Am I allowed to stop my partners mum from seeing my baby?

[SimplyElla]

I got along with my partners family for 4 years before we had our baby. My baby is 1 now and sees her grandparents every couple months. When she was a newborn it was every few days but eventually my boyfriend’s mum stopped coming over. Something happened which I wasn’t very happy about, some last minute plans my boyfriend had to go to (we were told the day before) and he works on and off 6 out of 7 days and this was a weekend where he had 2 days off, this just meant I would be taking care of my baby on my own the following day which I was pretty upset about as I was really looking forward to having 2 days just us as a family since it’s usually just the 1 day. I sent his mum a message just saying in future I’d be grateful if you could let me know more in advance as I have to then do everything solo. It was more detailed than that but either way it was a nice message just wanting a heads up next time, not the day before. I don’t get any help with my baby other than my boyfriend (her dad) so I really do look forward to having an extra pair of hands - which I feel like his mum doesn’t understand. Her response to my message was “fuck off”. Just plain and simple, to say I was shocked was an understatement. She’s quite known to be rude but I didn’t expect that, purely just for the sake of her son and grandchild. I deleted her and blocked her number. I then shared a TikTok along the lines of “no respect for the mom, no access to the baby” and this then got sent to his mum via her family members that I have on there. She then messaged my boyfriend saying “I’m throwing shots at her on social media” and that she now doesn’t respect me at all and wants absolutely nothing to do with me. No apology, nothing. My boyfriend spoke to her and said it wasn’t right for her to reply that however he also thinks I shouldn’t have messaged in the first place and that we all “played our part”. He was willing to break up with me if I tried to stop her seeing our baby. She’s now seen our baby twice since this has happened and both times I’ve been pretty upset about it. My boyfriend takes our daughter to her house and I hate being away from her anyway let alone around people I know hate me. Is there anyway I can prevent this, would anyone else allow this, am I wrong to want to stop her seeing her grandchild?

You sound as bad as each other.

It does sound as though it's the pair of you to be honest.

Why not put the whole thing behind you and have a fresh start. It's good for your baby to have good solid relationships around her.

Respectfully, yes it would be wrong and your boyfriend is right, you did all play your part. She shouldn't have told you to fuck off, you probably shouldn't have messaged - a conversation would be better and your boyfriend didn't have to go. Are you both quite young?

If you and your boyfriend break up, your bf will continue to take baby to his mum's, as he's already doing.

I'd try and get bf to mediate and be open to resolution. She's in the wrong as well and presumably older than you as well so really ought to know better.

Posting digs at other family members on tiktok or wherever is not a good look,

That deserves a 'fuck off'

I was with you until you wrote that you "then shared a tiktok..." etc. - why on earth? Do you really think that was a normal next step?

You had the moral high ground before that and threw that away for social media addressed to whom exactly, given you'd blocked your boyfriend's mother already? Such an odd thing to do!

Your relationship sounds pretty precarious given your boyfriend has told you clearly that he will choose his mother over you, and is attempting to hold you to ransom with the break up threat.

Assume you'll be a single mum sooner or later and he'll be taking your daughter to his mum on his days. You can't stop him unless you have evidence she's a danger to the child, but you might want to rethink the relationship and have your daughter twelve days a week and every other weekend free, but your daughter will be at her paternal grandparents eow...

Not a very satisfactory set up but you can't go back in time.

I then shared a TikTok along the lines of “no respect for the mom, no access to the baby”

I'm absolutely cringing myself inside out for you! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

If any of this is true, you really do sound as bad as each other.

Of course she shouldn't have told you to fuck off but I'd bet my house on the fact it was a long time coming, and that you're not being entirely honest about the relationship leading up to that.

Not sure why you felt you should be able to micro manage and control his mum’s relationship with her son rather than dealing with him about your feelings and expectations. That would never end well even with the most good natured and respectful ‘in law’ relationship. And yes her response to your inappropriate message was over the top rude but your social media message was toxic and childish.

Yeah you’re not the innocent victim you think you are.

Based on your tik tok posts, I doubt your message to her was polite.

Your boyfriend is her dad and he is entitled to take his child to see his mum. You can’t stop it.

Stop trying to cause drama.

This poor child. The lot of you need to grow up.

I mean she could stop it if she wanted to. Plenty of women have.

I would try to make up with your mil op. It was an argument, can you get over it

You sound ridiculous

And then they will split up, and he will simply take baby to see his mum during his time.

So depends on whether she wants to stay in a relationship or not.

Many women also stop their ex partner from seeing the baby

How old are you? Sounds like the behaviour of a 12 year old.

Mil to reply "fuck off" is shocking. She sounds very rough

So does the op posting tiktoks like a 9 year old

The tiktok is immature.

I think the "fuck off" is worse. So aggressive!

How does that work when there’s a court order?

You dont have to see your MIL.
Your oartner is free to visit his family with his child.

MIL is horrendously rude and you’re immature but you have a DP problem. He didn’t need to drop everything last minute because his mum asked - he could and should have said no. You and his baby should be his priority, not his parents. A serious conversation is needed here.

You need a heads up that you will be parenting solo for one day? I think you need to grow up and not use your baby as a weapon

No, you can’t stop a father from taking his child to see his family.

Try to de-escalate the situation before it gets and worse.

And for god’s sake, at least be honest with yourself about the run up to it. No one is buying the sweetness and light “I just sent a nice message and she told me to fuck off” story.

All of this. You and your boyfriends mum sound as childish as each other.

Posting on tiktok, come on. That is ridiculously drama seeking and very embarrassing for your mil and partner. More disrespectful than her telling you to fuck off privately, really. And a bit nuts.
Say sorry. You both need to get over it. If you've got on well for 4 years you can get past this. Your partner can visit whoever he wants with his child, he is her dad.
And get off tiktok, you'll be getting a constant stream of anti-MIL stuff now, it's not real and could do real damage to your little family.

And for god’s sake, at least be honest with yourself about the run up to it. No one is buying the sweetness and light “I just sent a nice message and she told me to fuck off” story

Exactly this.

Someone who is the sort of person to take shots to their MiL in public, knowing they have family members on there, is definitely not the sort of person to send sweet and polite messages where the response is a “fuck off”.