We can't cope with our 17yo son's behavior

[mumoa]

We are very distressed because we can't cope with our son (17 yo, A levels student). Although his behavior isn't always the best, we've had some good times. However, in recent months, things have gotten worse. Now he says he doesn't want a relationship with us anymore, so he won't speak to us.He spends all day in his bedroom, on his phone or playing guitar.He doesn't clean his bedroom, he doesn't help around the house, sometimes he goes to the gym, but he doesn't tell us; he just grabs his things and leaves, although sometimes he sends us a text asking us to come pick him up.If we tell him to clean his room, to look up information about universities, or to study for his theoric driving test, he says we stress him out and that he hates us for it. His plan is to continue not speaking to us or doing anything, but that we continue taking him to and from school, giving him money when he goes out with his friends, and (according to him) fulfilling all our other obligations as parents. We don't know how to have a good relationship with him or how to communicate without him yelling at us and slamming doors.I should add that he only behaves this way with us; his teachers, his friends' parents, etc., have always said he's polite and kind.Thank you for reading all this. Could you please give us your opinions? What could we do?

I wouldn’t be harsh either. Throwing a 17 year old out could completely backfire and you may never rebuild your relationship.

I would however be backing off on the money/wifi/ laundry situation. There has to be two way respect which there isn't at the moment. But I would do it with kindness and not dictatorially.

I would also back off with uni, driving etc too. It’s easy at that age to feel overwhelmed with life esp with exams looming. Teens have a way of blowing things out of all proportion.

I would also keep the lines of communication open. Driving him places is a great time to have conversations.

He will come out the other side of this! Good luck

Tell him that if he wants to be independent he can be. And suggest he finds a way of doing just that. Don't be available for lifts, don't cook or clean for him and don't provide money for his lifestyle.

Is he in the middle of doing A levels now, or are they next year?

Back off with anything that could put him under extra pressure (uni applications - school/college can help if he needs it. Driving theory - maybe better done in school holidays)

He is free to be untidy, but not unclean!

Tell him you will stop pressuring him and continue to provide a roof over his head and food - but in return he needs to communicate and use his manners. Have car conversations, always easier when your eyes are on the road and not their face!

He ideally should be looking for a part time job to fund going out etc. but that’s down to him. Mine knew the more they worked the more fun stuff they could afford!

Just to say op some of this is normal teen behaviour. Write him a note explaining you only want the best for him and then back off. The door slamming isn’t acceptable. He sounds like he’s struggling by the way. My dd has adhd and can be very unreasonable- and very black and white re her expectations for us. I’m fortunate she knew what she wanted for uni so that is a goal. Her theory test I just booked it and she had a week to study for it. Before that week I had been nagging at her for months to get on with it. She just got on with it once the date was booked. Is he doing well at school? Some teens are just overwhelmed by this stage of life.

Why are you on his back about the theory test?

Are you micromanaging him so much he feels suffocated?

You have to look at your behaviour to see where his behaviour might be coming from? Be honest, are you suffocating and controlling?

People on MN love throwing their (or rather other posters’ kids) out on the streets so unless he is physically violent don’t jump to that. You need to repair your relationship and the way to do that is to see where and why the cracks started.

Who’s paying for the gym? The driving lessons? The phone? The WiFi?

I have a 17 year old ds and if he spoke to me like this all lifts and cash would immediately stop. I’d keep a roof over his head and feed him but I absolutely wouldn’t pay for these nice to haves.

come on OP you are being a terrible parent because you are allowing him to enter adulthood thinking it’s ok to speak to people like this which will only end in him as an adult being sacked / not being able to sustain a relationship.

speak to him when picking him up in the car
ask him about his day, his guitar

He is being a nasty spoilt brat, I wouldn't pay for that privilege. At 17 I wouldn't kick him out, but he would be on the basics. I wouldn't pay for his phone, driving lessons or give him money, something I did for all mine at that age. I continue to help DD 19 (our youngest) at university, still paying for her phone, travel, shopping, etc. but the bank of mum and dad would clamp shut immediately and at 18 he'd be invited to leave.

