Page 5 | 22-month-old refusing car seat despite changing seats, any suggestions?

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

AutumnClouds · 22/05/2026 11:53

BertieBotts · 22/05/2026 08:31

For sure. But as a (gentle leaning) mum of 3, your boss being nice to you works because you very likely learned quite early on in life that some things are non negotiable.

Nobody has to take pleasure in forcing toddlers. We can be kind and empathetic while holding a line. But sometimes giving a lot of attention to things in order to solve a problem simply exacerbates the problem. A lot of the time there is no magic solution. I think a lot of the time this narrative that children are "learning" that the tantrum is "worth it" is confusing because I've never followed that logic. I've never met anyone in my life who would actively choose to tantrum where a calmer way to communicate or act would work instead. I fully believe children tantrum because they feel it is their only option or because they have lost control of their emotions and are overwhelmed.

But it is true that you can end up making something into a big deal when it doesn't need to be out of accidental habit forming caused by spending a lot of time and attention on things which can just be done and moved on from.

Janet Lansbury is fantastic - she's not at all harsh or about wielding power over children, but she does recognise that children still need leadership. You used the example of a boss at work - if they started coming to you and asking you what decision to make when you didn't feel qualified, or stopped giving you tasks or instructions or feedback, but just said whatever you think is best, at least in every job I've ever had I think I'd run out of work or feel completely at sea about whether things were going well or not. We do need to be confident leaders of our children. They don't have the life experience and brain development we do. We have to make decisions for them. We can inform them and we can be nice about it but essentially it lies with us and it's unkind to put children in charge of things they aren't ready to make decisions about.

I do think most people naturally lean in a direction of either being too controlling (so advice on how to listen more to their child, be more positive, be more empathetic, say yes more etc is helpful for them) or they lean in the direction of being too empathetic in that they can sometimes get lost in what their child is feeling rather than how to lead. I'm definitely in this latter group. I don't need advice about how to be more empathetic, I need advice about how to hold a line when it makes my child upset, when to hold the line, how it's ok to say no, how to be confident in my own position rather than worrying that I'm squashing my child. They actually do need to be told (and at this age that means shown, because language isn't enough) that some things are non negotiable. That's part of life the same way that they learn to walk by falling over. They learn to assert their will by finding out when it works and when it doesn't, and it's not cruel for them to find out sometimes it doesn't. Nobody has suggested hitting or punishing the child except for one person suggesting telling off.

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I don’t disagree with anything you’ve said on how to manage things, but I do think there’s a glee in the tone of many posters about being ‘firm’ that does go beyond getting your teeth and getting it done. And some very patronising ‘oh bless you’s and ‘you’re the parent so parent’ type comments to a mum who is looking for ways to make an unpleasant process easier for herself and her child. I’ve seen it in schools that some people in a position of authority over children get a kick out of situations where they have to wrangle a screaming child into physical submission and i do see the same vibes in some comments on here sometimes.

BertieBotts · 22/05/2026 13:05

Oh completely agree about the glee being unhelpful. Sorry I kind of skimmed over that.

I think all I'm trying to say is that if (like me) you've been a bit more of a passive parent who had to learn the hard way or perhaps when someone is naturally a bit more the opposite way to me, seeing someone with a very young child who is reluctant to actually take charge of a situation can be a bit frustrating or surprising. Or it fits unhelpfully into a stereotype of "modern gentle parent has tried nothing and is all out of ideas" and I think people can then react to their idea of that stereotype, rather than the actual person writing the post.

IME someone struggling with stepping into their role as a leader needs more confidence in their ability to do well at this.

I think for people who find that kind of thing easy they don't really understand where the reluctance comes from, or don't see it as needing confidence but more see it as "Woman up and get on with it!"

