8 year old DD very overweight

[nothernermomma]

Hi all, this is my first time posting but would really appreciate tips or advice to help my youngest DD lose weight.

I have three children, DS who is 11, DD1 who is 9 and DD2 who is 8. DD2 has always been chunkier but not considered overweight. In the last year, she has gained a lot of weight and I originally put it down to hormones but I’m doubtful this is the case.

She has only just turned 8 but now weighs around 8 stone. She is 128cm tall and wears either aged 14-15 clothes or an adults size 12. The weight is very noticeable as she has lost definition in her face, has a double chin and several rolls of fat on her arms and stomach.

As a family we eat well but DD2’s issue are around constantly taking treats I.e stealing them or sneaking them out of the cupboards. She faces consequences everytime this happens and I cannot completely ban treat foods as this would be unfair on my other children. If DD2 was left to her own devices then she would eat everything in the treat cupboard. She also has a tendency to take treats from family members and friends homes to the point that people have stopped inviting her round because of this. When DD2 asks why she isn’t being invited, I don’t have the heart to tell her the truth so I explain to her people are busy at times.

DD2 also faces relentless teasing from peers at school. This all began in year 3 last year when she started gaining weight. At first, it was name calling like ‘pig’, ‘fatty’, ‘porker’ and other horrible names. The other children have turned it up a notch this year and started poking her belly, slapping her belly and continuing to call her names alongside this. Her teacher has been told on multiple occasions but nothing seems to be shifting.

I have tried making subtle attempts to try and get the family moving so she doesn’t feel isolated. DD2 likes going to the park and enjoys swimming but doesn’t enjoy this for a long period of time. I have also tried signing her up to after school clubs but she is not interested.

Things come to a head last night because DH’s DD (my DSD) came for dinner as per arrangements and they baked together making a batch of 24 cupcakes. When DSD’s mother came to collect her and DD2 was left to her own devices, I was shocked to enter the kitchen and found her to have eaten 9 of the cupcakes. This was after porridge for breakfast, food at school and then a roast dinner for tea. I tried using the nurturing approach of explaining how bad it is to eat that many cupcakes whilst also implying that this was unkind as DH and DSD had made these. DH heard the conversation and rather sternly said to DD2 that she was going to ‘eat herself to death’ and shown her a video of those overweight American toddlers you see online. DD2 was obviously distraught and DD1 had heard the commotion and came downstairs and called DD2 a fat pig.

I am genuinely lost as to what to do at this point so any ideas please send them my way!!

I agree with the comments about seeing a doctor but I also think that you should tell her why she is not allowed to play at her friends' houses. You should tell her that she was stealing their treats. I think you should make it clear that she must ask you if she wants to eat something and that she is not allowed to ask for anything other than a glass of water at someone else's house - she must wait to be asked. I agree that a treats cupboard is unnecessary but you could have one day a week when all three children can have sweets. If necessary, you will have to put locks on the food cupboards to stop her helping herself. Eight stones at the age of eight is extremely obese.

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be overly frank but it sounds like your daughter is an obsessive overeater. My daughter was exactly as you describe. We took the issue to her pediatrician and he advised getting rid of the household scale and prescribed her a girl’s body image group run by two women therapists. We did everything that was recommended.

She still came of age with an eating disorder. I’m telling you this because this may not be something some exercise or simple calorie reduction is going to solve. How you all behave now might have a large impact on her life. It may be best if you seek professional advice for her at this stage.

You are wise to consider the impact the other children in the house. It can be very disruptive for them. We finally had to provide our son a foot locker where he could the keep much needed snacks a growing boy depends on.

So sorry you have to go through this. But if you take this seriously now your daughter will be better for it.

In regards to friends houses, why can’t you have a chat with their mum or dad and tell them no treats for her? Hide the foods etc.

It seems cruel to isolate her from the few friends she does have and tell her she’s not being invited because she is taking treats aka being a piggy. You and her friends’ parents are the adults, surely you can arrange things sensitively such that she can go on a play date and not be tempted to eat junk food? Treat it like a child with a food allergy…you talk to the parent and say please put away in a secure place everything my child is allergic to.

Any reasonable parent would be happy to help and if they aren’t, then invite her friends to your house.

And have you not at any point considered taking her to the GP?
Her home life sounds awful from this post alone, Christ who needs enemies with a dad and a sibling like hers. Then she goes to school and gets it both barrels.
Shame on you, you should’ve done so much more, so much sooner. This doesn’t happen overnight.

I would get all if the junk food or of your house immediately. Your other kids will be upset, but they will get over it.

My 8 year old is also just over 8 stone. But she is the height of an average 11 year old. Her pediatrician encourages good eating and exercise but she has been these percentiles since birth. Because of the height its not as obvious to the naked eye but it makes me so sad seeing her next to her classmates and knowing the bullying will come. We try to do a "treat day" only one day a week and she looks forward to that more than snacking constantly. She loves to be active too.

