MIL wants DS to spend half the summer holiday overseas with her... AIBU?

[TheWheelsFellOffButWeCarriedOn]

Not sure what to do - probably looking for support and a sense check mostly. My husband is from overseas. We have a 6 yo DS. He bed shares and has never spent a night away from us. He has slept in a different room in the same house fewer times than I have fingers on one hand (always with other family members). My MIL, who at this point I think is barking mad btw, mentioned to DH that she would be happy to fly over to pick up DS and take him back to spend time with her and FIL. DS has visited their house a few times over the years but of course never without us, his parents. I knew this was a discussion in the background and had made some passing comments about someone needing to be in the (i.e. DH) if there were any issues, mentioned MIL could of course stay here, questioned about DH also going out for some of the time and assumed this would be part of any plan. Anyway today it was peacefully dropped on me that MIL is planning on picking up DS a week before the summer holiday starts (so he will be off school for a full two months) and to bring him back over three weeks later. I was stunned to be honest. Firstly, the idea that he would be taken out of school for his last week with his friends and with such a long summer holiday anyway just seems unfair and counter productive for DS. Then also the time - more than 3 weeks... he is 6. We have booked a weekend away already during this time, so that is to be moved or cancelled. I said to DH, in my taken aback and processing the wft-ery of it all - that he would need to be able to go out to PILs during this time period at any point in case DS needed him and wanted to come home. To which my DH seemed to think it was a problem that I suggested this was something he should do, and he thought that I should be able to do this (note I am self-employed, equal if not greater bread-winner and will lose money, clients and reputation just ditching things last minute). It then descended into an argument about me not supporting that his family live far away in another country and he never sees them and he made comparisons to people we know who have family overseas in Europe. I don't know if I am being unreasonable here, but flying 2-3 hours to Europe is entirely different to where my ILs live - no direct flights from our nearest city, it requires travelling door to door for c.20 hours and is not a cheap flight. MIL speaks no English. FIL speaks basic English but works and I presume will be out most of the time working so DS will be with someone as his primary carer during this time with a significant language barrier. He understands the language ok-ish but doesn't speak it confidently. I just think this is all about my MIL and nothing about what is right for DS. I don't think he should miss a week of school, I don't think he will cope for over 3 weeks away from us and I think at the very least one of us (i.e. DH) should be there for a significant chunk of the time he is there. I don't get the urgency that it has to be this summer, I don't get why MIL cannot come out to stay with us, I don't like that she has just communicated with DH about this and I have been given a fait accompli, with no one asking me at any point what i think about length of time and taking DS out of school. I think it is self-serving madness from MIL. I don't tend to have an issue with her but we don't have a common language so I don't really know her or have a real sense of what kind of person she is because of those language and cultural nuances which I cannot pick up on. But this has really made me question her a lot because what kind of a grandparent would want to take their DGS out of school for a week, would think it was realistic a 6 yo could be away from their parents for 3 weeks having never even spent a night away from them before, and who would agree all this with their son and not once think to ask if "mum" (i.e. me) thought it was a good idea and was on board. We have talked about DS being able to spend time over the summer in this country when he is older (and will have a better grasp on the language and have better self care etc), but 6yo... it's just too young. AIBU?
So as not to drip feed, PIL are generally fine, but they don't live in a country that prioritises health and safety and I know they only use a car seat when we are there because of me. I have no confidence there will be consistent use of car seats without me there. They also don't get the importance of suncream for DS skin. Teeth brushing won't happen consistently. Routine won't happen. Sitting in front of the TV for hours a day will happen becaue there is not so much else to do. Not sure they are particularly good at getting DS's food needs (ARFID). MIL is a little overbearing IMHO and will do what she thinks is right rather than what is right for another person. And so this is not a major drip feed, FIL is currenly recovering from major surgery, has some signs of cognitive decline and suffers from what appears to be undiagnosed PTSD or some other form of mental health condition which leads to distressed and disturbed sleep (shouting out and screaming during the night). PIL have a fractious relationship, with several breakups over the years (lasting for about a week or so - just seems immature but I also don't really know what is going on there), their respective families don't appear to get on, GGPs are still alive, there are countless aunties and uncles but very few children of DS age for him to socialise with. They do reckless and irresponsible things, like buying a rabbit because they think DS will like to play with it when we visit, but then they don't look after it properly so it dies because it gets too cold at night, same with the caged birds and they also bought chickens for him to play with, but I don't think really worry too closely about washing hands and bird poop all over the garden etc. In a nutshell I don't trust them to provide proper care to DS at this age and think he needs to be older to spend this amount of time with them alone not just because of home sickness etc, but so that PIL's caring abilities aren't so much of an issue as he will be able to take better care of himself. But again, AIBU? When families live apart like this is it something I should just suck up? I think the thing that hits the most is that I haven't been asked about this and just expected to go along with it, as though such a significant parenting decision can be determined by one parent unilaterally. I just think MIL is mad for thinking this is a good idea as well - I think she is the one driving and proposing it all as DH raised it as something MIL "wanted" to do. And I can forsee the, "you have a DH problem" comments. I absolutely have a DH problem. I shouldn't have to tell him that my view on this should have been front and centre of any discussions about the actual logistics and timings. But he is not speaking to me because I don't understand or support enough that his family are overseas so I cannot have a sensible conversation with him. Am I the mad one here? Is there another side to this that I need to be more understanding of?