Purplerain1144 · 22/05/2026 13:28

I have been here many a time with my now 3.5y old very strong willed girl. I have cried in car parks before trying to get her in the bloody thing! Some things that worked
She can choose a song when she gets in (frozen, nursery rhymes etc)
I got a bag of random stuff from the pound shop/flying tiger and she could choose a 'present' when she got in
Also just not going to where she wanted to go. Simple language 'no car seat, no swimming' and we would come back inside
I have resorted to forcefully putting her in before which is terrible but necessary when I need to go to work etc.
Remember everything is a phase
I remember thinking this was gonna be her forever but now she is really good at going in the car seat and it just happened on its own with perseverance
Good luck

Purplerain1144 · 22/05/2026 13:30

Also if its a battle either way id put her back in the RF seat!

dairydebris · 22/05/2026 13:45

Cant believe all the suggestions for bribing a child to get into a seat. Give the child a chocolate button for throwing a tantrum at having to get into a car seat? Ipad time?
Part of growing up is learning resilience to small challenges of every day. I know shes only 2- but you are literally telling her she can have a treat or some fun game if she does something that she absolutely has to do. It's a really poor message.
I'd sit her down and say, DD, its getting more difficult to get you into the car. You must wear your seat belt, for safely and because mummy will get in trouble if you don't. Please stop fighting me. I will be putting you in that seat regardless. I won't change my mind.
Then just put her in calmly and firmly, using force if necessary. Do not shout or become angry, but don't stop til shes strapped in and off you go. No rewards, no punishments, just in the seat you go.

Denim4ever · 22/05/2026 13:47

something subtle that might work is letting her get a bit bored at home. I can't remember how I managed thus now as DS is 20 so can't recall detail.

I do remember that if we were needing to go out in the buggy, I'd put it in the room in ready to go. Somehow he'd pop in after a bit and make departure without hassle happen.

OldCrohn · 22/05/2026 14:28

AutumnClouds · 22/05/2026 11:53

I don’t disagree with anything you’ve said on how to manage things, but I do think there’s a glee in the tone of many posters about being ‘firm’ that does go beyond getting your teeth and getting it done. And some very patronising ‘oh bless you’s and ‘you’re the parent so parent’ type comments to a mum who is looking for ways to make an unpleasant process easier for herself and her child. I’ve seen it in schools that some people in a position of authority over children get a kick out of situations where they have to wrangle a screaming child into physical submission and i do see the same vibes in some comments on here sometimes.

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You're the parent so parent comments are fair advice, even if people don't like being given that message. There are far too many children in this country being done a disservice through passive parenting where far too little is expected of them and then suddenly they are behind social norms and milestones. The point of asking questions is also sometimes for a breadth of answers, not just validation.

sapphire611 · 22/05/2026 14:49

I'm not sure if this has been commented already but have you tried getting a fit check on the car seat? Maybe it's not set up properly and it's uncomfortable for her? Don't go somewhere like Halfords though because they don't know what they are talking about. Try and find an independent car seat specialist and see if they will help? Or your retailer should help if you can send them pictures across?
Another option could be sitting her in the front? But only if she is rear facing and the air bag is turned off.

AlexaStopAlexaNo · 22/05/2026 14:53

This is when you physically put her in the car seat (using your strength) and ignore the tantrums. Car safety is not a choice.

Purplerain1144 · 22/05/2026 16:05

Those saying dont bribe.. the vast majority of people go to work to get paid do you not? Is this not bribery because its certainly the only reason I work 😅

MummyWillow1 · 22/05/2026 16:49

Car seat safety was always my one non-negotiable. You either sit in it and behave or we don’t go. One of the rare times I raised my
voice with my DD was when she unbuckled her car seat. I stopped the car, shouted at her and made her agree to never do that again before we set off again. She was only about 2 as well. She never did it again and was the seatbelt police all through childhood.

