MIL wants DS to spend half the summer holiday overseas with her... AIBU?

[TheWheelsFellOffButWeCarriedOn]

Not sure what to do - probably looking for support and a sense check mostly. My husband is from overseas. We have a 6 yo DS. He bed shares and has never spent a night away from us. He has slept in a different room in the same house fewer times than I have fingers on one hand (always with other family members). My MIL, who at this point I think is barking mad btw, mentioned to DH that she would be happy to fly over to pick up DS and take him back to spend time with her and FIL. DS has visited their house a few times over the years but of course never without us, his parents. I knew this was a discussion in the background and had made some passing comments about someone needing to be in the (i.e. DH) if there were any issues, mentioned MIL could of course stay here, questioned about DH also going out for some of the time and assumed this would be part of any plan. Anyway today it was peacefully dropped on me that MIL is planning on picking up DS a week before the summer holiday starts (so he will be off school for a full two months) and to bring him back over three weeks later. I was stunned to be honest. Firstly, the idea that he would be taken out of school for his last week with his friends and with such a long summer holiday anyway just seems unfair and counter productive for DS. Then also the time - more than 3 weeks... he is 6. We have booked a weekend away already during this time, so that is to be moved or cancelled. I said to DH, in my taken aback and processing the wft-ery of it all - that he would need to be able to go out to PILs during this time period at any point in case DS needed him and wanted to come home. To which my DH seemed to think it was a problem that I suggested this was something he should do, and he thought that I should be able to do this (note I am self-employed, equal if not greater bread-winner and will lose money, clients and reputation just ditching things last minute). It then descended into an argument about me not supporting that his family live far away in another country and he never sees them and he made comparisons to people we know who have family overseas in Europe. I don't know if I am being unreasonable here, but flying 2-3 hours to Europe is entirely different to where my ILs live - no direct flights from our nearest city, it requires travelling door to door for c.20 hours and is not a cheap flight. MIL speaks no English. FIL speaks basic English but works and I presume will be out most of the time working so DS will be with someone as his primary carer during this time with a significant language barrier. He understands the language ok-ish but doesn't speak it confidently. I just think this is all about my MIL and nothing about what is right for DS. I don't think he should miss a week of school, I don't think he will cope for over 3 weeks away from us and I think at the very least one of us (i.e. DH) should be there for a significant chunk of the time he is there. I don't get the urgency that it has to be this summer, I don't get why MIL cannot come out to stay with us, I don't like that she has just communicated with DH about this and I have been given a fait accompli, with no one asking me at any point what i think about length of time and taking DS out of school. I think it is self-serving madness from MIL. I don't tend to have an issue with her but we don't have a common language so I don't really know her or have a real sense of what kind of person she is because of those language and cultural nuances which I cannot pick up on. But this has really made me question her a lot because what kind of a grandparent would want to take their DGS out of school for a week, would think it was realistic a 6 yo could be away from their parents for 3 weeks having never even spent a night away from them before, and who would agree all this with their son and not once think to ask if "mum" (i.e. me) thought it was a good idea and was on board. We have talked about DS being able to spend time over the summer in this country when he is older (and will have a better grasp on the language and have better self care etc), but 6yo... it's just too young. AIBU?
So as not to drip feed, PIL are generally fine, but they don't live in a country that prioritises health and safety and I know they only use a car seat when we are there because of me. I have no confidence there will be consistent use of car seats without me there. They also don't get the importance of suncream for DS skin. Teeth brushing won't happen consistently. Routine won't happen. Sitting in front of the TV for hours a day will happen becaue there is not so much else to do. Not sure they are particularly good at getting DS's food needs (ARFID). MIL is a little overbearing IMHO and will do what she thinks is right rather than what is right for another person. And so this is not a major drip feed, FIL is currenly recovering from major surgery, has some signs of cognitive decline and suffers from what appears to be undiagnosed PTSD or some other form of mental health condition which leads to distressed and disturbed sleep (shouting out and screaming during the night). PIL have a fractious relationship, with several breakups over the years (lasting for about a week or so - just seems immature but I also don't really know what is going on there), their respective families don't appear to get on, GGPs are still alive, there are countless aunties and uncles but very few children of DS age for him to socialise with. They do reckless and irresponsible things, like buying a rabbit because they think DS will like to play with it when we visit, but then they don't look after it properly so it dies because it gets too cold at night, same with the caged birds and they also bought chickens for him to play with, but I don't think really worry too closely about washing hands and bird poop all over the garden etc. In a nutshell I don't trust them to provide proper care to DS at this age and think he needs to be older to spend this amount of time with them alone not just because of home sickness etc, but so that PIL's caring abilities aren't so much of an issue as he will be able to take better care of himself. But again, AIBU? When families live apart like this is it something I should just suck up? I think the thing that hits the most is that I haven't been asked about this and just expected to go along with it, as though such a significant parenting decision can be determined by one parent unilaterally. I just think MIL is mad for thinking this is a good idea as well - I think she is the one driving and proposing it all as DH raised it as something MIL "wanted" to do. And I can forsee the, "you have a DH problem" comments. I absolutely have a DH problem. I shouldn't have to tell him that my view on this should have been front and centre of any discussions about the actual logistics and timings. But he is not speaking to me because I don't understand or support enough that his family are overseas so I cannot have a sensible conversation with him. Am I the mad one here? Is there another side to this that I need to be more understanding of?

