Am I allowed to stop my partners mum from seeing my baby?

[SimplyElla]

I got along with my partners family for 4 years before we had our baby. My baby is 1 now and sees her grandparents every couple months. When she was a newborn it was every few days but eventually my boyfriend’s mum stopped coming over. Something happened which I wasn’t very happy about, some last minute plans my boyfriend had to go to (we were told the day before) and he works on and off 6 out of 7 days and this was a weekend where he had 2 days off, this just meant I would be taking care of my baby on my own the following day which I was pretty upset about as I was really looking forward to having 2 days just us as a family since it’s usually just the 1 day. I sent his mum a message just saying in future I’d be grateful if you could let me know more in advance as I have to then do everything solo. It was more detailed than that but either way it was a nice message just wanting a heads up next time, not the day before. I don’t get any help with my baby other than my boyfriend (her dad) so I really do look forward to having an extra pair of hands - which I feel like his mum doesn’t understand. Her response to my message was “fuck off”. Just plain and simple, to say I was shocked was an understatement. She’s quite known to be rude but I didn’t expect that, purely just for the sake of her son and grandchild. I deleted her and blocked her number. I then shared a TikTok along the lines of “no respect for the mom, no access to the baby” and this then got sent to his mum via her family members that I have on there. She then messaged my boyfriend saying “I’m throwing shots at her on social media” and that she now doesn’t respect me at all and wants absolutely nothing to do with me. No apology, nothing. My boyfriend spoke to her and said it wasn’t right for her to reply that however he also thinks I shouldn’t have messaged in the first place and that we all “played our part”. He was willing to break up with me if I tried to stop her seeing our baby. She’s now seen our baby twice since this has happened and both times I’ve been pretty upset about it. My boyfriend takes our daughter to her house and I hate being away from her anyway let alone around people I know hate me. Is there anyway I can prevent this, would anyone else allow this, am I wrong to want to stop her seeing her grandchild?

I don’t expect anyone to believe anything however this is an anonymous post so I’m being as vulnerable as possible just for pure honesty as a first time mum who’s navigating this for the first time. She didn’t turn up to our baby shower I believe due to other family members being there so I don’t believe she’ll attend any of my baby’s celebrations as I couldn’t image she’ll want to be around me.

It sounds like you and MIL have both been on power trips and you wanted to prove you had the upper hand because you have the baby.

I agree with this ^

The thing is @SimplyElla if you actually want to “win” the best and easiest way if to reclaim the moral high ground.

De-escalate. Apologise for the TikTok (without “you made me do it” type excuses). Ask to see her one to one. Ask if she’s OK. Say you noticed she had stopped coming around. Say you understand she was upset when she thought she was removed from the group chat. Ask if she will try to rebuild the relationship for the sake of her son and grandchild.

Honestly, not only is this the “right” thing to do, but you would come out of it looking like a bloody rockstar.

Yes I do and would like to have another in the future so that’s been a concern with this too as i will exclusively breastfeed and I don’t think she’d want to be around me so I’m not sure how that will work around her not wanting to be around me but maybe over the years it’ll sort itself out.

Yes, you do what? If you're responding to people, it is helpful to quote so we can follow.

Yeah yabu here.
She reacted poorly but sounds pushed to the limit.

I have 2nd hand embarrassment re: your behaviour

1.You cant look after your own child on your own and need a helper - 🧐

1. i guarantee theres a shit tonne of back story to "your nice message" and she prob said fuck off because she isnt hired help and you pushed her too far
2. THEN you posted on tik tok with a ma bebe ma rulz Threatening to remove access....

Wtaf????

Fair enough you have no interest and dont want to see her but unless shes actually a danger to your child no I wouldnt not be blocking contact like your dp take the baby over....

Are you a mom? Because an extra pair of hands always helps with a baby and I only ever ask her dad lol. She’s never once asked to have her and I wouldn’t expect her to either. I’m capable of looking after my baby, I just don’t have any family around as they live far away so I’m limited to making plans unless I go on my own to do things with my kids which I do 99% of the time anyway.

And if anything I think I was the one pushed. She called me fat and fatty all throughout my pregnancy and after I gave birth I was told I would never get my old body back or that I’d never be skinny again. Meanwhile I made no remarks back.

I do not know why people think texting messages, other than brief, informative and factual are ever a good idea! It’s much better to have face to face conversations, where both parties can judge by the other’s facial expressions that the conversation is going in the wrong direction, and they can change tack to repair the misunderstanding there and then!

It doesn’t really matter who said what and who did what and who posted what. Stop putting your child in the middle of all of this. They aren’t a weapon.

