TheWheelsFellOffButWeCarriedOn ·
09/06/2026 23:31
Not sure what to do - probably looking for support and a sense check mostly. My husband is from overseas. We have a 6 yo DS. He bed shares and has never spent a night away from us. He has slept in a different room in the same house fewer times than I have fingers on one hand (always with other family members). My MIL, who at this point I think is barking mad btw, mentioned to DH that she would be happy to fly over to pick up DS and take him back to spend time with her and FIL. DS has visited their house a few times over the years but of course never without us, his parents. I knew this was a discussion in the background and had made some passing comments about someone needing to be in the (i.e. DH) if there were any issues, mentioned MIL could of course stay here, questioned about DH also going out for some of the time and assumed this would be part of any plan. Anyway today it was peacefully dropped on me that MIL is planning on picking up DS a week before the summer holiday starts (so he will be off school for a full two months) and to bring him back over three weeks later. I was stunned to be honest. Firstly, the idea that he would be taken out of school for his last week with his friends and with such a long summer holiday anyway just seems unfair and counter productive for DS. Then also the time - more than 3 weeks... he is 6. We have booked a weekend away already during this time, so that is to be moved or cancelled. I said to DH, in my taken aback and processing the wft-ery of it all - that he would need to be able to go out to PILs during this time period at any point in case DS needed him and wanted to come home. To which my DH seemed to think it was a problem that I suggested this was something he should do, and he thought that I should be able to do this (note I am self-employed, equal if not greater bread-winner and will lose money, clients and reputation just ditching things last minute). It then descended into an argument about me not supporting that his family live far away in another country and he never sees them and he made comparisons to people we know who have family overseas in Europe. I don't know if I am being unreasonable here, but flying 2-3 hours to Europe is entirely different to where my ILs live - no direct flights from our nearest city, it requires travelling door to door for c.20 hours and is not a cheap flight. MIL speaks no English. FIL speaks basic English but works and I presume will be out most of the time working so DS will be with someone as his primary carer during this time with a significant language barrier. He understands the language ok-ish but doesn't speak it confidently. I just think this is all about my MIL and nothing about what is right for DS. I don't think he should miss a week of school, I don't think he will cope for over 3 weeks away from us and I think at the very least one of us (i.e. DH) should be there for a significant chunk of the time he is there. I don't get the urgency that it has to be this summer, I don't get why MIL cannot come out to stay with us, I don't like that she has just communicated with DH about this and I have been given a fait accompli, with no one asking me at any point what i think about length of time and taking DS out of school. I think it is self-serving madness from MIL. I don't tend to have an issue with her but we don't have a common language so I don't really know her or have a real sense of what kind of person she is because of those language and cultural nuances which I cannot pick up on. But this has really made me question her a lot because what kind of a grandparent would want to take their DGS out of school for a week, would think it was realistic a 6 yo could be away from their parents for 3 weeks having never even spent a night away from them before, and who would agree all this with their son and not once think to ask if "mum" (i.e. me) thought it was a good idea and was on board. We have talked about DS being able to spend time over the summer in this country when he is older (and will have a better grasp on the language and have better self care etc), but 6yo... it's just too young. AIBU?
So as not to drip feed, PIL are generally fine, but they don't live in a country that prioritises health and safety and I know they only use a car seat when we are there because of me. I have no confidence there will be consistent use of car seats without me there. They also don't get the importance of suncream for DS skin. Teeth brushing won't happen consistently. Routine won't happen. Sitting in front of the TV for hours a day will happen becaue there is not so much else to do. Not sure they are particularly good at getting DS's food needs (ARFID). MIL is a little overbearing IMHO and will do what she thinks is right rather than what is right for another person. And so this is not a major drip feed, FIL is currenly recovering from major surgery, has some signs of cognitive decline and suffers from what appears to be undiagnosed PTSD or some other form of mental health condition which leads to distressed and disturbed sleep (shouting out and screaming during the night). PIL have a fractious relationship, with several breakups over the years (lasting for about a week or so - just seems immature but I also don't really know what is going on there), their respective families don't appear to get on, GGPs are still alive, there are countless aunties and uncles but very few children of DS age for him to socialise with. They do reckless and irresponsible things, like buying a rabbit because they think DS will like to play with it when we visit, but then they don't look after it properly so it dies because it gets too cold at night, same with the caged birds and they also bought chickens for him to play with, but I don't think really worry too closely about washing hands and bird poop all over the garden etc. In a nutshell I don't trust them to provide proper care to DS at this age and think he needs to be older to spend this amount of time with them alone not just because of home sickness etc, but so that PIL's caring abilities aren't so much of an issue as he will be able to take better care of himself. But again, AIBU? When families live apart like this is it something I should just suck up? I think the thing that hits the most is that I haven't been asked about this and just expected to go along with it, as though such a significant parenting decision can be determined by one parent unilaterally. I just think MIL is mad for thinking this is a good idea as well - I think she is the one driving and proposing it all as DH raised it as something MIL "wanted" to do. And I can forsee the, "you have a DH problem" comments. I absolutely have a DH problem. I shouldn't have to tell him that my view on this should have been front and centre of any discussions about the actual logistics and timings. But he is not speaking to me because I don't understand or support enough that his family are overseas so I cannot have a sensible conversation with him. Am I the mad one here? Is there another side to this that I need to be more understanding of?