Unpopular opinion?
I'd let him go.

DS adores them and misses them. He can't wait to see them and thinks he would have a fantastic time overseas without mum and dad

DH wants it, your DS is keen.

I'd let it happen and be clear while you support this age 7-8 you think 6 is too young. I'd be firm on the point that if it goes sideways DH needs to sort it out, not you.

I don't think it is sensible that your son's first time overnight without a parent is the beginning of a >3 week trip, overseas, when he is not fluent in the language. Aside from concerns about food, car safety etc. I think it would be a good idea to work towards this, over a few years. So this year MiL comes to stay with you, then DH and DS travel back home with her for a week. However, your DH's response to his mother's proposal makes me question his judgment altogether.

Well, I wouldn’t allow it if it was my 6 year old. He’s too young at the moment. As you know, you have a DH problem here. Make sure you have your child’s passport for one thing. Try and talk to your DH - him not talking to you is petty, abusive, and obvs doesn’t solve anything. You are being reasonable - you do want to facilitate the relationship, just not in this way at this time, so try to find a compromise position.

I was going to say that, in some families, it's normal for children to spend the summer with their grandparents, away from their parents, but this does not sound like a normal situation. Of course DS thinks it will be exciting (elements certainly will be), but children sometimes don't tend to face reality/connect the dots. He still sleeps in your bed most nights. How is he going to manage being away from you for such a long time? Will he end up thinking it's a punishment? He has eating issues which your MIL won't cater for. How is that going to work in practice? As for the taking him out of school a week early, is she going to pay the fines you and DH both get? What happens next year and the year after when she keeps wanting to do it, you allow it and you keep getting fines? Will she go to prison on your behalf as well (sarcasm, but you get my drift)?

No one discussed this with you or sought your opinion. And you've already got a family holiday booked which you'd have to cancel? What absolute fuckwittery is this?!

For the above reasons (your child can't leave school a week early, you weren't asked and don't agree, you already have a family holiday booked over that period and can't cancel) I would say, 'no'. But I would look for alternatives, like saying before/after the family holiday, DS can stay with his grandparents for a long weekend (e.g. 4 days) to see how he gets on.

Absolutely I would hide his passport immediately and start to urgently address the fact DH is useless

Your husband is the main problem for agreeing to this crazy idea. Ensure your sone passport is somewhere secure and out of the house. Take a look at the .gov website to see what you can do to prevent your husband applying for another by claiming that it is lost.
Try and get your husband to explain why he will be happy for your sons happiness and security to be put at risk in this scenario. Does your son even speak any of the language the grandparents use?

No. He's too young.
The End.

Hide his passport while you find out what you can legally do to stop him being taken out of the country without your consent. I don't know what the law is in the UK.

You have a massive DH problem.

My kids always went to stay with my Mum during the school holidays from the age of about 4, as we had super long holidays here (9 weeks) and it was impossible for me and DH to cover them all. However, there was a direct flight, it is/was only 2 hours, kids speak the language where Mum lives, as it's the same as the country where we live and they go to school, and they speak EN like my Mum, my Mum was in good health, and the kids were always happy to go. Oh, and they only went for a week.
Now they're teenagers and my Mum's health isn't 100% they don't go on their own any more. We go for a bit longer as a family.
I'd be very wary of sending young kids to a country where a) they don't speak the language, b) there aren't the same rules/laws as in Europe. And no way would I ever have sent my kids for 3 weeks. 1 week was enough for them and for my Mum (who found it quite exhausting, even though she loved having them).

An Indian friend with three children sends them to their grandparents every summer but not at this age. She said they'll get sick at least once during the visit. Change of bugs in food and drink etc. so it's too much.

Oh, and my kids always had to have a signed form (by both parents) from our local government allowing them to travel with my Mum. And she got asked for it every time when they were younger....

I’ve read just a third of your post but no way my DH will make such a big decision without me and going go to grandparents for so long without genuine emergency doesn’t sound right for 6 y.o.
Take his passport NOW out of the house, put in your work place if it’s apporiate or ask a friend. Better someone who doesn’t know the your DH - not a family friend.

added: don’t tell DH that you removed passport, argue about the matter in principle but don’t tell him about passport otherwise the rest of the time you will argue about where the passport is whereas you should discuss WTF is going on .

My DS started spending a few weeks overseas with his grandparents at age 5. Age 6 he spent 4 weeks there. This summer he will also spend 4 weeks there. He also went for a week at Easter.

However:

• he knows them well-

-they speak a little bit of English and he speaks the language

• they would never suggest he skips school
• they have his best interests at heart

So I am not against the concept but your MIL is a bit batshit. If your DS is excited, I'd let him go a couple of weeks. It's good MIL spends a week or two here beforehand.

