MIL wants DS to spend half the summer holiday overseas with her... AIBU?

[TheWheelsFellOffButWeCarriedOn]

Not sure what to do - probably looking for support and a sense check mostly. My husband is from overseas. We have a 6 yo DS. He bed shares and has never spent a night away from us. He has slept in a different room in the same house fewer times than I have fingers on one hand (always with other family members). My MIL, who at this point I think is barking mad btw, mentioned to DH that she would be happy to fly over to pick up DS and take him back to spend time with her and FIL. DS has visited their house a few times over the years but of course never without us, his parents. I knew this was a discussion in the background and had made some passing comments about someone needing to be in the (i.e. DH) if there were any issues, mentioned MIL could of course stay here, questioned about DH also going out for some of the time and assumed this would be part of any plan. Anyway today it was peacefully dropped on me that MIL is planning on picking up DS a week before the summer holiday starts (so he will be off school for a full two months) and to bring him back over three weeks later. I was stunned to be honest. Firstly, the idea that he would be taken out of school for his last week with his friends and with such a long summer holiday anyway just seems unfair and counter productive for DS. Then also the time - more than 3 weeks... he is 6. We have booked a weekend away already during this time, so that is to be moved or cancelled. I said to DH, in my taken aback and processing the wft-ery of it all - that he would need to be able to go out to PILs during this time period at any point in case DS needed him and wanted to come home. To which my DH seemed to think it was a problem that I suggested this was something he should do, and he thought that I should be able to do this (note I am self-employed, equal if not greater bread-winner and will lose money, clients and reputation just ditching things last minute). It then descended into an argument about me not supporting that his family live far away in another country and he never sees them and he made comparisons to people we know who have family overseas in Europe. I don't know if I am being unreasonable here, but flying 2-3 hours to Europe is entirely different to where my ILs live - no direct flights from our nearest city, it requires travelling door to door for c.20 hours and is not a cheap flight. MIL speaks no English. FIL speaks basic English but works and I presume will be out most of the time working so DS will be with someone as his primary carer during this time with a significant language barrier. He understands the language ok-ish but doesn't speak it confidently. I just think this is all about my MIL and nothing about what is right for DS. I don't think he should miss a week of school, I don't think he will cope for over 3 weeks away from us and I think at the very least one of us (i.e. DH) should be there for a significant chunk of the time he is there. I don't get the urgency that it has to be this summer, I don't get why MIL cannot come out to stay with us, I don't like that she has just communicated with DH about this and I have been given a fait accompli, with no one asking me at any point what i think about length of time and taking DS out of school. I think it is self-serving madness from MIL. I don't tend to have an issue with her but we don't have a common language so I don't really know her or have a real sense of what kind of person she is because of those language and cultural nuances which I cannot pick up on. But this has really made me question her a lot because what kind of a grandparent would want to take their DGS out of school for a week, would think it was realistic a 6 yo could be away from their parents for 3 weeks having never even spent a night away from them before, and who would agree all this with their son and not once think to ask if "mum" (i.e. me) thought it was a good idea and was on board. We have talked about DS being able to spend time over the summer in this country when he is older (and will have a better grasp on the language and have better self care etc), but 6yo... it's just too young. AIBU?
So as not to drip feed, PIL are generally fine, but they don't live in a country that prioritises health and safety and I know they only use a car seat when we are there because of me. I have no confidence there will be consistent use of car seats without me there. They also don't get the importance of suncream for DS skin. Teeth brushing won't happen consistently. Routine won't happen. Sitting in front of the TV for hours a day will happen becaue there is not so much else to do. Not sure they are particularly good at getting DS's food needs (ARFID). MIL is a little overbearing IMHO and will do what she thinks is right rather than what is right for another person. And so this is not a major drip feed, FIL is currenly recovering from major surgery, has some signs of cognitive decline and suffers from what appears to be undiagnosed PTSD or some other form of mental health condition which leads to distressed and disturbed sleep (shouting out and screaming during the night). PIL have a fractious relationship, with several breakups over the years (lasting for about a week or so - just seems immature but I also don't really know what is going on there), their respective families don't appear to get on, GGPs are still alive, there are countless aunties and uncles but very few children of DS age for him to socialise with. They do reckless and irresponsible things, like buying a rabbit because they think DS will like to play with it when we visit, but then they don't look after it properly so it dies because it gets too cold at night, same with the caged birds and they also bought chickens for him to play with, but I don't think really worry too closely about washing hands and bird poop all over the garden etc. In a nutshell I don't trust them to provide proper care to DS at this age and think he needs to be older to spend this amount of time with them alone not just because of home sickness etc, but so that PIL's caring abilities aren't so much of an issue as he will be able to take better care of himself. But again, AIBU? When families live apart like this is it something I should just suck up? I think the thing that hits the most is that I haven't been asked about this and just expected to go along with it, as though such a significant parenting decision can be determined by one parent unilaterally. I just think MIL is mad for thinking this is a good idea as well - I think she is the one driving and proposing it all as DH raised it as something MIL "wanted" to do. And I can forsee the, "you have a DH problem" comments. I absolutely have a DH problem. I shouldn't have to tell him that my view on this should have been front and centre of any discussions about the actual logistics and timings. But he is not speaking to me because I don't understand or support enough that his family are overseas so I cannot have a sensible conversation with him. Am I the mad one here? Is there another side to this that I need to be more understanding of?

