22-month-old refusing car seat despite changing seats, any suggestions?

[VT1388]

Help! My 22 month old is refusing to go in her car seat.

She was refusing her rear facing car seat so my husband and I got her a new forward facing seat about 6 weeks ago. Despite wanting to keep her rear facing for safety, we made the decision to change and she loved it. Didn’t have any issues for about 3-4 weeks.

Over the last 2 weeks she’s started to refuse to go in again. Whilst she’s advanced for her age and can speak well, she’s still a little too young to really talk so I have no idea why she hates it or try to reason with her.

She is also freakishly strong and I don’t want to hurt her trying to force her in to the seat

We have tried all the usual distractions and bribes with toys and foods and iPads etc. I’ve also tried to let her climb in herself. Nothing has worked and it’s stopping me from going out with the anxiety it’s causing.

Any suggestions would be gratefully received!

Could you get a toy car seat and make a game out of letting her put her doll or teddy in it beside her?
Google to see if there are any books for toddlers on sitting in a car seat?
Im not sure if she might be too young to link cause and effect in this way, but could you make a big deal of a trip to the part or play centre and obviously the consequence of not getting in the car seat is not going. ‘No park if you don’t go in your seat’. Don’t go on about it beforehand. When you open the car door and she starts to fuss about going in the seat, say it then. Matter of fact, she refuses you go straight back inside and say no park.
Bribery? As a last resort, her favourite snack for sitting nicely? It’s not ideal but it might do the job.

Could you try taking the seat into thr house and playing putting dolls or cuddly toys in there? My friend's child was car seat reluctant but eventually started sitting in it to watch tv.

I know exactly the rigidity you mean and it’s so hard!! When my son has done this I’ve started tickling his tummy. It makes him relax and be less stiff and rigid so I can start strapping him in and the humour and laughing snaps him out of the meltdown and I get him in. I also try to stay calm and fun and laughing despite the meltdown (as hard as that is!) as it really diffuses the mood

You could also maybe try instead of her favourite toys try special ‘car toys’. So something she only gets when she’s in the car and that might help entice her in as she gets it once she’s in the seat and strapped in

It's all the faffing about bribing and sweet talking and trying to negotiate and avoiding the car and walking that's escalating the situation. If you have to use the car, you put her in the seat and get on with it. When there's no response other than you ignoring it, starting the car and driving it, she'll lose interest. You've taught her that sometimes if she refuses it pays off with prizes, extra attention and not having to go in it. So it's worth making the effort all the time.

This was originally posted in 2011 - she just updated the graphic quality recently. It's all over the internet. In case you wanted to feel less alone! https://www.hedgerhumor.com/car-seat-shenanigans/

It’s really hard. I kept ‘car toys’ in the front seat. They were the really loud, annoying, flashing ones. DD wasn’t allowed one until she was sitting in her seat, then I’d ask her questions about it whilst she played and I slowly strapped her in without her noticing too much.

If she wasn’t playing ball I’d have to fold her in half and wrestle her in. If she hurt herself messing about that was on her.

They all have phases of not wanting to do what you need them to. Some ideas of what worked on my son:

Give independence - what music shall we listen to in the car? Would you like to bring a toy with you?
Give choices - do you want to climb in or shall I lift you?
Make it fun - I'm going to get in first! (Maybe daddy could help her race to get in before you?), have a mirror so she can see out the front and you can both chat about what you see on the journey
Distraction - oh i think i can hear the bin lorry coming up the street!
Consequences - come on, if we don't get you in your carseat (best friend from nursery) will think you aren't coming today/you'll miss breakfast/all your friends will get there first

Might be worth talking a little break from the carseat before starting again with a new plan. Also I'd go back to rear facing since you're having the same issues facing forwards.

we had this with our first child. Because I was absolutely terrified about everything and feeling guilty about everything as well, I moved her back to the baby seat (rear facing) and she was sitting in it in the house, then buckled up and carried to the car. It was a terrible distressing time for me personally but eventually, we were ok.
with our second born, it was helpful just moving in the front seat so she was near me or dad and it worked well. Good luck with everything, it is just a phase :)

Bless you, I have two older teenagers now but would not have put it with any refusing to get in a car seat age 2!!

you are theparent here and the one who is setting the guidelines for their future stability and management of the outside world. Trust me, if you give them a choice about whether or not they sit in a car seat at age 2, wait till I till they to secondary School!

I always find it weird how many people salivate over the opportunity to tell mums of toddlers off for not being callous enough. I don’t have any useful advice, sorry, but just wanted to say you sounds like a lovely parent who is obviously capable of being firm but also of trying to avoid unnecessary power struggles, and i hope some of the many actually helpful comments work for you! Taking notes for my future self.. I will definitely be getting a pack of chocolate buttons and a flashy car toy rather than working on my knee on stomach technique if required. I have a biscuit and nice music when I find work oppressive, and think that’s probably better for my morale than if my boss started wrestling me.

