MIL wants DS to spend half the summer holiday overseas with her... AIBU?

[TheWheelsFellOffButWeCarriedOn]

Not sure what to do - probably looking for support and a sense check mostly. My husband is from overseas. We have a 6 yo DS. He bed shares and has never spent a night away from us. He has slept in a different room in the same house fewer times than I have fingers on one hand (always with other family members). My MIL, who at this point I think is barking mad btw, mentioned to DH that she would be happy to fly over to pick up DS and take him back to spend time with her and FIL. DS has visited their house a few times over the years but of course never without us, his parents. I knew this was a discussion in the background and had made some passing comments about someone needing to be in the (i.e. DH) if there were any issues, mentioned MIL could of course stay here, questioned about DH also going out for some of the time and assumed this would be part of any plan. Anyway today it was peacefully dropped on me that MIL is planning on picking up DS a week before the summer holiday starts (so he will be off school for a full two months) and to bring him back over three weeks later. I was stunned to be honest. Firstly, the idea that he would be taken out of school for his last week with his friends and with such a long summer holiday anyway just seems unfair and counter productive for DS. Then also the time - more than 3 weeks... he is 6. We have booked a weekend away already during this time, so that is to be moved or cancelled. I said to DH, in my taken aback and processing the wft-ery of it all - that he would need to be able to go out to PILs during this time period at any point in case DS needed him and wanted to come home. To which my DH seemed to think it was a problem that I suggested this was something he should do, and he thought that I should be able to do this (note I am self-employed, equal if not greater bread-winner and will lose money, clients and reputation just ditching things last minute). It then descended into an argument about me not supporting that his family live far away in another country and he never sees them and he made comparisons to people we know who have family overseas in Europe. I don't know if I am being unreasonable here, but flying 2-3 hours to Europe is entirely different to where my ILs live - no direct flights from our nearest city, it requires travelling door to door for c.20 hours and is not a cheap flight. MIL speaks no English. FIL speaks basic English but works and I presume will be out most of the time working so DS will be with someone as his primary carer during this time with a significant language barrier. He understands the language ok-ish but doesn't speak it confidently. I just think this is all about my MIL and nothing about what is right for DS. I don't think he should miss a week of school, I don't think he will cope for over 3 weeks away from us and I think at the very least one of us (i.e. DH) should be there for a significant chunk of the time he is there. I don't get the urgency that it has to be this summer, I don't get why MIL cannot come out to stay with us, I don't like that she has just communicated with DH about this and I have been given a fait accompli, with no one asking me at any point what i think about length of time and taking DS out of school. I think it is self-serving madness from MIL. I don't tend to have an issue with her but we don't have a common language so I don't really know her or have a real sense of what kind of person she is because of those language and cultural nuances which I cannot pick up on. But this has really made me question her a lot because what kind of a grandparent would want to take their DGS out of school for a week, would think it was realistic a 6 yo could be away from their parents for 3 weeks having never even spent a night away from them before, and who would agree all this with their son and not once think to ask if "mum" (i.e. me) thought it was a good idea and was on board. We have talked about DS being able to spend time over the summer in this country when he is older (and will have a better grasp on the language and have better self care etc), but 6yo... it's just too young. AIBU?
So as not to drip feed, PIL are generally fine, but they don't live in a country that prioritises health and safety and I know they only use a car seat when we are there because of me. I have no confidence there will be consistent use of car seats without me there. They also don't get the importance of suncream for DS skin. Teeth brushing won't happen consistently. Routine won't happen. Sitting in front of the TV for hours a day will happen becaue there is not so much else to do. Not sure they are particularly good at getting DS's food needs (ARFID). MIL is a little overbearing IMHO and will do what she thinks is right rather than what is right for another person. And so this is not a major drip feed, FIL is currenly recovering from major surgery, has some signs of cognitive decline and suffers from what appears to be undiagnosed PTSD or some other form of mental health condition which leads to distressed and disturbed sleep (shouting out and screaming during the night). PIL have a fractious relationship, with several breakups over the years (lasting for about a week or so - just seems immature but I also don't really know what is going on there), their respective families don't appear to get on, GGPs are still alive, there are countless aunties and uncles but very few children of DS age for him to socialise with. They do reckless and irresponsible things, like buying a rabbit because they think DS will like to play with it when we visit, but then they don't look after it properly so it dies because it gets too cold at night, same with the caged birds and they also bought chickens for him to play with, but I don't think really worry too closely about washing hands and bird poop all over the garden etc. In a nutshell I don't trust them to provide proper care to DS at this age and think he needs to be older to spend this amount of time with them alone not just because of home sickness etc, but so that PIL's caring abilities aren't so much of an issue as he will be able to take better care of himself. But again, AIBU? When families live apart like this is it something I should just suck up? I think the thing that hits the most is that I haven't been asked about this and just expected to go along with it, as though such a significant parenting decision can be determined by one parent unilaterally. I just think MIL is mad for thinking this is a good idea as well - I think she is the one driving and proposing it all as DH raised it as something MIL "wanted" to do. And I can forsee the, "you have a DH problem" comments. I absolutely have a DH problem. I shouldn't have to tell him that my view on this should have been front and centre of any discussions about the actual logistics and timings. But he is not speaking to me because I don't understand or support enough that his family are overseas so I cannot have a sensible conversation with him. Am I the mad one here? Is there another side to this that I need to be more understanding of?

