8 year old DD very overweight

[nothernermomma]

Hi all, this is my first time posting but would really appreciate tips or advice to help my youngest DD lose weight.

I have three children, DS who is 11, DD1 who is 9 and DD2 who is 8. DD2 has always been chunkier but not considered overweight. In the last year, she has gained a lot of weight and I originally put it down to hormones but I’m doubtful this is the case.

She has only just turned 8 but now weighs around 8 stone. She is 128cm tall and wears either aged 14-15 clothes or an adults size 12. The weight is very noticeable as she has lost definition in her face, has a double chin and several rolls of fat on her arms and stomach.

As a family we eat well but DD2’s issue are around constantly taking treats I.e stealing them or sneaking them out of the cupboards. She faces consequences everytime this happens and I cannot completely ban treat foods as this would be unfair on my other children. If DD2 was left to her own devices then she would eat everything in the treat cupboard. She also has a tendency to take treats from family members and friends homes to the point that people have stopped inviting her round because of this. When DD2 asks why she isn’t being invited, I don’t have the heart to tell her the truth so I explain to her people are busy at times.

DD2 also faces relentless teasing from peers at school. This all began in year 3 last year when she started gaining weight. At first, it was name calling like ‘pig’, ‘fatty’, ‘porker’ and other horrible names. The other children have turned it up a notch this year and started poking her belly, slapping her belly and continuing to call her names alongside this. Her teacher has been told on multiple occasions but nothing seems to be shifting.

I have tried making subtle attempts to try and get the family moving so she doesn’t feel isolated. DD2 likes going to the park and enjoys swimming but doesn’t enjoy this for a long period of time. I have also tried signing her up to after school clubs but she is not interested.

Things come to a head last night because DH’s DD (my DSD) came for dinner as per arrangements and they baked together making a batch of 24 cupcakes. When DSD’s mother came to collect her and DD2 was left to her own devices, I was shocked to enter the kitchen and found her to have eaten 9 of the cupcakes. This was after porridge for breakfast, food at school and then a roast dinner for tea. I tried using the nurturing approach of explaining how bad it is to eat that many cupcakes whilst also implying that this was unkind as DH and DSD had made these. DH heard the conversation and rather sternly said to DD2 that she was going to ‘eat herself to death’ and shown her a video of those overweight American toddlers you see online. DD2 was obviously distraught and DD1 had heard the commotion and came downstairs and called DD2 a fat pig.

I am genuinely lost as to what to do at this point so any ideas please send them my way!!

Can you eliminate all the junk snacks from the house? No need for crisps, biscuits or chocolate. I have never routinely had these in as not v disciplined. Even with children. Is she v active?

Are you sure she's 8 stone? That's twice the average for that age. I think you need professional advice, have you started by seeing the GP?

Baking is fun but I would be guiding them to an activity which isn't food based. 24 cakes??

I'm so sorry to hear your DD and you are going through this. I was an overweight child and it was an awful experience. I would hate to see my child go through the same. I do remember my mum trying gently to encourage me to eat fewer snacks and treats but honestly, in retrospect, I think it was unfair to expect that at 7-10 years old, I would have sufficient impulse control to limit my own consumption. It sounds like possibly your daughter has a very sweet tooth, coupled with poor interception (not having strong signals to tell her she's full). I do understand your worry that it's not fair on the others, but your daughter's health and self esteem are at stake. Please stop buying sweet and treat foods.

GP first to establish whether there is a medical
reason given the weight gain seems to have happened so quickly, suggest keeping a diary to log everything she eats. Assuming nothing concerning found, you HAVE to stop buying snacks and treat food - you or your dh can take the older ones out individually for an afternoon and treat them to an ice cream
if you want. I think you also need to be truthful as to why no one invites her.

Do you know what a good diet looks like? Ask your GP for a dietician referral if you’re not sure. But she needs you to stop facilitating this. She’s 8, you are the one whose food has done this. Stop pussy footing around - insist on long family bike rides, long football games in the park. Subtle isn’t working.

