8 year old DD very overweight

[nothernermomma]

Hi all, this is my first time posting but would really appreciate tips or advice to help my youngest DD lose weight.

I have three children, DS who is 11, DD1 who is 9 and DD2 who is 8. DD2 has always been chunkier but not considered overweight. In the last year, she has gained a lot of weight and I originally put it down to hormones but I’m doubtful this is the case.

She has only just turned 8 but now weighs around 8 stone. She is 128cm tall and wears either aged 14-15 clothes or an adults size 12. The weight is very noticeable as she has lost definition in her face, has a double chin and several rolls of fat on her arms and stomach.

As a family we eat well but DD2’s issue are around constantly taking treats I.e stealing them or sneaking them out of the cupboards. She faces consequences everytime this happens and I cannot completely ban treat foods as this would be unfair on my other children. If DD2 was left to her own devices then she would eat everything in the treat cupboard. She also has a tendency to take treats from family members and friends homes to the point that people have stopped inviting her round because of this. When DD2 asks why she isn’t being invited, I don’t have the heart to tell her the truth so I explain to her people are busy at times.

DD2 also faces relentless teasing from peers at school. This all began in year 3 last year when she started gaining weight. At first, it was name calling like ‘pig’, ‘fatty’, ‘porker’ and other horrible names. The other children have turned it up a notch this year and started poking her belly, slapping her belly and continuing to call her names alongside this. Her teacher has been told on multiple occasions but nothing seems to be shifting.

I have tried making subtle attempts to try and get the family moving so she doesn’t feel isolated. DD2 likes going to the park and enjoys swimming but doesn’t enjoy this for a long period of time. I have also tried signing her up to after school clubs but she is not interested.

Things come to a head last night because DH’s DD (my DSD) came for dinner as per arrangements and they baked together making a batch of 24 cupcakes. When DSD’s mother came to collect her and DD2 was left to her own devices, I was shocked to enter the kitchen and found her to have eaten 9 of the cupcakes. This was after porridge for breakfast, food at school and then a roast dinner for tea. I tried using the nurturing approach of explaining how bad it is to eat that many cupcakes whilst also implying that this was unkind as DH and DSD had made these. DH heard the conversation and rather sternly said to DD2 that she was going to ‘eat herself to death’ and shown her a video of those overweight American toddlers you see online. DD2 was obviously distraught and DD1 had heard the commotion and came downstairs and called DD2 a fat pig.

I am genuinely lost as to what to do at this point so any ideas please send them my way!!

I was an overweight child (I’d say from a similar age) up until my mid teens.

I wish my mum had stepped up more and been more realistic to me. I would definitely have enjoyed my teen years a lot more as a result. I too couldn’t self regulate my eating - I would eat several chocolate bars at a time and nobody stopped me

Because I’d never learnt how to eat a balanced diet, I suffered terribly from an eating disorder once I started dieting at 16. For years. Because I wanted results there and then. I went from an adult size 16 at age 16 to a size 6 within a few months

Much better to nip it in the bud now than for it to continue on. But you simply cannot show her things like ‘overweight kids who are on the verge of eating themselves to death’ - her home needs to be her safe place. As an ex overweight child, my home was my safe place when I felt like the rest of the world judged me

If you are encouraging her, you all need to be on the same page. All active, all having no treats (or swap for healthy ones). Perhaps encourage her to help plan the family’s menu or cooking

A rewards board might also be an idea - weight loss means she can have new clothes, new trainers, a new toy, a beauty treatment perhaps - no food rewards

Agreed! @Dolphinnoises sounds like a very good approach.

Thank you. I called it the “not particularly nice food diet”. Nice enough food - nothing they dislike, just nothing super-exciting. It works very well on kids when they’re young enough for you to have total control.

The word fat was not mentioned and greedy is a word that is easily understood by children. It is addressing the behaviour and not the child, which is crucial. A comment along the lines of "what a shame. There were 24 cakes, enough to be enjoyed by all of us for a few days and you have eaten nine of them in one go. This is very greedy and unfair on everyone else. You will not be allowed to eat any more." Childhood obesity is a terrible problem in this country and we need to address the source and not avoid the issue. She is not stupid and knows she has a problem. Other children bullying her about it is unacceptable but, even here, there are ways to talk about it: "yes it is not nice that other children are calling you nasty names and they will be punished for it but you do have a problem with your weight and we are going to do something about it. We are going to ask the doctor for some help and we are going to eat more healthily as a family because we have all been getting into some bad habits. We are going to take more exercise, too." I would also enrol her in some classes. Swimming would be the best exercise but also dancing, gymnastics or martial arts are good.