Hell would freeze before I allowed this. It would be a relationship-ending issue.

Your poor ds, deprived of his school & friends, abandoned by his parents, and left in a strange country, unable to speak the language and without his primary carer, at only 6 years old. All to satisfy the selfish ego of his gm.

Sod that. I'd remove his passport and if necessary , go to court to prevent this.

Absolutely not.

Under no circumstances should your wee boy go with a stranger to a foreign country with no transport for three weeks. What if he had an health issue or accident?
Hide the passport and flag the airports.

Be positive about DH's mother coming to stay for three weeks. Book and pay for her flights.
It will be hugely beneficial for MIL to learn your system and get to know her grandson.
Eating and cooking with MIL will be amazing for DS.

All travel together to visit another time.
Your DH is deceitful in not fully engaging with you. Can he not hear your voice? One NO is enough.

Yes really… I live in London and a lot of my friends /colleagues are from different countries and this happens a lot.
my friend who lives in my home country sends her kids to France every summer for a month to her in laws as well, ever since they were I think 8-9…

a lot of threads on mumsnet are people lamenting the fact they don’t have help from parents with their kids, this is someone volunteering to fly over here, pick up their grandchild and fly back and care for them for 4 weeks which is a huge thing really. Maybe the child is too young right now and it’s up to the parents to decide for sure, but am a bit surprised as well by how nobody can see the other side of this ..

Paragraphs, I did skim a lot due to the wall of text

just to give an opposite view. Maybe your son would enjoy it, you say there is a language barrier but then he has basic understanding. So an opportunity to learn.

It’s probably healthy to actually let your child have some independence.

that being said he is a little young, can you compromise it being for a shorter amount of time? Can you/dh go for say a week & work remotely. MIl having caring duties whilst you work.

seems dislike of MIL clouds fhe judgement. As your som gets older this might be something he will like or dislike.

or can MIL come stay with you for 3 weeks instead. Gives you a little more control

I’m with you on this!

I think it’s a no for this year. Welcome MIL to come visit. The location shouldn’t be more important than the opportunity

he doesn’t need to miss school. That is not right. This alone shows an inability to prioritize the child’s needs and routine.

imagine if something happened! You would
never be able to forgive DH for forcing/ cajoling/ convincing you this a reasonable plan

I’m also concerned about FIL cognitive decline but that seems like a whole other thread. Strangers (even a child) in a house can be very upsetting to those with noticeable cognitive decline. And you can tell him 100x that’s DGS but he won’t remember.