You sound a very, very anxious parent and your DS also with his sleeping and food issues.

I think if you choose to marry and have children with a man from overseas then you need to let your DCs be exposed to their culture and spend time in the country.

Can your DH not go with him? Can you not go for a week and your DH go for a week? Can MIL not come here for a month so she knows him better? I think a long visit for the summer should be something you build up to and work on together rather than you saying a flat no because you’re an anxious parent.

Everyone on MN will encourage you and tell you to divorce your DH rather than suggesting a workaround or working together as a family to achieve what is entirely reasonable.

And those telling her to divorce her DH? He”ll get shared custody and take the DC to his mum’s anyway!

Normally I would say "Hide the passport" is ridiculous advice, but in this case I really think I would. Do you have a friend or family member who can be trusted to keep it safe without saying anything to anyone or arousing suspicion? You could post it to them in a sealed package and just ask them to keep the package secret and safe for you until you ask for it back. They needn’t even know what’s in it.

Then you need to think very carefully about your marriage and the future. (All this is not to say I agree with a six-year-old not sleeping on his own - it seems crazy to me, but that’s a different issue.)

I wouldn't. Have her come over and then you all take her back for a week.

And, separately, your FIL has symptoms that apply to Lewy Body Dementia which is quite nasty and not terribly common. If he has shaking/ leaning mobility stuff going on then this is more likely.

My DCs have grandparents who live very far away. We have NEVER done anything like what your DH and his mum have come up with. I wouldn’t ever consider it at a young age. If I were you, I wouldn’t keep coming up with reasons—I would just give a firm NO. Not happening.

I'm married into a culture (European) where this is totally normal, and also live in France where, again, this is normal.

I myself go down with my DS to the home country, but I don't work, so have the luxury of being able to do this.

Given that (for the benefit of those who've not read your update) your DS a) knows his GPs very well, b) speaks the language a bit and c) is keen to do this, I would work on facilitating this for next summer. You accompany him for first week, leave him a week, and your husband goes down 3rd week and brings him back.

For this summer, it's a no, especially given you’ve made plans. I would however go there with your DS if you can, for a week or so, or tag team with your DH.

Also, at 6 yrs you should be working on getting him sleeping in his own bed, for his sake. For any emergencies etc, it's important he's able to sleep unaided.

It would be a cold day in hell before my son would go under these conditions. You have the right to say no and you need to use it for your son’s sake. This sounds traumatic for him.

No is a complete sentence on this one … never ever should this happen

No doubt a hard fight but you have to stop this it’s a crazy idea

Literally cannot under state the trauma this would cause your son. He may emotionally take the rest of his life recovering. He may not understand if he’ll ever see you again and be absolutely terrified.