How are his grades? Is he sitting A levels this year or next? Is he planning on university? Is he expecting financial support there? I would tell him now that unless things seriously improve once he hits 18 he can stand on his own two feet. If you are dead to him then he can't possibly expect you to carry on paying for him as an adult.

Does he have a job? Some people sneer, but Macdonalds is a great employer at that age. They allowed DD to take three months off before her A levels and now at university, she doesn't work during term time. They let her to set her availability for work for when she's at home.

I think having a job is so much more than money. If he doesn't have one (I know MN say they're impossible to get), he needs to get one. Stop being a doormat. You're doing him a disservice by allowing him to be so nasty and still have you at his beck and call. Can you imagine letting anyone else in your life treating you the way he's doing.

His plan is to continue not speaking to you - but he still expects lifts?
He shouts and slams doors when you encourage him to revise for his driving theory - but still expects your driving skills to ferry him about?

What a joker.

Some tough love needed here.

When did parents become such wet lettuces?
My parents would never have tolerated this behaviour and nor would anyone I knew.
Get a grip and kick him out

Stop being a doormat

Is his dad at home or his real father elsewhere?

Tbh there is no way on this earth I’d tolerate this type of behaviour- especially at 17 as you expect them to be emerging from this type of behaviour somewhat at that age

Stop pandering to him, ask him to get a job and tell him you will facilitate him find a house share - he’s a young adult and if he hates you this much then he knows what he can do

i’m interested that he is respectful and kind in all other settings. Behaviour at home being different - and outbursts triggered additional demands suggests he is very stressed out. I’d grit my teeth, back off a bit and ride it out.

Agree. I'd tell him, once A Levels are over and he's 18, he needs to move out.

If he wants no relationship, that means not living in your home, no financial assistance, no lifts, no food, no laundry, nothing.

He can't pick and choose the bits he wants. Wants all the benefits of parents without any of the interaction/relationship.

YOU own your home. If he wants to go no contact, it will involve 'going' somewhere else. You're not servants.

He sounds very unhappy to me.

Have you listened to him (note I am specifically not saying "talk to him") to understand why he is behaving like this? Have you discussed with him (not told) about expectations for helping out with household jobs for example?
Maybe take the conversation away from the house in a less formal situation if conversations are hard.

It's obviously very hard to tell from just a single post but just on the things you have mentioned you sound very controlling. A lot of the things are just normal teenager (shutting himself in his room, always on his phone and guitar etc).

For example, just going to the gym is totally fine for a 17 year old.
Telling him to clean his room (unless it is unhygienic) is something you do to a 7 year old.
As is telling him to look up universities or to study for his theory test - does he actually want to do either of these? If he does, it's best he sorts it out himself rather than be micromanaged by a parent.

Stop picking him up upon demand and stop giving him money. If you act like a doormat you will get treated as one.

Some of the comments on here are ridiculous and not real life. Who in the real world, realistically kicks out their 17 year old child?

Op, at 17 he doesn't need to tell you if he is going to the gym but you also don't need to pick him up. If he's finding his own way there he can find his own way back.

How often are you moaning at him about cleaning his room, his studying for school and theory test, his looking for unis. Before it got to the stage of him not speaking to you, what would you do with him for enjoyment just to spend time together without getting on at him?

Alot of the time people come on here when there's been a breakdown in relationship with their teens and they are still parenting them like little kids, demanding they do this and that and just on their back constantly and their is no comment about the things you still do together to keep the bond going. It's hard enough being a teen in this day and age without your parents constantly on your back. Who cares if his rooms a mess, close the door and leave him to it.

