Four-year-old with low confidence, rigid thinking and destructive behaviour at home

[Lydia07]

I have 2 boys, a 4yo and a 2yo. The 4yo has always struggled with low confidence despite us constantly telling him he is brave and strong, he can do hard things. He doesn’t seem to be able to tolerate failure.

There’s a few ways in which this presents:

1. he flat out refuses to try new foods - he’s always been a picky eater.
2. he destroys things when upset - on Friday he broke my heart when he pulled all the flower heads off my chives and pulled the strawberries out of the ground because he wanted to water the garden and I told him I’d already done it
3. he refuses to take part in adult led activities, especially in sport (I’m terrified of him starting school this year), so we can’t take him to swimming or football classes (even though he loves both)
4. he refuses to say sorry, ever
5. he loves Lego but needs instructions to do anything. He won’t even try to use his imagination to build something
6. same kind of thing, he never draws. He just says he doesn’t know what to draw, he can’t do it. He loves colouring in, but won’t draw anything from his imagination, even getting him to copy something I’ve drawn is a challenge
7. he flat out refuses to get himself dressed in the mornings and never ever puts on his own shoes
8. he has very black and white thinking, lots of catastrophising, ‘I can’t do it, I’ll never be able to and I’m never going to try ever again’

We try to gentle parent in our household. We name feelings, validate, wait for him to calm down and explain why a behaviour was a bad choice and what we can all do differently next time. We try to teach deep breathing and other coping techniques but he refuses to engage with any of it. Instead he just doubles down. He says he will do it again, that he’s not sorry. I can feel the anger bubbling up inside me then, I can feel my 2yo watching all of this (who already is a hitter) and I want to scream! I don’t. I stay calm, I offer him space or cuddles (he chooses cuddles) and I try again to talk with him about it later.

But nothing ever changes. I should say, my 2yo has a speech delay and gets frustrated easily (hence the hitting which we’re working on). When this happens my 4yo doesn’t rise to it. He doesn’t hit back, he just comes and tells me. My 4yo is also in preschool with a kid exhibiting VERY challenging behaviour which my son internalises. He doesn’t tell the teacher, he just quietly absorbs all the hurt and then it comes out at home.

My hope is that once we’re away from that preschool it will improve but deep down I know that the picky eating, the low confidence, the refusal to engage with self-regulation practices, that’s been with us his whole life. I want to have him assessed but my husband thinks he’s just being a normal 4yo.

I don’t know what to do. I try to hold firm
boundaries but when it comes to him destroying things I’m a bit lost for what the consequences should be. It feels like there should be one but I don’t know what.

Sorry for the long post but there’s so much more, I just feel so desperate.

You're placing a lot of big emotions on a very small boy.

Picky eating - does he eat enough? Are the foods he will eat healthy enough? If so, let him crack on and just put a new food next to what he will eat, or in a bowl beside his plate.

He doesn't like adult led activities...ok. He's four. Just let him have a kick around or take him to a family swim session. He doesn't have to have lessons.

Drawing - he doesn't like it. Perhaps he's a bit of a perfectionist and likes the security of having a picture to colour. He can still experiment with different colours. His fine motor skills will still be improving.

Getting dressed - have you asked him why? Have you suggested that he just does one thing? Does he get undressed at night? For DD3 it was seams.

Gentle parenting is masses of pressure, I think. What's wrong with a quick 'Henry, we don't pull flower heads. Come inside.'?

He may have some autistic traits, but I also think your expectations of him are way beyond his maturity levels and the fact that you're referring to anything being 'for his whole life' at the age of four is baffling.

You sound desperate, sorry you’re going through a hard time. You can have him assessed but in the meantime (and it’s a long wait) and afterwards you still need to parent the child you have. Personally I found this summer of them being 4 before starting school really difficult. I think they know change is coming and they need the structure of school but don’t understand it yet. Added to that he has a younger sibling AND a difficult friendship at preschool. Sounds like he has a lot going on and not much respite from any of it.