Your elder DD should have been sent straight to her room for that awful comment.

And you and your DH need to consult specialists on this one. It’s clearly not an issue you are handling well.

I feel very sorry for your DD that it’s got to this point. You need to act now.

TLDR: 1. ban unhealthy foods from your house & let DD2 snack on carrot sticks/ veggies/ blueberries as often as she wishes; 2. stop talking about DD2’s weight; 3. overhaul your family lifestyle and walk everywhere together, go outside as often as the weather permits; 4. put DD2 in rugby so she aims to become strong rather than look slim.

Gosh that’s a lot. Stop talking about her weight to her, in front of her, and in front of your other children. Her self esteem is being wrecked by hearing all this. Impose severe consequences on any of your children that call her names or make fun of her weight. Her home needs to be her safe space.

Ban all processed treats for all your children. Obviously don’t call it a ban, just stop allowing those foods in your home, and if the children ask why- tell that you would like the whole family to be healthier, don’t link it to your DD2. Each morning cut up carrots, cucumbers and low sugar fruits such as blueberries, raspberries etc and leave them in the fridge- if DD2 wants to snack/binge she can snack on those.

This is a serious health issue and requires your family to address it together. I have a child with a chronic health issue, and none of us eat the things he can’t eat. And if he is unable to eat at the time planned for a meal, we all wait for him so we can eat together. We’re a family and a team. No one should face a health issue alone.

Finally, don’t subtly introduce exercise. Overhaul your family lifestyle anltogether and make exercise a fun part of your daily routine. As a family, mainly because of our child’s health, we make sure that we are at the park as often as the weather permits for hours at a time (normally 3x a week after school). On weekends, particularly in summer, we stay outside for hours. Make sure you bring packed lunch from home, otherwise it’s all too easy to buy unhealthy foods and ice creams for convenience. Make a list of parks, outdoor spaces, museums etc to visit each weekend- and walk everywhere- as much as possible. If you’re popping to the shops, take one of the kids with you (and walk there and back). It’s quite a nice opportunity for 1-1 time as well.

Put DD2 in a sport. I would recommend rugby- that way her focus will be on getting strong and fit rather than losing weight and become skinny. She will find it hard initially, but the more you incorporate walking and physical activity into her daily life, the easier it will get for her.

Why aren't you being the parent it's very easy to move snacks away and fish then out when you feel it's appropriate. Tho we have 9 kids various ages between 2-16 and none have been used to snacks, they get good big breakfast, dinner,teas small supper and that's it...if you see a problem arriving it's you that should be doing something wether it's increasing exercise with her, cutting down the snacks or choosing healthier ones..This isnt the child's fault

This is quite compulsive eating. People will say hide the snacks etc but she’s going to great lengths to get to them, and is eating at a level that would sicken another child of that age (eg nine cupcakes).

Have you had her assessed by the GP? There are a number of (treatable) medical conditions that could be contributing

I also think it sounds like an eating disorder. There are a lot of websites on disordered eating but as previous posters have mentioned, making a thing out of it and treating her differently is going to make it worse.
Seek professional advice and then use the websites they recommend to help you. Stop trying to shame her as it will make it worse.

Parts of this story make no sense. She takes treats from people's homes that they don't invite her over anymore, what does this mean? She goes to their cupboards or wherever and takes treats or she takes it from them? And they don't invite her anymore really??? Does this mean they invite you and everyone else but say don't bring DD2?

Then you say she is made fun of at school with kids slapping her belly and calling her porky, that's happening and no teacher does anything about it aside tell you???

And she ate 9 cupcakes yesterday and your DD1 is now calling her a fat pig??? Putting aside the eating issue with DD2, don't you see how messed up her father and sisters reaction is or am I missing something?

Broken- hearted for your child suffering cruel bullying and for you as a parent searching for help ❤️
Have you considered any autistic traits - it’s just that my adult DS is ASD and when younger, had absolutely no filter regarding regulation of food intake . He comfort ate ( still does to an extent ) to ‘soothe’ chronic anxiety and emotional distress, My other 2 DC’s had healthy weights and no issues with over-eating.
I found that grazing on a supply of healthy snacks helped as whether it was a plate of cake or a plate of cut up fruit / raw veg, the lot would be eaten, so instead, I just made up lots of colourful platters that included filling protein too _ eg cooked chicken, boiled eggs to stave off hunger longer - I kind of followed a slimming world sort of idea .
Hope this helps a little xxx

Don’t get rid of the treat cupboard, that’s counter productive. Firstly, you will alienate the other children, they will naturally blame your daughter. Second, she will just move on to overconsuming normal food like 10 slices of bread of cereal etc. It doesn’t stop the compulsion to eat.