I think you do have to ban snack foods for the whole family, unfortunately, and gradually implement portion control. Has she been to the GP to rule out anything medical causing this? It sounds as though the weight gain has been fairly rapid?

Yes she’s massively overweight. This is very serious indeed and will affect every area of her life unless you get to grips with it asap. You can’t buy any junk food at all or have any treats in the house that she could steal for the foreseeable future. I’d also probably suggest professional help to get to the root cause of it as it isn’t normal. Kids can be v cruel and she will be picked on and isolated which in turn will make what is probably comfort eating worse.

Have you been to see your GP with her, or paid for a dietician yourself? You can’t tackle this alone. You need guided support with this, and you will need to actually follow the advice.

I’d start by getting rid of the snacks or locks on the cupboards. And stop lying to her. If she was stealing toys from other people’s homes and they stopped inviting her and then she asked you why, you would say “they don’t want you in their house because you keep stealing toys.” So you need to tell her that she isn’t allowed to play at friend’s houses because she steals food.

You need to make healthy meal plans which stick to the calories she is to have, and you watch her like a hawk to keep her away from food. She has limited access to junk in primary school so you need to sort it now, because in high school, she can go buy whatever she wants.

An 8 year old does not get to 8 stone because of a few extra snacks so this is on you. You need to limit her portions instead of filling her up, and no snack access. And she doesn’t get a choice about swimming or activities - she does, end of story.

You said your step daughter came last night for dinner and your kid ate 9 of the cupcakes after food at school then a roast dinner. How did she have food at school yesterday, a Saturday?

Is she properly hydrated? Try to get her to drink water as regularly as possible. She could be mistaking hunger for thirst. I agree that treats will likely need to go. I’d just sign her up for the after school clubs as it will make sure she is moving more, don’t present it as a choice. I also agree that a GP visit is worthwhile, a sign of diabetes can be excessive hunger (not saying this to worry you but it is worth speaking to a professional to rule anything out).

You may need to get the whole family out walking or cycling. This can depend where you live though, I’m fortunate to live by the coast, we did 17K steps yesterday with DD9 just walking along the coast and DD also played in parks etc on the way.

She won’t be immune from the hurtful comments. Frame conversations around being healthy and nutritious rather than good or bad.

You’re doing the right thing by seeking advice.

I could have cried reading that about your DH showing those videos and DD1 with the name calling. She's 8 for goodness sake.

Call the GP, ask for a referral to dietetics.

Thank you all for your comments so far. I
definitely need to step up and be more firm and realistic. @SnappyQuoter just realised I put last night! Was meant to say Friday night but had clearly got my days mixed up.

I think tomorrow I need to look at everything and really kick things into shape.

Have you considered junior park runs? They are good for the whole family so won’t be targeted at just her. My friend noticed her 7yo was gaining weight so signed them all up for it and it’s definitely helped.

I think you are going to have to ban snack foods from the house unfortunately or hide them at least for the time being.

Your other kids don’t “need” treats in the house, nobody really needs these types of food. We don’t buy snacks but we do occasionally get the kids a cake or something in a cafe. In the house it’s fruit, yoghurt, crackers, rice cakes, babybels… these are all snack foods but are lower in sugar. I think given her weight you need to look at meal composition and portion size as well. My kids would live on carbs if they could but really half of their plate is meant to be vegetables. I only give mine half a sandwich at lunch for example, bulk up the plate with chopped fruit and veg. Pasta they get a ladleful and they have carrot and cucumber sticks alongside. It’s likely more than just the snacks given how bad it is, and you may have just been blessed with other children who are naturally slim and not realised the meals are too carb heavy.

You really do need to go and get help for planning meals and portion sizes for her, because she must eat very large portions which means you will maybe have lost sight of what is an appropriate amount for her. You won’t make a dent in this until you sort out the food she is eating everyday with you as a family. This isn’t just snacks.

It’s going to be hard because she is used to have all that food, and you’re going to now be serving her the correct amount (as advised by a professional). So you can’t do this alone. It’ll cost a bit but you need to pay for a consultation with a dietician, and help with meal planning. It’ll be a very long wait for NHS help with diet. Go to the GP for her health - diabetes check etc. But you don’t have time to wait for diet help as you have a very unhealthy 8 year old.

