet, but as it is from the reserve list I would assume it's not as bad as if he were to have turned down a promotion offered if he came off the board the first time. I guess if he rejects it he'll just wait until the next board and see. I feel we'd have a better idea of what life looks at then as our new baby will be around 5/6 months old.

Ah yes so he'll be going from SGT to SSGT so he did say it's more of just a manager role as opposed to doing a lot of the work. However as he'll be the only one there it is probably likely he'll have to go with them on majority of the exercises etc

I probably unfairly begrudge the army. I've never really bought in to military life as we have always lived out and the majority of my friends are non military so I see how simple their lives are sometimes and think I wish ours was like that lol.

YANBU to feel this way, or to want him to think carefully about the impact of his decisions on his family - equally, he has a role and responsibility to serve and obey which you both know and understand when signing up to Military Service. No easy answer for you - the solution or workable compromise will only come clear from you both listening to each other about what you each feel - what you love about your relationship, your jobs, your family - and your hopes and dreams and worries and fears for yourselves and each other. In my experience a deep listening conversation can build trust and respect and the decisions and next steps emerge more obviously and kindly. I use a guided conversation practice - happy to share. Whatever he comes back with from tomorrow’s meetings, listen with an open heart - to him and to yourself. Sending love.

@Nogreenskittlesvery good response

@PockerMausfunnily enough that’s exactly what happened to us, he was promoted off the reserve list, rejected it, but then he naturally was high up on the board next time (but got a better posting).

I think it’s tricky because as much as you can try to have a “military-light” life by living out (this is what we do too!) sometimes it catches up with you and you get reminded it’s a lifestyle, not just a job. I do feel for him because getting to SSgt is a great achievement and I can understand the desire to take it…but equally this is the most challenging time for your family, babies and toddlers, it’s the toughest bit! And you’ll be the one most impacted, I was all in with DH’s career when ours were those ages, I won’t lie, some resentment still festers, it didn’t impact my career, but just the amount I was lumbered with, I’m not sure I could ever feel like it was appreciated enough.

Do you know how long he plans to serve for? How long could he stay at this posting if he wasn’t promoted? How much say does he have in hos postings and how far and wide he can go? You don’t need to tell me the answers, just the questions I would be thinking about and discussing with him.

Thank you for your response ☺️

We did talk about the financial benefits. However, they're not really an incentive, especially for me. We've both been very unlucky over the last few years, my brother passed away 2 years ago and my partner lost his mum too. Both absolutely devastating times. We received inheritance from both and this has actually paid off our mortgage so, through terrible circumstances, money isn't really an issue for us. I earn a decent wage with my job and up until this recent promotion, I would actually have been the higher earner in the relationship. I know lots of families where the military parent is away a lot so they can earn extra money to buy a house etc which I totally understand but for us I feel we're fortunate to not need to do that. Also losing 2 X close family members has just shown me the importance of having family and what really matters I suppose..

I guess I would resent dropping a shift (and lower my own chances of promotion) to support his promotion when he has other options and has the opportunity to promote every year as opposed to the fire service where they are hard to come by.

I appreciate your comments about marriage, possibly something to consider in the future however we own everything 50% and split bills evenly so it's not like I benefit from any additional pay 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Ah it's so tricky.

Military promotions are pretty feeble financially as well if you’re already near the top of the scale, I think my husband’s last promotion was less than £3000 more, it’s not usually enough to make any major lifestyle change.

Do you know when the next opportunity will come up? DH and I aren’t in the forces but BIL has just been promoted. It’s going to be a huge change/ adjustment for DSIS who has her own career in London (which pays more) and a young family. They had a lot of discussions about it, and I know DSIS is very anxious about it working, but essentially decided that he needed to take it and somehow it will work out. They are moving soon, DSIS needs to be in the office 3 days a week so they have decided they need a live in nanny as DSIS will be away 3 nights a week and BIL won’t be able cover nursery absence and drop-offs/pickups. It’s going to cost them a lot but they both want careers and if he’s going to progress he has to take the opportunity offered.
Listening to DSIS, I’m not sure there is an easy option, someone will be making a sacrifice, it is choosing the best one for you, your partner and your family.