The most pressing thing is him saying he’s not sorry and that he’ll do it again, because that’s what’s making you angriest, it sounds like. And sensing that reaction from you is interesting to him and maybe a bit scary for him too, he sees the power he has in that moment. “I won’t let you do that again”, said calmly and casually, can be a helpful phrase for to say here because it sounds like he is actually scared of himself, and of failing and not being how he wants to be, with the low confidence thing. He probably can see his behaviour is upsetting you and that scares him. But “I can’t let you damage the plants in the garden, so we’ll only be near the garden plants together if you’re feeling angry” - that’s being firm, but not scary, and it’s reassuring for him that the situation is now under control. (And then you can physically stop him if he does try to damage them again in a tantrum, just by carrying him inside somewhere safe and staying with him)

It’s ok for him to be a picky eater and to prefer colouring to drawing and to not bother wanting to get himself dressed - that’s all totally within normal 4 year old stuff!

There are so many other little points in your post but what stands out to me isn’t his lack of confidence so much as YOUR lack of confidence as his parent. To me, he does sound within the range of typical. You could absolutely get him an assessment though if you’re worried. But all four year olds are crazy and unreasonable most of the time - they’re not small adults. You’re a reasonable adult though and you’re absolutely capable of parenting him.

I appreciate the point you’re making. Maybe I am putting too much importance on his actions, but in the moment they feel very triggering and I want to be careful with how I deal with it so it’s not too that they evolved into something more difficult to manage.

When I referred to ‘his whole life’, I was mainly making the point that this wasn’t a recent change in him, he has struggled since he was born.

In terms of adult led activities, at the moment we put no pressure on him at home at preschool, he doesn’t have to do it if he doesn’t want to. But that will change when he gets to school, he will have to engage with those activities, hence my worry there.

Finally, you said gentle parenting is masses of pressure. I’m not sure whether you meant pressure on me or on him. I know there is a lot of debate about what gentle parenting is. So to be clear, the way I see gentle parenting is firm boundaries, clearly communicated, respectfully held.

School is completely different from adult-led clubs. It’s quite like nursery in Reception. Try to look forward to it with confidence rather than terror because he’ll follow your emotional lead on it.

Thank you. I really am trying my best. I have my mother and MIL in my ear all the time telling me I need to ‘nip this in the bud’ and that they are ‘concerned he is going to get more ‘violent’’. Ironically, my reaction is to tell them that he’s four and they can’t expect so much of him. With the flowers, I recognise my part in it. I should have spotted his distress and dealt with it before it escalated. He’s so mature sometimes that I think I forget that he is only four. Sometimes when I try to co-regulate he feels himself feeling better but instead of allowing it to happen, he pushes back against it. Fingers crossed this is just a phase to push through.

Are there any consequences to his behaviour?

It depends what the behaviour is but often we reach an impasse. If he won’t put on his shoes he goes into the car without shoes and then I put them on when we reach our destination. If he throws toys, the toy goes away and I take him away from the room and stay with him till he calms and then I reassert that wasn’t good, and what we can do differently next time. I only take other things away (snack of choice for example) if I’ve told him ahead of time that is going to be the consequence, otherwise it seems too far removed from the action.

I would love some ideas of consequences, it’s something I do think we struggle with.

It’s clear you’re trying your best. You’re a great mum! Btw you can “gentle daughter” your MIL and mum too… 😉

Honestly, most of this (possibly all of it) sounds like a phase. He’s really tiny still. He’s not violent or delinquent, he’s four and has a younger sibling and a tricky time at nursery and is about to start school which is a big change in his life. You used the word “triggering” for his behaviour - kindly, you’re a grown up and you’re capable of not being triggered by a four year old’s behaviour.