Nope.
My kids stay almost weekly at their grandparents, but still no way would be taking them away for 3 weeks! And missing a week of school for literally no reason?!

Even without all the issues you describe (PiLs not speaking English, inconsistent use of car seat, fractious relationship) it would be too much for your DS without a parent there.

But with the issues added on, it would be neglect for you and your DH to agree to this.

I know several immigrant families whose grandparents look after the children over the summer alone, but they all built up to that (e.g. the parents took the kids to spend summer holidays with the grandparents while they were young and also taught the kids to speak the local language through home efforts boosted by Saturday schools in the UK. Eventually their children were equipped to visit their grandparents on their own because they were already used to the environment, culture and routine and most importantly could communicate effectively in the local language).

If your husband hasn’t even bothered to teach your child to speak his language properly, then he should not compare your family’s situation to that of other immigrant families. He’s cherry picking the cultural aspects that he sees as beneficial to him (3 weeks childcare) but ignoring the foundational basics such as language learning and cultural acclimatisation.

Absolutely not. YANBU

100% no. Get his passport out of the house to someone you trust asap.

This is definitely a DH problem.

Nothing wrong with this at all. He’s an only child so I imagine they just haven’t gotten round to the transition. In many parts of the world primary school age children share beds with their parents without long term harm.

Absolutely no way and I would be destroying his
passport if I had to in order to ensure this didn’t happen.

As the total package stands, it's a no way.

What about an amendmrnt: MiL comes over as scheduled. Spends a week with you while DS finishes school. Then MiL, DS and DH fly together. DH comes home after a week. DS after 2 weeks??

OP, you sound lovely and caring - thinking about developing a relationship for your some tih his far away living grandparents.

But this is way too much and you're absolutely right to push back.

My family live far away. They have a great relationship with my kids, I'm confident would follow our rules, keep in touch frequently and visit so the children know and love them - and still, despite mine being a few years older than yours, I have yet to send them for an extended visit on their own!

Good God no way @TheWheelsFellOffButWeCarriedOn. You or your DH need to go with your DS at the very least .

I only read the first few lines before I thought “Absolutely not”. To take a child away from his parents to stay with grandparents he probably doesn’t know that well, who don’t speak the same language and who have different caring values on top of him being probably 1000s of miles away? At six years old?

Over my dead body.

Firm no. Lose the passport, or get a marker put against it so DC can’t travel out of the country. What happens if he doesn’t come back?

All that extra detail is irrelevant, at the end of the day if you don't want to be without your child that long then it's a hard no. It's disrespectful that this has been planned behind your back.

And to your DH saying you don't support that he has a family afar ... didn't he move away from THEM? So that's the price you pay as an expat. His parents should visit you guys for three weeks, not take a lottle boy from the only home he knows to be bewildered elsewhere.

My SIL is from SE Asia and her family spend extended periods of time over here and I could see them wanting to do something similar.
My SIL wouldn't allow it though until her DC are older though. And certainly wouldn't be taking DC out of school.
Explain to DH that taking DS out of school isn't an option and MIL can just stay with you for that week. He can't object to that surely.
Then tell DH he can go with MIL and they can have the holiday together with DS.
Don't just say no, give him suggestions. That may help.
He probably has some romantic notions about this trip harking back to his childhood. Just outright no will just end up with you at loggerheads. Whereas if you can say look we can meet the need for DS to spend time with your family but in a different way, perhaps he can see sense

You say no, obviously. But I don't think your marriage will survive it. Then it will happen anyway. You are clearly very different people.

I wouldn’t at that age. I’d wait until his teenage years when he feels comfortable with that. He has plenty of time to be doing that. Now’s not the right time with his issues. She may make them worse meaning you have a lot to do when he gets home.

You haven't put a stop to it, don't let anyone gaslight into thinking that! You've simply said no to aomething hugely unreasonable done behind your back, that you and your child are not comfortable with. Nothing stopping dh taking time off yo take him and stay with him, nothing stopping them coming over.