You're right, I don't think the one at home keeping everything together will ever get enough appreciation.

And yes agreed re the financials. Especially as per my above comment we no longer have mortgage etc so we have a bit of financial freedom anyway. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

So in the military they have the opportunity to promote every year (depending on eligibility etc) so he will be eligible for promotion next year and you can put down 10 preferred job roles. Our new baby will also have arrived by then. I think I'm just worried that I have no idea what it'll be like with two young children so it would feel easier to make decisions once we're there rather than now when it's all a bit unknown. I also think being pregnant in general just makes me worry more than I normally would!

I really hope it works out for your BIL and family. It sounds like they have a good system sorted. I find it really hard being away from my son for the two night shifts a week and wonder if it will be bearable leaving my two babies 😭. I think at the moment I know it's only for a few months until I go back on maternity so I don't know how I'll feel going back to it after new baby is here!

The juggle is really ey 😂

This is tricky, I think you need to have a proper discussion about his shifts/ hours in the potential new job and what childcare would be needed to cover it. If you want to go back to 4 days a week this shouldn't be impacted by his job change. So he needs to plan for the childcare for his children, if he wants to take the new job. Especially hard if it's evening work that you do but it needs to be guaranteed childcare or it'll be your job that suffers, and that's really not fair on you

Yeah agreed. Thankfully he has a meeting with the guy tomorrow who is currently in the role so I'm hoping he'll give an honest review of what the role entails.

It's hard because I do 2 days shifts, 2 nights shifts and then 4 days off, it makes it really hard when he goes away as we don't have overnight childcare. & with nurseries not being open over the weekend, we also won't have it Saturday/Sundays. He doesn't have any family to help with childcare and we do ask my parents when they can but they're away a lot & tbh still grieving my brother so I don't like to put too much on their plate.

It feels really unfair but I also appreciate my job isn't flexible at all as the shifts are always the same and I know we both need to try to compromise 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think you need to look at sacrifices you have made to have a family and the sacrifices he has made. It’s not about tit for tat, but if things become very unbalanced and uneven it leads to resentment which will ultimately destroy your marriage.

In the face of it , it looks like you have done pregnancy and childbirth x 2, 18 months maternity leave ( 9 months x 2 ) and gone part time ( as you are only 2 shifts a week ) . So you have lost out on salary, pension and promotion opportunities . While he has given up NOTHING for his children.

That's really not fair is it? You shouldn’t have to ask him to not take a promotion , he needs to be an adult and take responsibility for the kids he decided to have.

Did he ask you to sacrifice all these things for your kids? Did you do it as a special favour for him? No you did it because you love your kids, you put them first and you see the family as a team.

He needs to do the same. it’s time for him to step up and be a man, not selfish child who only thinks of what he wants.

Your update ( and that of other posters) casts things in a different light.

if you don’t have a mortgage then id say skip the promotion. and sounds like any rise would be wiped out with extra childcare?

is it right he can apply for promotion next year? I’d also think it’s worth waiting another year. He needs to compromise a bit here.

on marriage, it’s not just about current assets. It’s about pensions. You may be on a great pension as a firefighter - I don’t know. But am guessing military one will be a good one?

im saying all this because almost half of marriages end in divorce ( sorry to derail thread with doom mongering!)

Sorry I probably didn't make my post clear, I haven't gone part time yet (as I knew I had to remain full time to get full maternity pay again as we wanted our children close together). I work two days shifts then two night shifts and then 4 days off :)

But yes, after this maternity I will probably look at going part time. But that is mainly because I hate being away from our son for two night shifts. He's in nursery in the day if it's through the week so it usually means I don't get to see him for over 48 hours and it breaks my heart! I feel it will be even harder when I have two to not see :( but I also feel this will make my partner think he can just be away more as I'll be at home more which kinda sucks.

He did agree with all the things we discussed about the promotion. I just know there's a part of him that wants to take it regardless of the ramifications it has on me. He said that the first 9 months are fine because I'll be on maternity leave but it's like just because I'm home doesn't mean it's fair to leave me for an extended period to look after two very small children on my own. I love my son more than anything but the first six months of maternity leave was very hard.