Personally I wouldn’t forward face for my childs preference as their safety is more important. My 3 year old is livid at rear facing as her six year old sister forward faces. I have explained the situation to her, how much safer it is, but ultimately it’s tough, It is my choice, not hers.
It must be really distressing for you to see her upset. However I wouldn’t be offering bribes, especially not tablets, you are making a rod for
you own back. My children have tablets, I am no angel! But the tablets are used for designated times inside the house and potentially outside too, they are not a reward.
I genuinely don’t think people are trying to be snarky. Letting small people control situations is a slippery slope. I have small children and sometimes I feel every day I am battling about something. They are learning, learning what they can and can’t do, where the boundaries are. I will try to explain and I always stay calm, but If I need to do something then I will.
I work in a high school and get scared when I see the result of parents who haven’t pushed through the battles. You will ring about a child always being absent from school and get ‘well they are 6ft and refuse to go, I can’t physically make them’. Obviously I can’t help but agree with this. However I always wonder when it was that that parent stopped battling with their child, when that child learnt that if they didn’t want to do something no one would make them. I know this is extreme example but the chances are they didn’t start with this problem, they have been letting things slide for years.
You won’t hurt her. Be firm and quick. I’m sure in a few months this will feel like a distant memory and she will have a new problem to test your patience (as all children do).
The only other practical advice I have is at 2 my daughter, who takes her favourite giraffe everywhere was gifted a car seat for him. Obviously he rear faces, due to his size 😂. We would strap him in the seat next to hers, or a doll if she wanted to cuddle him.
Also if you are only using the car for nursery now maybe there is an issue there? Worth keeping an eye on. My 3 year old loves nursery, goes 3 days a week. But after being with me for 4 days she isn’t keen to go. I think if this was the only time she went in a car there would be a kick off.
Maybe you could go somewhere fun that you would have to go by car. Explaining that this is the only way to get there. Even if you have to force her in, when you are there make a ‘oh isn’t it wonderful we have a car or we couldn’t come here’.
Keep battling, you will eventually win…then they will bring you a new battle!

No one is trying to knock you down. People are trying to tell you it’s ok to be forceful when necessary, when nice isn’t working and the situation is non-negotiable then you might need to use force. Make sure you leave more time so that you have more time to get her in the seat, and don’t give up she’s going in it one way or the other. Do that a few times and she’ll realise that this one is not negotiable.

Both of my children went through phases like this.
Some things that worked for us were making it into a game. So lift her up in your arms and sing Humpty Dumpty with lots of tickles and fun right outside the car. Do a couple of drops into your arms on the fall bit and then on the third or fourth time the drop is into the car seat. It'll happen before she even knows what's going on, quick as a flash. Do up the buckle and then worry about getting the arms through and straps straight once you've got your forearm right across the front of the seat as a barrier so she can't move forward. Similar with spinning round in your arms then in the seat, or tickles.
Immediately offer toy/book/snack to distract her once she's in.
Remind her, I know you don't like your seat. I love you, and I need you to be safe, so you have to go in it.
And it does work better to be consistent. Children thrive on regular rules, even if it doesn't seem like it. It really pays off to be firm but fair now, so that at 4 when she's too big for these tricks you've already set the groundwork that parents must be obeyed. Child doesn't have to like it, is allowed to express their upset and anger, but it's still happening.
I would suggest at no point do you engage in anything that might seem like negotiation.
I follow the principle of asking twice only. So I ask once very simply without persuasion or encouragement, I ask again and say I won't be asking a third time I will just do it, and then if still messing about, I pick child up and do the thing, whether it's car seat, teeth brushing or shoes on. Has really worked with my 2 and 4yos. Especially the older one definitely knows now that what mummy says, happens.
Put her back rear facing. It was the novelty of the new seat that worked, but now you know it doesn't really matter which to her she still hates it anyway, so she might as well be in the safer seat!

Perhaps put the old car seat back in and then she gets to choose which one she sits in today

They all do this!

I feel for you, my DS was the same for a while (I actually think, from talking to many other parents, that it is a rare toddler that doesn’t go through this phase). I generally agree with most PPs that the best approach is tickle until they go floppy, then quick and firm into the car seat. Then once she’s in, happy toddler-friendly music on the radio and away we go, screaming or no screaming.

I’m not sure bribery with buttons or anything else that could be perceived by her as a reward is a good idea. IMO, she could well connect the tantrum with getting a variety of rewards, which will prolong the behaviour. This clearly isn’t pleasant for her or you, so I think it’s actually kinder to her to do whatever is most likely to put a stop to the problem the quickest. Which is probably just teaching her that when it comes to getting in the car seat, it’s mummy’s way or the high way.