Peachie31 · 22/05/2026 17:11

Permenatlyworried · 21/05/2026 20:45

I totally understand what you’re going through and I sympathise. My son also went through a stage where he refused to go into the seat. I’ve broken down into tears in supermarket car parks many times over the past few months because he would not go in. I have a rear facing seat and it’s hard to get him in unless he complies because it doesn’t twist around like those 360 type ones. I’m terrified of hurting him with too much force, or twisting his leg/knee. He goes rigid and straight and will not go in for love nor money. The thought of hurting him makes me sick. He’s had a two head cuts from falling which needed gluing at a&e over the past 6 months and I’m terrified they will think I’m hurting him or something if he gets hurt from me physically forcing him into the seat. Luckily he doesn’t do it every time, snacks help but if he decides he doesn’t want to go in I have to sit in the back with him for awhile and coax him in. Don’t let anyone tell you should just force her in or that you’re a bad parent. They’ve obviously never dealt with this.

Just on your last point....

"They've obviously never dealt with this".

Yes, we have. At least most of us will have done. Toddlers go through stages like this, it's not unusual. I've got 3 and all 3 have had phases where I've had to wrestle them into their seats because it's non-negotiable. You just have to be firm and consistent with it.

Motherbear44 · 22/05/2026 17:35

Delphiniumandlupins · 21/05/2026 12:27

If the only times you have to definitely use the car seat are to take her to nursery because you're working, is she maybe making that connection? Even if she enjoys nursery she might be trying to turn a nursery day into a day you walk to the park, for example. And if you have suggested car seat sometimes and then changed your mind when she has protested she has learnt that making a fuss works. Does she go in a car seat in any other cars? As much as possible try not to be rushing when you're going in the car. Bribes are fine, either a chocolate button or a special toy just for the car. Also, do you still have her old car seat and could you put it back in your car? You could offer her a choice of seats and her favourite teddy could use the other one.

OP I do think you need to insist. Sounds like a bit of a power struggle. She was fine with the new chair and then went off it ??? Sounds like it is power not comfort she wants. However there are things you can do to make things easier.

I was also thinking about putting the old seat back in the car and asking her to chose the one to use to give her one sense of control.

I also thought that using the car for some short trips might help. Tell her that you can only go to “exciting place” if she gets in the car. If she chooses not to then she goes back inside and you are not stressed.

channel your lowest tone voice. No shouting. Just low and slow. A few chocolate buttons, favorite music and a sticker might work for a few times - and she learns that you mean business.

You might like to watch old episodes of Supernanny. You don’t need the naughty step - but thinking about how much energy you need to give to encourage good behavior might help.

Just a last thought - did she get lots of praise when the second seat was new - and now you have gone back to normal? Your behavior may have changed things. She might need you to bring more of a buzz to the car seat.

Good luck.

RP2211 · 22/05/2026 20:08

VT1388 · 21/05/2026 10:18

Help! My 22 month old is refusing to go in her car seat.

She was refusing her rear facing car seat so my husband and I got her a new forward facing seat about 6 weeks ago. Despite wanting to keep her rear facing for safety, we made the decision to change and she loved it. Didn’t have any issues for about 3-4 weeks.

Over the last 2 weeks she’s started to refuse to go in again. Whilst she’s advanced for her age and can speak well, she’s still a little too young to really talk so I have no idea why she hates it or try to reason with her.

She is also freakishly strong and I don’t want to hurt her trying to force her in to the seat

We have tried all the usual distractions and bribes with toys and foods and iPads etc. I’ve also tried to let her climb in herself. Nothing has worked and it’s stopping me from going out with the anxiety it’s causing.

Any suggestions would be gratefully received!

People aren't being judgemental, I think you're just struggling with hearing the truth.
You are the parent. You won't hurt her by putting her into the car seat. Calm voice but it's happening. The more authorative voice you have and you keep to it she'll just accept it.

HoppingPavlova · 23/05/2026 00:59

Lifestooshort71 · 21/05/2026 14:17

What a ridiculous response!