I also have a similar situation with my 17year old son and just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My son can be incredibly rude, lazy and just awful! In the last few months he has definitely pushed harder and harder at home and it’s been so difficult for everyone. I had tried being really firm and frankly that just made things worse. He didn’t turn up to the theory test I paid for, missed a driving lesson that I paid for and wasn’t doing the basic stuff expected of him so I sent him a number of messages (talking was a no go) explaining calmly that I won’t be paying for anything any more apart from his bus to college. I won’t be giving him lifts anywhere (I continue to pay for his gym membership as I see that as a positive thing in his life), I won’t set curfews or tell him to revise but he has deal with the consequences on his own. I won’t cook for him if he isn’t back for dinner or do his washing. If he wants adult rules then he has to have adult responsibilities.
It has been hard but it has made a difference. Firstly, I’ve found a weight off my shoulders just not thinking about it any more and he’s definitely been nicer now I’ve stepped out of showing any interest in his life. He has got himself two jobs and I did even catch him revising yesterday!!! I think he may have realised he’s not quite ready to be an adult yet.
Sending strength to you, these teenage days are much much harder than I thought they would be……

Plenty of people do chuck their 16/17 year old children out. I worked as a homeless officer for 25 years and throughout that time dealt with goodness only knows how many under 18s who had been told to get out. Having dealt with them I can say that sometimes I understood completely why they had to go. Yes, some parents were awful, but some perfectly pleasant parents seemed to have children who behaved appallingly.

Some of this is fairly normal for teens.

you may find the book “get out of my life but first take me and Alexa to town” helpful.

if he is doing a levels right now I’d cut an awful lot of slack because exams are very stressful.

beyond that:

it is fairly normal for teens to have messy rooms. The usual solution is either shut the door or make some money depend on it.

not telling you before going to the gym - at 17 he should have some freedom to move around without telling you all the time.

money - give him a regular allowance and let him manage it. If you want him to do chores add additional in for the chores.

leave the driving theory to him.

Him going out when he wants is fine. But I wouldn't be giving him money or lifts with this behaviour. I'd probably set up a star chart if he wants earn money and act like a spoilt child.

I would take him to school because you don't want him stuck with you forever. But wouldn't pay for anything beyond essentials. You're fed with a roof over your head, in school, they're your responsibilities as parents, everything else you earn.

I think youre making the mistake of taking things too personally. He wants you step right out of his life but not because he hates you but he is desperate for independence. Unfortunately because he is 17 he also needs you for finances /housing and you feel because of that you get a say in what hes doing....

The sad things is at 17 we need to step back and let them make mistakes a bit. So he doesnt want to hear you opinions on what he should be doing and when and wants to come and go as he wants. He may fuck up his a levels and theory test but thats on him now. Dont offer advice usless he asks for it. Its really difficult to watch young adults mess up. Sometimes there are big consequences.

Which doesnt mean there arent boundaries. He wants a more adult relationship with you. That doesnt mean he can be rude to other people he lives with. He should help around the house, make dinner etc /do washing etc BUT you need to let him do it his way.

He wants you to back off a lot you want him to be a nicer person to live with. You should both be able to work it out.

He's 17. Your obligations as a parent is to love him keep him safe put a roof over his head and provide him with food etc. you're not obliged to give him money to go off out with his mates or pay for his gym memberships those are luxuries not necessities. If he wants to treat you with such contempt make it known you're not there to provide him with money for those luxuries and that if he wants them he can take a part time job to pay for them. You don't have to give him lifts to these places either if he can take himself there he can also sort out bringing himself home. If he wants money and luxuries he can do chores to keep his room tidy and treat his parents with respect

There’s a lot of posturing on this thread.

Hopefully, you and his Dad are on the same page on this.

I’d sit him down and lay out rights, responsibilities and privileges.

As a minor it is your duty as a parent to support him but that window is closing. However, you intend to continue to support him past 18. Point out this is your choice.

As part of supporting him, the government would reasonably expect you to provide him with three meals a day, shelter, access to an education and basic clothing. I’d put WiFi in there as well as it’s necessary for homework.

Access to a mobile phone, snacks, nicer clothing etc are a bit borderline.

Things like gym membership, lifts, laundry etc are your current choice but that could change.

He needs to feel the consequences of failure in a safe space. I’d give notice that you will not be mentioning the theory test again but that if he fails he will be expected to contribute towards the retake.

Similarly with homework - back right off. Tell him you are happy to provide support by reminding him but only as an agreed form of support he is on board with. But don’t suddenly go from micromanaging him to doing nothing - tell him this is your decision and that he should consider how to manage his time by himself.

The op is not being a terrible parent. You need to retract that. It's cruel.