Am I allowed to stop my partners mum from seeing my baby?

[SimplyElla]

I got along with my partners family for 4 years before we had our baby. My baby is 1 now and sees her grandparents every couple months. When she was a newborn it was every few days but eventually my boyfriend’s mum stopped coming over. Something happened which I wasn’t very happy about, some last minute plans my boyfriend had to go to (we were told the day before) and he works on and off 6 out of 7 days and this was a weekend where he had 2 days off, this just meant I would be taking care of my baby on my own the following day which I was pretty upset about as I was really looking forward to having 2 days just us as a family since it’s usually just the 1 day. I sent his mum a message just saying in future I’d be grateful if you could let me know more in advance as I have to then do everything solo. It was more detailed than that but either way it was a nice message just wanting a heads up next time, not the day before. I don’t get any help with my baby other than my boyfriend (her dad) so I really do look forward to having an extra pair of hands - which I feel like his mum doesn’t understand. Her response to my message was “fuck off”. Just plain and simple, to say I was shocked was an understatement. She’s quite known to be rude but I didn’t expect that, purely just for the sake of her son and grandchild. I deleted her and blocked her number. I then shared a TikTok along the lines of “no respect for the mom, no access to the baby” and this then got sent to his mum via her family members that I have on there. She then messaged my boyfriend saying “I’m throwing shots at her on social media” and that she now doesn’t respect me at all and wants absolutely nothing to do with me. No apology, nothing. My boyfriend spoke to her and said it wasn’t right for her to reply that however he also thinks I shouldn’t have messaged in the first place and that we all “played our part”. He was willing to break up with me if I tried to stop her seeing our baby. She’s now seen our baby twice since this has happened and both times I’ve been pretty upset about it. My boyfriend takes our daughter to her house and I hate being away from her anyway let alone around people I know hate me. Is there anyway I can prevent this, would anyone else allow this, am I wrong to want to stop her seeing her grandchild?

Sheesh kebabs do you want your child raised by a grudge-bearing mum and a rude grandma muttering about how awful each of them is ? Come on! Your baby’s grandma didn’t do anything awful and actually you should have had words with your partner not your MIL about the last minuteness of it. Her reaction was extraordinary- more what an angry 15 year old might say. The original issue was really minor and now you’ve both blown it up into a massive family feud. Your baby deserves to have a relationship with their grandmother. You both need to get off your high horses and apologise. Life is too short for this kind of rubbish. Surely you don’t want your child to grow up in a toxic atmosphere like this? Seriously!

I think she needs to apologise and you both need to sort it out.

I was with you until the childish Tik Tok response. Honestly, what did you think would happen? Grow up and stop airing your family issues on social media.

Why do adults play out their lives on social media.

i think you both need to grow up and talk in real life.

TikTok🤣

You both played a part ..and l’m sure in hindsight you can see that . The question l have is about your DP . If he is a solid guy and you are certain he is going to be in your life for ever , then it’s worth trying to build bridges by inviting her over to try to move on - you CAN be the better person - but if you have any doubts about him staying around long term then don’t bother and continue to let him take your child to see her without you . Seriously when you have a little one there’s no time or energy for drama . Good luck.

You are coming across as not being very mature in how you deal with people in your life. For instance, you seem quite obsessed with comments about your body, to the point that you are using your MiL's not very nice jibes about your weight almost as an excuse why she should be excluded from your DC's life. That's quite an extreme reaction to something that most people would find annoying, but not relationship ending. You are also glossing over any responsibility you have in exacerbating this row with your MiL. You speak about the group chat mysteriously "being removed", just "not existing any more", which is absurd. Someone set it up in the first place and invited people to join and that person most likely closed it down. You most likely know who that person is or could ask the others who were in that group who it is and why they did it. That you haven't even made an effort or tried to understand how someone other that you is feeling is worrying. My advice to you would be to come to terms with your own lack of experience of being a mother and a partner (which includes relationships with your partner's family), acknowledge that you are not always going to be "in the right" nor do you need to always "have the last word". Your MiL may have acted improperly and may do so in the future. But it's not your place to "put her in her place". Neither can you control how she talks about you to your DC or your partner (or anyone). You have to learn how to grow up and control your own responses.

I didn’t really have any choice but to text as she was not coming over anymore

Rubbish, you had no right to send her that text. The person you needed to rake it up with is your DH, as he is the one making the choice to go somewhere, it’s all on him. If it’s problematic, then the two of you sort it out between yourselves and if agreed it’s not to happen, then your DH sorts it out (BY HIMSELF) with his mother. You should have no part in that. If he doesn’t want to stay home, or doesn’t want to sort it out with his mother, then you have a DH problem, not a MIL problem.

@SimplyElla , normally I would say that a child benefits from a relationship with its grandparents on both sides but your poor child appears to have to contend with a mother and paternal grandmother who have yet to grow up.
There is a simple and failsafe rule under these circumstances which is to always put the interests of the child first and never ever use them as ammunition. I rather doubt either you or your MIL will be able to do this unfortunately and very sadly your child will be the loser. A pretty poor example you’re showing your child too which will not be helpful for their future happiness.

Am I right in thinking your MIL planned to do something with your DP and you messaged her? some last minute plans my boyfriend had to go to (we were told the day before) She then told you to fuck off? She could have phrased it better but perhaps she didn’t appreciate you controlling what events her son could attend?

I then shared a TikTok along the lines of “no respect for the mom, no access to the baby”

Then you posted a TikTok video that got back to her? You seriously posted a childish TikTok? Why did you not speak to your DP like an adult? You sound very controlling and passive aggressive.

If your DP does split up with you there’s absolutely nothing you can do to control who your child sees in his time.

My mind is boggled by someone posting a TikTok 🤣

I remember when me and my cousin had an argument. In our twenties at the time. She then put a status on her Facebook that didn't name me but was a dig at me.

People definitely use social media to be passive aggressive

People can ignore court orders. One of my parents ignored it. The order was never enforced

Yes you’ve already said. Not sure why you needed to say the same thing again a week after this thread went quiet.

What a vile post. Show me on mumsnet where it says we can't post if the last post is more than a week ago. Oops that rule doesn't exist. So jog on

You’re being ridiculous, plus why were you expecting a helping hand if she was coming to visit you, if my mum or MIL was coming to visit I would be looking forward to their visit not expecting a ‘helping hand’ unless of course I was ill and they had agreed to come and help. I feel quite sorry for your partner in this situation and your child who you want to deny a relationship with their grandma because of your entitled attitude