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No, it’s not ridiculous. What is ridiculous is bribing a child for something that is non negotiable from a safety perspective. Or, jumping through hoops and letting a 22mo dictate whether they use a car seat or not, and do whether you can drive anywhere. It’s where you need to step up, show them that no matter how much they carry on, that it’s non negotiable and they will get in the seat - the easy way or the hard way. And yes, have had several kids and some went through this so I do speak from experience.

becreca · 23/05/2026 07:35

Get the rear facing carseat back in the car and just get her in.

This is not something babies and young children have a choice in, and by pandering to her whims you are making this more difficult than it has to be.

Obviously don’t hurt her but sometimes you do need to restrain them and they will cry. Be the parent and just deal with it for the ultimate safety of your child.

Cakesquirrel · 23/05/2026 10:49

This is so tricky. My second was a screamer/wailer for years so I feel your pain! I'd try a trick I learnt from "How to talk to little kids so they listen" - give the car seat and/or straps a voice. Make them sound really sad that they haven't got a child sitting in them to keep them warm. In a silly voice: "Waaaaa, I'm so coooold! All I want is a lovely cuddly child to sit in me and warm me up!" etc. Then the straps chime in with "Yes, and we really want to do our cool click sound around your tummy and hug you tight! We love hugs!" This has had a 100% success rate with my now 6 year old since I started using it when she was about 3. It works like magic and can be used to get them to do a lot of things they don't want to. Putting on socks (socks are sad and cold), pooing/weeing on the potty (potty is hungry and wants to eat wee/poo!). If this doesn't work for the car seat I guess your child might have a genuine issue with it, eg feeling car sick/claustrophobic. My cousin's children both hate car journeys and scream the whole way. I do hope this helps, though!

Petrie999 · 23/05/2026 11:42

We had a phase of this. Similar to teeth brushing refusal. We tried a lot of things and fhe only thing that worked was waiting long enough for him to get bored. but ultimately I had to wrestle him in. He is big and strong but I was calm, even if I had to push/restrain him into it. He was hysterical for a few mins and I comforted him calmly from the back seat and explained why we need to go in our seat to be safe. It took two occasions of this and it was done. I do honestly think that by avoiding car journeys she is learning that refusal gets her what she wants. Some things cannot be refused and they need to know that you will do it for them. Now he's older we say give him the choice of getting in himself or us putting him in and then count to 3 and he always just climbs in. I know you aren't willing to be forceful but you aren't using force with an intention to scare or harm, you are doing it because it is necessary for safety and if other things fail. It is OK in my view for your child to be upset in that situation, all upset doesn't need to be avoided because it is unpleasant for us. It is how they learn non negotiables.

Dalston · 23/05/2026 11:42

VT1388 · 21/05/2026 10:18

Help! My 22 month old is refusing to go in her car seat.

She was refusing her rear facing car seat so my husband and I got her a new forward facing seat about 6 weeks ago. Despite wanting to keep her rear facing for safety, we made the decision to change and she loved it. Didn’t have any issues for about 3-4 weeks.

Over the last 2 weeks she’s started to refuse to go in again. Whilst she’s advanced for her age and can speak well, she’s still a little too young to really talk so I have no idea why she hates it or try to reason with her.

She is also freakishly strong and I don’t want to hurt her trying to force her in to the seat

We have tried all the usual distractions and bribes with toys and foods and iPads etc. I’ve also tried to let her climb in herself. Nothing has worked and it’s stopping me from going out with the anxiety it’s causing.

Any suggestions would be gratefully received!

Sorry what? You have much bigger problems than this if you’re going to allow a 2 year old to dictate what they will and won’t do. Bribery? Oh dear lord stop that right now, you are making a rod for your own back and creating a monster. Please grow a backbone and start setting boundaries and behaviour expectations for your child. Don’t give iPads to toddlers to placate them. All the research done shows it is incredibly bad for them which is why multiple countries have implemented bans and heavy restrictions on technology use for children, driven by concerns over mental health, sleep deprivation, and screen addiction.