Yes the whole idea is mad but you are doing him no favours babying him as you are. At 6 he certainly doesn’t need to be sharing a bed with you and should have some experience of you not being around. I’m not saying he should be going off to another country as a first attempt but I do find it strange that he hasn’t even had one night without you. Suggest they fly over and take him for a few days somewhere within the uk?

Many children in many cultures spend several weeks with grandparents and it helps so much with creating a connection and a bond. We have done it from similar age and kids loved it. They still would tell grandparents their secrets and ask for advice. Those saying to wait till 12 or teen years will find that unless the child spent some time there, maybe got some local friends, by that age they will probably not want to go at all.
I would split the visit in two parts (that how we done it from 4 or 5 years) - your husdand goes for a week, then leaves your son for a week, then you come for a few days or a week. Next year your son will know what to expect and you might be more comfortable for him to stay on his own for longer.
His language will improve dramatically (and might be helpful for future GCSE if he would want to do it) and will give him confidence and independence. As for sleeping with parents - mine would sleep with grandma occasionally, not a big deal.

OP's DS wants to go because he loves his grandparents but OP has always been there to mitigate their poor, and in some cases, dangerous choices such as not using car seats, not understanding his eating disorder (ARFID), sticking him in front of the TV for hours and not making him brush his teeth.

I'm also puzzled about why the first week of this holiday needs to be during school time. The summer holiday is six weeks so surely, even if there were no issues with their care, the fact that they are insisting that he is taken out of school is a red flag. Who do they expect to pay the fines? I believe that both parents are charged, so OP would need to pay even if she totally opposes the trip.

Please take a look at this: www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

Someone taking a child outside of the country requires parental permission and a letter to travel. There is a good chance that your MIL will be stopped at the border without this.

As others have said, it's got to be a hard no. And stash the passports somewhere not at home.

This would happen over my dead body. I would threaten divorce over this.

Just to join in with the chorus - Hell No! I would happily draw swords over this with 'D'H (in this case, I would say dick husband!!) . It isn't about being supportive about his family living overseas, and it isn't even (only) about unilateral decision-making, or being consulted, it is about this being clearly NOT what is in the best interests of the child. You cannot let his go ahead under any circumstances. This would set a terrible precedent, not just for your child's holidays but also your marriage.

Hide his passport. Say no. And again

Eventually it might be a really nice thing for him to do in the summer, but I think he is just too young at the moment, which is what I would be saying to MIL. In the meantime she could spend time on FaceTime and he could start to develop his language skills.

Also just to add, I myself slept in my mum's bed until I was 8. Just like my DS, I spent a lot of time with grandparents. I just took it in my stride and always slept by myself there, i thought it was fun and exciting. And a caring grandma would probably hop into bed with him if needed

I'm just remembering how frightened I felt when my mum tried to drop me and my sister (so I wasn't alone) off at my grandmother's house, 20 miles down the road, who spoke English and who we knew well, for ONE NIGHT when I was around that age!! That sounds terrifying for a small child. And the fact they arranged it without consulting you, and with no care for your own plans, is completely out of line.

My MIL also lives abroad (in Europe), and DH has been discussing sending our 6 year old to stay with her on her own for a couple of weeks at some point (her cousins have been staying on their own with their grandmother since the age of about 4 - but they live in the same country so it's different!). I also have a friend who's in the same boat and is desperate for her child to reach an age where she can send her to stay with her parents in her home country for a week or two in the summer holidays. But we are both agreed that 6 is too young! In some ways I think it could be a really precious and worthwhile experience for a child, to learn their other language, learn about their other heritage, and build a relationship with their grandparents. Adults I know who had that experience in the past talk about it with great fondness as a magical time. So I do think it's worth seriously thinking about it for some point in the future. BUT!!!! Not when he's only 6 years old!! Perhaps 9 or 10... maybe even 11 or 12.

Totally understand your anxieties adn reasons for him not going.

But, is there a compromise? This is his family, he is 50% this heritage, culture, I'd say it is important for him to understand and experience the other part of where he comes from, you also say he adores them. It could be a wonderful adventure for him, it could help his sleep and stop him needing to bed share (yes it could also make it worse).

So could you say, absolutely no to taking the last week off school, and say they have him for just 1 week or perhaps 10 days or something?

I think maybe if you discuss it calmly together there might be a decent compromise and your son may make some wonderful childhood memories. If it is a massive catastrophe and your son isn't coping, your husband must be prepared to fly out and bring him home early.

You all sound like you are all being very stubborn and bloody minded but I wonder if you all see it from each others point of view and have a grown up discussion there might be a lovely compromise. And you will get a week or two of time just for yourself and husband :)

I am going to give a contrary opinion here.

I would let him go for a week and in the school holidays only (no missing school) and I would fly over to collect him.

In time it could maybe become 2 weeks. All going well, you will be glad of this in summer holidays to come.

Also, get your DS into his own bed, 6 is just too old to be this enmeshed with parents

Poor rabbit btw. I do think you have separation issues. Maybe send DS for a few days or a week in the holidays and then go and fetch him, may be staying a few days yourself? You may find a break from what seems to be 24/7 childcare is welcome.
What you do need to do is start your DS sleeping in his own room in his own bed. A six year old is too old to be bed sharing with his parents.