Address the CAUSE. This is a mental health issue for your daughter, a behavioural issue. You can’t tweak the environment and expect to fix this. She needs to understand that what she is doing is causing her problems and she needs to find a coping mechanism for emotions and an exercise she enjoys to focus on.

TBH i would have told her she was outrageously greedy for eating that many cakes and then cleared the house of junk food and then addressed her activity levels. I’d have also told her the real reasons why she is no longer invited to peoples homes too. You are tiptoeing around her and allowing her to get this way

I agree it doesn’t make sense

Sounds like an eating disorder, particularly binge eating disorder. She’ll zone out while binging and feel awful after. You need to get her therapy.
Of class teacher isn’t dealing with the bullying, submit a complaint to the head teacher.
Make sure the treats aren’t accessible at home. Either only buy as you’re having them or have them locked away.
Review family diet and activity levels.

Agree no junk food for the whole family. I’d be signing her up for more sports activities if I could. I’d also consider a family dog to encourage everyone to get out walking. I would be more inclined to be a bit more truthful than you have, I would be explaining that sugar destroys our health and that everyone likes sugar but we have to make healthy choices. I don’t know if that’s good parenting or not but I do think it’s the truth. I think most people struggle to resist junk food because it’s designed to be addictive and it affects the way our bodies work so we want more - like drugs - and I’d be more open about that with everyone. I think I would also see the gp but I’d be careful about that because obviously she would be present and I think that would possibly be the most damaging thing for her to feel she has something wrong… I’d start banning junk food in the house straight away for everyone and being more honest with her. Good luck x

Have you really had multiple friends and family tell you she's not allowed to come over because she eats all their treats?

I remember an episode of Doctor in my House with a similar child, he advised to ‘eat the rainbow’ every day and made it fun for the boy, choosing fruits and vegetables of every colour. I think the theory was down to his microbiombe needing more good bugs, and this greatly increased the variety. It really, really worked! Might be worth some research, and would be fun for everyone to be part of

You stop buying the 'treats' (clearly they are not treats and considered standard food by her). So what if it's unfair on the other dc? They'll be healthier.

If she's 8 then you control her whole diet. This is all on you!

Yep. Just tell the 8 year old girl with an eating disorder that she's fat and greedy and that's why noone will invite her. Sure that will solve the problem.🙄

Your DH shouldn’t have showed her that video or told her she was eating herself to death….. frightening her is not going to help.
You also need to advocate for your daughter, if children were hitting my child’s stomach I would be marching into school. The more upset she gets the more she will reach for food.
We had a similar problem here DS1 has a genetic condition which means like his Dad he is prone to putting on weight, not helped by the fact that he eats when bored and will happily eat 6-8 items in a row.
DS2 and 3 are naturally slim and don’t tend to raid cupboards.
Ive tried the healthy eating, portion control etc chat but children don’t see the long term, they want immediate gratification
I now put enough crisps in the cupboard for their packed lunches and then pop spare into a small locked cupboard in the other room. If all the crisps get eaten by my eldest, and I know it’s him because it always is, he doesn’t get any in his packed lunches and I use the ones I’ve put away to put in the others.
I don’t buy cakes, biscuits etc anymore the cupboard he can access anytime as nuts, dried fruit, jelly pots in. The fruit bowl is always full and there is always eggs on the side, if he wants to snack he eats these.
I make sure his tea is pretty much ready when he gets in from school and bulk out foods with lentils etc
If I were to put a box of cakes in the kitchen he would still eat them all in one sitting so he’s not learnt not to, they just aren’t there. He’s lost a lot of weight since I realised I was enabling him to do it and changed my habits. He’s now probably on the 85th centile for his weight, but he’s on the 91st for his height.
He sees a consultant and dietician for his genetic condition and they couldn’t get through to him either about gorging on sweet things, so I was never going to be able to. His brothers don’t miss having cakes, biscuits and crisps around because they just eat the alternatives.
Your DD doesn’t have to exercise for hours, walking for short journeys instead of the car bike rides and swimming along with different foods will soon have extra weight shifting.

I find it astounding that any adult in her life would ban her from coming to their house due to this - this is exceptional cruelty and I doubt they’d be willing to readily admit this

Her blood sugar is probably all over the place and it's helping make her feel hungry. A savoury breakfast will help stop the rollercoaster of blood sugars going up and down all day. So egg on wholemeal toast or if porridge berries, seeds and greek yogurt on top and no sugar or honey.

Swap to wholemeal bread, eat vegetable soups to fill up on, and very low sugar snacks to help are learn to regulate her eating.
I really like these cookies but I use about half to 2/3 of the chocolate as it's a lot and dark, she may or may not like them but they really helped wean me off biscuits, they freeze well, they are expensive to make but if it helps it would be worth it. Almond cookies
Best of luck, it's such a hard one.