How to tell my mum breastfeeding my toddler is not her decision

[Runnermumof2]

Best way to express my response.
Hoping the mum's can help me out. My mum wants me to stop breastfeeding my 20month old. I have zero issues breastfeeding and happy to continue. He has dairy allergy so can't have cows milk and doesn't like soya milk, so at least I also know he is getting added nutrients this way.
She thinks it's stripping me of my nutrition and is making me too thin .
I am naturally a skinny person and currently about 5kgs under my pre pregnancy weight. Bmi of 21 (which is in the healthy category) She is overweight and has struggled with her weight her entire life, I'm not sure if that's relevant at all. My dad is tall and skinny like me.
She's going to call me to discuss it and I just wondered what your opinions on the best way to phrase it would be ? Basically- 'mind your own business, nothing to do with you, back off' But in a kind manner that doesn't make her upset.

Could also discuss the health benefits for you and your toddler instead.
the longer your breast feed the further reduced risks of certain cancers for you, and the benefits of reducing obesity, heart disease etc for your toddler

‘It’s great isn’t it. I’m following the WHO and NHS advice to feed to 2 and beyond. Plus it’s reducing my breast cancer and ovarian cancer risks. I’m really proud of myself actually.’

If she mentions your weight then I’d mention hers. Ask if needs any support as you’re worried she keeps bringing up the topic all the time.

I found a mix of 'thanks for the suggestion, I’ll think about it", "this is working for us now but I'll bear it in mind if anything changes", and " WHO/GP/HV (whoever) recommended/are happy with it" tended to work to get people off my back. I was very blunt with one of my brothers in the end though.

Mate.....literally.....

'Mum - the topic is not up for discussion. My house, my body, my baby - my rules and that's the end of it. How was your weekend?'

If she tries again.

'Mum, I'm going now - call me when you can accept that I'm an adult, and a mother'.

Quote WHO guidance. You’ve researched it and this is how you’ve decided to proceed.

This. I merrily quote the WHO advice with three-year-old twins attached. My boobs, my babies, my business.

Grow up, that just sounds like a stroppy teenager.

She doesn't get a say in how long you breastfeed for but she's entitled to be worried about your weight. Different bodies react differently to BFing, some people hold onto weight when feeding, but e.g. mine plummetted over the first year of feeding (but then started increasing as they needed less from me but I'd adjusted to eating a higher calorie diet!).

If you're 5kg/11lb under your pre-pregnancy weight and now have a BMI of 21 then you will be noticeably slimmer than you were before and if you're still wearìng old clothes that are now a size too big that will emphasis the difference. So maybe take the opportunity to buy yourself some new clothes that fit better and if she comments again say 'yes Mum, maybe you should invite us over for a meal to feed me up/do some of my housework so I can rest' until she stops. DO NOT discuss BFing with her, that's a non-negotiable (particularly if he's CMPA - been there, done that. Is he being screened every 6 months or so so you know when he grows out of his allergy? DS was 4ish before he stopped reacting).

That’s an assumption. She may just be concerned about her daughter and her health.

Personally OP I would treat it that she is your mum, mums never stop worrying about our children even when they have children of their own. She is allowed to be worried and concerned but I would just be polite validate that you understand she will naturally worry about you but your weight is within the healthy range, if that was to change you would possibly reevaluate or look how to still breast feed but look at ways to gain to get back within the healthy range xx

Breastfeeding a toddler with allergies is so, so helpful. I don’t know if you’re looking at working up the allergy tree with them, but if you are having to go dairy free yourself then you can start to introduce the allergens to your diet and it’s a very gradual start. If you’re not and your toddler can tolerate the dairy in your own diet, then that’s an incredible benefit to them and increases the likelihood of their allergy not becoming anaphylactic. (My dd was allergic to milk and egg and I was particularly worried about the egg allergy becoming anaphylactic- I breastfed her till 2 years 4 months and we managed to get her three steps up the milk ladder in that time).

my mum didn’t like me feeding that long but knew it wasn’t for debate, and I did speak enthusiastically to her about how helpful it was with the allergy stuff and how happy I was it would help reduce my risk of breast cancer (she had breast cancer herself).

it’s not worth having a fight with your mum, but it is your choice. I think there’s a tone of voice where people realise you’re not being defensive, you’re just not in any way going to change your mind. Talk to her about how enthusiastic your GP was about it - whether it’s true or not- but maybe do consider there may be an element of truth.

