We can't cope with our 17yo son's behavior

[mumoa]

We are very distressed because we can't cope with our son (17 yo, A levels student). Although his behavior isn't always the best, we've had some good times. However, in recent months, things have gotten worse. Now he says he doesn't want a relationship with us anymore, so he won't speak to us.He spends all day in his bedroom, on his phone or playing guitar.He doesn't clean his bedroom, he doesn't help around the house, sometimes he goes to the gym, but he doesn't tell us; he just grabs his things and leaves, although sometimes he sends us a text asking us to come pick him up.If we tell him to clean his room, to look up information about universities, or to study for his theoric driving test, he says we stress him out and that he hates us for it. His plan is to continue not speaking to us or doing anything, but that we continue taking him to and from school, giving him money when he goes out with his friends, and (according to him) fulfilling all our other obligations as parents. We don't know how to have a good relationship with him or how to communicate without him yelling at us and slamming doors.I should add that he only behaves this way with us; his teachers, his friends' parents, etc., have always said he's polite and kind.Thank you for reading all this. Could you please give us your opinions? What could we do?

You could stop being a doormat. That would be my suggestion.

I’d be showing him the front door! If he wants to live in your home he can live by the rules. If he doesn’t want to and doesn’t want a relationship with you then he is free to leave and find alternative accommodation.

Have you asked him why he is behaving this way?

He's taking the mick out of you and you're allowing it as he's your child!
As hard as it is as we all over worry about our kids but there is a fine line and he's crossed way over that!
Tell him to sort his behaviour out ( he clearly can at college etc) or find alternative accommodation and believe me you have the right to have respect in your own home.

Stop with the lifts and the money.

Dump his stuff on the doorstep next time he’s at the gym. Grow a spine.

I'd talk to him, agree that he is old enough that he doesn't need micromanaging any more. That you will back off and give him some space BUT tell him you will not give him any more money until he treats you with courtesy and stops yelling and slamming doors. That is not an unreasonable expectation of an adult, which is how he wants to be treated.

If he wants his room untidy, fine he can live with it. If he doesn't want to study for his theory test, fine, let him fail.

Let his teachers and peer pressure deal with looking at universities. Maybe he doesn't want to go but I'd leave that for another day. Get to a point you each treat the other politely while giving each other some space. Then you can build on that.

No money no lifts.
Stop being a doormat.
Tell him he moved out at the day he turns 18 yo if he keeps going like this.

Basically, what everyone else has said.

And stop paying for his phone too.

Stop with the lifts etc. Tell him that if he wishes to live in your house then he abides by your rules and must be courteous/respectful.

Next time he flounces around slamming doors show him the front door and say that one day that will be slammed firmly shut behind him if he doesn't alter his behaviour pronto.

As for exams and tests, like his driving theory test, just back off from saying anything about those. Leave him to either do the work himself or to fail. Just say nothing and stop asking. Simple as that.

I’d be telling him that a roof over his head and meals were your obligations as parents at this stage of his development and that chauffeuring, WiFi, money and all other services are reserved for people you have an amicable relationship with.

As others have said, lay down some minimum standards of behaviour you'll tolerate for a start. And don't give him anything if he's treating you horribly.
No Wifi, no money, no lifts, no cleaning, no laundry, nothing except food you're already cooking and a roof over his head and maybe not even those unless he shows some basic decency. If he then threatens to move out and cut off contact - let him. He's capable of looking after himself at that age. Let him know you'll always love him and you'll be open to reconciliation when he's ready to approach you with love and respect.
I know you're afraid he'll ruin his life by not applying for universities etc but that's actually his mistake to make. It's his life and he's on the cusp of adulthood. If he says he doesn't want a relationship with you, as painful as that feels, show him what that really looks like. You're not his servants.
One of my friends was kicked out of home by her Mum at 16 for behaving like a complete b*h. She went and boarded with a family she knew and paid for her board with a combination of part time work and government allowances while she finished school and went to uni. She now runs a very successful PR agency and she and her Mum are close. She said it was traumatic at the time but she knows her behaviour was completely off the rails and she understands why her Mum did it.

If he wont speak to you and says he doesnt want a relationship - hard as it sounds - he's old enough to find accommodation else where. Unless he sorts his attitude out.

Bless you, and him.
I totally disagree with people saying to be harsh, throw him out, etc.
No.
You need to hang on here, and build with him.
This is an awful phase, but he will come out of it.
I’d keep looking after him. In fact, I’d up it.
I’d have a chat and say whatever happens, we need to keep talking. We love you very much.
I’d reassure him, because to me that sounds like what he needs.
He’s a kid. And rife with very turbulent hormones.
He doesn’t sound happy at all.
Just try unconditional love and expecting nothing. To start with.
One day he’ll wake up, and say sorry. And thank you.

Fair enough if he was 12. He’s old enough to face the consequences of his actions.

L wouldn’t be on his back about Uni choices and driving exam
He is 17 not 7
Leave him to get on with all of that
And ignore the mess in his room
Sit him down and explain that you expect basic manners from him otherwise there will be no lifts or pocket money
And stick to that

Change the WiFi password. Sometimes, the knowledge that you still have some power helps to focus their minds. No lifts, no money, no laundry, no cooking, no buying his favourite snacks. If he doesn’t want a relationship with you anymore, well, he doesn’t get to have one.

Teach him the beauty of a 2 way street. No lifts, no money, no phone, no WiFi.

Stop the money and the lifts.

Go on strike. He is old enough to learn not to treat you like shit.

No money, laundry, lifts, phone etc. Change the wifi password too. Have food in the kitchen but don't cook for him. With exams and applications, if he doesn't do these then let him fall. He'll reap the consequences.

It's time he realised how good he has it. Be open to a reconciliation but hold that line, because right now he is behaving like an entitled brat and that attitude will do him no good in adult life.

I’d be telling him that respect works both way and until he starts showing respect to you there will be no more lifts and no more money.

my son at that age didn’t tidy his room, didn’t do chores and didn’t really listen to our advice, though he is pretty proactive doing what he needs to do eg uni, part time job.

if you want respect , you have to give it too. He needs to learn this.

He sounds very depressed.

Is he actually doing any school work? What’s school telling you?

Ridiculous bluff when it comes to a 17 year old 🙄

Does he have any friends?

Does he have any siblings? How is he with them? Are there expectations that are overwhelming for him?

I would back off about clean room and uni choices - not just in words and actions but also in demeanour - be nonchalant and indifferent. He might need the pressure eased so that he is able to have his own agency.

When you say his behaviour wasn’t that great before but has got worse - can you describe his previous behaviour and how you chose to manage it.

Are both parents together in a steady, kind and respectful relationship?

sometimes he goes to the gym, but he doesn't tell us; he just grabs his things and leaves

he is 17! He can do this
and when he occasionally does message to ask for a lift back you say “nope, make your own way back!”