5&6 were my four year old until quite recently- she’s 5 in September so perhaps a bit older than yours. All of a sudden she likes drawing and creating with Lego. She is a huge perfectionist and also lacks confidence.
We have to wait until she’s ready to do anything- my two year old is incredibly exuberant and ready to give anything a try. Polar opposites and a job not to compare.
My four year old has recently also started refusing her dance classes that she loved until the past couple of weeks- she’s admitted it’s because she doesn’t have friend there. She also one of only two four year olds there- the rest of the children are up to six years old and probably feel much older than her. She is becoming more self aware as she gets older.
I’m just explaining this so you know you are not alone. I think my daughter’s behaviour is in the range of normal development, it’s just her character.

At this age maybe a little younger ds had a marble jar, he got marbles for good behaviour, some were set tasks like making his bed in the morning, getting dressed for school, sitting nicely while I brushed his teeth, putting his toys away before dinner, he would get bonus marbles for things like trying something new, equally he could lose marbles for refusing things like getting dressed, bouncing on the sofa etc, we were always very clear with a warning and stating if the behaviour continued he would lose a marble. Once the jar is full he gets a small surprise, his are left in room over night by 'fairies' and have ranged from a new book, a small toy, a bee preserver, some stickers anything he'd shown an interest in. It worked well, better than a sticker chart as he liked the tangible action of taking a marble from the bag and putting it in the jar. He's 7 now and under assessment for ADHD, we were out recently and my mum had crab for lunch he said mummy I want to try that but I'm a bit scared (my mum had offered) , will I get a marble for being brave? It sometimes gives him the push of confidence to try things he's apprehensive about. It's also made some of the behaviours second nature getting dressed, taking his plate to the dishwasher, making his bed. The things he gets marbles for have evolved over time as he's grown

It sounds like you are managing well in a difficult situation, it’s really hard for you and him.

I wouldn’t go for any assessments until he’s settled in to school. School will be able to help you to unpick what’s happening and even if they don’t see many behaviours in school they can help in thinking about parts of the day he may need breaks etc.

I’ve been there, still there, DS is 9 now. I’d say at age 4/5 there’s very little pause between them feeling any sort of emotion and a physical outburst. I found it helpful to be one step ahead (not always possible I know), things like - plan the day, have a visual time table. Build in things that are important to him. Little bit of reflection with him after outbursts, such as with the flowers ‘I notice you were quite upset you hadn’t been able to water the garden, shall we add that in as an activity we do together’.. he will realise you are focusing no on the thing that was important to him and not just the outburst.

in my experience the outburst causes a lot of sham so too much focus on the consequence of having a meltdown increases their distress. Natural consequences like you are doing work best. Keep the consequences for the intentional negative behaviours (e.g. DS took my phone to extend his Roblox time - consequence is no Roblox for a day).

This is a great idea, I’m going to try this for my 3yo. We also struggle with consequences 🙏

The choice of activities isn’t really an issue - and reception is a very different thing to those classes. It’s often child led, adult supported, lots of playing to their interests and building learning around it. And positive peer pressure of others doing what they need to do makes everyone step up

what stood out was the level of plant destruction - how was he allowed? I get the definition you’ve given of gentle parenting but surely a firm boundary can be don’t destroy in anger, and hold it by physically (gently) removing him from arms reach.

also explore reading on tantrums as anxiety; this has helped a lot with understanding mine - natural big feelings but if you try and deal with it in the moment (other than stopping any destructive or violent behaviour) it’s almost impossible to get out of

Giving a child a cuddle when they refuse to apologise is not helpful at all. That's not setting a clear boundary and shows there's no consequences to poor behaviour, you'll get a hug from mummy anyway! If you're really angry about his behaviour you can't just ignore that - I do think a 4 year old should know how you feel from what he's done.

A mum friend, when our DSs were 4, was so woefully inadequate at dealing with her DS being violent, she'd put a sing songy voice on saying "we don't do that darling". It was far too subtle for the boy to work out that he'd actually done something wrong! I would be clearer that the behaviour is not acceptable and walk away rather than give a cuddle - the way you talk and what you do speaks volumes.