I agree with every single reservation you have about why this is a terrible idea and it sounds like your child's needs haven't been thought about at all. I would be absolutely furious with my husband if he's got to this point and agreed without consulting you at all. It's not about having family in another country, it's what is in the best interests of the child. It's a totally different scenario if a parent was going too and remains the caregiver. Even in that case, it should be something that's talked about together and agreed. I seriously think that this level of disrespect and lack of thinking about you is so major that whatever happens in the future you should both get some marriage counselling so this is addressed or it has the potential to ruin it.
It strikes me that your PIL are treating your child in a similar manner to the pets they have bought previously. He will be used as something that's to entertain them and I fear the lack of insight and caregiving ability seen in the pets, doesn't bode well for his welfare. In the event of an unexpected illness or accident you can't be sure they will make the right decisions or have legal authority to get treatment. Plus if they refuse to return him, would you be able to get him back? I wouldn't trust my husband to be on my side in this situation because he's already shown you who's wishes and opinions he agrees with. It's very much harder having to navigate a different legal system and won't look good to a judge if you have let such a young child go there with people who he's unfamiliar with, if god forbid there is a secret plan for your husband to get your child away from you.

It would be over my dead body before I would agree to anything remotely like this plan!!

You said it yourself, DH is the problem. You say it right at the end though after a long rant about MIL. Why is that?
For a typical 6 year old with good grandparents, it sounds like a great experience. 3 weeks to learn about his dad's culture, develop skills in his second language , form bonds with his family sounds great, so I don't think MIL is mad for suggesting it. Your DH however is aware that your child has dietary needs, doesn't sleep alone and that you have concerns about MILs ability to care for DS, so he is the mad one to agree to these arrangements.

Your son will need a letter allowing him to travel with his grandmother, as immigration officials may want to check there's no child trafficking (especially if passport surnames don't match).

Not sure of the legalities but it may be the case that both parents need to sign this letter. So there may be a chance that what your MIL is planning is not possible anyway, unless you sign.

Can you go stay there too?

Personally it’s a no, but u know a mum who sent her solo kid to China for the summer holidays with her parents, flew her there, came home, got her at the end of the summer. It’s not for me, but it worked there.

Is your DH Filipino? It’s quite usual for grandparents to take care of the grandkids while the parents work overseas to support the wider family.

ETA It would still be a massive Fuck No from me to him being so far away.

I think you need to frame the conversation around your son specifically.

Because in general, it is a very unusual thing for a UK family to do - but it is not that weird for more international families. I am a migrant and live with many others outside of the UK, and Children moving about to spend time with grandparents happens a lot, and it is usually perfectly fine and happy. My son is nearly 6, and if I asked him if he wanted to travel half way around the world to spend time with either set of grandparents for 3 weeks, he would be overjoyed... he loves them, has spent a lot of time with them and they are both great at taking care of him.

So if you phrase it as "this is wrong for children to do" you are going to get pushback of "well, other international families do it..."

Instead, frame it as "this is wrong for my son because of his unique circumstances + needs"

I think you will have a lot better chance of good communication then, because it correctly frames the problem about specific issues around your exact circumstances. Language, Diet, Sleeping etc. Which if your husband is reasonable, he will understand.

I also wouldn't frame it around criticism of his parents, because for him a lot of what you consider risky/bad will be normal. Plenty of what you said rings true for my partner's family as well, and while they logically know it isn't the best way of doing things, it is how they grew up. Their happy childhood memories with their family etc are all like that, so they can't quite accept the criticism of it.

Of course if he is not reasonable, then as others have said, take action to stop it happening.

Hi OP, I’m going to go against the grain here. I also want to preface this by saying that I am in a very similar family situation. I’m from an English speaking, developed western country and my husband is from a far East Asian country where the older generation (PIL) are similar to yours: disregard for health and safety, no concern for routine in parenting or personal hygiene etc. I have been pulling my hair out in situations similar to yours for years. I get it!

That said, our culture and ideas are not by default better and although health and safety and respect to parental authority are obviously nonnegotiable, I do try to refrain from showing judgement or preference between the two cultures of my children because it’s half of their identity and they don’t need to see or hear mammy coming across as not liking it. - not that I’m saying thats what your doing, your response is entirely justified.

I’d veto the plan. DS can’t be missing school, there is a prearranged holiday and he is not at a point in his childhood where separation from parents is an option. However, I would rearrange it, this is a part of your sons identity and heritage, it’s important he experience it for the raw reality of what it is, let it become a part of him, the language, the customs, the ways of life. Work with PIL and DH and find a time over the summer where DH and DS can go together, spend time with DGPs, immerse in his other language and have a throughly wonderful time connecting with that side of his identity.

