CMS payments with 50/50 shared care for kids

[MyCandidTiger]

Hi,

My ex and myself are currently going through separation. We have 2 children under 9 and I was a stay at home mum for the past 8 years. Last year I got back into full-time work and this year we are separating.
We want to share custody and time with kids 50/50, which led me to believe I have no entitlement regarding CMS. I ran the CMS calculator and it told me even with 50/50 shared care for the kids he would still need to pay £457 / month.

He earns triple my salary and said: " if his finances allow he can support me". He thinks he doesn't need to pay anything.
I spoke to a family solicitor and they said legally it would not be enforceable for him to pay any CMS if we share 50/50. He said I should reconsider our 50/50 arrangement, which I don't want as it feels unfair to the kids and him. I want my kids to have equal time with both of us but my ex wants to split child costs 50/50 which is not sustainable for me given I earn 3x less.

Was there anyone in a similar situation and how did you solve this?
What's the legal situation here?

You can build a nice life for yourself and this can be your opportunity to build a successful career and rediscover what you want for yourself.

Yeah I'm already on a good career path. It was clear to me 4 years ago that I needed to get financially independent. So I studied and pivoted into another industry.

This is not accurate.

It's all brand new. When you are actually broken up for a few months in seperate houses that's when one of you will decide something else. Either you'll want the CMS or he might want less time etc.

If he's willing to 50/50 the costs I'd take it as on 29k afterschool clubs, events, breakfast club can end up costing you a fair amount.

Everyones different though, you'll work it out, but it wont be right now so don't sweat it too much.

Yeah I guess it's just coming to an agreement. He wants to split all child related costs 50/50 which I can't do. So he either pays what I can't pay or the kids don't go to clubs 🤷

Unfortunately that is the reality, you’re not functioning as a family unit anymore but rather as two separate units and so there are cost implications of that with activities, gifts etc. If he isn’t prepared to pay more, which he is well within his rights not to, then the solution is that everything is decided according to the budget of the lower earner and what they can afford to pay their half of.

This is it. If you don't need after school club, you don't pay. If you can't afford half of the horse riding lesson, they don't do it unless he will pay in full. You stick to what you can afford and he will have to either sub you or they don't do it. Be firm. You sound like you are on a good career path; you will be fine!

The important thing with this is that you should only ever book and put your name on something you need, or you’re willing to pay for.

Do not accept you booking anything and him paying you half, just in case he decides not to.

And also be very clear, in writing, if he books things then he is responsible for paying unless you agree, in writing, to cover half.

I know of 2 people personally who have claimed maintenance through the courts due to disparity in income as it was recognised that the children would be impacted by difference in lifestyle. That’s on 50:50 care. And i didn’t say it would happen. I said it could as in it’s not guaranteed but it does happen.

50/50 is not about splitting costs, it's about splitting the time the children spend with each parent.

Each parent provides for the children when they are with them. It's as simple as that.

So you don't split anything cost wise, you just each separately feed, clothe and house your children, provide childcare for outside of school and pay for your own activities, holidays, etc.

Also not true.
Why do people post with such confidence when they don't know what they're talking about?

Another thing to consider is he may not stick this out long term. My exh started with 3 nights and I had 4. Then it was eow and a night in the week. Then just once a month and by the time they reached teens it was sporadic.

your contribution would absolutely have been recognised as equal value and financially compensated if you were married, as a similar circumstance was for me when I divorced, but it sounds like reading the replies that as you weren’t married, you weren’t protected like that. I’m sorry for you there.

birthday parties etc., you set a budget of what you can afford. double it. if it's not enough they don't have a party of he tops it up
presents, buy your own each.
clubs, depends how your splitting custody - if set days you pay for your days and do what you can afford. he does the same. otherwise, see parties.

Thank you for your kind answer!

Yeah I wouldn't hope for this for the kids sake but who knows what will happen 🤷

What about their clothes, school uniforms, shoes, hair cuts, hobby supplies? If it’s truly 50/50 then all the costs for the kids, other than food you give them when they’re with each of you, should be split too surely.

My advice for what it's worth...call the CMS. Give them your numbers. They'll look at his last P60 and calculate. I agree based on £90k salary even with 50/50 he'd need to pay you £457. They'll write to both of you confirming what he needs to pay and when each month. I don't understand why he'd go after half the child benefit if you did apply to the CMS as all you'd be truthfully saying to CMS is he has them 50% of the time. If however, he does go after half of child benefit, that seems like a lot of work and would be pretty spiteful on his part (ultimately his kids lose out) as he'd pay it all back each month via his pay packet. Hopefully the CB hold music will put him off but if it doesn't you'd still have £457- half of c£170 net. My advice re presents etc is do your own thing as per your own budget. Don't ever get stuck in a situation eg where you've paid up front for things he said he'd go half on as out of spite or a misguided sense of injustice /entitlement (as I've found) he'll have no problem retracting offers to pay. Back to my original point, if his salary increases or he's paid a bonus, he won't tell you but CMS will take a look on the anniversary of your original claim each year and recalculate what's owed. Ultimately if he doesn't pay you can report it and they'd move to taking it from his pay and deduct something like 20% from him in admin charges (and 4%ish from you) so he'd be really stupid not to just pay you what they calculate. Tldr: apply to the CMS and do your own thing re presents, parties etc moving forwards

What you can do is stand firm on 50:50. Don’t let him cherry pick days. He needs to do the same mix of school days and weekends as you. He needs to cover the same proportion of school holidays. Unless he reciprocates, don’t help him with school runs, appointments, or child related preparation on his days. He needs to take on the time, the expense, and the mental load.

Will he actually turn into a great, hands on father? Some
do. You can’t control that.

What you can control is if you facilitate him dragging out the 50:50 arrangement when it is not truly in place. If he is failing, you have to let him fail so that the arrangement can change formally.

editing to add: failing in the sense of no issues or child safety. I’m talking about forgotten packed lunches, missed signatures on forms, not actual neglect.

You weren't married. You have to stand on your own two feet. If kids are shared he doesn't have to fund you.

Yeah considering he wanted to split all finances this month as we are technically not a family anymore I told him I expect him to do all child care and housework split now as well. That involves breakfast, dinner, packed lunch and the laundry and dishes. So this has already freed up 2 out of 5 workdays which is also not that bad for me, really. Quite enjoy these days!

Only one of you can claim child benefit and presumably you’ll be entitled to universal credit as well. So the difference in accessible money won’t be that far out.

Yes how would that possibly work. Say ex with high paid job takes child clothes shopping at Harrods and spends £1000 on clothes and OP just gets told she needs to hand over £500 when she'd have gone shopping at Asda spending £100. Would be terrible for low paid parent.

50/50 child care so why do you think you deserve money off him?
he could say the same about you.
the money is to look after the kids, not to fund your house or bills…

He wouldn't be funding me. He would fund his children having a similar living standard when they are with me. I can fund myself, no problem. I've always worked part time while being a stay at home mum to fund my own expenses while managing everything else.