Eugh so tricky!

I don’t have personal experience of this, but I worked with a colleague who had been in the army for many years and was deployed around the world, with his wife and children following him at first and then having to remain in the UK. He and his wife had a clear understanding that once he left the army, she would pursue her career, qualify, and that her career would then be prioritised. They stuck to that and when he left, he was as good as his word and looked after everything. She qualified as a solicitor and became a very high flyer.

I remember him saying “she supported me going around the world and now it’s my turn to support her“.

So, perhaps you and your partner need a good understanding of your relationship and of what your long-term plans are.

Aww that sounds like it worked out well for them :) I guess our issue is that we met when we were both established in our careers. I am a watch manager in the fire service so I've worked my way up the ranks and so has he in the army. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I'd say we're both in a good place in our jobs so we could happily stay where we are at but I guess he wants to keep going rather than maintain where we are at.

That's true I never thought about the extra money basically being wiped by childcare but I'd say that would be right!

Yep he will be eligible every year as he has done enough years in his post. He also has the option of doing the foreman course which is basically a year course that guarantees a promotion at the end (if you pass). So it's not like he will have to wait long, he's just worried that declining this offer will negatively affect future promotions but I can't imagine having a legitimate reason would be looked at negatively? 🤷🏼‍♀️

True, yes the military pension is pretty good :) probably better than mine, especially as they don't have to pay it out of their salary! He does always drop hints about marriage haha so maybe one day.

I might be being naive but I’d think ( hope!) the military wouldn’t be able to penalise people for turning down promotions due to childcare reasons.

I'd hope so too, but 'soldier first, family second' all that jazz 😑

Lol, I wish. The military has come a long way in the 15+ years I’ve lived in it, but it’s still decades behind 2026. They don’t really care why you turn down promotion, it’s not a recorded thing, the most painful thing in my experience is how little consideration is given to postings. No fucks given, and it’s really frustrating the way it’s handled, computer will say no the day you’re getting posted, but the posting you want might be available the next day, week, month, but no planning is actually done to try and support this, instead some other poor bugger will likely get the one you want even though they don’t want it. It’s a ridiculous system.

It really is a stupid system. I also don't really understand why the postings are so short. Seems that you spend 2/3 years getting used to a job and then moved onto another so someone new can take over and spend the same amount of time learning the role to only then be moved on again 😅 seems very inefficient!

I think a lot of things in the military are outdated. & The last minute-ness of things is very frustrating. Like my partner has until Monday to accept this offer. So we have a lot to think about but also hard to have all the necessary conversations with people when half of that is a weekend!

Based on this update, what will be your plan for the overnights if you are on shift and your DP is away on exercise / deployment? Will your return PT mean you won't have to do nights (I assume not?) Overnight / weekend babysitters / nannies are ££££ in some parts of the country so id be worried about increase in income being wiped out by needing to buy in childcare support or id need rock solid buy in from family that they'd be around to help. Would you have flexibility to change your rota shift if he was away?

Well this is it really, we don't have a plan. He just says we can get my parents to help. My parents don't currently help with childcare unless it's an emergency i.e. our son is sick so he can't go to daycare and they're able to step in. They didn't want to commit to regular childcare (not in a rude way, but they'll have 4 grandchildren once this new baby has arrived, they've both just retired and tbh just want to enjoy themselves and travel when they can which is totally fair enough, I didnt have children to not raise them myself & they're there if we are desperate. They want to spend time with our children in a relaxed way as and when which is fine by me.

If I do return part time it would be 1 day and 1 night shift which means it would be easier to get childcare but I'm actually not sure how much I want to go part time. The lack of income and dent it will have on my career sucks. I've considered doing a new career where I can work mon-fri but I can't really look into that until after my mat leave as I'll have to return to work full time for at least 3 months so I don't have to pay back any maternity pay.

I also really hate the idea of an overnight nanny. I'm sure they're great but it's like trusting a stranger with my babies. And like you say, ££££