No way would I let my DS go over there in this circumstance. And your DH needs to be a team with you and not make plans behind your back. Also.. poor rabbit. They sound awful.

As others have suggested this is clearly a cultural difference. I come from a culture where sending your kid to the grandparents for three months in the summer would be totally normal. In fact, that's how a lot of grandparents maintain a living relationship with their grandkids. Therefore, to all those suggesting PIL are mad or insane are incorrect. Lots of people around the world do it and it doesn't cause trauma. It is seen as good for the kids, grandparents and the parents themselves.

However, you obviously don't have to do it for you child. You can say no. But if you go in all guns blazing about how terrible MIL for suggesting it or for DH to thinking it's a good idea then you might come across as somewhat culturally insensitive. Just say no, it doesn't work for our child, now or even forever. But it's not a mad idea to begin with.

My lovely MIL lives a similar flight distance away, and grandparent care is very common. Several of DD's cousins have stayed with MIL for extended time periods so that parents could work, from much younger than 6.

I still wouldn't send my 6 yo DD there without a parent. When there are big differences in key areas e.g. car seats, it's a parent's job to be there and manage that, not a child. In your scenario, where you're not confident of basics such as that he will be provided food he can eat, absolutely not.

Say no. Hide your child’s passport - maybe in a friends house.

Going to spend the summer with grandparents overseas is completely normal in my culture. The children are immersed in the language for that period and learn more deeply about their other culture, which is important if you live in a different country. Also get to spend time with grandparents. So to me it isn't objectively the batshit idea many are saying it is. Across Africa, Asia, South America and some parts of Europe it's incredibly common.

Whether it's subjectively right for your child is a different question and one to be worked through with your husband, as raising children across cultures requires both parents to be cognisant of each others practices and the benefit to the child of being exposed to both.

It’s a simple hard ‘no chance’. Your husband sounds like a problem, it should be a discussion where your views are of equal worth. I get he’s pissed that his family is far away but either he or them choose to be that distance away. With AIFRD your son could really struggle with someone who doesn’t understand his needs & the communication is an issue. If your son was a teenager then fine but he isn’t. As for missing school, it doesn’t really matter it’s a week where not much learning will happen but you could receive a heavy fine.

This is a HELL NO discussion. Your husband needs to get some perspective and grow a backbone. There’s no way your mother in law should be ruling the roost here (I’m in a similar boat and I empathise wholeheartedly).

Could MIL not come over if she’s so desperate to see DS?

If this visit is to happen when your DS is older, your husband needs to make sure that he spends significant time making sure that your DS can speak the language fluently by the time he is old enough to visit on his own.

The fact that your DH expected that (a) you would be OK with taking your DS out of school and (b) that you should be the one to take time off work even though you earn more than him and you would lose business and clients if you did this, rings massive alarm bells. His response to your concerns was unfair and controlling. Is his home country quite patriarchal and sexist? It sounds like he is displaying his true colours for the first time.

Your husband has lost his marbles.

I’d have his passport hidden asap!

This
just say no!!!!!!!
this all sounds ridiculous
and hide his passport now!!!!!!! There could be more to this than meets the eye - that’s a huge amount of time to be away! Big red flag. Is your husband then thinking of joining them and not coming back??? I’ve heard of cases like this before - it might sound extreme but possible.

I feel like I’m the only one who picked up on this instead of what the thread was actually about.. 6 years old and still in bed with mummy and daddy 🙄🙄

At 6 years old I would not allow my child to leave the country without me with them. Super simple. I would never ever ever allow and would rather divorce / seek a court order to stop it than allow it. A week or two even your child was 10 might make sense - but a six year old for over a month is insane.

Paragraphs!!

I read the thread title and was coming on to say a boy from my school did this every summer holidays with his Italian grandparents. He loved it and was obviously fluent in Italian, giving him a bonus gcse.

then I read the thread and thought everyone is unreasonable here except you! Firm no.

It sounds like an awful plan. Hide his passport somewhere only you know where it is. And say no! Is an alternative to meet your mil somewhere halfway during the summer hols and have a proper holiday?