Secondary school mobile/smart device ban - how are you handling this with DC?

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My DS11 is starting secondary school in September. His new school has introduced a smart device ban to take effect from this year.

DS does not have a smart phone. He is very upset today as his football team trained together for the last time and they were all swapping numbers. Understandably, he felt left out. Equally, there will be children leaving his primary that are not attending the same secondary school and he wants to keep in touch.

I have been speaking to some of the school Mum’s whose children already have a smart phone and they say their children will still take a smart phone to secondary but ensure it’s switched off and buried in bag. The school have prohibited them and they are not allowed on the premises.

I’ve just had a conversation with DS saying that him being upset and getting worked up at not having a smart phone is the exact reason why his Dad and I don’t want him to have one … although, I completely see his point.

I intend to go back to work full-time in September and whilst I work from home in the main, I will spend one or two days each week in the office and I would like to have some way of us being in contact between school finishing and getting home from work. I have suggested a dumb phone might be the way but he says what’s the point, I can’t talk to my friends on WhatsApp?

His Dad is over the moon with the ban; his words “at last! Common sense f’king prevails!’ but he only has DS one night a week and every other weekend and it’s me doing the bulk of the parenting.

I am so torn. Of course I see the downsides of smart phones and as an older parent (I’m 55) I didn’t get my first phone until I was 28 so it’s not as though I grew up with them but this is a different generation and I’m struggling with it.

For those of you in a similar situation to me, how are you handling these conversations with your DC? Are you standing firm? Do you agree with flouting the rules and letting DC hide phones in their school bag? I really do not know how to deal with this.

Sorry for typos, I can’t seem to go back and edit!

Are all his mates really using WhatsApp on a smartphone in Y6, or is he just telling you they are?

I know quite a few parents of children either in Y6 or Y7 now. I can't think of any who have smartphones that they carry with them. Most have bricks for walking to and from school, they use texts to message friends. Some do have smartphones at home. Some have a sort of halfway phone which doesn't have full internet access but does have some apps.

I wouldn't be allowing WhatsApp at 11 - they could literally be sent videos of anything, you've no way of controlling what someone else sends. Porn, extreme violence, Andrew Tate type stuff - all ends up clipped into videos and distributed via WhatsApp.

My Son had a similar set up, brick phone only.
overindulgent father and grandparents chipped in to get him a smartphone with WhatsApp so he could be in “family group chat”
this then escalated to a class group chat with constant messaging sometimes up to 1-2am! There was also a boys only group chat that consisted of continuous voice messages of 11 year olds screaming swear words and sending. The straw that broke the camels back for me was when “anonymous “ bullying began and a child from another school called at midnight and as a “prank”, threatened to climb in my sons window and stab him.
I removed the smartphone and only gave it back when he visited his Dad and reported the lot of them to the school. A great deal of children do not make smart choices with smart phones. And I say this as someone who deals with Years 5 and 6 on a daily basis 🙄

Do you have a tablet? Maybe he could have a brick phone for school and then WhatsApp installed on a tablet that you also have access to, so that he doesn’t miss out but you can also keep a check on what’s said.

Not at all relevant, but you're 55? That's amazing! I'm 54, my DC left home when I was 46 at 18 and 19. I'm always exhausted, how you have the energy is incredible. Go you!!

When DD1 started Secondary I advised (i.e told her) no group chats where she didnt personally know everyone.

She was added tk the Year group chat a few times and left within 30mins as she found it so distressing... constant messages, bullying etc.

She was the one who told DD2 not to get involved in it!

As sad as it is he will get left out if he doesn't have a smart phone. Unfortunately it's how things are nowadays,if you want him to have a social life I would get him a basic smart phone. My son is the same age and he has one,we have rules, it's not aloud upstairs,only charged downstairs at night time, he only has WhatsApp and kids YouTube,no other social media. I think it's quite easy to manage if you have rules in place. My daughter is 14, she had a smart phone at the same age and has the same rules still. I honestly think she would have lost her friendship group at the end of year 6 if she didn't have a phone as that summer was busy organising meet ups between them and part of gaining their independence before starting secondary. A lot of kids don't use old fashioned text message, I don't know why. He could leave it at home during the school day or see how he feels about leaving it in his bag turned off. Just have your rules and boundaries in place and if he doesn't oblige take it away.

Something I forgot to add to my comment, what I find the most annoying is that the All the Tech Bros are on record for not allowing their own kids to have mobile phones until they were 16.

Even now those who work in Silcon valley don't send their children to schools which have internet and some made their Nannies sign contacts assuring them that they will not use their mobile phones while looking after their kids.

I think it must depend where you live, my son and all his mates are 10-11 and they all have smart phones, most of them got one in the summer of year 5 as they start walking home without a parent in year 6.

I got a sim only phone contract for DS when he was leaving primary so he could swap numbers with friends and he had one of my old smartphones to use at home. Very heavily monitored and rules about use. We then got him a small brick phone for secondary and he switches the sims over when needed. It has been very useful if the bus is late etc.

I have mixed feelings about it all as there was a very quick separation between friends and family life but I suppose it was going to happen anyway with growing up. He did also experience some WhatsApp group chat bullying during Y7.

I don’t think there’s a right way to do it, but that was how we tried to find a middle ground.

I think it must depend where you live, my son and all his mates are 10-11 and they all have smart phones, most of them got one in the summer of year 5 as they start walking home without a parent in year 6.