Original poster

VT1388 · 23/05/2026 11:45

forgetfulpigeon · 21/05/2026 20:29

Someone has already mentioned that Smyth’s are not car seat specialists so it isn’t unlikely she’s fitted incorrectly. You’ve also mentioned you’re aware that rear facing is safer. I would suggest putting her back in a rear facing seat but in the front passenger seat with the airbag off. This will mean she’s safer and also might be happier to get in as she’s next to you. She might have a bit of separation anxiety going in the back.

I hadn’t even thought I could maybe do front seat but rear facing. That’s definitely worth an attempt as we still have the old seat and base. Thank you for a genuinely helpful suggestion. I thought all staff were trained to UK safety standards so it’s helpful knowing that might not be the case and the fitting she did may still be wrong. We obviously get her in and she’s safe when we have to but it’s definitely something I’m avoiding and walking when I can to make life easier.

OP posts:

Doone22 · 23/05/2026 19:25

Time to use your angry voice and scare the living daylights out of her unless you want this to be the pattern for your life

AquaShark · 23/05/2026 21:43

Pointedland · 21/05/2026 11:48

DC1 never really got on with car seats until she was about 4. We just opted to use the car less and walk more, and use the bus and trains. We still got out and about loads. I think she preferred it as we could be face to face and interact.

Same
We avoided unnessesary car journeys
Walked or used the trike instead en route to and after nursery - even though it was inconvenient - it was so much less stressful or painful for all

Op - you have my sympathy. Its so stressful and you dont want to unnessarily force your child. Have you tried a mirror with a rear view car seat? Music ? Tried different times of the day in the car to see if impacted by triedness / hunger? (Mine was hell at nursery pick up but better at other times)

luckylavender · 23/05/2026 21:46

VT1388 · 21/05/2026 11:41

Thank you. You’re the only one so far that has tried to helpfully make a suggestion. Unfortunately we’ve tried with Dada Nana and Grandad and even our dog but nothing has helped :(

She has immense strength and can make herself rigid. Yes, I’m stronger but I’m worried I’ll hurt her trying to not only get her hips down to sit but to then keep her from twisting or going rigid while I try and get the straps over her arms and buckled. It’s all too easy for people to say just do it you’re stronger than her but I’m scared of hurting her and I’m distressing her trying to wrestle with her. I needed tips not snarky judgement from people. So thank you for trying to help, I really appreciate it x

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You won’t be the first person to have to strap a rigid child into a car seat. What if you allow this to go on? What if you can’t get her to school in the future? I agree with the person who says some things are non negotiable.

Abricot1983 · 24/05/2026 11:46

Bring the car seat into the house and do role play with her and a teddy where she has to get the teddy in the seat. Ask her what would help teddy get into the seat. What does he need. Build up to her getting in the car seat next to him to help reassure teddy. Then have both your car seats in the car and repeat in the car. Do this when you don’t need to drive anywhere. Have a car picnic.

Utopiaqueen · 25/05/2026 07:24

MummyWillow1 · 22/05/2026 16:49

Car seat safety was always my one non-negotiable. You either sit in it and behave or we don’t go. One of the rare times I raised my
voice with my DD was when she unbuckled her car seat. I stopped the car, shouted at her and made her agree to never do that again before we set off again. She was only about 2 as well. She never did it again and was the seatbelt police all through childhood.

I was the same. My eldest used to do a very good impression of an ironing board at this age when going in his car seat for no other reason than he was at an age where he was starting to express autonomy. He was normally fine when we started going.

As said it above, it was either you're belted in or we don't go and it did normally have to involve me being authoritative (which I didn't get a kick out as some pp said some parents do) but no bribing, or sweets, or lengthy conversations or validating feelings. And it worked as the stage did pass very quickly!

22-month-old refusing car seat despite changing seats, any suggestions?

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