I didn’t really have any choice but to text as she was not coming over anymore, I didn’t know why but it was because she thought she’d been removed from a group chat where I posted the baby but the group chats just didn’t exist anymore, so she stopped coming over because she thought she’d been removed but I just assumed she was busy or that not many people had heard from her recently. I think if she’d come over and asked if that was the case I’d have cleared it up and said no she wasn’t removed however I think she already got it in her head I’d removed her and so when I brought up the issue of letting us know more in advance if possible she already had an issue with me so that built up for her. The only issue I had with her prior to this was the fact she would call me fat while and after I was pregnant.

they do it a lot. My mother completely stopped my father from seeing me. No safeguarding issue. She moved with me to a different country and wouldn’t let him see me at all.
my father went to lawyers and The Hague convention. They didn’t do anything to help him.when I became an adult I joined a group online of similiar people. there are hundreds of people in the group who were stopped from seeing their father.

break ups turn nasty and children are often used to hurt the other parent

Your boyfriend can facilitate the relationship between the grandmother and grandchild.

You can't prevent this, if he follows through with his threat of dumping you, the child could be with him 50% of the time and neither of you would have any say in what occurs during the others parenting time.

Have you and your partners mum always behave like this towards each other?
I that is the case why be in a relationship with someone with a family that you don’t like?
Same for your partner, why continue with a relationship where his family don’t like you.

And then go on to have a baby together, a lifetime of misery in a family where nobody gets on, where there is no respect, expectations or manners.

There’s so much wrong from all sides. In no particular order:

• BF needs to do his part
• you need to be able to solo parent occasionally
• Texting Fuck Off is completely out of order
• Blocking MIL is an overreaction
• Passive aggressive TikTok videos are a bad idea
• Don’t use your baby as a weapon

Your poor child.

Apparently, it’s children.

To begin with you should have discussed with your bf that you needed him around and that you would like him to decline his mums last minute plans, that was up to him, you didn’t need to get involved with that, no matter how nice the message was.
But then, yes, her response was terrible.
but then you were ridiculous sharing the tik tok. That’s really childish. You both need to just try and get past this rather than adding more drama.

It’s not a case, you had no choice but to send a text. You presumably could have

1. not sent a text
2. phoned her
3. got bf to speak to her, on the basis they have a long history of communication, which nobody else can replicate
4. gone over with bf to see her for a face to face conversation

What you might have thought was a nice message, could have come over to her as a rant? That is the problem with texts, where there is no tone of voice and other non verbal communication.

My MIL went round saying everyone in the family was fat; even her niece, the bride at her own wedding. She made no attempt to keep her voice down. We all had to accept that was the way she was! She never listened to anything anyone said either!

Glad your not my daughter in law

That was my thought as well, you all sound a bit immature really, no one matters in all this except your child who seems to be stuck with a not very nice set of relatives

I do believe she probably took it as a rant, especially as I was unaware she already thought there was an issue. I’m unsure what to do really, she’s seen my baby twice this year as she’s busy too and doesn’t want to come over to see her now but also I do feel like she’s double my age and should almost know better? I know I’m no angel and I made it clear to my bf that I was in the wrong for sending the message in the first place however everyone who I sent the text to so they could also see it was horrible, agreed that it wasn’t and my bf was also shocked at his mums reply. I also know I shouldn’t have reposted something especially because it was fresh, however I have a very private following but I should’ve known it would’ve been shown to her. I think the prior name calling and making me feel really low about my body just after giving birth didn’t help with our relationship as my own family aren’t like that and would see that as rude. I could extend an olive brand however she is quite a posh, outspoken, egotistical person who doesn’t get along with many and isn’t the most friendly so I’ve always felt a little intimidated around her as it is and I don’t believe I’d get a reply. The comments have for sure made me realise that depriving children from that relationship whether they make loads of effort or not - isn’t the way forward. I guess that’s my own ego and just not wanting anything said negatively about me in front of my children, but I also can’t control that.

you can’t do anything to stop your boyfriend taking the child you share to his parents, however, once he breaks up with you, meets someone else and has another child they might forget about you/and your child. So play the long game and hold out. Sounds like you got ahead of yourself with your tik tok post…but still your boyfriends mum was just as rude as you…

Well then you keep your thoughts to yourself, communicate what you need to your boyfriend and understand that his family are part of your baby’s life and for the love of God keep the whole thing of social media.

I’m unsure what to do really

Do nothing, it's fine. It's on your boyfriend to maintain the relationship with his relatives, you don't need to get involved.

I feel sorry for your daughter.