He's 4. I think you're expecting too much. My ds at 4 was an emotional disaster. Like a woman at the end of a hen do. Wanting to do something, running off without asking, being told off, huge meltdown etc. Between 4-5 he matured massively.

Lego+colouring. I have one child who refuses to use instructions and one that only uses instructions. I have one who loves colouring books and one who refuses anything but drawing their own messy characters. Each to their own. Both are very imaginative in their own different ways.

You might need to adapt your parenting a little. Gentle time ins and explanations worked beautifully with my dc1. Very compliant, would sit nicely and we would talk through behavior etc. Dc2 just a whirlwind. Couldn't even get a word in edgeways to explain the behavior. Constantly running off etc. We had to adapt and be a big more shouty tbh. It was either that or him running and jumping in canals. We did have some medical issues (glue ear, sleep apnea) with dc2 that also helped the behavior once sorted so it's worth a gp check.

A lot of this sounds like his age, he’s still so little! My 5.5 year old doesn’t do half of the list!
especially getting dressed.
starting drawing simple things like stick people and rainbows when they started school.

in regards to adult-led activities, can you do the class where parents join in. That’s what I did with one of my children. Until they felt confident enough with the teachers to try the independent class?

What do pre-school say about him? Does he sit for carpet time when they do it?

Similar to another poster, Easter until Sept last year were horrendous for my DC in terms of behaviour. I think it was because they were feeling anxious about school, but couldn’t name or understand the feeling…

This is it. Positive rewards rather than sanctions if possible.

Consequences need to fit the behaviour - throwing toys = not playing with that toy/ favourite toy for a short period. Snack is not connected (most of us do it - but it’s generally agreed that using food as a punishment isn’t a good idea. I use ice lollies as a reward as they are her favourite!)

I absolutely agree. A lot of my parenting journey to date has involved having to ‘re-parent’ myself because I certainly wasn’t taught self regulation skills growing up

Stop reading about autism and if your gentle parenting approach isn’t working for you both and is artificial (by which I mean not your natural way of interacting) then why are you doing it? A four year old pulling all your flowers up because he couldn’t water them is very very naughty behaviour. While you can buy more plants or wait for them to bounce back you have to see it for what it is. He did the baddest thing he could think of. As he ages the baddest thing will become more problematic.
I would focus on “help me to do it for myself” and start actively teaching independence rather than focusing on obedience. Can he reach his shoes himself? Does he know which pair us for which activity? If he hasn’t put his shoes on then don’t leave the house. Consequences should be built into the situation.

I would look into how autistic children present at a young age. Best to your family

such good advice

There could be some needs there but this all sounds normal for this age. Your response and gentle parenting is what isn’t helping. What he did with the plants was really naughty - what was his punishment?
he doesn’t get dressed so don’t take him to the park as he needs a natural consequence.
there sounds like there’s a lot of you don’t need to do something if you don’t want to with him and so he doesn’t. You need to help him see the benefit of doing things e.g. you don’t get x if you don’t do y.
As a teacher I see a lot of children who find it a shock when they’re expected to do things!

I’d also have consequences for the two year old hitting like sitting out, favourite toy goes away, no park etc

I have a 5 year old and something i’m learning to do is allow them to be who they are, instead of the child i’m trying to force them to be.

I want to specifically call out your drawing concerns. Some kids just don’t like drawing. I’m 38 and still don’t like drawing. Go easy on him and let it go.

The behaviour and not apologising does need challenging though.

I have a little one who is very similar, and heavy work has been brilliant for helping her regulate her emotions and get that dopamine boost she needs. For her, this looks like pulling a heavy wagon across the floor, playing hide‑and‑seek with dumbbells (she hides them), doing pull‑ups on a gymnastics frame or jumping off the sofa onto a crash at. It’s very heavy heavy-work that really helps.

We had a few PT sessions with a cross fit trainer and this really helped develop our ideas on how we could help