Returning to full-time work and struggling with nursery mum guilt

[Rainydew]

Sadly I have to go back to work FT ( can’t go back PT. Would need to change jobs) which means my x2 DCs (3 and 13m) will need to go to nursery Mon to Fri. The mum guilt is high and I al struggling to cope. I keep crying about it and my MH is taking a hit. Wish I was determined to be a SAHM but I can’t see myself depending on DH financially - I have always worked and so has my mum so I just can’t bring myself to do it. Trying my best to find PT roles but not getting anywhere

Op I work every weekend and three days a week and have no financial stability. What you’re doing is a great thing and you’ll have proper time at the weekends. Use your holiday days wisely and you’ll get the special days that will do the job. My children thrived in nursery, in the right one it’s fun for them and then they see their family after x

Do! Because I often feel posters on here feel ‘mum guilt’ because they think they’re supposed to, or as though it’s inevitable, like delivering the placenta. In reality, feeling it does absolutely nobody any good, certainly not you or your children, and your DH is doing exactly what you’re doing, being a parent while working FT, without the slightest twinge of guilt. It’s just gendered socialisation. You can opt out. No one benefits from it. Think of it as a bad habit to train yourself out of, like nail biting.

@SlightlyAjar you sound just like my DH 😁 he sees it as you see it. As it happens, I also bite my nails. Need to do something about my thinking patterns (anxiety?) it seems!

Well, listen to us both! (I have a teenager who bites his toenails…🙄😀)

I am ultimately doing this for my financial independence, skillset and pension

All of which are a key part of your future well being - not fripperies at all. As others say, you will settle, the DC will settle and your DC will see a mother who is able to hold down a job and act independently. Nothing wrong with reviewing your options in six-twelve months to consider if better or more flexible jobs are available but for now, just push onward. It gets better.

If money isn’t tight, use some of it to outsource housework so that your non working time isn’t lost to chores but can be focused on actually enjoying life.

Forget about what the others are doing
In a few years time many of them will be looking for FT work and will struggle to get it. Or have massive pension shortfalls or outdated skills.
You meanwhile will have done the hard work. And will have a happy and settled child at school
I bet your partner isn’t feeling this way. It’s disgusting how society has conditioned women to feel like this.

I don't think it's disgusting/shameful to feel guilty about leaving your child. Sometimes that guilt comes from loving them so much that the thought of spending less time with them is genuinely painful.
Not everyone unconditionally loves their job. Before I became a mother, I thought I would be a career woman and a super mum. I admited high-powered CEO-women who had it all. But once my child was born, my priorities completely changed. I couldn't care less about my job and simply wanted to be with my child.
That doesn't mean I've been influenced by society, social media, or parenting forums. I just love being a mother and spending time with my child.
Some people find fulfilment in their careers and can't wait to get back to work. Others, like me, find motherhood fulfilling enough on its own and would happily stay home longer if they could. Both are valid choices.
There's no need to judge either side. Different people are fulfilled by different things.

Are you happy with the nursery and the quality of care they will provide?

Has your husband enquired to see if he can go part time so that the children don't need to be in nursery quite so much? A relative who could pick them up early on some days or have them a day a week?

I worked in a nursery and chose not to send my son until he was 2 years old and only for 15 hours, he's 3 now and just does 3 full days. It's worth it as good prep for school and to get used to being away from parents, I just wouldn't have wanted him there too much.

You wouldn’t use the “motherhood” line if you hadn’t been influenced by societal norms………..

I was going to say it’s shit but you have no choice, but it sounds like you do have a choice.

I would say, go back to work and see how it goes.

I went back to work when DD was 12 months old. Her older brother had been fine at nursery, whereas DD really was not. We had a horrific 6 months before we threw in the towel and I gave up work to be a SAHM. I still feel a bit of guilt for leaving a sobbing child daily for so long. Unfortunately while DS was fine after a few minutes, DD never was. At the end of the day she couldn’t get out fast enough.

For what it’s worth, I’m now coming up to retirement and I don’t regret those years out at all. They were actually the best years of my life. Money was very tight, but it was worth it.

Is your DH willing to go part time so that your child doesn't have to be in nursery 5 days a week? Is there any way you can do compressed hours, or 10 days in 9 (assume you'd have to pay for a full time place anyway, but it might be worth it to you for the added time with your child)?

Fwiw, I think you're making a sensible decision. I'm still at home with my toddler, but not through choice (made redundant). The job market is super tough at the moment, so if you've got a decent paying, WFH job I wouldn't quit until I had something else lined up. Your kids will be fine in nursery and the older one will probably have a great time.

A few people are mentioning the husband going part time, but as has been said he has no issue with guilt he’s comfortable with the situation, why should he make his financial situation more vulnerable for something he doesn’t deem necessary? I’d understand if he was the one saying he felt uncomfortable with the child being in full time.

No one ever tells a man he should be a stay at home parent and won’t ever get that time back.

The vast majority of children don’t miss their children while at nursery or school.

Do what’s right for you - I went back to work full
time (my choice) and never regretted it for a second. I have amazing kids and all my free time is for them - it also allows for cleaners, holidays etc