They've created a situation where anything you want is unreasonable and any form of compromise is loudly protested, absolutely awful that your DH is angry with you. He chose to live far from his parents at the end of the day. I live 6 hrs drive from my folks and I still wouldnt want my son going away for three weeks that far let alone 20 hours away!

How offensive.

I assume I am one of those cold detached British grandparents who has my much adored DGD for a whole day a week, plus baby sitting plus see her when we call into each other’s houses several times a week. I bake with her, take her to the park, take her to visit her great grandmother, we go to garden centres and play gyms and places of interest. We visit the cows and the horses in the local fields, and pick leaves and paint pictures.

IMO, this is preferential to shipping your child off to stay in a country where they don’t speak the language, get stuck in front of the TV and roll around on the back seat of a driven car with unbrushed teeth.

But you do you.

Not a hope in hell.

My ex husband was from a different European country and whilst my in laws lived in the UK they did spend a lot of time in their home country. My kids went off with them frequently, they were going skiing from age 3 (😱), and were bilingual. That said, none of this happened without my agreement and I trusted them to care for my children properly.

The OP is difficult to read but I think at 6 he’s not a baby so you need to be thinking about getting him more independent so you can facilitate him exploring his cultural heritage in the future, and your husband should be ensuring he speaks his language.

How are you even considering this?!
You clearly know it's an awful idea, and your husband is a crap father for putting pleasing his parents before the welfare of his young son.
If PIL want to see DS they can make the effort to come you you, or you can all go there, and if they don't like those options then stuff them

Get DS's passport secured (give it to a sibling or friend of yours who can be trusted not to hand it over to DH)

register a request for a ‘Port Alert’ with your local police that your child is likely to be taken abroad without the consent of all of those with parental responsibility. A Port Alert means the police can contact the National Border Targeting Centre to alert all UK points of departure and try to prevent the child from being taken. It is active for 28 days, but best registered closer to 48hrs before the expected attempt. It lasts for 28 days and you'll need a court order to extend it beyond that.

If you feel comfortable that this will be safe and reasonable - come up with a plan for how your DS might gradually over the next few years get comfortable with being away from home. This is a rational order IF all adults involved are reasonably sane and trustworthy. In each case you shouldn't progress to the next step until the previous step has happened with DS being happy and enjoying the experience: each step needs to have at least 8 weeks between such attempts so that DS has stability and normality in between but 6 months would be a more sensible spacing.

1. you and DH out for the evening. Either grandma (if she is visiting) or some other known and trusted adult is in charge of bedtime. You return home after DS is asleep in own bed.
2. a single night away from home. This could be done with grandma staying in an airbnb near you for a few days and DS visiting overnight in the middle (important that he doesn't go on the same day as she arrives there, it needs to feel like he is visiting her not travelling with her)
3. a 3 night stay with her - similar to the above but the Airbnb can be a bit further away (still close enough for you to get there if it all goes wrong) and the 3 night stay allows them to have 2 full days together
4. a solo 5 nights in grandma's home country arranged for immediately before you and DH are visiting so that you will come and join him just as he starts to get homesick
5. THEN once step 4 has happened happily - ideally 2 or 3 times, a longer visit can be considered.

But don't agree to any of this if DH and his mum are trying to over-rule you. If they don't respect the importance of the maternal bond then none of this can happen.

I agree with others, your main issue here, isn't your MIL but your husband. Not only has he agreed to his Mum's completely batty idea, but he's not discussed it with you and he's decided if you want one of you to go with your son to see HIS parents, then it's you that can accompany him!

The fact you don't speak the language, and you're self-employed and can't afford to lose 3 weeks of work, seems to have sailed past your husband. I can only guess, because you're the woman, then child care is your responsibility and because you aren't the main earner, your job isn't important.

Allowing your 6 year old son to travel abroad, without his parents, when he's never spent one night away without you both, is crazy. Your son's grasp of the language, also means there will be a significant language barrier too.

This is something that needs to wait several years. Your son needs to be comfortable away from home without you, sleeping in his own bedroom by himself and have a better grasp of the language, at the absolute bare minimum.

What country is this? I'd be very concerned that they want to steal the child and not bring him back.

Do they do any cultural practices similar to FGM there that you need to be worried about?

I genuinely thought it was a very kind offer from the GP and I would have loved that kind of family support when my children were growing up. My ILs live just 10 minutes away but found seeing GC for 2 hours a week too difficult to maintain.

I am very close to my six year old grandson and he spends lots of time with me (we live 5 minutes from his house). He spends loads of time at my house on his own and we speak the same language. He occasionally stays the night. I wouldn't even take him away for a weekend a couple of hours away as I know he would be anxious. This is madness