I would also (no judgement, I know it feels awful) be very determined to never give in and allow her to walk/not get in, not even once from now on. She needs to learn that if mummy says I’m getting into the car seat, I’m getting in. Even if 1 time out of 10 you relent and don’t make her- a toddler will still like those odds and consider resistance worthwhile in case this is one of those 1/10 times you’re going to give in!

Is it the car seat or the fact that she doesn’t want to go to nursery while you work?

sometimes what we see the behaviour is communicating isn’t what they are actually trying to communicate.

but posters are right. Sometimes we have to be firm because safety is a must and sometimes we have to do things because.

the trick is finding the middle ground and finding what works. I wonder if a visual timetable with somewhere she wants to go afterwards would help encourage her accept that she needs to go in the car seat even if she doesn’t want to.

As much as this is not helpful but comes from a mum of 7 so I’ve had some who have had no problem with car seats and others who have been just like this …….. it really is a simple case of she goes in end of. It’s not something you can really pander too or often reason with because they are too young to understand the concept of the car seat and why it’s needed. I would go down the zero tolerance route.

However, what I would do is minimise the risk of hurting. If you press gently or tickle the tummy they won’t be able to be as ridged making it easier to clip them in. This trick was given to me by my mum because I was terrible and ridiculously strong. Works Everytime. Good luck. Just remember all these toddler challenges do end she won’t be doing it when she’s 4 for instance you’ll have other challenges but not this one 🙈😜

She may have discovered that front facing is uncomfortable because her legs are dangling over the edge of the seat & she gets pins and needles. You can get footrests to fit on the pedestal, but I don’t know if they are crash-tested.

I agree with others who have said that safety is a non negotiable issue here. She has to go in, you must make her. But to make it a bit easier on yourself, make her laugh. Tell jokes, tickle her, do silly voices, whatever makes her laugh. While she’s laughing she can’t be doing that plank thing that toddlers are so good at. So the instant she laughs, you spring into action and get her buckled in quickly.

For sure. But as a (gentle leaning) mum of 3, your boss being nice to you works because you very likely learned quite early on in life that some things are non negotiable.

Nobody has to take pleasure in forcing toddlers. We can be kind and empathetic while holding a line. But sometimes giving a lot of attention to things in order to solve a problem simply exacerbates the problem. A lot of the time there is no magic solution. I think a lot of the time this narrative that children are "learning" that the tantrum is "worth it" is confusing because I've never followed that logic. I've never met anyone in my life who would actively choose to tantrum where a calmer way to communicate or act would work instead. I fully believe children tantrum because they feel it is their only option or because they have lost control of their emotions and are overwhelmed.

But it is true that you can end up making something into a big deal when it doesn't need to be out of accidental habit forming caused by spending a lot of time and attention on things which can just be done and moved on from.

Janet Lansbury is fantastic - she's not at all harsh or about wielding power over children, but she does recognise that children still need leadership. You used the example of a boss at work - if they started coming to you and asking you what decision to make when you didn't feel qualified, or stopped giving you tasks or instructions or feedback, but just said whatever you think is best, at least in every job I've ever had I think I'd run out of work or feel completely at sea about whether things were going well or not. We do need to be confident leaders of our children. They don't have the life experience and brain development we do. We have to make decisions for them. We can inform them and we can be nice about it but essentially it lies with us and it's unkind to put children in charge of things they aren't ready to make decisions about.

I do think most people naturally lean in a direction of either being too controlling (so advice on how to listen more to their child, be more positive, be more empathetic, say yes more etc is helpful for them) or they lean in the direction of being too empathetic in that they can sometimes get lost in what their child is feeling rather than how to lead. I'm definitely in this latter group. I don't need advice about how to be more empathetic, I need advice about how to hold a line when it makes my child upset, when to hold the line, how it's ok to say no, how to be confident in my own position rather than worrying that I'm squashing my child. They actually do need to be told (and at this age that means shown, because language isn't enough) that some things are non negotiable. That's part of life the same way that they learn to walk by falling over. They learn to assert their will by finding out when it works and when it doesn't, and it's not cruel for them to find out sometimes it doesn't. Nobody has suggested hitting or punishing the child except for one person suggesting telling off.

@RachTheAlpaca That’s not the law. Rear and front facing depends on weight, not age. If she’s more than 9kg using a category 1 seat, it’s rear or front facing. Personally I’d not use a front seat in the car due to numerous air bags, but in this case, it could help. If she’s having a tantrum though, it’s very distracting!

I see you've gotten alot of advice from all parties, I hope you find something that works.

As a ERF advocate I just came here to say if FF isnt helping, please consider rear facing again 😊 I personally wasnt aware of the difference in it, it should be much more wideley published but here are a few thay shocked me:

Recent study showed under the age of 4, children are 63% more likely to have survived a crash in a RF seat than FF seat.

At 30mph force on the neck for FF is up to 220kg vs RF which is up to 60kg.

Its saves lives so please consider the change! Hope you find something that works