Four-year-old with low confidence, rigid thinking and destructive behaviour at home

[Lydia07]

I have 2 boys, a 4yo and a 2yo. The 4yo has always struggled with low confidence despite us constantly telling him he is brave and strong, he can do hard things. He doesn’t seem to be able to tolerate failure.

There’s a few ways in which this presents:

1. he flat out refuses to try new foods - he’s always been a picky eater.
2. he destroys things when upset - on Friday he broke my heart when he pulled all the flower heads off my chives and pulled the strawberries out of the ground because he wanted to water the garden and I told him I’d already done it
3. he refuses to take part in adult led activities, especially in sport (I’m terrified of him starting school this year), so we can’t take him to swimming or football classes (even though he loves both)
4. he refuses to say sorry, ever
5. he loves Lego but needs instructions to do anything. He won’t even try to use his imagination to build something
6. same kind of thing, he never draws. He just says he doesn’t know what to draw, he can’t do it. He loves colouring in, but won’t draw anything from his imagination, even getting him to copy something I’ve drawn is a challenge
7. he flat out refuses to get himself dressed in the mornings and never ever puts on his own shoes
8. he has very black and white thinking, lots of catastrophising, ‘I can’t do it, I’ll never be able to and I’m never going to try ever again’

We try to gentle parent in our household. We name feelings, validate, wait for him to calm down and explain why a behaviour was a bad choice and what we can all do differently next time. We try to teach deep breathing and other coping techniques but he refuses to engage with any of it. Instead he just doubles down. He says he will do it again, that he’s not sorry. I can feel the anger bubbling up inside me then, I can feel my 2yo watching all of this (who already is a hitter) and I want to scream! I don’t. I stay calm, I offer him space or cuddles (he chooses cuddles) and I try again to talk with him about it later.

But nothing ever changes. I should say, my 2yo has a speech delay and gets frustrated easily (hence the hitting which we’re working on). When this happens my 4yo doesn’t rise to it. He doesn’t hit back, he just comes and tells me. My 4yo is also in preschool with a kid exhibiting VERY challenging behaviour which my son internalises. He doesn’t tell the teacher, he just quietly absorbs all the hurt and then it comes out at home.

My hope is that once we’re away from that preschool it will improve but deep down I know that the picky eating, the low confidence, the refusal to engage with self-regulation practices, that’s been with us his whole life. I want to have him assessed but my husband thinks he’s just being a normal 4yo.

I don’t know what to do. I try to hold firm
boundaries but when it comes to him destroying things I’m a bit lost for what the consequences should be. It feels like there should be one but I don’t know what.

Sorry for the long post but there’s so much more, I just feel so desperate.

You need to be firm and fast shutting down something you can see he is planning to do which is wrong, especially to other children and adults. Teachers are not parents, plus they have lots of other children to consider, and they do not have the time to gently correct behaviour. There must always be consequences of some kind for incorrect actions.

Many of the things on your list don't sound unusual for a 4 year old. My son never coloured or drew anything until he was 5. (And his first drawings were good drawings for a 5 year old, it didn't seem to have hindered him not to have started earlier). He also refused to put his shoes on until his 5th birthday. From that day on he was happy to do them 🤷‍♀️.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that children change constantly and things that seem to be a big deal now won't always be. That's not to say that your son doesn't need help with confidence or in other areas, but just that I think many parents of 4 years olds will relate to many of the things you've written.

Thanks.

Doctors have said that they feel that the high and quick diagnosis of ADHD etc is because of money.
When I say quick, I mean people quick to decide that is the underpinning issue with a child, teenager etc.

This is excellent advice, he’s 4 and trying to figure things out. You don’t build confidence by telling kids they’re brave, smart whatever, you build confidence by letting them try, valuing their efforts without a need to get it right and by helping them when things go wrong. Asking a child to do something they aren’t ready for will undermine them because they have no chance of getting it right. They need scaffolding, acceptance and reassurance. Not breathing exercises and overly long naming and validation of feelings. “You sound really angry about that, let’s go and do x” is much more effective for 4 year olds.

It can be used as an excuse for bad behavior . I say this as a parent of an adult (43) who has autism . He lives at home and has a lot of difficulties but has never been badly behaved . His life is very difficult .

Everyone is right, in a way. I have 3 DC with ASD. It has been helpful to know that they have ASD, but there is no post diagnostic support from the NHS. The services are literally diagnostic services. So whether there is an ASD diagnosis or not, the parenting techniques have to be applied and tried to work out what works.

ASD can be used as an excuse by some parents, but more often it is offered as an explanation of why things look different in terms of behaviour or parenting style.

The important thing is to find what works. For some children that's going to be mystery and intrigue - that's the whole premise of the 'Attention Autism' programme - the teacher has some really cool, exciting and mysterious things in their bucket and the only way you can find out what they are is to pay attention. That can be used in day to day life. Don't give all the information.

Some children are really precocious with their vocabulary and language skills, but it hides their difficulties with processing and comprehension. Stripping instructions back to key words can be really helpful. So "Henry, shoes on" can be much more effective than "Ooh we'll go to the park in a few minutes, so you'll need to go and find your shoes and put them on, please."

Transitions can be stressful for young children. They don't have the foresight to know what is coming in the next hour. So 'now' and 'next' are helpful markers. 'Now we're going to the shops. Next, we're going to Nanny's'. If you need to finish an activity soon, give a warning. "5 minutes then we fed to go." "3 minutes left." "Ok, 3, 2, 1.... Let's go." Then you go.