Very good initiative but one 2K run a week is not going to outrun a week of poor eating and inactivity.
She needs to be moving everyday and getting rid of all junk, even if the others have to go without for a while.

It was the normal weight stepdaughter doing the baking, not the child OP is describing.
As part of an otherwise healthy lifestyle this is a fun bonding activity to do with her dad.

Also how do you get to school / how far away do you live from school? Realise this might not be possible for you but if you can see if you can get her walking or cycling to school if it’s more than a 5 minute walk.

Obviously if you have to drive her to school every day due to living too far away then ignore.

Also cycle rides as a family, my two moan about bike rides but I usually offer an incentive at the end, so you’d have to think of an appropriate non food related one for her

You need to ban treats from the house, the other kids don't need them and if they want they can go to the shop and get something and eat it out of the house.

You need to come down on the bullying like a ton of bricks, her sister calling her a fat pig is disgusting. With the horrific bullying at school too she's probably comfort eating.

My heart breaks for her. You really should take her to the Dr, she's massively overnight, there may be a medical reason.

What activity does she do each day?
You say she’s just turned 8 but Year 3 last year? Was that a typo?
I think you need to be firmer. I would explain to her why people don’t invite her round. Taking food from other people’s houses is age appropriate for an 8 year old to know it’s wrong.
I’m also shocked she wasn’t spoken to firmly after eating 9 cupcakes.

I’m not saying it is, other people have come up with other ideas, a park run is one of many things to try to get the OP’s dd more active.

DH heard the conversation and rather sternly said to DD2 that she was going to ‘eat herself to death’ and shown her a video of those overweight American toddlers you see online. DD2 was obviously distraught and DD1 had heard the commotion and came downstairs and called DD2 a fat pig.

If this really happened your family dynamics are extremely troubling. What adults watch videos about overweight toddlers? I've never had anything remotely like that cross any social media feed I'm on.

The treat cupboard needs to go.

But I think there is more to this. The quantities she is eating at one go (e.g. 9 cupcakes) are grossly abnormal and indicate a possible metabolic element. An adult would struggle to eat that.

I do think it would be wise to take her to the doc for a full assessment. Make sure you tell him the quantities that she will down in a sitting.

I'm sorry but the issue seems to be that you aren't standing up for your child

Okay so she is fat... and? Is she not still human? People touching her stomach and bullying her is fucking nasty, and you need to get down the school and make them sort it

Speak to the gp without her hearing and explain the weight gain and ask them for advice/testing

She is not a freak of nature or an evil person just because she ate 9 cupcakes. Shes your child who has gained weight

Youre standing by while her own family bullies her and excludes her and saying 'she needs to lose weight'

You need to lose some people who think its fucking okay to treat a kid like that

Fight for your kid, make her know that she is loved and protected and youre going to help her sort this out so that she is happy.

I agree with others about getting all the junk food out of the house. But I also think you need to realise she has an eating disorder whether it's driven by mental health needs or a metabolic imbalance. So I think a GP visit (and not letting them fob you off) is a priority too.

Your poor daughter. She is being constantly bullied at school, called pig, fatty, hit and slapped on her belly and all you’ve done is let the teacher know. The teacher knew before you did! You need to defend your child and get the bullying stopped or put her in a different school where she won’t be bullied.

Home isn’t much better with siblings bullying her, you not giving them any consequences for it but quietly justifying it by telling her how she is actually fat and she shouldn’t eat so much. Your DH takes the cake by terrifying her with you’re going to die and showing her inappropriate videos.

No wonder she is reaching for comfort foods. She must feel like a complete unlovable freak.

Please take her to the GP to see if there is a metabolic/medical issue - ie PCOS, get the help of a dietician and put the whole family on it, get her a mental health therapist because all those years of bullying will take years to overcome even if it all stops today. Get the temptations, treats out of the house. Help her discover something else in her life that gives her the same comfort and dopamine as food. Focus on fun, not things that burn calories.