One of my cousins extended breastfed - to 4 - and she is naturally slim, her child is a co sleeper and she looked exhausted and run down. I dont think it had anything to do with the breastfeeding but she wasn’t looking after herself enough, I think for her parents who were genuinely concerned the breastfeeding was an obvious potential cause so could it be something like that? Could you tell her you’re starting a great new multivitamin and see if that helps?

‘Hi mum breastfeeding my toddler is not your decision’. The end

Mum - love you madly but you are overstepping. Stop pestering me about breastfeeding. Thank you.

The end.

I think the OP was implying that her mothers frame of reference for what is a healthy weight might be skewed

This is perfect OP. Exactly what you should say.

Just say it’s your choice and if you need medical advice you will ask your GP. I am BF at 19 months and I am definitely a few Kg less than pre pregnancy but I feel fine, and I’m not losing more weight. Unless you don’t feel like you have enough energy or have other symptoms of concern it’s not an issue. Your body won’t be making large quantities of milk now anyway

I fed til 21 months and 2.5years you just need a thick skin with the comments and looks. Unfortunately society is pressure to bf til 6 months then it soon starts with why are you still bf!

For your mum it's a simple I understand your concerned however I'm healthy (assuming not additionally too tired or anything which points to low iron levels etc) and I take multivitamins (recommended for bf mums anyway especially vit D and calcium so if not then start!) This works for us and it's not up for further discussion. We are going with the flow and they will wean when ready.

Can't say that's my experience. My DD is an intelligent and very capable young woman and I worry about her very little. Sure, she sometimes makes decisions I wouldn't have done, but I know that she and her DH have considered their options, looked at current advice and made what they believe to be the best choices for them and their baby. And so far they seem to be doing a great job. I don't worry about them at all on a day to day basis - I trust them. If I'm asked for advice or help I give it. For instance we had a long chat the other day about feeding options when she goes back to work. She knows I am always here for her if I'm needed. But if I'm not asked, I mind my own business. She's an adult, just like I was an adult when I had her. I did not appreciate interference then, no matter how well meaning, so I don't interfere now.
OP, I'd just say "Thanks for your concern Mum, I know you care, but honestly,I'm fine. I have looked into this, I'm happy I'm doing the right thing and I'm not willing to discuss it further." And change the subject.

Is anything actually coming out? I was shocked to discover at 19 months that there was no milk, he was effectively dry nursing to sleep!

As for your mum, I agree with PPS that you can hear her out and thank her for her concern.

Are you eating adequately? If you're sure you are and are still losing weight then maybe it's worth seeing your GP to check that nothing nefarious is going on.

Thank you. Yes I think the clothing thing is a brilliant idea.
He's actually IgE allergic and carries Epipens. He's failed the ladder a couple of times already. So we are just waiting and hopeful and possibly may go down the OIT route.

“Breastfeeding my toddler is my choice and not yours. I don’t need your input” on repeat until she stops. Stonewall any conversation

Also BFing at 20 months and am 15kg over pre-pregnancy weight (and the same weight I was as when I came back from hospital!).

I get comments from my mum too - “oh you’ll still be feeding the baby when the baby is 27!” (Mum refuses to use ‘the baby’s’ name as she doesn’t like it).

You just can’t win with some people!

My boobs my baby my business.

Or as others have said, acknowledge her concern but reassure her you are healthy and if you had any concerns you’d get checked over.

Don't answer the phone

Just what I was thinking! Sadly there are still far too many women (and obviously men!) who just can't get their heads around 'breastfeeding' per se and for some reason to be still doing it when those babies become toddlers it then seems to become a a point of almost disgust and a personal vendetta for them to try and stop it happening!
Weird!! 🙄

I understand my input is possibly useless but would a sit down conversation to understand her reasons be possible? maybe then you could agree to disagree. is it from a place of anxiety, or is it concern?