How about “eating mindfully”? (I don’t actually like that term, but I think that’s the one people use for this). So every time she’s eating, whatever it is that she’s eating, she is sitting down at a table (or you know, on the grass / park bench if it’s an afternoon snack). No eating while watching TV, in the car, on the bus, no wandering around playground with cereal bar in hand. We can better pay attention to our hunger and fullness cues when we’re not multitasking. I’d make your first goal to eliminate sneaking food and therefore eliminate the shame that comes with that. Say to her that sneaking food isn’t ok as that’s something people do when they’re feeling sad and it can make them sadder; also, explain that parents need to know how much food is in the house so there’s enough for everyone. She can tell you when she’s hungry and you will choose a snack together. Now that you’ve told her this, sneaking food will not be allowed (because of the sneaking itself, not the consumption).

This also crossed my mind.

One thing to do quickly, one thing to do gradually!
The first thing is to get the bullying stopped! This will be a cause of her comfort eating! You get thst stopped at home TODAY and you arrange a meeting at school TODAY. It is absolutely unacceptable for anyone yo be calling her names, let alone slapping and poking her.
Never ever mention her weight to her again.
She will be very very addicted to sugar at this point, so you need to reduce that gradually over a coupke of weeks or so, otherwise she will feel awful. Make diet substitutions gradually - one thing at a time. Ditto exercise. It will be difficult for her to move at first, but build thst up slowly too to avoid injury and make it a pleasurable experience, not an ordeal.

Along with the augmentation of diet, removal of treats from the home, structured activity, consultation with a GP, and meeting with the school, I would suggest suggest measuring your children's weight in kg as opposed to stone.

We tend to round up or down with stones, and with a single stone being 6.3kg, a child (or adult, in fact) can be well into the underweight or overweight category before the next stone marker has been hit. By that time, the behaviours that drove them there have become entrenched and require a lot more effort and a more involved intervention to correct than if that trend had been identified at the 1-2 kg gain/loss point.

This is especially true at 8 years old when 1 stone/6.3kg is 1/4 of the bodyweight of a 25kg healthy child, so waiting for the next stone to be hit may risk a child going from healthy to overweight, or healthy to obese without parental intervention.

I hope my reply wasn't construed as nasty, but first of all, I'm extremely skeptical that this is true. The idea that more than one adult would stop inviting an 8 year old round because they're taking food and tell the parents is bizarre and frankly, not that believable.

But if it is true, the OP is allowing a young child to be bullied, both at school and at home. The girl is being emotionally abused and the OP is waving her hands in the air. What kind of father has videos of 'those overweight American toddlers you see'?

It's either a piss take windup or the entire family needs some serious therapy.

What sort of treats and in what quantities is she eating to get to that sort of weight at her age? Have you really not sought any medical support before ?

It is just hard to fathom how this can happen? My 7yo DD is a bottomless pit, has a pudding every day, snack after school etc and is 4 stone. How many treats must it take to get to double that?

If your child had a friend who constantly asked for or took food every time they came round to your house I don't think it is that unbelievable that you'd avoid inviting them! Would be highly annoying.

In fact a neighbour that DD plays with isn't allowed many treats at home and she used to come round and we'd here her constantly whispering to DD to get things out of the cupboard. We don't even have loads of sweet treats it was just crisps and malt loads 😂 it was very irritating and now they're only allowed to play in the garden or out the front

9 cupcakes in one go! OP, this isn’t primarily a diet issue, there is highly likely something medical going on. please go to the GP, and don’t let them fob you off.

It’s not an’ fun bonding activity’ if one of the children is morbidly obese and really should not be eating cakes. In fact, it’s bordering on cruel if she is then forbidden from eating what has been baked.

But it wasn't the overweight child doing the baking!
It was her heathy, normal weight stepsister. No issue at all with her doing it. You wouldn't stop one child riding their bike because another had a broken arm and couldn't join in.
The overweight child was just the one gorging on the results when the adults' backs were turned.

Rewards board would have done nothing for me. Had a critical mother telling me I was fat then huge portions that I had to eat all of it it would be a waste. Very mixed messaging.

I read it as the dsd and obese child were bonding by baking together?

How did you read it like that? The OP literally said the step daughter was baking with OP’s husband - the step daughter’s dad. It was a fun activity for dad with the daughter he doesn’t live with. Then when that daughter’s mum came to collect her, overweight daughter went into the kitchen unsupervised and ate almost half of them to herself.

It doesn’t. It says her dh’s dd came over and THEY were baking. She doesn’t clarify who she meant by they so it’s ambiguous.

Regardless, it’s probably something they should avoid for now unless the OP’s dd2 is out of the house.

So now it’s not the Dd who was baking, but the DSD and DH - isn’t that just as bad though? DD can’t join in with baking for some weird reason and gets told off for eating cakes too? Your comparison with riding a bike is laughable. Would you plan a family bike ride but leave one child at home because of a broken arm, or would you plan something you can all do together?

Not bad at all
Why shouldn’t she have 1:1 time with her dad? That is important in blended families.
And she should be able to share the cakes round, maybe take some home for her mum and school friends, not have her step sister shove 9 of them in her mouth without asking.

no she can’t join in as it’s their time and she is told off as she did it without asking, taking way more than is normal.