Of course that’s just what I would do, apologies if I’ve overstepped. Good luck.

I can kind of see both sides.. I know it is quite common to spend a chunk of time in the summer with grandparents in some families, and as someone who has to work throughout and fork out for childcare, it sounds great in theory.
Ive got memories as a kid, not my grandparents but my auntie and uncle who lived in the countryside with lots of excitingly older cousins for us to follow round, me and my brother used to go for a week and really loved it.

You’ve got some misgivings about this for specific reasons. It’s really far away, MIL and FIL seem to have a slightly volatile relationship and FIL has some cognitive/MH difficulties, they seem to have difficulty looking after animals properly, not many other kids around for him. Also I’d agree about not missing last week of school.
I’d say you can understand why MIL has offered and it’s really kind, but due to the specifics of their location and situation this plan will be too much for DS.
Could be great when hes a bit older and more independent though. Might be good to start him with getting more used to his own bedroom/local family or friend sleepovers if available to prepare for something like this when he’s older. Also some ideas for food so he’s not completely thrown if out of his comfort zone with food, not sure how that would work as don’t have much experience with ARFID.

Over my dead body would someone do this to my 6-year-old.

Is the country India? DILs are very low on the family totem pole there, which will be why they didn't consult you. MILs are much higher up.

But if those women are Polish, it's more than likely the children speak Polish at home and can communicate with the GPs. And were they doing it with children as young as 6? And Poland isn't 20 hours away.

You can count on one hand the number of times your six year old son has not slept in your bed? What am I reading?

Perhaps your mil assumed your dh had discussed it with you. Do you speak the same language? And on the family facetime calls, was it ever mentioned?

Your ds seems to be looking forward to it, so your dh has backed you into a corner. You can facetime daily and chat to your ds. However, assume your ds does not and will not have a mobile phone . Your mil will want your ds to be happy, so expect she will let him call you whenever he wants.

I would just say ' no, he cant miss school, it could result in a fine, and its important ds realises school is not to be skipped.

He could go after school ends. He could go for two weeks to start with and you go and pick him up. They might have xousins over, all sorts of fanily events. My dc stayed with their overseas family and soon picked up the language.. Isnt your ds bi lingual or at least can understand?
.
Its not a crazy idea tbh, its your dh who has caused the issue by dropping it on you as of he is the big man. Dont go burning passports and assuming mil might go on the run with ds!

The only issue is one parent does not want their young child traveling overseas to stay with in-laws without parents and the other parent unilaterally arranged it.

That's a problem.

That was really long and I am sorry that I didn't read all of it. But I understood that your MIL and your DH booked for your child to go away without a parent for three weeks without getting your consent. And my answer if this were my own child is: not a chance in hell.

IMO this is divorce territory. You are being treated like a mere babysitter, not like the mother of your child. No.

It’s an absolute hard no. Can’t believe it’s even being considered.

What kind of power do you have in your relationship, sounds like you come way after your husbands mother.

My in laws wanted my kids for a whole week, I’ve got concerns over how they looked after my husband growing up so it was a no from me. My husband backed me up (probably knowing what an arse his Dad would be to our kids). They were upset, they got over it. The children came first.

If they can’t look after a rabbit or any animal or bird then a 6 year old is beyond them

Your husband isnt thinking about your son though is he. He's thinking about his mum.

Literally just say no. End of conversation. No he's not going abroad without us. No he's not missing school. He cannot legally be taken out of the country without your permission. I would tell him I will block it. I will hide or deface his passport and refuse to sign for another. I will ring the airport and inform them he does not have permission to travel. This is not happening.

In our house, the "no"s win. If one parent does not feel comfortable then it doesn't happen.

I would also say no, and I agree with everyone else that it is totally up to you. But I live in Spain with Spanish inlaws and many people here would not find this strange at all. In my 4 year old daughters class many kids go away for 2-3 weeks with their grandparents starting from babies. Your husband should know this isn't normal in the UK though.