How do I handle my daughter's aggressive younger cousin?

[Dinosauru]

My daughter has just turned 3, she's a pleasant girl but does have tantrums as you would expect. She has a cousin 3 months younger who is a nightmare. She isn't good at sharing her toys and he deliberately takes her toys and laughs in her face. If she wants a toy he has, she'll cry about it but if he wants a toy she has, he will hit her, kick, bite and push her over. Even if there's no toy involved he won't play or even walk nicely with her, he will push and pull her, hit her and finds it funny.

He has always been well ahead of her in his development in talking, walking etc and he's 3 kilos heavier. So he's physically much stronger and has hurt my daughter a number of times. It's really unpleasant to witness and I don't think my daughter likes him. She doesn't really have enough language to tell me how she feels. I don't really want her to spend time around him because I don't want her to get hurt or pick up bad behaviour.

It's totally uncomfortable whenever we see him because he is constantly being told off for his bad behaviour and everyone praises my daughter for being a comparable angel. She can be very hard work sometimes but she's lovely compared to her cousin.

What on earth do I do? I don’t want to be rude to my partners family but I find it so stressful to be around him because he will hurt my daughter or me. Should I speak to his Mum about it? I don’t want to upset her.

Just avoid them, children don’t understand sharing at 3.

Absolutely not! I have a boy and he doesn't shove people over to get toys because we actually parent him and wouldn't allow this. They sound weak and pathetic.
Keep your daughter away from him.

Yes my daughter is friends with a number of boys and none of them behave like this. She asks about my friends boys and if they are like him and it's quite awkward when I say no. I don't think he mixes with other children very much.

Thank you again for this help. I'm not sure if it is his personality or specifically he is bullying my daughter because of jealousy. My partners family all live very near each other and we are 2 hours away, so everyone makes a big fuss of her because they don't see her very often. I can understand that he will be upset by not being the centre of attention when she is around (this was my initial assumption). However I believe he's badly behaved all the time, even when she isn't around. I am going to talk to my partner about it more and we'll set up a more rigorous plan for the next time we see them.

He's behaving like a thug, not like a normal little boy. None of my six grandsons ever behave(d) like that. He needs to be taught manners.

Calling a 3 year old a psychopath is disgusting.

What do you do when your DD is playing with your nephew?

I basically spend the whole time pulling him off her or keeping them apart. I do speak to him about how he behaves but I'm not confident he understands.

If your daughter is getting hurt by him, withdraw, OP. If people ask you why, point it out. You're your daughter's first protector, so you have to do this job.

You are not over reacting at all OP, but you aren’t being pro-active either.

You must hover over him so closely so that you can not only step in to prevent him hurting her but to guide him as well, using a new found authority that your daughter deserves from her parents. If his parents don’t help him to interact nicely, then you should feel free to assert your own authority in an attempt to guide him and discipline him if he is near to your own child.
Otherwise, he is just running wild.
That's not fair on either child.

If you have no choice but to see this little boy socially, then act sternly like you would expect any teacher or guide to do if this early bullying were happening in a child care setting.

His parents should be thanking you for doing it, not criticising you. It’s part of normal parenting.

You need to keep him away from DD. See them as seldom as possible and when you do, don’t let them be together without you there.

Thank you, his parents have always been on my daughter's side when there's an issue. We are all first time parents but his Mum’s overwhelmed and I think would appreciate more of the right kind of support. My daughter's cousin does have lots of good points, he's very clever, particularly with mechanics and I've noticed he picks up new skills very quickly.

And you are right I need to be more proactive in providing an example when it comes to discipline. But my first priority will be my daughter, I think there was a bit of an unrealistic expectation that they would grow up together and be best friends but it's not going to happen in the near future.

As I did say earlier, my daughter's very pleasant but she does have her moments and I generally feel awful about it. I can’t really imagine how my partners sister feels.

My nephew was like this. I'm afraid it got worse and worse and by age 7, no one wanted to be in a room with him. People would genuinely be gutted when they heard my cousin (and his son) would be coming to a family ocasion. Said child was, quite late, diagnosed with ADHD. He is an adult now and he's perfectly fine.

All you can do is avoid them. Don't give a fuck what your DH says.

I don't think teaching your DD that some boys are awful to her is ok either (which she is learning by keep seeing this boy, regardless of what you say/his parents telling him off).

Thank you, my partner is just as worried about it as me and we're on the same page. It's quite hard to accept that a child so young could have behavioural problems but we're going to start looking into support for his Mum.

Id be helicoptering tbh. We had similar issue with a kid and my son, and every time that kid made a bee line for my son swinging I would scoop the kid up and deposit it back at its mum. My partner and my dad were more militant and would just scream HEY! in their faces - then when the parents appear explain why their child is crying.

What are his parents doing about it? What about the other adults present - all of them should be reprimanding him, though like all get on the same page about how to do it etc.

Sadly it took my so full on smacking him square in the face to make him wtfu.