DDs school handle this well. Kids can take phones to school, but they are all handed in at registration and handed back at the end of the day. That way - no phones in lessons, break or lunch - but still have phones for travelling to amd from school. Works perfectly.

WhatsApp groups full of kids are a nightmare. They are too young and happy to say things via message they wouldn’t say to peoples face. Gang mentality takes over, they can become very mean. It causes all sorts of upset and goes off all through the night. I am a teacher and they briny the arguments into school. Parents then want school to sort out these arguments when they shouldn’t have the app in the first place

My son is in year 7 and has a brick phone. We had a lot of pressure from him re WhatsApp at the end of year 6/starting year 7 -especially in joining a year 7 group with 100 plus kids we didn't know. We held the line and are so glad we did. He's made loads of friends, he texts if needed and has says he likes the fact he can come home and separate his life from school. He barely looks at the phone and can get on with just being a 12 year old. We felt that if the friendships were important, they wouldn’t be based on having a smart phone. There are a fair number of similar kids without smart phones. Im hoping we can hold off on social media long term.

I actually go against the general MN population here. I don’t think smartphones themselves are the problem. It is parents lack of engagement with their children over their use.

DD is grown up now but had a smartphone from Y7. It had strict parental controls and every time she asked for a new app we would discuss the pros and cons. WhatsApp is one we banned until she was 16 and needed it for her part time job. Snapchat is another that was banned for a long time. She did have Instagram fairly early though.

We encouraged her to let us know if anything felt wrong and she did.

Throughout secondary school the school also used smartphones as educational support and used quiz apps etc, all homework was also set via an app they were expected to use where they could see their deadlines etc.

She now has a healthy respect for technology, knows there are good and bad people online and knows not to believe everything that she sees.

When she turned 18 and all the parental controls got automatically disabled we were confident she would remain safe as she had learnt how. In fact a lot of the controls we had switched off over the last couple of years as we felt they were no longer necessary.

What I am saying is, get him the smartphone, set the controls. Do not install WhatsApp! That is the one that causes the most issues amongst kids as once you are added to a group chat everyone in the group chat can see your actual number and you then have to block the nasty ones on multiple platforms.

If school have said not to take them then leave it at home/power off in bag if needed for trip home (eg bus tickets).

This knee jerk reaction of banning kids from smartphones just smacks of lazy parenting to me.

Thanks @DinoLil 😂 and choosing to go back to work FT at almost 56 - it wasn’t part of the original plan but that’s life I suppose (and a whole different thread!)

I absolutely do not want my child to be left out; equally I do not want him to be bombarded with a tsunami of stupid and potentially damaging Year 7 chat on WhatsApp! Thing is, if everyone gets on board with the brick phone option, surely they’ll adapt and shift accordingly? Just a pity DS’ year is the first of the introduced ban so it’s all a bit of an experiment.

The school had considered the lockable pouch option but said they came at a
significant cost and did not resolve the fundamental issues and
problems that portable devices cause to a young person's mental health and wellbeing. They say if your child needs a phone for emergencies on their school journey, a brick will do.

Lazy parenting 🤣 well that's one way if looking at it I suppose...!

Really, 54 isn't that old. Most women of that age are working full time. It's entirely possible to have enough energy to parent effectively - and work - at that age, and beyond.

Anyone who thinks children are going to carry smart phones at the bottom of their bags (knowingly breaking a school rule) but never turn them on at school (because their mummy says they shouldn't) is beyond naive.

@Delphiniumandlupins well, exactly. And the school has already acknowledged this approach hasn’t work for them, hence the outright ban.

So are the school trying to tell parents not to allow their children to have a smart phone at all? Or heavily encouraging it?

If the school is dping this in response to problems, not just legislation, it would be naive to presume they wont be enforcing it with checks etc.

@TakeALookAtTheseSwatches my take on it is that they don’t want it on their watch which includes travel to and from school and during school hours. As other teachers on this thread have already pointed out, a lot of school learning time is wasted due to dealing with the fall-out of what goes on with smartphones from petty squabbles to serious safeguarding issues. Whilst they are pushing out the negative effects of smart devices they are not suggesting a ban on them at home - I suppose because they can’t actually do that. They are keeping the parents informed of the downsides and, I assume, hoping they make the ‘right’ choice based on the information.

I am no lazy parent otherwise I wouldn’t have started this post in the first place and it’s interesting to read the differing opinions. I think my DS at 11/12 can do without WhatsApp but maybe at 13/14 that will change. He’s quite savvy but there is still a lot he doesn’t know about the world and I’d like to keep it that way for the moment.

Why not let him have a phone outside school? I honestly don't see why the school ban means he has to be the only dc who can't stay in touch with his friends for school and football.

I also didn't have a phone until I was in my twenties, but the world has changed a lot and I think it's obvious that he'll be isolated. And, I'm not sure WhatsApp is wildly different from the messaging boards I did use in my teens.

One child at DS’ school showed him a photo he had taken of a stain he left in the toilet 🙄 and this child will soon be let loose on a Year 7 chat group.

Oh, that's nothing to what I've seen. Many students just don't have boundaries. If the phone is switched off and at the bottom of their bags, we used not to worry, but now they secret them into their pockets and use them in the toilets.
It's ridiculously time consuming and there is some very serious misuse which parents seem completely unaware of.